I Am 36 and Still Partying Like I Am 26
I drink, take drugs (e's, mdma, coke) and have promiscious sex.. I have only had sex with one person in 6 months but it is the brother of my new housemate who i actually liked and was getting on great with and now i have bloown it by shagging his brother... i always do this , is it sabbotage? i suffer from anxiety around men.. i get nervous, like shaking and stuff, so i get drunk to feel calmer and then i take drugs etc.. it all goes wrong. i am 36 and would love to be in a relationshiop but i am so afraid of rejection i either scare them away or act all weird. i was given up for adoption at 14 months and spent first year of my life in an orphanage. i have severe anxiety issues which i self medicate with beta blockers and drink when i am out... i cannot look guys i like in the eye so i dont have close relationships with them.i am very unhappy. i traced my birth mother 8 years ago and she didnt want to have contact with me. it hurt a lot. i just want to be loved but instead i am turning into a wahsed up party animal and i give off the vibe "leave me alone".. i tried therapy but it made me sadder. at this moment i am upstairs in my room feeling awful cos i told my flatmate yesterday whilst drunk taht i loved my job then today sober i said i hated it. he raised his eyes to heaven and sighed as if i was mad. maybe i am. he made me feel really small.