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I Like to Share My Thoughts

But I Censor Myself

By: deleted
Written on June 22nd, 2009

I don't share all of them, or even really half of them. For fear of how others will react. Some of my thoughts are quite dark & ugly really. They can take over my mind & I become someone I don't think too highly of.

I don't want my friends or family to ever find out just how sick & damaged I really am. I'm afraid they'd lock me up or worse, keep me all doped up on pills so nothing would seem real.

My ex was the only one who I share some of my deepest & darkest thoughts with........... He left, so that should tell you something. He left me so obviously something about me repulsed him to the point that he just couldn't even touch me anymore. HELL, the last 6 months he barily talked to me....

Yes, I like to share my thoughts..........But I censor what thoughts come out to play. =(

By: deleted
Age: 26-30
319 people have read this story

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6 responses
  • hartfire
    hartfire

    I have fear of sharing the darker thoughts, and think less well of myself too.

    In trying to figure will I or won't I?...

    Maybe when each hides no one else gets to discover how common it is...

    Maybe keeping it hidden gives the thoughts a chance to grow like cancer...

    Maybe we can't be accepted and loved for who we really are if we don't let it be known...

    Maybe it's harder to find better solutions if we don't reach out.



    My sister, diagnosed narcissistic borderline, has harassed me in numerous ways...rages when I refused a request... forcing me to prove my innocence by accusing me of break enter and theft, of abusing and kidnapping my aged mother, and myriad minor "thorns".

    Despite my anger, I had to remain adult and responsible, finding the appropriate way to deal with each instance. I frequently felt heart palpitations, and twisting gut. The anger had no where to go, and I began having fantasies of revenge. At first I thought there was no harm in it, because a fantasy is private, affects no one else, and simply arises and passes like weather.

    I'm ashamed... it took me far too long to realise that I was harming myself. By witnessing my mind's potential to be callous, cruel, and devious, I formed a profoundly negative view of myself, and sunk into serious depression.

    Only fairly recently did I see how I was creating it. Now I'm trying a variety of healing tactics. One is a return to Vipassana, Zen and Meta meditations. Another is joining this EP project. And a third is distraction with positive physical projects and changes of mental focus.

    Sep 4, 2011
    3 likes
    • Soulmoon
      Soulmoon

      what other therapies have you tried ?

      Sep 23, 2011
      1 like
    • hartfire
      hartfire

      I did 10-12 years Family-of-Origin work (John Bradshaw style), and CoDA. One of my girlfriends is also a depressive, and I find that her ability to understand is very helpful. I discovered recently that there is a gene for manic-depression on my father's side. My doctor thought it was endogenous, based on my history, and recommended that I should take an SSRI for life. The anti-depressant prevented me from actually committing suicide, and modified the worst of the depression, but didn't cure or solve it. Some cognitive behavioural counselling might have done good if the psychologist had had the time to go beyond mechanical formulas and exercises. If you check out some of my stories, you'll see that I receently figured out my meaning and purpose for living, and this has made the most signifigant and profound difference I've ever yet experienced.

      Sep 27, 2011
      1 like
    • hartfire
      hartfire

      PS I don't get manic, but the gene can express as uni-depressive.
      External events seem to have been triggers for the pre-existing tendency.

      Sep 27, 2011
      1 like
  • Bishie
    Bishie

    I think we all how sick thoughts occasionally. Some of us just have them more. I don't really think it's that you're a sick person so much as it might be human nature sometimes. I can't really speak for you, since I don't know your thoughts, but I think terrible things from time to time. I think of friends that annoy me, and how easy it would be to hurt them. I think about how I want to break all my little brother's limbs to make him realize that he isn't invincible like he thinks he is, that he needs to stop being a little *****. I think about how easy it would be to just break up a couple that I don't like, because I have that kind of power. In positions of power, I can't help but think things like that. Of course I never act on any of those kinds of thoughts, and that's what separates the "good" from the "bad".

    May 24, 2010
    1 like
  • piscesgal
    piscesgal

    No need to sensor with me Wyn, you and I both have a knack for irrational fears, therefore, I would like to think that we could both share those not so pleasant thoughts that pop up from time to time. At least I know it's easier to share them than to hold them all in.

    Jun 22, 2009
    1 like