Torn...

I'm at the point where I am finding myself wishing and wanting to not even be married to my husband anymore.  I have so many negative feelings about him and his behaviors that I'm tired of trying to make it work.  I don't feel he will ever change his bad behaviors or grow up enough to be the man he vowed to be when we took vows and discussed what we wanted out of marriage and life.   We'll be married 9 years this October.  And it has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride.  He has been diagnosed as Bipolar Stage II.  Unfortunately, he is unstable and doesn't hold a job for long enough to get medical insurance, and therefore is not able to get to a doctor to get proper meds and/or to get meds to help his condition.  He did try a couple samples that the doctor (who diagnosed him) gave him, and although they made him easier to live with and his behaviors and emotions more "normal", they also made him really sleepy and lethargic, and he therefore couldn't function on them.   So without taking meds, his mood swings are often, volatile and unexpected.  We have 3 kids together (ages 6, 4 and 8 months) and just gained custody of his son (age 13) from a previous relationship.  We all walk on eggshells with him and unfortunately, the older kids know why.  The younger ones don't.  And I believe it affects them and scares them when they see their father freak out randomly and unexpectedly.  I fear they will pick up his bad behaviors and "tantrums".  I already see our 4 year old doing so.   My husband and I are the same age (37) and we did not know he was bipolar until about 5 years ago.  Things have gotten worse since then.  He throws things, he has punched walls, he yells and screams and calls me outrageous names and accusations.  He is constantly critical of me, how I talk to him, what I say to him, how I react to him and I feel like nothing I do is right.  He seems to try to control my behaviors (which isn't right).   I know I am a good wife and a good mother to our children. I have asked myself these questions so many times: • Could I have handled that situation differently?
• Did I do something wrong?
• Do I deserve this attack on me?
• Am I at fault for what is happening?   I am constantly reassuring myself that I'm a good person and I don't deserve to be treated the way my husband often treats me.  I work full time and then take on the majority of the duties in our marriage and parenting.  I drop off and pick up our kids from daycare and school, I bathe, clothe, feed and clean the kids.  I cook dinner all the time and do the majority of house chores.  I manage all our finances and bills.  My husband does a few things around the house, but even after talking about it and agreeing to it, he still is not consistent with his chores.  Sometimes he's good about helping put the kids to bed and doing their homework, so he's not all bad.  And we always agree on discipline.  The only thing he is consistent about is being unreliable.   My husband has been unemployed for 3 weeks now.  Before that he had a job that lasted a month and was unemployed before that for 2 months.  As I said above, he has a hard time holding a job and he's had at least 15 in the last 10 years.  When we met, he was working as a customer service representative and moved through various companies in that position, until he could not handle it anymore and had a break down, which led him to his diagnosis of being bipolar.  But then he decided to go to school and obtain a Class A CDL license so he could get a driving job.  And after working for several companies, building up experience, he finally got a decent job driving double trailers for a local water company, until he had an accident in March, which was determined to not be his fault, but the company let him go anyway.  He has had trouble getting a job since.    The thing that gets me, is every time my husband loses his job, for whatever reason, he doesn't even try to look for work.  I've checked his mileage on his car and he goes nowhere.  I've checked his internet history and there are no job searches, only YouTube and **** searches.  I've checked the caller ID and phone log and see no calls being made or received.  Yet he tells everyone that he's doing the best he can and he's looking and going out and getting interviews, but there is no proof.  His actions contradict what he says.  I have confronted him about not looking for work and lying to me about it and he admitted he was lying and promised not to do so anymore and to actually look for work, but continues the same behaviors.  He's delusional.  And when I have confronted him, I get the "victim" attitude and he turns it around on me and I'm the bad guy.   A fight I can never win.  So now, I don't trust anything he tells me and I have no faith in him.  It's so bad, he could tell me the sky was blue and I wouldn't believe him, because it is coming out of his mouth.  I'm so disappointed in him as a husband and a provider for his family, I can't even put it into words.   The majority of jobs he has had, are because of resumes I sent out for him.  And although I know I probably shouldn't, I do help him as much as I can by faxing his resume and submitting his resume online.  I know this is enabling him and he is quite capable of looking and applying for work himself, which also adds to my resentment.  But because I know he's not looking himself, it makes me feel better knowing something is being done.  We can't afford to live off of my income alone.  And it infuriates me and drives me almost to the point of insanity, that he can sleep at night, knowing he's not doing anything, not taking any responsibility, lying to me about it and not providing for his family.  I know he knows it is hurting us, because our finances are suffering, our marriage is suffering, I'm unhappy and depressed.  I try to be nice and keep a pleasant attitude, but I'm freaking out.  And seeing him in bed sleeping, while I'm getting the kids ready every morning and rushing them off to daycare/school and going off to work myself, knowing he's still in bed and probably not doing anything but playing on the computer or watching TV all day, really gets to me.  And hearing him lie to me, doesn't help either.   I'm so resentful and bitter and angry at the lack of consideration and effort on his part to provide and take care of his family.  Not to mention the disrespect he shows me by lying to me and behaving the way he does toward me, in front of the kids.  He borrows money from his mom to bail us out of our financial debt, which we're in because he won't get off his butt to find a job.  He's lazy and he's selfish and he wants the perfect Monday thru Friday, 8am to 5pm job, no weekends, no holidays etc and in his line of work, it's not that easy to find, if at all.  He's not willing to make any sacrifices to provide for his family.  If he is, I'm not seeing it.  And he talks a great game about wanting to be the strong leader and provider, but his behavior and actions completely contradict everything he says.  And yet if I talk to him about all of this, which I have on several occasions, even in marriage counseling, he'll say all the perfect things I want to hear, but he never follows through with action.  He's a talker....a big big talker.  He's unreliable, irresponsible and untrustworthy.  And he knows how to play the victim to the hilt and has a way of always turning the situation around, so I'm the bad guy...I'm the unsupportive, uncaring wife, who isn't lifting him up enough or doing enough to make him feel good, etc.  It's always MY fault why he isn't able to do more OR worse, I expect too much or my expectations are unrealistic.  What?   This behavior has been going on for years too.  And I'm so tired of handling everything and being the only reliable, responsible adult in the marriage, that I just want it to end.  I don't know what to do anymore.  We've talked many times about this, we've gone to counseling, I've threatened to leave him...all to no avail.  He just doesn't get it.  He puts more effort at planning a party with his friends, than he does looking for a job to support his family.  His priorities are completely upside down and I feel like I am the only adult and I'm taking care of 5 children alone.  And I am finding it hard to love him as a husband, let alone want to even be his friend.   I know my husband loves me, but he has low self-esteem, and has a need to control me and my behaviors (which isn't right).  His mood swings and outbursts hurt me and the kids, no matter how I try to detach myself...it still hurts and it's still very hard to deal with.  His lack of effort to do what he should as a father, and a husband is frustrating and tiring.  Being the sole breadwinner and caretaker of it all, I am just exhausted.  It might be better if I saw him trying, if I saw him actually making an effort at doing more, to provide and take care of his family.  I'd feel better and could deal with his behaviors better, if he offered more in this marriage.   But I'm torn.  Half of me just wants out, I feel if I were to separate from him, at the least I'd feel relieved of what he drains from me on a daily constant basis.  But on the other hand, I hate the thought of divorce and going through that.  I'm still fighting with what would be worse...