Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Marriage?

I live in a loveless marriage.My husband(of 35 yrs) and I have no communication what so ever. He is a cold person who thinks only of himself. He grew up in a family where there was no affection shown between his parents and from my observations very little affection shown to the children.I think his parents were more interested in having children(they had 11) than raising children.When we were first married we had a good relationship,good sex, enjoyed each others company and did things together.Now we go through the motions of being married.We have not had sex in 9 years.He no longer finds me sexually attractive.I no longer find him mentally attractive.I don't really miss the sex it's more the love that I miss.He doesn't touch me or hold me and when he kisses me it's like my Grandpa kisses me.I am grateful that he provides a good home and that kind of thing but wish he was my soul mate and truly loved me. Prehaps he can't love because as a child never really experienced love. Or maybe he's just a stupid selfish bastard who doesn't care how I feel.

missemboth missemboth 51-55, F 12 Responses Feb 5, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

Arghhhhhh! Read 'How To Teach Your To Husband Love You'!!!!

I understand totally. Mine is cold & selfish. He cares nothing for me or our two children. He says nothing....ever. He filed for divorce & putting all responsibility on me. I have lupus & nit a very good job. He doesnt care. I cant get help w housing or anything. Kids will grow up in poverty

Omg your story is my story. I am so lonely! Not lonely for sex but for companionship. We don't even like each other. I'm 62 and I hate the thought of continuing to live like this during the last half of my life. Plus I could never make it on my own financially. Thanks mtngirl

Wow, If I didn't know better, I would think that I wrote this story. My husband and I have 12 kids. We both love the kids and we are committed to being there for them, but just last night he told me he wouldn't marry me if he had it to do over, and that he doesn't really care about me anymore. Not a big surprise, I've felt pretty much on my own for years now, but I feel like as long as he does his job as a provider and a father, then I owe it to my children to stay with him. He's not abusive, he can be mean and sarcastic, but for the most part we have a civil relationship, so I would feel more selfish if I left than I do staying in a marriage where I know I'm not loved.
My kids keep me plenty busy, so I don't have time to feel sorry for myself. I have other hobbies and interests too and I'm in the same position as a lot of other women my age that I know, we are all too old in our fourties to believe in fairy tales anymore. We're just glad we have a roof and some semblence of stability in our lives for us and our kids.

Right now my husband is doing drugs with a druggy friend of his. Today, he told me that he didn't want to have sex with me because I was too mean. I am so tired of the psychological games. When I tell him to clean the house, he pulls this stuff. I am now beginning to refuse to do things for him. Honestly, I am beginning to wonder why I am still in this marriage. It is becoming blatenly apparent that I am married to a drug addict.... hopeless.

Omg, I already have your set of problems now and what will happen when I reach your age? At least you have a dog. I must get one asap.

yeah i agree with you mine is the same way and im do my best to mak eit work but i just cant hold on anymore. its killing me to know that

I just came upon your story and "had" to comment as I just left my loveless/sexless marriage. I noted that you said that your husband had come from a very large (11) kids family. It is quite interesting because my husband came from a very large(9) child family as well. My theory on this is that his mother literally had a child every year for 9 years( until she moved out of the marriage bed).......how could anyone give love and affection when under such physical and mental strain as that. My husband also only thought of himself and I felt that he was truly unable to love as he was not taught how to love as a child. The sexless part I think could come from maybe feeling humiliated by being from such a large family ( i.e. all your parents must have done is make babies!) so that they feel that sex is somehow "dirty" and "shameful". Oh well, just a few musings as I have just left this soul numbing union and feel like a human being again!! My best to you and to anyone who suffers at the hands of one of these selfish sociopaths......they are real emotional vampires thats for sure!

Emotional vampire! I love this...I feel as though my husband sucks the life right out of me! He is so negative, shows no affection toward me, and is in a fowl mood all the time! Nothing ever makes him happy, he never sees the positive side of anything! I HATE living like this!

omg...THAT IS ALMOST MY STORY ENTIRELY. I met my husband of 17 years (together 18) at a restaurant. I was in a "no dating" mode. Yeah, well...he charmed me and we dated...I broke up twice with him in 3 months...he wooed me back. We moved in together 4 months in....got pregnant 4 months after that...(I had doubts and even considered aborting)...he vowed that he loved me and we would raise the baby together happily...so I married him. Baby born and no interaction from him with her. He always made excuses..."I will relate to her when she can talk, or when she is in school, or blah..blah..blah". Then, the ignoring of me started happening....and...to top it all off...I discovered he was an alcoholic. Apparently according to his family he always had been (thanks...fam-in-law for giving me a heads up...NOT). So, now...18 years later I live with someone who has a cirrhotic liver and is Alpha-1 deficient (look it up..that not pretty either) who ignores me completely...(if he IS looking at me it is with total disdain)...and acts like I am the one who has done something wrong. All I ever did was to ask him to stop drinking and to give us a chance at a real relationship...How dare I, right?? Daughter is currently a Junior and I am just trying to get her to college...Meanwhile, I (who has been home raising her and taking care of her and the tyrant) am now almost 44, and though still fairly attractive (yeah...gave best years to *******).. struggling to find a job after being home at his insistence all these years...can't find one. So, I am dependent on someone who apparently hates me for no discernable reasons...someone who hides everything from me, tells me nothing, buys whatever he wants and says NOTHING IS MY BUSINESS..... I am stuck and I just want out...no matter the way. I would rather live under a bridge at this point.

omg...THAT IS ALMOST MY STORY ENTIRELY. I met my husband of 17 years (together 18) at a restaurant. I was in a "no dating" mode. Yeah, well...he charmed me and we dated...I broke up twice with him in 3 months...he wooed me back. We moved in together 4 months in....got pregnant 4 months after that...(I had doubts and even considered aborting)...he vowed that he loved me and we would raise the baby together happily...so I married him. Baby born and no interaction from him with her. He always made excuses..."I will relate to her when she can talk, or when she is in school, or blah..blah..blah". Then, the ignoring of me started happening....and...to top it all off...I discovered he was an alcoholic. Apparently according to his family he always had been (thanks...fam-in-law for giving me a heads up...NOT). So, now...18 years later I live with someone who has a cirrhotic liver and is Alpha-1 deficient (look it up..that not pretty either) who ignores me completely...(if he IS looking at me it is with total disdain)...and acts like I am the one who has done something wrong. All I ever did was to ask him to stop drinking and to give us a chance at a real relationship...How dare I, right?? Daughter is currently a Junior and I am just trying to get her to college...Meanwhile, I (who has been home raising her and taking care of her and the tyrant) am now almost 44, and though still fairly attractive (yeah...gave best years to *******).. struggling to find a job after being home at his insistence all these years...can't find one. So, I am dependent on someone who apparently hates me for no discernable reasons...someone who hides everything from me, tells me nothing, buys whatever he wants and says NOTHING IS MY BUSINESS..... I am stuck and I just want out...no matter the way. I would rather live under a bridge at this point.

Your situation is almost identical to mine. My husband and I met the exact same way. We have been married for five years now. His is starting to refuse sex. Nonetheless, sex between us has always had some weird quality between us.,.. wrestling, fighting.... avoidance of sexual contact. He appears to have affairs. But he deines them and always trys to get me to unvalidate my feelings. All in all, I have married a total dud. I don't know what to do. We have two kids together. Things between us always hectic. He smokes constantly. I am tired of threatening him with leaving. I really don't want my kids to be raised around a smoker. In fact, I hate smoking. I don't know what to do. I would leave, but I feel unattractive, eventhough men come on to me. If feel obligated to defend my marriage status. Religiously, I don't want to offend God. I don't want an affair. But the lovelessness is killing me. I feel so rejected all of the time. Sincerely, I feel trapped.

I have been married to this man for the last 19 years and known him another year before that.he too comes from a broken family where he got no love or attention at all.on the contrary prior to meeting him i was most sought after,domineering girl with successful career and incidentally met him thro a wrong number on the phone.Well to cut the long story short,i married him,had 2 kids (18 and 15)raised them almost singlehandedly emotionally( he only paid all the expenses)gave up my career entirely on his family insistence ,have been dealing tantrums for the last 15 years and now realise he never accepted me as his partner. he only married me.i feel so betrayed ,angry,and lonely now........but cant leave him for the sake of children.dont know what to do

I can definitely relate to your story but I think you hit the nail on the head when you said he probably doesn't know how to give love as he didn't receive love when growing up. Aren't we the sum of those things we have experienced?