This post will only make sense if you are from San Antonio and you have lived here for sometime. If you do or did this is funny as hell
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the San Antonio market:
Stone Oak Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold in La Cantera. She comes
with an assortment of Louis Vuitton handbags, a Lexus SUV,
a longhaired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter
house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift.
NOTE: Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with
Terrell Hills Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a leopard
print spandex outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining
friends on her boat. Percocet prescription available.
The Dominion Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or
****** H2. Included is her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and
country club membership. Also available for this set are
Shallow Ken and Private school Skipper. You won't be able to
afford any of them.
Incarnate Word Barbie:
Comes with standard issue University of Incarnate Word shorts with
"UIW" printed largely on the butt. Also comes wearing "themed"
sorority party T-shirt, hair in a pony tail and a gaggle of
similar looking friends, each carrying the latest in "knock off"
Louis Vuitton bags. Honda Civic,undecided major, and
drunken backward hat Frat Ken sold separately.
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Windstar
minivan and matching velour gym outfit. She gets lost easily and
has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming
cell phone sold separately.
Alamo Heights Barbie:
Really now, we have a City ordinance against this sort of thing.
Short, highly tanned and ready to land a husband, we mean, get an
Marbach Road Barbie:
This confused doll speaks English with a Spanish accent or vice
versa, and already has a back tattoo. Comes with a 1996
Chevy Truck with bumper sticker "I do not live on the
West Side, I live on the Northwest Side".
The optional Ken is undecided.
San Pedro/North Main Barbie (Ken?):
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie
to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun,
a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit.
This model is only available after dark and can only be
paid for in cash, preferably small, unmarked bills.
South Side Barbie:
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.
Optional accessories include a GED, black lipstick and a
bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available,
but are now very difficult to find since the addition
of the infant.
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans
two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo
on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and
a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and
kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk.
Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate
flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of
her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the
time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Converse Barbie's
(discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise
acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through
halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
Can be found within 5 miles of their childhood home,
at El Chapparal from 1030-7p, Floore's from 8p-1130p,
and Cowboy Bar from 1130pm 'til they go home with Ken
(the same guy they were dating in high school).
Action Helotes Barbie comes with pull-string & voicebox
complaining about the loss of Handy Andy, Albertson's,
and the innocense that was once Helotes.
Helotes Barbie is clothed in Wal-Mart attire bought
outside Helotes city limits - yeehaw!