No Self-worth Leads To Fear Which Leads To Bad Decisions

I wrote down yesterday some of my thoughts on my approaching wedding and posted it on this forum. Then I would compulsively check back in to see what people would say. Well guess what? I'm in the ILIASM part of this site so what did I expect they would say? Basically that it's a bad, bad idea to go ahead with it. That's been your experience with it, so many of you wish you'd never had done it and saved yourselves what seems like many wasted years, wasted opportunities. Had I posted my story in a "I've been single for so long, I just want someone to love me for myself" part of this community I would have surely gotten different responses. You know, things along the lines of "Good, honest men don't come along very often. Appreciate you have found a loving partner that treats you right. You have a friend, you have companionship etc".
I know that HE is not an ideal choice for me. Why? Because I don't feel any passion for him. My eyes never lighten up when he enters the room, I don't feel the need to do small selfless things to make him happy, he doesn't inspire me to be a better person. If we were not boyfriend and girlfriend I would still like the guy as a friend, he's a good person. Almost everyone like him and appreciate him. He definitely has more friends than I have and a much better support system, and generally he has his life together and works hard for the things he wants.
He's not perfect though. I think he got really attached to me so fast, clingy even and refused to hear my several attempts to tell him that he's just not my type of guy, not for a romantic relationship at least.
I've told it to him one way or another as soon as after our third date, after 9 months, after 2 years of being together, and a few months ago.
After 3 dates it would have been oh so ******* easy to end it. WHY didn't he listen? He has this idea that is very strange to me, and the opposite of my own mental process, that there's nothing he can't do. It works out beautifully in most areas of his life. I find it even stranger because he's so not the alpha male type that I'd normally associate with someone so driven and determined, but he still gets things done one way or another, in his own way.

His refusal to believe that there's nothing he can't do or have, worked out pretty bad in our case though.

I've grown to love him because he shows so much affection and support, how could someone not love him? Although I resisted it a lot in the beginning, I've ended up just as attached emotionally to him as he is to me. He loves me in spite of my flaws, and they are not few. To someone with chronically low-self esteem and possibly a bunch of other mental disorders, that's addictive, impossible to leave.
Who would want me?

When we met he was coming from the only other relationship he had ever had with another girl. I don't know a whole lot about their relation but in my understanding that girl was showing similar behavior to mine, i.e. treating him like a doormat. I try to refrain from doing it but I still do occasionally.
He also told me once she was insatiable when it came to sex and she wanted it as much as 4-5 times a night and when he couldn't keep up with her libido she would throw in huge crazy fights with shouting and screaming.

At least she probably desired him, otherwise she wouldn't have asked for it 4 times a night.
That's never been an issue with me, I never initiated, I hated it when it happened, and I wanted to punch his mouth when it was going on.
How deluded must have he been to not be able to read my body language a little better? Or maybe he just thought I am frigid or not very sexual. How wrong. I have pretty non-traditional views when it comes to sex and there are so many things I'd like to try and explore. Just not with him. I don't believe finding a man for my taste would be an easy task either. I know people that get a crush on someone basically every 3 months. To me it happens every six years and when it does I generally blow it or he's not available.
It's true that I have a lot more experience now than I did in the past, I think I would be wiser or at least more experienced should I ever start over. I haven’t had any other long-term relationships than this, so at least I’m learning something.
lalaland4 lalaland4
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 8, 2013

Yeah I hear you and feel your pain. I too am in a sexless marriage. The only difference is that he has had many girlfriends while being with me. So I have been dating other guys too. You see they say that every good dog needs his ***** well I think he has found his match. Don't get it twisted I'm still very hurt that he feels no kind of sex inclinations towards me but being out there dating other guys make me feel better about myself. Maybe that's what you need to do too. Anyway good luck and remember that there is a mamichula in all of us