Star Trek Lite: Captain Kirk Vs. Captain Picard

Captain Kirk

Captain Picard

Captain James T. Kirk, from the original Star Trek way back in the 60s, was an old-school, shoot-first-ask-questions-later type of dude. Whether it was hunting down alien enemies from other planets or just chasing chicks he wanted to go to bed with, he just followed his gut instincts and didn't really bother wasting too much time pondering all the consequences and ramifications! To him, that sort of thing was for sissies... On the other hand, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, from Star Trek - The Next Generation of the 90s, was a kinder, gentler, more sensitive type of Captain, not a total wuss but far less decisive... he even sometimes asked for the opinions of other crew members! Compare their styles, if you will, in this challenging little scenario:

Romulan Warbird approaching

Romulans (
hey wait a minute... is Mitt Romney... nah, it couldn't be)

Captain's Log, Stardate 1298.423. The Enterprise has fallen victim to a well-orchestrated ambush on the uncharted outskirts of the Dark Alley Nebula, and the situation is very grim.We are surrounded on all sides by enemy vessels, including Romulan Warbirds, Klingon Birds of Prey, and some other unidentified ships we aren't even sure about... You name it, it's threatening us! There is no easy wasy for the Enterprise to escape without coming under heavy attack...    

So... What does the Captain do next?


KIRK: All right, if it's a fight they want, it's a fight they'll get! Scotty, full warp speed ahead. Sulu, fire a long-range missile on my orders at every enemy ship within range!

SULU: Aye Captain, Their *** is grass, and we're the mower, huh, Captain? Heh heh

KIRK: You better believe it, Sulu.

SULU: Heh heh... we're gonna knock em shitless. They won't even know what hit 'em, right Captain?

KIRK: Uh, right, Sulu.

SULU: We're gonna blast 'em right up the poop chute, where the sun don't shine --

KIRK: Sulu, just man your post, OK? And fire on my orders.

SULU: Aye Captain.

SCOTTY: But Coptain, we're outnumbered! If we don't hit em all at the same time, we'll be blown to bits! I tell ya, the ship canna take that kind of a blow!

KIRK: Just do it, Scotty...

SCOTTY: Aye sir, but...

KIRK: Scotty...

SCOTTY: Aye aye sir. (Mumbling) Shoulda taken an extra helpin o' that Romulan ale.... then at least I won't be feelin' anything...

Sulu: "Oh, my."                                    Scotty



PICARD: I'm o-pen to suggestions...

TROI: Excuse me, Captain? (Even she can't believe she just heard that)

PICARD: Lieutenant Commahnda Dater, may I ahsk your recommendation?

DATA: Captain, sir, I feel it would be best if you yourself made the decision, sir.

PICARD: Very well... oh, for crying out loud.  You CAHN'T be siddious... Just no blahsted help around here when ya really need it...        

Deanna Troi                                       Lt. Cmdr. Data

crotus crotus
51-55, M
1 Response May 21, 2012

Thanks! I just love creating parodies like this, maybe I should work for MAD Magazine!