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Him

i just want to kill him sometimes for putting me through this. Is that wrong? i knew what i was getting into. i knew he didnt want anything serious but how can he expect me not to fall for him after everything he gave me to remember. i want to see him everyday and talk to him and kiss him and do all those things we do at his house. but just with him. but he wants to do that with every girl. its like his ex made him into a jerk who doesn't care about anyone's feelings anymore just because she didn't care about him. he knows me. he knows i would never do all that **** she did to him. it hurts me, it annoys me, it make me cry to know that he wont give me a chance because he's "scarred"  she scarred him. that *****. but then again, if she hadn't done that, they'd still be together and i would've never met him. maybe that would of been better but maybe not. i remember how we used to talk about a future together and how we were gonna go to California because we both wanted to live there. i remember but he obviously doesn't. he even tweeted that now he had another reason to go to California. what happened to that? where did that guy go? the one who would text me everyday and ask about my day and call me beautiful. he acted like he cared and i thought he was falling for me. and then out of nowhere everything changes. he stops texting me first, he doesn't try to keep the conversation going. he just leaves me hanging and doesn't care. i guess all he really wants is sex. everyone told me that's what he wanted and i knew it. it was in the back of my mind the whole time but i still had hope. i still have hope. but that hope is slowly slipping away. when i see how he talks to other girls, when i saw his ex's name on his phone after he told me he doesn't talk to her anymore. i have all the signs, i have many chances to say i want it to stop. that we shouldn't see each other anymore. but i don't. i suck it up. i just want a relationship where we're both happy. is that too much too ask? i know i deserve it. after everything i been thru in my life. after being molested since i can remember till i was 14. after almost being raped. after being in the care of the what i think to be is the most ****** up family. i think i deserve happiness. and he gave me a taste of that which is why i guess i cant let him go. i don't want to. i want him. but he just wants sex. and no matter how i feel about him i refuse to give it to him. my virginity is the only thing i have control over in my life. idk what to do. i really dont. 
BlowinDandies BlowinDandies 16-17, F Jan 27, 2012

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