Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

At 42 My Wife Hates Sex, Intimacy, Hugging, Everything

I find it hard to believe and if I wasn't living it, I wouldn't believe it to be true.  My wife has absolutely no positive feelings or emotions and absolutely doesn't want to be touched by me - her husband.  I can't even remember the last time she hugged me! A passionate kiss is impossible to get and I can't remember the last time she was willing to be touched much less have an intimate encounter or sex at all.


Twenty-twenty hindsight is amazing.  When we dated she said I wasn't into the positive emotions or hugging, and sex enough.  There was a time when we had sex an average of twice a day.  Now it is none, zero, zip.  While we were dating, I got her to go to church with me.  Once I got her to go regulary, we both agreed that we should wait to have sex until we were married.  So we did.


Now 20 years later she tells me that was when she turned off her emotions toward me and didn't want to touch me.  Strange enough, when she wanted to have kids, she did.   She took her temperatures and charted them to predict ovulation.  Then she wanted to have sex twice daily around her ovulation cycle.  To say the least, we produced kids fairly easily at that pace.  Then when she didn't want anymore kids, it was hands-off.  Our youngest is now 10.


Over the years there have been periodic rumors of her having an affair here or there.  There is one high probability of a one night stand at a class reunion that I was not allowed nor invited to go.  


 Basically I am in an empty relationship, but worried about my children.  In South Carolina it is hard for fathers to get custody of their children.  If I could, I would. 

AugustaBill AugustaBill 41-45 67 Responses Apr 16, 2009

Your Response


I am too in a marriage with similar signs as you describe. However, mostly my wife describes the same problems (excuses) as other ladies have replied with. I don't do anything around the house to help out, or I don't help out with the kids enough, we don't date often enough, I only want sex... etc... you get the point.There are a couple posts that suggest a woman is a toilet, or feels as a toilet after sex. I ask why? Why in the world do you feel like a toilet after sex? Are you not in a loving marriage? If the man doesn't love you, then fine. But what in the world are you describing? Your husbands do not satisfy you? If so, then why not discuss what needs to happen, and if you have to constantly explain what you like, did you have to do that when you dated? What has changed? Did he used to satisfy you and now he doesn't? If he never did, then I ask why are you married to him?

What I want to reply to, is to the wives, or female responses so far that have stated their men do not do enough for them to keep them interested or make their lives easier. I ask, did your man do any of those things when you were dating? Did he do your laundry? Did he wash your dishes? Did he make your bed? Did he walk your dogs? Most commonly, the answers are no, but what he did do is give you his time and his attention. What happens when one tries to have a sincere conversation with one's spouse and she isn't interested in talking? What happens when your wife doesn't pay attention to you when you do finally have a conversation? How does one effectively establish a connection when the other is too busy to slow down to listen? I understand my wife is busy, and I understand there are a million things that need to be done during a busy work week. However, have you ladies out there ever thought of, when you withhold sex and make us husbands feel absolutely worthless, unattractive, and undesirable that perhaps feelings of depression and hopelessness become evident. AND for that reason, we do not do anything! Depression is a huge motivational killer. I do believe this forces a man to enter into a very dangerous cycle for the relationship, or what we term a rut. If I felt loved, desired, wanted, or heck even liked, I would most certainly want to help around the house. I would love to be part of a team that helps make the household go. I hate being married to an estranged roommate. How many therapy sessions, or conversations about intimacy have to be gone through until we can establish the friendship we used to have.

Think back when you were dating or even just first moved in together, I'm sure you both had "to-do lists" and shopped together, and upgraded the apartment or home together. Plenty of hobbies and things to share with each other, that also led to sex. This wasn't the husband or boyfriend doing your laundry or dishes or vacuuming for the woman. This was a man and woman spending quality time together. Both were so excited to be together that they didn't have a desire to text, email, talk on the phone, or whatever else with other people, you only wanted to be with your significant other.

Last time I checked, I don't wash my friends clothes, I don't cook my friends dinner, yet I cant wait to talk to them when we hang out. So, why is it any different in a marriage??? F-U-N, where has it gone, and does it ever come back? Being busy is a bulls*** excuse! Men not doing enough to wine and dine their woman, or chores around the house is a bulls*** excuse! Simply put its called LAZY! I didn't have to take my wife out on a date to have an intimate time with her when we were dating or first together. Just being together was enough. So, what has changed? I call her gorgeous, beautiful, and hug her constantly. Oh and by-the-way I do take her out on dates, and guess what? No sex! Oh wait! You say I'm not supposed to have an expectation for sex when I take her out. Perhaps I will be "rewarded" if I just take her out without any expectations at all. Well can I sit, roll over, and speak too? Perhaps I can have my treat? How much of a date will suffice? Perhaps a 3-star evening? Or do we need caviar too? *Sorry to lay on the sarcasm, but this notion that us men need to show, our wives a good time to have an intimate moment with them is GARBAGE.* Do we all need to get out and away from the kids and work? Of course. However, to say this is the reason for lack of sex in a marriage is ridiculous at best.

There is certainly something to be said for being comfortable with your partner. After all, everyone can find themselves in their comfort zones with time, and we feel safe and secure. However, we need to fight that laziness. Because that is the where ruts begin. When sex is looked at to be a chore, I'm curious to know why these feelings occur after the ring slides onto the finger? Sex was always a great aspect in our relationship during the dating years, and even at the beginning of our marriage. We both had orgas**; it was always a pleasurable experience.

Now, however, I'm the only one initiating a hug, kiss, holding of hands, conversation, or heaven forbid actual sex...its more exhausting than the actual act. Therefore.... I have become LAZY too. I chose to jump into the vicious "mind game cycle" that is "I will never initiate or beg for sex again" and therefore, we just simply do not have it. It's been months and months, and to be honest I cant remember the last time we did. I have just become so disgusted with the notion that I need to jump through a hoop to get a treat. (Like I'm the only one who enjoys it, she loves sex when we actually do it.) I have no idea why she never wants it. She always has the standard excuse as mentioned above. It's a horrible cycle, I would never wish upon anyone.

My advice is this, if you have a woman (like I do) that has this notion about sex in your marriage and holds it as a reward or punishment towards you, tell her to take a hike. Easier said than done right? I too am in this marriage because of my children, and will be miserable for the next fourteen years or so. But after my prison sentence is done. I am out! My only fear is messing my children up, because its hard to fake love. I certainly don't want them to think this is what love looks like. But, perhaps my wife and I will learn to improve our acting before they are aware. Perhaps I married a woman I loved, but she was only ever just comfortable with me. Remember though...there is something to say for comfort... Too bad comfort doesn't always work out for happiness.

I feel the same way,what do you do?

Add a response...

Women tend to lose interest in sex after a few years of marriage, so that it becomes a point of contention for most couples. So far as I can tell, there is no hope for this condition, as it has nothing to do with the husband, whose sex drive has not changed since courting. All the 'he doesn't please me' statements are not to the point. If women wish to maintain successful marriages, they will try as hard in the bedroom as they do in the kitchen. They will not give up until the meal is prepared and cooked on a daily basis, and likewise in the bedroom.

The analogy is easy to understand: for many, probably most men, sex is an appetite, one that will not go away. For many, probably most, women, sex is an ornament, an optional engagement. less important than naps and bubble bath, more important than a new car.

The only lesson is that women need to treat sex as more important than their make-up, more important than their hair, more important than texting their friends, more important than their television programs. For many, probably most, women, these ephemeral items take precedent, yet none of them bring marital satisfaction. Why is this not understood? Why are women so dense as to misunderstand that a modest attentiveness to basic physical needs will set aside a host of troubles in the future? Yet for very many wives, this is too much to ask.

All I can surmise is that women do not wish to have successful marriages, unless it is on terms that do not take their actual husbands into account. Ladies, do yourself a favor, one that will help you with your financial future and the stability of your marriage: get some scandalous lingerie, put it on on a regular basis, give the guy a good screwing at least once a week. Solve all your problems? No, but it might solve some, and at a fraction of the cost of a divorce. Not to mention all the benefits of a stable marriage, content children, and a good future.

I would agree with this. As a woman myself, I would say that in general (there will always be exceptions) women don't ever have a strong urge for regular *******. Yes, at the start of a relationship a woman wants sex because she wants to be as close to her man as possible. The thought of having him inside her makes her head spin and she cant get enough of him sexually. While she may enjoy the ******* very much, this isn't her primary reason for wanting sex. In a long term relationship, the need for closeness is satisfied in other ways and sex is no longer actively desired.

Of course this isn't the same for a man who needs regular passionate willing sex to stay happy in the relationship and bonded to his wife. I can't really understand why, if a woman loves her husband and values her marriage, she would jeopardise the relationship by refusing sex. I do think that many women are oblivious to a man's real need for sex and misunderstand it as simply kinky desire. There is also an idea that a woman shouldn't have to do anything that she doesn't want to, it's her body etc etc , but this is a selfish approach in my opinion - a loving relationship is about taking care of your partners needs and gaining pleasure in doing so.

Of course the key term is ' a woman who loves her husband and values her marriage'. Even in a failing marriage a man will generally take any sex that's on offer. A woman simply won't want sex with a husband she has lost feelings for and will see no reason to do something she doesn't want to do.

My advice to husbands is to make sure your wives fully understand your love for your wife, your need for sex as a way of expressing that love, and the strain your marriage will be under if you don't make time for regular intimacy. If a frank conversation doesn't produce results ( and assuming of course that you are a good considerate husband, helping out with chores etc etc and that there aren't other factors at play such as illness, a history of abuse etc ) then I would consider walking away from the marriage. This major step may jolt your wife out of her complacency. If it doesn't, then that would seem to indicate that you haven't got a marriage worth holding onto.

If you have young children, then I must admit, I'm not sure whether this is the right step or not. My heart goes out to you if you are in this position. All I can say is that nobody would expect a woman suffering physical abuse to stay in a marriage, even if she has children. A man in a sexless marriage is suffering mental abuse in my opinion. If, out of desperation, he feels he has no option but to leave, he should not blame himself or be weighed down with guilt. The blame lies with the wife who has failed to realise and act upon her obligations to her husband.

PS The word that has been bleeped out above is the word that begins with 'O' and means the same as climax. Quite how this is a vulgar word is beyond me...

Hi I'm a wife Who is going through something similar. I can only tell you that there must be or have been something that has or is turning her off. For me it was several things. We have been married 15 years and he hates fore play. When I try to teach him he never remembers for the next time so I have to coach our sex every time. He's 50 years old and should know what to do. No confidence in bed. Turn off #1 when we have intercourse it lasts 30 sec. 3 years no ogasm so what's my motivation? Turn off #2. He has really bad gas all nite every nite. It smells like a dog dumped in our room. Turn off #3. He has no interests or passions which could help him to be an interesting intriguing person. Turn off #4. I honestly think we should go back to being boyfriend n girlfriend and he should date other women it will force him to care about all of the above. A time out may help jump start things.

Wow the feeling is felt by many....

Here's some literature that might be useful on this topic: David Deida, 'The Way of the Superior Man' and Athol Kay, 'The Married Man Sex Life Primer'. I think both authors have web sites.

I know of a great book men should it's titled mating in captivity. Women r like wild cats her mojo will return when her spirit is free and she is enjoying life. Also the man should really just **ck really Well.that will get her addicted to you and all over you like a cat.

I have the same situation only because husband just wants sex. We women need to see a consistent and sincere passion for us your wives. Men easily take wives for granted without knowing it.
A times we just see you men as been too stiff and not sweet. Be sweet. Be modern, be neat, look like a man that other women will die to have. Women remain young at heart even at age 60. So see your wife like a teenager needing courtship everyday!
Even if you could have custody of the children, think of accounting to God for a broken marriage.
May the Lord help you be the man she desires always.

i at first bought that i was unique case....haven't touched or been near since march we are in feb 2014-wont let me, excuses galore.this happened before, but this has been the longest and somehow ,blame always on what have i done differently of late? do things that feel good to me..hobbies, sport, out with the "boys".for the kids sakes, i still and will hang around. In the process,and with me now feeling good about me, and in noticeably( so i get told) better body shape,she suddenly begins to 'warm up'..suffices it to say,i'm now having a great time than i did when 'p***y-whipped',to even think about engaging with her sexually. i'm in a new job and i work with a fairly attractive lady,who constantly moving into my 'personal space' all smiles,swashbuckling and all.must admit i was contemplating..what with being "starved" and all.That is until i realised that the man out in the workplace yard, always bitter and dejected IS her husband,and figured must be why he is like so. So what did I do? Befriend him, and over a couple of months confirm my assumptions. His words to the effect were, funny how we, men, can't, or don't talk about this things..we're all bravado and conquests talk, yet suffer silently.women on the other hand have a ton of support.What i did next? ask him, 'so how's family?' in front, or within her earshot.amazingly, she(colleague) attitude now changed..i'm lucky to get a grunt to most of my yes/no questions.this served an eye opener as to women's thinking or lack of,and absence of consideration, by a species supposed to be emotionally is then that i resorted to my own "well being"..not easy at first but gradual..that long bike ride..weekend fishing/out with the(similar cases) 'boys'-(so many you won't believe it.almost every married man)..'solo" overseas holiday....aaaah...most important, no outing for the two of us-only where the kids are involved..this for the must think, what a silly approach/remedy..."you should be fixing what 'sub-consciously" went wrong"..and i'm thinking let i sub-consciously fix itself..meantime I AM going to live a full is too short and unpredictable for one to ,'live' emasculated,depressed,and the i love her? very much, but now i also love me, which looking back can't remember doing..atleast consciously..has she cheated, will she cheat, what if, she cheats? those questions haven't got the time, wherewithal to think about. to fellow male initiate this issue to other male as a joke to friends and familiar males and be surprised by initial responses you get...then put on a serious face, and repeat the query/statement..after a few "you're serious' " and few walk-outs, some will open up..that's how our 'boys' group came about..forget not tho', "the smart one told the fool to go and thrash his wife, yet the smart one went home to praise his wife"...anyway male friends,your call, enjoy life, or live depressed..happy Fathers day,everyday!!

Once a woman turn off her feeling for you it's almost impossible to turn it back on. So, be prepare she is not going to change ever. However, that doesn't mean you cannot have a good life still. Yes, not having sexual relationship with your wife is tough (My youngest is 5 and that's the last sexual intercourse we had). It's wrong for any wife to do that. But, I have since forgave her and decided that my life can still thrive without have sex with her. I am involved in different hobbies and have close relationship with my immediate family and a circle of friends. You know what? after I made up my mind not to live like a victim and stopping begging for sex and have my self-respect, I became more effective in many areas of my life. I have two kids and I want to remain faithful for their sake. Also, you know what, a wife denied her husband is doing herself any favor at all. She could experience so much more in life in a given and take relationship instead of the wrong path. I used to be a wimp trying to please my wife in every decision I made. Not any more...I feel my mind is sharper and more clear when I made decision for the family on the ground of what I believe to be right and correct path for the family. That is a good feeling too.

I turned my back but the LORD kept nudging me I was hurting him. So with God's help. I'm back!
Please pray for us women. Don't give up on us. The enemy wants us to drive you men into sin and destruction.
If only you would see the spiritual aspect of this things we do, you'd start a prayer chain for women who deprive their husbands of what God expects us to give wholeheartedly.
Please pray for us.

Don't you think your body is sacred and not to be a man's toilet to use when ever he wants. Sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable experience it shouldn't be like doing the laundry.

I have been in a sexless marriage for nearly twenty years and now am in my fifties, outward we never display any signs of our difficulties and all my wife's friends think that we have an ideal relationship and that she is mad about me as apparently she never stops talking about and praising me to them, there has been a few times that I have contemplated having an affair but I know that I would need something more intimate and sustainable but all my confidence has gone and at this stage I don't know if I would even be able to satisfy any woman either emotionally or sexually and as our children are still in college I cant leave and start another relationship due to financial restraints so it looks like that I'm stuck where I am for at least another five years.

Do you talk about it with her? Sometimes trying something crazy like pretending to be single for awhile might help both . Maybe she needs to feel jealous you know an emotional jump start.

Women will make all sorts of excuses but what this boils down to in a lot of these stories being told by men on this article is emotional abuse. You are living with emotionally abusive women who are using sex as a weapon against you. Instead of confiding in you about concerns they instead immediately try to punish and control you with sex. Sooner or later they will cheat and then claim that it was you the mans fault for the act of cheating as women have a habit of doing. Society has become to skewered in the favor of women and this is being reflected in the punishments and treatment the MAJORITY of women seem to doll out to men.

The dimple answer is do not tolerate it. End the relationship as hard as that maybe and walk away. If you were abusing the woman in your life by withholding food which should be mutually shared or money or even talking down to her and calling her hopeless you as a man would be held responsible. Called a monster and disowned. Yet women can and do do this in many many relationships and because of the nature of society get away with this poor behavior. Men of the world need to stick up for themselves no more paying the way for emotionally abusive women who cant even perform a 5 minute sex act with you ever now and again. Your paying for a leech to suck the life blood from you de emasculate you and drain any money you have! often paying and raising a child that's not yours. Its sad and its not right once a relationship gets to the stage where you are being denied sex for no good reason you need to speak up. Once a women starts putting you down or using sex as a tool you need to leave her.

As men we should HAVE to take a women on a date every time we desire to be intiamate. A woman commenting here mentions how we should try taking the women out with no thought of sex and just treating her well for a while and we will be rewarded! Why should it be like that? May as well get an honest working lady in that case.

Women have a bad habit of making sex into this tortures affair that leaves them scarred and takes hours upon hours to do. Its all false its a form of control and its abusive and damn right disgusting .

Flirting in front of you man to the point of confrontations is despicable behavior. Withholding sex for large amounts of time for no apparent reason or explanation is both damaging to the relationship and the man. I swear women in general love nothing more than to emasculate a man take away everything that 1st attracted hthem to him and hold control over him so he never cheats so he is begging for her all the time then she is satisfied.

Your to easy! Is a saying ive heard before what im to easy because i love you? You want a challenge FOR GOD SAKE grow up. Ive been tested before unknowingly placed in a position where if i failed i was in trouble yet i had no idea of said test and in my case she almost set me up to fail to justify her bad behavior.

Its sick women need to stand more accountable for there actions and the damage they do to in most cases nice men who are perhaps a little shy and not that successful with women. This western culture this self enlightenment to the BEST all the time has turned the majority of women into this self absorbed self righteous mess who believe that every rich good looking man should be with them and the current man is never enough.

Some of the stories here are awful and to be honest i want to slap you out of this pit. STOP IT stand up for yourselves! I dont condone violence but if she trys anything when you leave attacking you screaming shouting put her in her place or better yet phone the police. These women and they seem like the majority on the internet at least are scum. They have no qualms about winding men up leaving them feeling hopeless and d emasculate and in some cases hold beliefs like its ok to flirt with other men or sleep in the same bed or even have extended times alone with another man. They have no respect they have no integrity and it seems to me to be an ever increasing number of women who are like this.

I have been one of these saps. A gentle man loving kind and caring! When she called me out for being just what woemen ask for and making me less of a man and finially dumping my *** i flew off the handle. I got angry! I saw it all and i changed. Now i have changed for ever and now i am full of this bitterness which i know is to much. All because i suffered at the hands of a women who decided to destroy for all other women before leaving me. Eil and its about time more women were either named or shamed for this **** or at least it becomes more recognized. Men get abused all the time eryday just the ***** in soceity get the stats on TV! 40% of abuse was against men back in 2002 and thats years ago......

Stats that are not heard of that are hidden. Stats that if you studdy certain subjects at collegue or Uni you will learn about. It has to stop but only men can stop this.

I am so damaged from my experience its quite likely my resentment and bitterness will manifest itself inn my next relationship and thats IF i can attract a women. Wil i beat her will i try and control her who knows! Hopefully i can see that not all women are the same but its about time we stopped sweeping womens bad behavior under the carpet its about time that women got true quality in EVERYTHING! Not what suits them. The law marriage and life in general. Either women except equality in its whole or we do away with it.

Makes me sad the stories here i mean jesus you poor guys. Un Loved unwanted rejected left to rot. Yet your the PIG if you leave them. Tell you what i can see why men react with iolence sometimes. Our sexes are different but the power balance between them is skewered completely.

Like how its ok for a women to cheat on her husband in many peoples aeyes because he WASENT doing enough for her. Regardless of the fact its her withholding the sex and he is still working everyday still talking to her everyday, still showing affection. God help us men. They way its going things are just going to get worse and worse.

The woman who treated you badly is winning. The best revenge is to live well and make your next relationship a loving one. Take time and get a game plan to do that.

Hi I can see how in some cases this my be true that some women use sex as a weapon. I stopped wanting it because I didn't enjoy it. Sex is supposed to be an enjoyable activity for both. I got tired of being a toilet for 10 years. I still lay down for him sometimes but it's only to keep him content. And after he's relieved I feel like a toilet again great feeling after something that's supposed to be a wonderful experience.

Romance boys! Srsly men got lazy after marriage. You guys have that " expect sex" syndrome or you feel you only need to be sensual when u want sex. Your disinterest to try makes us uninterested in sex or worse, uninterested in you. Take her out on the town,rubb her down without leading to sex! Then ud be complaining. How much you're legs are sore ;)

I have not had sex since my son was born *8 months ago it is painful and embarrassing but the hardest thing for me is the feeling that she has totally shut down to me and probably doesnt love me anymore and certainly is not attracted to me. I love her and my son so much but I am very scared that this will be divorce number 2 it seems doomed.

I don't want to judge you. But why won't the second marriage work, again?
Please pray, ask God to show you what you're doing wrong or not doing at all. Women aren't wired like men so we can't tell how you feel.
Also pray for her. Forgive her and don't sentence yourself to misery by accepting the status quo. God is ready to answer prayers.
Just repent of whatever you think you've done or not done, then ask God to intervene in your marriage.

Get out
life is to short

I understand your situation as they are partially the sane except we aren't married yet. But since we had our 2 year old and a few years before that it seems she dosent want to be touched kissed or even havecsex. I'm confused and burned out talking to her about it but don't want to leave. It's a crazy feeling

If you don't feed the wolf, the wolf will feed himself.

( That's for all you ladies that don't want to have sex with your man, because you are a selfish prude that cares more about her 100 things on her list to do, than your own husband or boyfriend, you are being selfish. Get your damn priorities straight.)

My girlfriend of 5 years will not have sex with me, because she disrespects me. She feels superior to me, for many reasons, mostly because she has a job, that takes 90% priority in her life besides our son who is the other 10% of her motives.

I myself have a job working for my father, and tend to make more money than her, even though its under the table she holds that over my head. Also, she lives at home with me and my parents, says im jealous because she is doing better in life than me, yet she has no where else to go and cannot afford a place on her own. There is a long story behind this, but just know this. Because she has something against me, even if its a figment of her imagination, she holds it over my head and will not hug me, look at me, talk to me out of her own will. I do everything for her, i clean her room i cook dinner for her when she gets home, i tell her how beautiful she is everyday. Yet because i am this "bad guy" she doesn't feel the need to return the favor, or any favors for that matter.

I am an attractive guy, 26 years old, I give her multiple ******* each time we are intimate once every 3 months on average over the past 4 years since my son was born , the sex just slowed down and now it has been 6 months and she has now, pretty much, decided she cannot be intimate with me because she despises me.

Her claims are she has never really been into sex much because of issues in her past with abuse from men in her childhood. Yet in the beginning we were having sex like rabbits so i don't feel that excuse is relevant for her anymore.

I am the type of guy that is open about my feelings, I tell her how i feel, and i am assertive about it, yes i yell and get mad, even cry, when things come out about my feelings for her and not wanting to lose her. I tried the "Be a man, and stop being a ***** make her submit." approach. Which only made her hate me even more. She thinks im a jerk. I cannot do anything right, even when i try and am on good behavior, things never get better.

She just wants to move out of my parents house, i have no problem with that i also want to and we are working on it, but i am afraid if i move in with her and spend thousands on a home, that she will still act this way against me. Either way i am moving out with her and seeing what happens, its a valid sacrifice, especially because i do not want to lose my son. ( He is not biologically mine but he knows me as daddy i was there when he was born and everything, she does not speak to the father since 1 month into the pregnancy, because he kicked her out for not getting an abortion.)

Her living situation was horrible when i met her, i was her night in shining armor and things were awesome then. She feels she is independent now and does not need me and here i am still in love with her and now she wants out, or away from it all, an escape from her so called life. She is cold to our son also, she does not give him enough affection, she thinks reading a book to him and getting him ready for preschool is affection enough. He is only 4 years old.

She is supposed to be my teammate, yet she acts like i am her opponent.

Sometimes, I just want to pin her against the wall and tell her to love me, tell her to give me a hug when she comes home, tell her to submit to me and my role as a father and man of our family. I cant make her do anything, and obviously if i did that to her she'd leave me on the spot and id end up in jail. But, the amount of frustration that builds up in me over the lack of acknowledgement i get from her is too much to handle.

I dont want to lose her, i dont want to lose my son, I want a new home with them, I want intimacy with my girlfriend of 5 years, I want affection and love from her. I want respect from her.

I guess i just dont know how to attain the respect, the affection, the love and attention.

Maybe shes just a selfish *****, and i need to ditch her, or maybe its me.

But one thing is for sure, "If you don't feed the Wolf, the Wolf will feed himself."

damn bro, I thought i was the only one in this world dealing with this situation. I thought my woman just ha to much sex in her past life and now has no room for me and it hurts so much.. and I also am in the same boat as you because i dont want to leave since we have kids and one of them isnt mine but calls me dad and looks up to me i couldnt just be another father figure walking out of his life. she has made me feel like i dont know how to be with a woman or love one at that, she drives me crazy. saying one thing when shes mad and ripping me apart then manipulating me with words to see that she oes love me and then teases me an never does anything. I feel like the biggest joke ever. and my whole existence is just crashing i dont feel like a man or anything worth while anymore. she has destroyed my self esteem my reason to love. she has altered my perception of what a relationship is truly about just because she abused the meaning of love,sex, and relationships. I got to say though, the "if you dont feed the wolf,the wolf feeds himself" is perfect.

I don't know all things. I do know that a man whose heart earnestly yearns after God without hypocrisy and married to a woman who loves The Lord will both have a different story. If you don't have ED issues that you are hiding, let God be your problem solver. Ask Him.
Some of us aren't that perfect at dealing with you guys. I hurt because it's usually ten seconds long **** and it drives me crazy afterwards. I can go 2 hours or more. He doesn't act like he loves me. Never says it. Meet my needs as he can afford , but is either cold or nasty 95% of the time, but as per the ED, he won't get help. I won't have affairs cause it's a sin before God.
I work out to keep fit and take my mind off ****. Yet I get complements from younger men, I'm nearing 50.
So I agree to be a ***** bin, I lay there and I let him have his way anytime, but he wants me to be seen to enjoy the 10 seconds marathon! Cuddle, hug, kiss!
When I refuse, he sulks and rants on been deprived sexually and abandoned, I link him up with doctors, he won't follow up.
Where's love here?
Who's starving the wolf?

are u all serious! that u couldnt make it work after that stage?. i am guy with a 12 yr long married relationship and with kids. over last one year we hv had somewhat improved relation. however i raise concern with my wife when we dont hv intimacy n sex more than once a day. but have to admit i was in ur situations couple of years back but did lot of mutual counseling and worked out things. still feel its not a consistent relation to keep us going over next few years...

It's not worth the trouble. The relationship hasn't been sealed by God so it's fornication, period!
Let her go alone.
Seek God while he may be found, before you make another mistake.
Give your whole being, your lust for her to Jesus.
Let her by herself find the love of God.theres no true love if God is not the center, whether you're in love or not. When God is in the center, when you both love God, as you meet with Him, you're inadvertently linking up with her, because where she is, God is, if she gives her life to Jesus. I'm not talking being a Christian or a churchgoer, I mean living the life that Jesus alone gives.
In that new life, she will submit without being told, times of praying together can heal. Clean up!
Get cleaned up!
Then you'll have to find something legit to do so the enemy doesn't use your under the table income to wreck your love life. Most importantly, seek genuine godly counsel. Get a better life. When you're both saved and enjoying the unadulterated love of Jesus, things should change. After this, Propose marriage to her. If she says no... What are you waiting for?

1 More Response

I know exactly what you are going through, as i am going through the same thing with my wife, we have been married for 20 years and had 3 kids, things was fine up until my my wife reached 40, then sex starting getting less and less frequent, now she is 43 and i am 42, and its got to the point where we no longer have sex, and she cant bear me touching her anymore, i love her very deeply and she says she loves me, i don't know what the hell as happened but i don't feel loved anymore, i am at my wits end as i get urges all the time and cant do a thing about it, i am at my wits end and don't know what to do about it.

Damn, this sounds exactly like my life. After 25 years of marriage, I'm having to beg my wife for affection and sex. I thought I had this figured out after so many years. She is now 44 and has zero sex drive. I'm 43 and still feel like a teenager. At this point I don't need Viagra, I need a pill for my wife. I also don't feel loved or appreciated. She uses the kids as an excuse, but when we go away without them, nothing changes. The excuses are endless. Sometimes I get promises, but I know her game, rarely does she deliver. The only affection I get these days is from close female co-workers. I ended up having an emotional affair with a friend because we both felt unappreciated and ignored by our partners. It never got sexual, but it could have very easily. We both decided it was wrong and had to kill the affair. I'm now back to reality with my "ice princess." It all feels like a waste of time now. I can't imagine living the rest of my life this way. By the time our kids move out, I'm going to be a hollow shell of a man. My self-esteem has already crumbled and I'm not allowed to touch the woman that are actually happy to see me. Our public love life is also a fraud. Everyone thinks it is a fairy tail love affair, but actually it is all a lie. I don't know what to do. When I bring the subject up, she denies all of it. If it is untrue, why would I bring it up? If I wanted a roommate, I would have not gotten married and whole-heartedly committed my life to this women. Feel like a prisoner in cage serving a life sentence.

You have a right to expect sex from your wife. She is not holding up her end of the bargain in your marriage. First, ask her why she doesn't want sex. Then ask her to go see a doctor to be sure there's not a medical problem that is lowering her libido.

If you feel unloved and unappreciated, ask her what exactly is causing her to behave in unloving, unappreciative ways.

If she really still loves you, but is having problems that need to be addressed, she will answer your questions and go see a doctor. If she blows you off with excuses or non-answers, then you may have to consider the possibility that she wants a divorce and is trying to force you to pull the trigger first because she doesn't have the guts or the honesty to do so. Or she could be having an affair and because her sexual needs are being met elsewhere she has no more desire to have sex with you.

A lot of married women pull the same stunt after the kids are born. Their attitude is, "I got what I wanted out of the deal, and now that my husband is really locked in to the marriage, I can cut off the sex and do anything else I like to him and not be held accountable. No matter how bad my behaviour is, the courts always side with women and he will have far more to lose in divorce than I will."

Regardless of how your wife responds, I strongly suggest you get counselling for yourself to find out how to deal with your marriage. I would also see a lawyer and get basic advice on where you would stand in a divorce, because it sounds like a divorce is coming. I can guarantee you that if you push your wife to deal with her lack of libido, there is a good chance she may find it's put-up-or-shut-up time and she will then say, "I don't love you anymore. I want a divorce."

Women can be absolutely horrible in the way they treat men.

Are you sure you are not the mirror I look into
I have been married 7 years to a women 9 years younger
I am 57 shes 49
When we met she told me of her 6 children
1 when she was a teenager 14 years old hes now 34 yesterday
1 16-19 by a ex husband who she left after 9 years of marriage due to him not working and bullshitting he eventually movef to missouri
and sghe had a boyfriend for 5 years who turned out rto be a verbal abuser and she had 2 kids by him
wow i met her took all of them on except the 34 year old
The 2 older boys live with dad in missouri whi i pay child support too
the 2 younger ones we now have fuklk custody of $20.000 out of my pocket for court costs
and I have a a baby girl who is mine and hers whos my heart
I clean work bathe and basically do all choirs around the house she takes kids to school and reads her kindle all the time I support the kids the kids medical she doesnt need to work and she gets anything she wants
she spent $20.000 on lawyers to get them to represent her in custody case and failed to tell me how much money she spent
she now tell sme I knew, she never hid anyrhing
perhaps she is right but she never volenteered anything either

The05 yr/8 yr/are constantly mentioniong to me Why dont mommy clean?
I domt have a problem with this except for the last year She as gone through menopause and tells me she dont want sex/She s never in 7 years rubbed my back about intimacy-Whats that a song title
She seems to have time for other people but not even a real converasation with me
shes telling me we are married and shes comfortable and se doesnt like sex
Its a bad feeling because is it the truth or as she gone off me?
I tell her all the time Look if you are not into me you need to be honest
she consustently tells me is not me its her
why dont i believe her
I love her however i dont believe her
she shuts down when we talk or i try to talk about intimacy
its never a good time because of the kids are being awake
Its never a good time when there a sleep
and she gets to the point if i cornrt her goes to bed abd clams ujp wont talk to me and its always because i talk about sex she not gonna answer
My daughter was very sick with a trach and breathing equiopment for three years i slept on couch and she slept in bed with my daughter and its still thw same way
she tells me you need to come to bed i am not stopping you however i am so pissed anout how she treats me
I feel we are drifting apart however my friends tell me she as always been this way
I fiund a marriage councelor and we are going wednesday
what do you think it is
I am truly depressed

Oh also she was in a lesbian rwelationship for 12 years
she swears she is not a lesbian

and as i am writing this she just called and asked for the passcode to computer because my dayghet wants to play ansd she told me she loves me
whats going on

Of all the desperately single loving strong ladies in town, you chose one one with six kids!
She's burnt out!
She s found a steward. Can't you see..?
If not, pray together and ask God to touch her heart.

God again? What does God have to do with it?

It's very tough. I'm in a very similar situation. I wish my wife and I could have a intimate relationship. But our wives treat you and me about the same. Sex had dropped off to about 4-6 times per year after having kids. Now It's been almost a year since the last time. I get a kiss goodbye. That's about all the physical contact I get from my wife. My youngest is 13. I not want to cause any pain in any if my kids life by leaving. I truly still love my wife. But I'm so damn lonely.

Sometimes staying together 'for the sake of the kids' is the worst thing you could do. Your wife clearly does not love you anymore, so why stay? She must know that she is putting your marriage at risk by treating you so badly. If she's willing to let things go that far, then there is probably a good chance that she doesn't care if you leave or not.

Same here, we havent kissed in yrs. i dont know what her breasts feel like. Im sick of it. She wants me to b nice but im angry.

Do she care about kids? If yes, then I think you should try to work it out. Take her for a tour. She might need an adventure. And try to change some habits of yours which you think she doesn't like. I think you should try before taking any serious step. Remember ,kids need both parents.

Oh my god...some of these tales are incredible! Now, I will say I've not been married yet. But I cannot fathom life in a marriage without sex. Let me put it bluntly: even when I am not near that time of the month, I will purposefully pleasure myself, just because it feels good. Sometimes I will go for at least 3 nights in a row. I desire a man who is just as loving as he is passionate, for I am like that. I believe in knowing myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually and most definitely physically. I do not understand this "duty" bullcrap. There are things about certain sex acts that I still feel uncomfortable with, but I hope to find a guy who.will help me work through it and discuss it without judging me. (Such a guy will have to be a nonsmoker. Cigs are a turnoff for me on multiple fronts) From one human to another group of humans: A wise man once said "Know Thyself." Really know yourselves and what you are about. I know divorce seems like a no-go for some, but why be unhappy with someone who does not even give affection, let alone want sex? I know the kind of relationship I want. And I refuse to settle. Yes, I know I have years to go before The Change. But when I get there, I will be on a quest for knowledge on how to keep the marriage hot. Especially as I refuse to fall in line with what people say is "typical." I do not plan on having kids anyway. Not because I don't like them, but because I would have troubles getting pregnant anyway. My dad's side of the family is dysfunctional anyhow, and I need time to explore who *I* really am and where I want to go with my dream career. Besides, if I feel the urge to nurture young souls, there are other ways. So...reading all these stories only reconfirms what I feel might be the path for me.

Wow!! Blame blame...

NEWSFLASH: ever consider your wives may NOT be physically attracted to you??

I've been married for 9 years. The husband was VERY inexperienced but I thought it'd get better. BZZZZ. WRONG.

It's pathetic. It's quick (30 seconds?) and just isn't desirable.

Plus add on the fact that physically he's gotten more unattractive (he "doesn't care what anyone thinks" of him) and I'm just like "Don't touch me".

It's not JUST that...there are other things that have caused marital issues and it just adds on to it, but overall, I have no physical desire for him. There is no passion or that heart-banging lust.

So, boys, get over yourselves and consider there are other reasons (like YOU) for the rejection.

So it's his fault that you're treating him like crap, right? A woman who marries a man she knows she is not attracted to is a parasite, plain and simple.

You need to stop being a ***** and become a real man and put your foot down. You ask her sit down and You need to let her know your the man of the house and You demand she stop acting like a ***** and act like a wife. I wish in the USA there was not so much little boys being ****** maybe woman will not be walking all over men. Just ******* grow up and be a man and tell her to put out or get out.


I agree that women marry men for children only. They settle for anyone just so they can have kids and a husband to pay for them. Women have no sexual interest. God made them this way. Divorcing your wife will only lead to being lonely because you will not trust another woman. They will only want your $. No other woman will be any different. All women hate sex. At least you get to see your children. That will have to be enough. Sex is like a game of bridge. If you have a good hand, you might as well go it alone.

Im sorry that you are going through that, but I am in the same boat your wife is in. To me sex is the last thing on my list of 1000 things to do. I always tell my significant other to find him a woman that will be willing to have sex with him because I'm not anymore. At this time in my life I need mental simulation. I think that once I find that, I will be able to find my "mojo" again.

So, you have a partner that just doesn't stimulate you mentally. At one time he did though? Or have you changed? So, you feel he should remain committed to the relationship with you, and find something on the side? Fascinating.

I'm going on six years without. I am not happy but the wife has some serious problems with endometriosis and depression. Bad situation.

What if she gets leprosy and her vagina falls off? Seriously, your responses are asinine and far from helpful. Even if people can find happiness without sex this poster isn't one of those people, nor does he want to be. The purpose of his post was to find resolution not listen to your small minded reasoning that your selfishly delight in.

Why not help him out or spare the world your childish negativity and half witted responses?

Your choices:
1) cheat
2) get her to go to counseling with you to find the root of the problem and fix it
3) divorce, even if you only get partial custody. You aren't doing your kids a big favor by staying in a loveless marriage.

I don't get you guys that put up with this for years. i would be out the door. So long *****. Its normal for men and women to have different sex drives, but a woman that wont' have sex with you at all? Won't meet in the middle or compromise? No affection at all? Thats not a marriage. Why did you agree to have kids with her if you knew she was like this?

You need to confront her and ask her which of the 3 above options she would like you to take, since your emotional and sexual needs are not being met.

I'm 59 and have watched my marriage of 30 years dissolve into a passionless, sexless, affection-less marriage... No kids, but now strapped with elder-care on two fronts... when my parents are gone... I am going to finally leave my wife.... and try and salvage what little remains of my time on the runway. I used to think I could stick it out.... truth is I no longer want to... keep the house, cars, dog, ... I want out.... it will be worth it in my book... I will be the crusty salty dog down in key west at the bar...

My wife and I tried to have a child but couldn't. I'm infertile. I know it's off topic but sometimes off topics on some blogs find more common ground than topics on respective blogs. I'm 52. I'm a very horny guy and often need to resort to saving a dose of Adderall (for ADHD) to pop it at night or when I'm alone in the house, and try to get off on it. My wife might ask what I did today, and I tell her the truth, and say that I want her everyday and I would be more energetic eventually. But being infertile is horrible.

It's not all lost. Give your beautiful heart to Jesus.
Ask Him for forgiveness and let him take over.

So, we should ask for magic to fix everything?