Not Sure

I was diagoised with PTSD and was also told i have borderline personality disorder about 4 years ago. I was told recently that the name borderline personality disorder has been change to acute PTSD, can anyone tell me if this is correct. 

I don't know much about PTSD all i know is i feel like i can not relate to other, i try but i feel different i feel like i don't fit in. I hardly sleep or eat and people just confuse me. I have flash backs and many nightmares when i give in to sleep. I ended up in hospital for a year but all the drugs they gave me made me worse and no one has really ever explained to me what the hell i'm not feeling if u know what i mean. To me not understanding feelings in my self is normal, but for what ever reason when it comes to some one else i'm always spot on. I know i live in my own head to much but can't tell you why. The doctors kept changing there minds as to what i had and the drugs they gave me sent me over the top so many times. I take no drugs at all haven't for about 3 year, have manged to make a life for myself, but i just struggle and feel like my life is one big fat lie, I smile i laugh but it always seems like someone else. so many times  i find myself looking down on my self like i'm some one else, or can't remeber a whole day, it just went past me with out me blinking. i've noticed i'm getting worse as time goes on. I don't want to go back to hospital, or get the so called counsellors involved again as they just made me so much worse, all i wanted to do was die and they just told me i need to move on and get on with life. They told me i just want to be a victim and that i wanted to be sad. All I want is to feel normal, what ever that is. I see people laugh and cry and get angry why do people always tell me i am such an easy going person when in my head i wonder what they think of me, or if i do my job good enough, and if i forget to do a small part of my job i'll get the sack or they will be angry with me. I don't like people being angry with me. Why do we feel so different, why do we set ourselves appart from others (on the fence, wanting to be there but to scared to)  why are we sometime not in the moment and were is it we go when we are not here,( disasociation).

I have so many thing to ask but i know i dribble a lot, i don't want this anymore i want to live life. I don't want to feel different from others, I want to feel like i belong to something, and i'm not just floating around in a massive world that just seem so strange to me. When does this end, when do we get better?

 

i2befreed i2befreed
31-35, F
4 Responses Feb 22, 2010

The feelings inside keep me trapped where i am. I cant beat them on my own. I dont view myself as a victim and if anyone said that to my face i would break thier nose before they finnished the sentance.

Thanks Dave<br />
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what is EMDR? <br />
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Yes I did go through a lot of truama but how much I could not truly tell as I don't remember a lot about my childhood or teenage years (what I remember some is good but some not so nice). It spins a lot of people out that I don't remember (including my sisters) but I thought that was what it was like for everyone, I know differently now. <br />
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How do you un bury stuff if you don't know if there is anything buried? if you get what I mean. I don't feel like a victim so what do you mean by moving on from victim thinking? I agree I want to thrive and feel life. <br />
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Thanks again

PS, one of the goals is to move beyond victim thinking and into being a survivor. There is no judgement in that. It's not easy. I don't want to survive...I want to thrive. My gut tells me you have not unburied and exposed and processed all your trauma...hang in there...dave

Yeah, I would like to feel more normal(I hate that word) I've had PTSD for years. I've gotten alot of bad help and some good help. Sounds to me you have had a lot of the bad.<br />
I don't know about the acute PTSD, I'd have to research it but....I don't know how one can have many of the symptoms of PTSD without some being similar to BPD. I do know they love to throw labels around and there seems to be a new acronym every few months for what WAS just a symptom of an existing disorder.<br />
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So lets forget most of that for the moment. Have you been thru extreme trauma ? If so have you really processed all the buried trauma(some you may not remember) in a positive way ? As long as this junk is buried we will have symptoms. Most talk therapy doesn't work but sometimes talking about it with somebody you can trust that knows the dynamics of PTSD, can point out things you can't see.<br />
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I can tell you it can get much better. I still struggle but have made a lot of gains but still feel like the last leper in the colony..<br />
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EMDR did me far more good than anything else. It is powerful. In a pinch I've used it for others that were in extreme distress and had no options and had life changing results...really had gotten her life back after 17 years of abuse, etc. I share this to give you hope. Sometimes the key is really simple and the getting better comes when we unbury all the buried trauma. As long as there is trauma buried, we will have symptoms. So it is possible to get much better. EMDR is the only thing I know of that really brings up the trauma buried so deep we have forgotten, and works in such a way that if can form knew neuro pathways and transmitters...to undo some of the damge caused by ptsd.<br />
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Gee, I don't want to bore you. I'm glad to share anything if you like...just want to encourage you..