Unfeigned First TimeI wish someone had told me… I miss that feeling. It’s like flying, but better, cause you don’t have to be hundreds of feet above everyone to see everything. You can be standing right next to the people of earth and know nothing else matters, even with a gun pointed at your heart. Your heart is beating so fast and so hard, you wonder if the ribs on one side of your body are broken, or if anyone else can hear the thud-thud, thud-thud, thud-thud. You’re trembling, literally trembling, it’s like you’ve caught an hour version of Parkinson’s, and your hoping, just hoping, that you won’t trip over yourself. The whole world seems to be spinning just to draw you close to the other person as if gravity has started its own pull against you, but working with them, as if pulling you together, to evolve around each other.
It’s an impossible feeling, that you know somewhere inside it can't be real. You hope and pray with every fiber of your being it is though. You hope on some level that the person realizes your blood is making better time than it ever has, moving through your veins and arteries, heating all the muscles of your body, making your face an almost perfect pink, and making it impossible to keep still.
At the same time your head screams for release. It almost begs you to drop to your knees in front of them and tell them that your whole world has just changed. It begs you to let them know that they are now the center of it. Everything about them is beautiful and perfect, absolutely perfect, the way the light hits the curves of their face, the way they walk, the way they say that word just so, the way they smile when they laugh, everything.
It kills you, absolutely kills you to see them cry. The first time, they cry, it breaks your heart, you’re crying as hard as they are. All you want to do, is never see them cry again. Their touch is like heaven, their hands are incredible, when they touch you, it almost feels as if they curve your mold, fire dances over your skin, and some sort of electricity makes the air thick, soon their hands make you feel as if you can’t breathe, like they’ve charmed the air right out of every oxygen receptor.
This whole thing is impossible. It’s deeper and more meaningful, than everything you’ve ever known, it ties you to it, yet it’s uncannily frivolous and fun.
Then it all comes crashing in when they leave. It’s eaten everything. You’ve put everything into it. Nothing is left, nothing, but yourself. Your heart beats to beat. The only thought running through your head is what might happen if you tear the damn thing out of your chest. In fact you’re wondering at this point what your brains look like, and what the hell they were doing this entire time. To think about it kills your air consumption, sometimes holding your breath, just to hold in whatever water your body still holds, after the massive flooding that consumes your face and energy for days. You want to shut down, and shut out, everything and anything.
“I saw you screaming, and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts, you feel hopeless, like nothing can save you, and when it’s over and it’s all gone you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back so you could have the good.”-Rihanna “We Found Love”
163 million people feel the same.