Every action, every word, judged! Once the verdict is in I am always found wrong (guilty). If one of our children does something wrong, he always begins with " well, if you". If I start to say something about how tired I am, he says "from what?". When I began to notice he didn't like me, I did the exact opposite of what I should have done, and I just tried harder to please him. I didn't understand that I couldn't please him, or that the process of trying would result in a loss of self that has been absolutely maddening. It has been 19 years, and I am 40 years old with 3 handsome sons, who have a range of emotional issues which I attribute to my failure to deal with the situation. I have been the maid, cook, personal secretary, care giver, driver, and mental punching bag for this man for 19 years, and the frustration, and sadness have accumulated into a verity of health issues, not to mention the sense of suffocation. Some days are so bad I can actually feel the pillow over my face stoping any flow of air. Tonight is one of those times. I can't function once he walks in the door, my brain scrambles, and poof I'm gone! I have been making a lot of positive changes lately, going back to school, repairing my credit, and even trying to speak to him about my feelings. Good stuff, right? It is good stuff, just doing those things has brought my sick relationship sharply into focus. Watching him continue the same behavior, and being so aware of how wrong it is, hurts so badly. I want to bolt like a wounded deer! But I have nothing, and I am so afraid I can't do it. I'm afraid my body is so beaten I won't have the stamina. I'm worried my mind is so lost I won't find my way. And most of all I'm worried I will fail my now teenage sons, even more than I already have. But how can I stay, I won't survive at this rate. How do I apologies to my sons for a 19 year long mistake? How do I walk away without regret? My health issues are sever enough for me to be afraid of both roads. I'm the perfect victim. How can I become the perfect victor?