I Need Help =[

I realy dont know where to start...When i was 5, i used to get babysat by my parents friend who fostered young boys, One day one of the older boys asked if my brother and i would like to play a game of "mummys and daddys" we both jumped at the chance, the older boy said that i could be the mum, he would be the dad and my younger brother would be the child, he made my brother go into a different room and i had to sleep with him (in the game) he then said that i had to do things that a mum and dad would do,for about 2 years he made me do things to him and he would touch me, then once i turned 7 he raped me, he continued to rape me for 3 years untill the family moved away and could no longer babysit us. we then moved to France, our neighbours were round having some dinner, the wife and children went home after a while and my parents were doing things in the garden, i was inside on the computer and the husband came in and started forcing himself on me, nothing happened but it dragged everything back up that i had tried so hard to bury at the back of my mind. I have no confidence at all, i wont even go into a shop on my own, and being a 20 year old female, it stops me from doing alot of things, im scared of everything, i managed to start going out with friends to night clubs but coming out of a night club one night i ran into a couple of boys i met inside, they dragged me off the pavement and into some bushes, one held me as the other hit me and tore my cloths as he tryed to rape me, thankfully before it got too far a group of men who had been walking past heard screams and ran over to help, stopping the two after that i became severly depressed and started self harming, i then started talking to my current boyfriend who lives over 200 miles away, we met up and i eventually moved in with him, he makes me feel safe, loved, needed, he is my best friend and i have never loved anyone as much...but things went bad, i discovered i had gall stones and had to have an operation, being in so much pain i couldnt work and had to move back home, iv since had the operation and now fully recovered but we cant move back in with each other as now he cant work due to an illness. So i feel like everything is against me, i feel like im never meant to be happy, im completely heart broken, i cant sleep without him, i cant get through a day without crying, we speak everyday a few times but we just end up arguing as i take things out on him and visa versa, im just at a total lose with what to do...i just feel like whats the point anymore?...i dont understand what i have done to deserve all this....
I f anyone could help me it would be great, although looking at all iv wrote i wouldnt be suprised if anyone actualy reads the whole lot...anyways i hope some one will and can help me in some way.
Racheal04 Racheal04
Aug 2, 2010