A Wretch Like Me

I believe everyone is here for a reason also. I have a story about Christ and the bible, more a life story so far. I was raised in a church going family and believed in God because it made sense to me that there was a creator behind creation/ However, I never chose to follow Jesus or made it a goal to actually get to know God very much. In fact I remember when I was very young in church thinking, "I might worry about God when I am getting close to death." Boy did that show how ignorant and foolish I was.

Well I lived a pretty good life as a kid. I went to school and did very well in it getting high honors and raced BMX until about age 13. Around that age, before I got really bad, I went on a Christian trip to an event called "Gold Rush" where at the end they had a call to the cross. They invited people to accept Jesus and write their name on a piece of paper and nail it to the cross. In my heart I wanted to go so badly. I felt the call and wanted to go but for some reason I didn't. Maybe I was too hardened or scared.

Around then is when I stopped racing BMX and my life took a turn for the worse. I became reclusive and addicted to online gaming and por-n. My taste in music turned to songs that were very evil and satanic. I started cursing at my parents and becoming a terrible person in general. I became obsessed with online gaming and would stay up all night and eventually I needed glasses because of this. I eventually got involved in a rock band and start smoking marijuana occasionally.

I eventually started getting into Buddhism and meditation, in a way I was very gradually coming back to at least a sense of spirituality. The Buddhism and meditation wrecked my mind though because I started thinking I could levitate things like the stories you hear. I would meditate 7 hours or more and in general became overly emotional and I believe I allowed negative forces to prey upon me in that state. I had no clue what I was getting into after all. I started listening to "A Perfect Circle's" album called "E-motive" and this made me realize how hardened I had become and how much love I lacked for people and I really started caring for people.

I eventually was starting to come around but had not yet fully accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior. Also, when I smoked the marijuana I always had bad trips and sensations and the delusions I started having came shortly after.

One day my father took me on a trip to a college since I was around 17 or 18 to scout them out. I started thinking the clouds were signs from God in them and there was a major spiritual war going on. There certainly was a war for my heart at least. When we were at the college I was filled with paranoid and psychotic ideas. For example I thought that a woman was there who said to "Try all the sweets" was a messenger sent to tempt me into gluttony.

I then started to see and hear things and deteriorate mentally. I saw demons and began vomiting because I thought that was how they came out. I stopped eating, drinking, sleeping, and ran away from home to churches to be "exorcised" because I thought I was demon possessed. Looking back now I can see that it may have been likely there were very evil forces at work on me and that smoking and meditation warped my mind along with the sinful life I had led.

Eventually I was in the Carolina's visiting my uncle with my sister and mother. She received a call that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Later on we eventually went to a church where the minister had a call to the altar if we needed prayer. My grandma and I and my family all went to the altar and I broke down crying because I thought my mother was going to die. I felt like it was my fault she got cancer because of all the stress I caused her the way I lived. I still believe that I did cause it to be honest because stress can make disease we are prone to come out.

I started my journey back to God but yet my mind and body were ill from a life of sin which had formed a illness called "schizophrenia" which includes hallucinations, delusions, hearing things, and many other very bad things. It came to the point where I was laying in the bath tub one night in my own vomit, urine, and feces (sorry for the graphics but it's what happened) where I thought I was doomed to hell and I was out of my mind. I screamed "JESUS SAVE ME!". Shortly afterward my father came down to see what was happening and he cleaned me up and had me eat and drink since I wasn't for days. I was 50 pounds underweight for my height from all the not eating or drinking for weeks on and off. I thought I had to fast to cleanse myself from demons.

Well, not too long after the tub incident I was brought into a mental health crisis unit where they interrogated me and injected me with medicine against my will. It was the scariest experience of my entire life and I wouldn't wish it on the most evil person to ever live. I woke up 2 days later in the mental hospital where I felt terrible. I was starving and went to the kitchen to get food. Ironically, one of the first people I met there was a Wiccan. I told her Jesus loved her and we talked and then she gave me a hug.

Not too long after that I was laying in the hospital bed at night when something very different happened than the hellish experience that had occurred earlier. I was laying in bed crying and said a prayer to the effect of "Father in heaven I am so sorry for the horrible life I lived that caused me to end up like this. I am so sorry for the way I have lived and I never want to be like that again. I never want to sin again. I am so sorry." Then I just wept and wept. Not long after that Jesus appeared in a white robe at the end of my bed and he touched my foot. He touched my foot and I felt the sin leave my body like a poison. A tiny bright flame appeared in the center of my chest and that was the night I became born again.

There are many other interesting things that happened after that even around may 18, 2005 but It would take hundreds of pages in a book to fill my life before and after Christ. Since I became born again life has not been easy. My physical mind and body have gone through the ringer with over 20+ or more medicines for my illness and stomach illnesses caused by the meds. I have had immense sorrow and pain at times from the suffering. I was hospitalized 7 more times after than one in 2005 but something was different. I had the Lord with me.

My life has not been roses since I accepted Christ as my savior. In fact it has been the very opposite but I am so glad I know him. I can say with 1000% honesty he never has failed me. I am still alive and he has done so many miraculous things in my life that I could probably fill books and books with them. Life may be hard but God is good and I can honesty say I am glad to have went through the hard times because they build character and hope and perseverance.

That is my story in a nut shell. I know my Father looks after me and he will never fail me. He longs for all to know him deeply as a Father and that is why he sent his Son Jesus to bear our sin and shame on the cross and to arise to give us a hope that life never ends. Love triumphs over death ultimately. ~May the Father bless you in the Son, through the Holy Spirit. Amen
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1 Response Jan 6, 2012

I just want to say hearing your testimony blessed me. I am going through a lot of similar things as far as mental illness is concerned. It truly is an ongoing battle. I've had a truly difficult life but I know that God loves me and He has a plan for my life. It is hard for me too to read the Bible sometimes because the voices in my head try to distort the Word but I know that it's just a trick so I read the Bible anyway and pray that it will strengthen me even if I am having trouble understanding.