Shame/thrill

First off, I'm a woman. I don't feel like a woman, but most of the time I'm not bothered by it.

I love wearing dresses, but I feel like I don't belong in one. Like I'm cross dressing, and I "should" be ashamed of it. (Yet I have no problems with men who like to cross dress. I think it's awesome, and wish I could look as pretty as some of them manage.)

Most of the time, I'm not bothered by gender. Mine or anyone else. Some times, though, I am forced to realize that I am a girl. Woman. Whatever. Female. Like bra shopping. That makes me shudder. I always feel dirty and wrong when I go through a store like Victoria's Secret. Like at any point someone is going to jump down my throat for being a pervert and kick me out of the store.

I feel like I'm the only one who feels like this. I realize that there are transgender people in the world, but never felt like I was one. Especially since I like guys, which would make me a gay guy. (Again, not that I have anything against gays. I have several gay friends, and never even thought of ostracizing them for who they love. The only romance stories I like involve two men.)

I know I sound prejudiced, but I don't feel that way about other people. Just me. And, if you want to be technical, I'm bisexual so it wouldn't matter what gender I am. This is all the way I feel about myself, not others.

My husband (take a moment to think about all that implies) loves it when I wear dresses, and I like feeling pretty. I hate it at the same time, because I also feel dirty and slutty and like the world's worst person for wearing them. Is this wrong?
Veriduin Veriduin
22-25, F
3 Responses Jan 17, 2013

Thank you Veriduin, you bring up several great aspects. I'm a born boy, but don't feel anything like a boy. Unfortunately I don't have my youth to take advantage of like my peers (it's a great time to be gender questioning). But I regress, what you feel comfortable in really is who you are. You first mentioned that you like wearing dresses, but feel uncomfortable in them. Perhaps it's because of something in your brain that says your "being a girl now" but don't really fall into the stereotype that describes this. As I said I was born a boy, and for the most part (because of my life and responsibilities) I do wear a male guise (all of my clothing is purchased in the woman's department. But I hate having to adjust to the stereotypes for men, and there are tons! As there are for women. I feel most comfortable and alive when I am dressed in dresses or skirts, and wear them when ever possible. Because we are in the north east and winters are long and cold. My feminine expression usually is jeans or slacks and more feminine accoutrements. When the weather breaks out come the spring skirts blouses and dresses.
You brought up your sexual attraction as being heterosexual which would make you a gay guy. That's cute, as my sexuality is heterosexual and my partner is female, that makes me lesbian right! :) Gender and sex are two separate things. As we progress through life we see the multitude of personality diversities. What you wear should never define who you are, but it should always be the expression of what you want to communicate with people in how you feel about yourself at any particular moment. Sadly social rules still are in the dark ages but little by little we are blossoming.

Gender identity and sexual preference are separate and not connected in any way. There are many shades of grey in the area between male and female gender wise and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Also being who you are, whatever that entails, is nothing to ashamed at either.

It is not wrong at all. You feel like a lot of us when we shop for and wear dresses. The only difference is your physical gender. I love feeling pretty, and if you enjoy it, go for it. Like a lot of us it is just a matter of eventually getting comfortable out in a dress.