Post

A Wretch Like Me

I believe everyone is here for a reason also. I have a story about Christ and the bible, more a life story so far. I was raised in a church going family and believed in God because it made sense to me that there was a creator behind creation/ However, I never chose to follow Jesus or made it a goal to actually get to know God very much. In fact I remember when I was very young in church thinking, "I might worry about God when I am getting close to death." Boy did that show how ignorant and foolish I was.


Well I lived a pretty good life as a kid. I went to school and did very well in it getting high honors and raced BMX until about age 13. Around that age, before I got really bad, I went on a Christian trip to an event called "Gold Rush" where at the end they had a call to the cross. They invited people to accept Jesus and write their name on a piece of paper and nail it to the cross. In my heart I wanted to go so badly. I felt the call and wanted to go but for some reason I didn't. Maybe I was too hardened or scared.

Around then is when I stopped racing BMX and my life took a turn for the worse. I became reclusive and addicted to online gaming and por-n. My taste in music turned to songs that were very evil and satanic. I started cursing at my parents and becoming a terrible person in general. I became obsessed with online gaming and would stay up all night and eventually I needed glasses because of this. I eventually got involved in a rock band and start smoking marijuana occasionally.

I eventually started getting into Buddhism and meditation, in a way I was very gradually coming back to at least a sense of spirituality. The Buddhism and meditation wrecked my mind though because I started thinking I could levitate things like the stories you hear. I would meditate 7 hours or more and in general became overly emotional and I believe I allowed negative forces to prey upon me in that state. I had no clue what I was getting into after all. I started listening to "A Perfect Circle's" album called "E-motive" and this made me realize how hardened I had become and how much love I lacked for people and I really started caring for people.

I eventually was starting to come around but had not yet fully accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior. Also, when I smoked the marijuana I always had bad trips and sensations and the delusions I started having came shortly after.

One day my father took me on a trip to a college since I was around 17 or 18 to scout them out. I started thinking the clouds were signs from God in them and there was a major spiritual war going on. There certainly was a war for my heart at least. When we were at the college I was filled with paranoid and psychotic ideas. For example I thought that a woman was there who said to "Try all the sweets" was a messenger sent to tempt me into gluttony.

I then started to see and hear things and deteriorate mentally. I saw demons and began vomiting because I thought that was how they came out. I stopped eating, drinking, sleeping, and ran away from home to churches to be "exorcised" because I thought I was demon possessed. Looking back now I can see that it may have been likely there were very evil forces at work on me and that smoking and meditation warped my mind along with the sinful life I had led.

Eventually I was in the Carolina's visiting my uncle with my sister and mother. She received a call that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Later on we eventually went to a church where the minister had a call to the altar if we needed prayer. My grandma and I and my family all went to the altar and I broke down crying because I thought my mother was going to die. I felt like it was my fault she got cancer because of all the stress I caused her the way I lived. I still believe that I did cause it to be honest because stress can make disease we are prone to come out.

I started my journey back to God but yet my mind and body were ill from a life of sin which had formed a illness called "schizophrenia" which includes hallucinations, delusions, hearing things, and many other very bad things. It came to the point where I was laying in the bath tub one night in my own vomit, urine, and feces (sorry for the graphics but it's what happened) where I thought I was doomed to hell and I was out of my mind. I screamed "JESUS SAVE ME!". Shortly afterward my father came down to see what was happening and he cleaned me up and had me eat and drink since I wasn't for days. I was 50 pounds underweight for my height from all the not eating or drinking for weeks on and off. I thought I had to fast to cleanse myself from demons.

Well, not too long after the tub incident I was brought into a mental health crisis unit where they interrogated me and injected me with medicine against my will. It was the scariest experience of my entire life and I wouldn't wish it on the most evil person to ever live. I woke up 2 days later in the mental hospital where I felt terrible. I was starving and went to the kitchen to get food. Ironically, one of the first people I met there was a Wiccan. I told her Jesus loved her and we talked and then she gave me a hug.

Not too long after that I was laying in the hospital bed at night when something very different happened than the hellish experience that had occurred earlier. I was laying in bed crying and said a prayer to the effect of "Father in heaven I am so sorry for the horrible life I lived that caused me to end up like this. I am so sorry for the way I have lived and I never want to be like that again. I never want to sin again. I am so sorry." Then I just wept and wept. Not long after that Jesus appeared in a white robe at the end of my bed and he touched my foot. He touched my foot and I felt the sin leave my body like a poison. A tiny bright flame appeared in the center of my chest and that was the night I became born again.

There are many other interesting things that happened after that even around may 18, 2005 but It would take hundreds of pages in a book to fill my life before and after Christ. Since I became born again life has not been easy. My physical mind and body have gone through the ringer with over 20+ or more medicines for my illness and stomach illnesses caused by the meds. I have had immense sorrow and pain at times from the suffering. I was hospitalized 7 more times after than one in 2005 but something was different. I had the Lord with me.

My life has not been roses since I accepted Christ as my savior. In fact it has been the very opposite but I am so glad I know him. I can say with 1000% honesty he never has failed me. I am still alive and he has done so many miraculous things in my life that I could probably fill books and books with them. Life may be hard but God is good and I can honesty say I am glad to have went through the hard times because they build character and hope and perseverance.

That is my story in a nut shell. I know my Father looks after me and he will never fail me. He longs for all to know him deeply as a Father and that is why he sent his Son Jesus to bear our sin and shame on the cross and to arise to give us a hope that life never ends. Love triumphs over death ultimately. ~May the Father bless you in the Son, through the Holy Spirit. Amen
deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jan 6, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I just want to say hearing your testimony blessed me. I am going through a lot of similar things as far as mental illness is concerned. It truly is an ongoing battle. I've had a truly difficult life but I know that God loves me and He has a plan for my life. It is hard for me too to read the Bible sometimes because the voices in my head try to distort the Word but I know that it's just a trick so I read the Bible anyway and pray that it will strengthen me even if I am having trouble understanding.

SuperPanda, I sooo understand suicidal ideation. I hate that demon! Arrr! I had layed in bed for days at a time (for years) being suicidal and thinking out the whole how I'm gonna kill myself, etc. But I would think of my two children, whose father is not in their lives, and they need me. That being said, I couldn't kill myself. I knew if I would, they would suffer greatly and I can do something to avoid their suffering,,,,, stay alive and get well.



But later I realized that if I did kill myself, I would lose out on so many blessings when in Heaven. God rewards us for doing the right thing. And suffering suicidal ideation and not acting on suicide, you will be rewarded for this. You are here on Earth because God put you here and you and people will cross your path or people who are in your life on a regular basis NEED YOUR WORDS and PRESENCE. You have a purpose. You are saying things to some people and planting seeds of God's Truth without even knowing it and this will affect them and they will affect others and the end result is ETERNAL SALVATION for many. YOU are NEEDED.



Okay, so there's the purpose. Now we have to get you stable so you don't get suicidal often at all and the suicidal ideation is a passing thought on a bad day and not a constant experience in your life.



You need to read my story: God Stopped Me From Committing Suicide



EP Link#comment_embed

I am so glad you shared that SuperPanda. And I hope you know that there are many other people here on EP that will read your story and that it will uplift them. It was very inspiring to me and even near to my heart since I have had some limited experience with a loved one with schizophrenia. Our Father in Heaven loves us all the same, no matter what color we are, whether we are male or female, healthy or not, no matter where we live and even the most rebellious He loves just as much. He loves us because we are His children. It is wonderful that you have found him : ) Hold on tight to him.

Very interesting story. The more you know the Bible, the clearer and better sense you will make of your spiritual attacks/psychotic episodes.