Getting Used To It!

Okay so yes it may be "weird" to some, and "normal" to others. Obviously you can see which side I prefer. Being a  girl, still very young I hope i don't have this addiction forever. Honestly I don't know how my love for this weird topic started. I remember as a child being very hard to potty train me. i always wanted to be in my diapers..feeling the freedom to go when I want, when ever I want. Weather it be in the middle of a movie, or while running around outside. I did eventually grow out of that stage and I was just another 4 year old wearing underwear. I still did occasionally wet the bed over night from time to time, but my parents never felt the need to put me in pull ups, they simply just cleaned up the mess when needed, which was not that often. I did however take prescriptions to control my bladder, which seemed to do the trick, because eventually I was dry 24/7. I never really thought about them until the age of 10/11, when my sister started babysitting for a neighbor with small children still wearing them to sleep. being curious I  would occasionally think about sneaking one on, but I never had the nerve of actually doing it, fearing i would get caught by my sister, or anyone else for that matter. But the thought never left my head. Finally, i couldn't take it anymore! The urge was so bad I almost peed my pants, strange.. I know. The kids were downstairs watching T.V so I knew it was the perfect time to test one out without getting caught. I grabbed one, stuffing it into my backpack, making sure no one was around. Quickly i made my way to the bathroom locking the door behind me. I already had to go, so I couldn't have picked a better time. Being rather small, they fit me okay, Little taught in some areas, but what else do you expect? I was extremal careful, being my first time, in a long time.. not knowing if it would leak. I took off my jeans and underwear, and lifted my shirt. Halfway naked I stood in the bathtub. Forcing my controlled bladder to release, I finally had a stream going. Since i had waited till my bladder was on the edge of exploding, there was no way of stopping until I was completely finished. With a sigh of relief I closed my eyes and stood there letting it all out.  About a couple seconds into it I realized that the type i was using wasn't meant for a bladder my size, never less a full one. I tried my best to stop, but no matter how hard i tried, I couldn't stop! Soon enough i felt a warm stream of urine run down my leg, thankfully I had removed my jeans! It dripped onto the ceramic tub, making a horrible loud noise. Thankfully I wasn't caught!  I tried the experiment a couple more times, each time I would add toilet paper, and pads {which belonged to their mother} It finally got to a point to where it didn't leak! I tried it a couple more times until i had the nerve to get a Little more comfy, by actually keeping my jeans on, and not standing so awkwardly in the tub. It did get to a point where I wore it around the kids, and my sister. I even took some home and wore them around the house, always covered that is! Even though I did it frequently, my nerves would always bunch up down there, and make it hard to release.. I guess my brain wasn't used to not going over the toilet.  I did get tired of having to stuff the already tight diaper with toilet paper and pads each time, so I quickly started searching for another source. Finally I realized that my grandma used diapers, since she actually had bladder problems, and needed them to travel with. I got my hands on one and tested it out the same way I had with the other ones. I was excited because these were a whole lot comfy er and had a better fit. they were a Little bulky, but that wasn't stopping me! Once again i held my bladder until i couldn't no more, and it did take a while for me to empty out again. Thankfully they didn't leak, and I didn't have to add anything to keep them strong enough. I'm not sure of the brand, but they were probably my favorite thing in the world when it came to watching movies, and playing on the computer! Sadly I had to stop, since the diapers were running low, and since my sister had just moved out, it wouldn't take long to find the "thief". I haven't worn  them since, and now that the kids are older, i have no backup plan. I cant drive yet, so I cant just get to the store and help my self.... I really miss the feeling of relieving my self in the comfort of my bed, or the couch. I also want to be abel to watch a movie, and drink as much soda as i want, and not get interupted by my bladder. I do have full controll of it, and dont need medication. I just simply enjoy the feeling of a warm diaper around my crotch. I only pee in them, unless im constipated, then its an exception. I dont wish to be treated like a baby, or changed. It would be too akward, but maybe if i ever have nerve, its worth a try. I dont whish to continue this after im 20, but i guess i'll decide when the time comes.  Even though im not into making my own diaper, im up for any ideas. Message me if you have any solutions, or if you know a way i can get them, and some good absorbent brands. Im about 130 pounds, and im pretty tall, so if you have anthing, then im here! Thankyou for listening!