Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

At 42 My Wife Hates Sex, Intimacy, Hugging, Everything

I find it hard to believe and if I wasn't living it, I wouldn't believe it to be true.  My wife has absolutely no positive feelings or emotions and absolutely doesn't want to be touched by me - her husband.  I can't even remember the last time she hugged me! A passionate kiss is impossible to get and I can't remember the last time she was willing to be touched much less have an intimate encounter or sex at all.

 

Twenty-twenty hindsight is amazing.  When we dated she said I wasn't into the positive emotions or hugging, and sex enough.  There was a time when we had sex an average of twice a day.  Now it is none, zero, zip.  While we were dating, I got her to go to church with me.  Once I got her to go regulary, we both agreed that we should wait to have sex until we were married.  So we did.

 

Now 20 years later she tells me that was when she turned off her emotions toward me and didn't want to touch me.  Strange enough, when she wanted to have kids, she did.   She took her temperatures and charted them to predict ovulation.  Then she wanted to have sex twice daily around her ovulation cycle.  To say the least, we produced kids fairly easily at that pace.  Then when she didn't want anymore kids, it was hands-off.  Our youngest is now 10.

 

Over the years there have been periodic rumors of her having an affair here or there.  There is one high probability of a one night stand at a class reunion that I was not allowed nor invited to go.  

 

 Basically I am in an empty relationship, but worried about my children.  In South Carolina it is hard for fathers to get custody of their children.  If I could, I would. 

AugustaBill AugustaBill 41-45 67 Responses Apr 16, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

I am too in a marriage with similar signs as you describe. However, mostly my wife describes the same problems (excuses) as other ladies have replied with. I don't do anything around the house to help out, or I don't help out with the kids enough, we don't date often enough, I only want sex... etc... you get the point.There are a couple posts that suggest a woman is a toilet, or feels as a toilet after sex. I ask why? Why in the world do you feel like a toilet after sex? Are you not in a loving marriage? If the man doesn't love you, then fine. But what in the world are you describing? Your husbands do not satisfy you? If so, then why not discuss what needs to happen, and if you have to constantly explain what you like, did you have to do that when you dated? What has changed? Did he used to satisfy you and now he doesn't? If he never did, then I ask why are you married to him?

What I want to reply to, is to the wives, or female responses so far that have stated their men do not do enough for them to keep them interested or make their lives easier. I ask, did your man do any of those things when you were dating? Did he do your laundry? Did he wash your dishes? Did he make your bed? Did he walk your dogs? Most commonly, the answers are no, but what he did do is give you his time and his attention. What happens when one tries to have a sincere conversation with one's spouse and she isn't interested in talking? What happens when your wife doesn't pay attention to you when you do finally have a conversation? How does one effectively establish a connection when the other is too busy to slow down to listen? I understand my wife is busy, and I understand there are a million things that need to be done during a busy work week. However, have you ladies out there ever thought of, when you withhold sex and make us husbands feel absolutely worthless, unattractive, and undesirable that perhaps feelings of depression and hopelessness become evident. AND for that reason, we do not do anything! Depression is a huge motivational killer. I do believe this forces a man to enter into a very dangerous cycle for the relationship, or what we term a rut. If I felt loved, desired, wanted, or heck even liked, I would most certainly want to help around the house. I would love to be part of a team that helps make the household go. I hate being married to an estranged roommate. How many therapy sessions, or conversations about intimacy have to be gone through until we can establish the friendship we used to have.

Think back when you were dating or even just first moved in together, I'm sure you both had "to-do lists" and shopped together, and upgraded the apartment or home together. Plenty of hobbies and things to share with each other, that also led to sex. This wasn't the husband or boyfriend doing your laundry or dishes or vacuuming for the woman. This was a man and woman spending quality time together. Both were so excited to be together that they didn't have a desire to text, email, talk on the phone, or whatever else with other people, you only wanted to be with your significant other.

Last time I checked, I don't wash my friends clothes, I don't cook my friends dinner, yet I cant wait to talk to them when we hang out. So, why is it any different in a marriage??? F-U-N, where has it gone, and does it ever come back? Being busy is a bulls*** excuse! Men not doing enough to wine and dine their woman, or chores around the house is a bulls*** excuse! Simply put its called LAZY! I didn't have to take my wife out on a date to have an intimate time with her when we were dating or first together. Just being together was enough. So, what has changed? I call her gorgeous, beautiful, and hug her constantly. Oh and by-the-way I do take her out on dates, and guess what? No sex! Oh wait! You say I'm not supposed to have an expectation for sex when I take her out. Perhaps I will be "rewarded" if I just take her out without any expectations at all. Well can I sit, roll over, and speak too? Perhaps I can have my treat? How much of a date will suffice? Perhaps a 3-star evening? Or do we need caviar too? *Sorry to lay on the sarcasm, but this notion that us men need to show, our wives a good time to have an intimate moment with them is GARBAGE.* Do we all need to get out and away from the kids and work? Of course. However, to say this is the reason for lack of sex in a marriage is ridiculous at best.

There is certainly something to be said for being comfortable with your partner. After all, everyone can find themselves in their comfort zones with time, and we feel safe and secure. However, we need to fight that laziness. Because that is the where ruts begin. When sex is looked at to be a chore, I'm curious to know why these feelings occur after the ring slides onto the finger? Sex was always a great aspect in our relationship during the dating years, and even at the beginning of our marriage. We both had orgas**; it was always a pleasurable experience.

Now, however, I'm the only one initiating a hug, kiss, holding of hands, conversation, or heaven forbid actual sex...its more exhausting than the actual act. Therefore.... I have become LAZY too. I chose to jump into the vicious "mind game cycle" that is "I will never initiate or beg for sex again" and therefore, we just simply do not have it. It's been months and months, and to be honest I cant remember the last time we did. I have just become so disgusted with the notion that I need to jump through a hoop to get a treat. (Like I'm the only one who enjoys it, she loves sex when we actually do it.) I have no idea why she never wants it. She always has the standard excuse as mentioned above. It's a horrible cycle, I would never wish upon anyone.

My advice is this, if you have a woman (like I do) that has this notion about sex in your marriage and holds it as a reward or punishment towards you, tell her to take a hike. Easier said than done right? I too am in this marriage because of my children, and will be miserable for the next fourteen years or so. But after my prison sentence is done. I am out! My only fear is messing my children up, because its hard to fake love. I certainly don't want them to think this is what love looks like. But, perhaps my wife and I will learn to improve our acting before they are aware. Perhaps I married a woman I loved, but she was only ever just comfortable with me. Remember though...there is something to say for comfort... Too bad comfort doesn't always work out for happiness.

I feel the same way,what do you do?

Add a response...

Women tend to lose interest in sex after a few years of marriage, so that it becomes a point of contention for most couples. So far as I can tell, there is no hope for this condition, as it has nothing to do with the husband, whose sex drive has not changed since courting. All the 'he doesn't please me' statements are not to the point. If women wish to maintain successful marriages, they will try as hard in the bedroom as they do in the kitchen. They will not give up until the meal is prepared and cooked on a daily basis, and likewise in the bedroom.

The analogy is easy to understand: for many, probably most men, sex is an appetite, one that will not go away. For many, probably most, women, sex is an ornament, an optional engagement. less important than naps and bubble bath, more important than a new car.

The only lesson is that women need to treat sex as more important than their make-up, more important than their hair, more important than texting their friends, more important than their television programs. For many, probably most, women, these ephemeral items take precedent, yet none of them bring marital satisfaction. Why is this not understood? Why are women so dense as to misunderstand that a modest attentiveness to basic physical needs will set aside a host of troubles in the future? Yet for very many wives, this is too much to ask.

All I can surmise is that women do not wish to have successful marriages, unless it is on terms that do not take their actual husbands into account. Ladies, do yourself a favor, one that will help you with your financial future and the stability of your marriage: get some scandalous lingerie, put it on on a regular basis, give the guy a good screwing at least once a week. Solve all your problems? No, but it might solve some, and at a fraction of the cost of a divorce. Not to mention all the benefits of a stable marriage, content children, and a good future.

I would agree with this. As a woman myself, I would say that in general (there will always be exceptions) women don't ever have a strong urge for regular *******. Yes, at the start of a relationship a woman wants sex because she wants to be as close to her man as possible. The thought of having him inside her makes her head spin and she cant get enough of him sexually. While she may enjoy the ******* very much, this isn't her primary reason for wanting sex. In a long term relationship, the need for closeness is satisfied in other ways and sex is no longer actively desired.

Of course this isn't the same for a man who needs regular passionate willing sex to stay happy in the relationship and bonded to his wife. I can't really understand why, if a woman loves her husband and values her marriage, she would jeopardise the relationship by refusing sex. I do think that many women are oblivious to a man's real need for sex and misunderstand it as simply kinky desire. There is also an idea that a woman shouldn't have to do anything that she doesn't want to, it's her body etc etc , but this is a selfish approach in my opinion - a loving relationship is about taking care of your partners needs and gaining pleasure in doing so.

Of course the key term is ' a woman who loves her husband and values her marriage'. Even in a failing marriage a man will generally take any sex that's on offer. A woman simply won't want sex with a husband she has lost feelings for and will see no reason to do something she doesn't want to do.

My advice to husbands is to make sure your wives fully understand your love for your wife, your need for sex as a way of expressing that love, and the strain your marriage will be under if you don't make time for regular intimacy. If a frank conversation doesn't produce results ( and assuming of course that you are a good considerate husband, helping out with chores etc etc and that there aren't other factors at play such as illness, a history of abuse etc ) then I would consider walking away from the marriage. This major step may jolt your wife out of her complacency. If it doesn't, then that would seem to indicate that you haven't got a marriage worth holding onto.

If you have young children, then I must admit, I'm not sure whether this is the right step or not. My heart goes out to you if you are in this position. All I can say is that nobody would expect a woman suffering physical abuse to stay in a marriage, even if she has children. A man in a sexless marriage is suffering mental abuse in my opinion. If, out of desperation, he feels he has no option but to leave, he should not blame himself or be weighed down with guilt. The blame lies with the wife who has failed to realise and act upon her obligations to her husband.

PS The word that has been bleeped out above is the word that begins with 'O' and means the same as climax. Quite how this is a vulgar word is beyond me...

Hi I'm a wife Who is going through something similar. I can only tell you that there must be or have been something that has or is turning her off. For me it was several things. We have been married 15 years and he hates fore play. When I try to teach him he never remembers for the next time so I have to coach our sex every time. He's 50 years old and should know what to do. No confidence in bed. Turn off #1 when we have intercourse it lasts 30 sec. 3 years no ogasm so what's my motivation? Turn off #2. He has really bad gas all nite every nite. It smells like a dog dumped in our room. Turn off #3. He has no interests or passions which could help him to be an interesting intriguing person. Turn off #4. I honestly think we should go back to being boyfriend n girlfriend and he should date other women it will force him to care about all of the above. A time out may help jump start things.

Wow the feeling is felt by many....

Here's some literature that might be useful on this topic: David Deida, 'The Way of the Superior Man' and Athol Kay, 'The Married Man Sex Life Primer'. I think both authors have web sites.

I know of a great book men should it's titled mating in captivity. Women r like wild cats her mojo will return when her spirit is free and she is enjoying life. Also the man should really just **ck really Well.that will get her addicted to you and all over you like a cat.

I have the same situation only because husband just wants sex. We women need to see a consistent and sincere passion for us your wives. Men easily take wives for granted without knowing it.
A times we just see you men as been too stiff and not sweet. Be sweet. Be modern, be neat, look like a man that other women will die to have. Women remain young at heart even at age 60. So see your wife like a teenager needing courtship everyday!
Even if you could have custody of the children, think of accounting to God for a broken marriage.
May the Lord help you be the man she desires always.

i at first bought that i was unique case....haven't touched or been near since march 2013..now we are in feb 2014-wont let me, excuses galore.this happened before, but this has been the longest and somehow ,blame always on me.so what have i done differently of late? do things that feel good to me..hobbies, sport, out with the "boys".for the kids sakes, i still and will hang around. In the process,and with me now feeling good about me, and in noticeably( so i get told) better body shape,she suddenly begins to 'warm up'..suffices it to say,i'm now having a great time than i did when 'p***y-whipped',to even think about engaging with her sexually. i'm in a new job and i work with a fairly attractive lady,who constantly moving into my 'personal space' all smiles,swashbuckling and all.must admit i was contemplating..what with being "starved" and all.That is until i realised that the man out in the workplace yard, always bitter and dejected IS her husband,and figured must be why he is like so. So what did I do? Befriend him, and over a couple of months confirm my assumptions. His words to the effect were, funny how we, men, can't, or don't talk about this things..we're all bravado and conquests talk, yet suffer silently.women on the other hand have a ton of support.What i did next? ask him, 'so how's family?' in front, or within her earshot.amazingly, she(colleague) attitude now changed..i'm lucky to get a grunt to most of my yes/no questions.this served an eye opener as to women's thinking or lack of,and absence of consideration, by a species supposed to be emotionally driven.it is then that i resorted to my own "well being"..not easy at first but gradual..that long bike ride..weekend fishing/out with the(similar cases) 'boys'-(so many you won't believe it.almost every married man)..'solo" overseas holiday....aaaah...most important, no outing for the two of us-only where the kids are involved..this for the kids..you must think, what a silly approach/remedy..."you should be fixing what 'sub-consciously" went wrong"..and i'm thinking let i sub-consciously fix itself..meantime I AM going to live a full life..it is too short and unpredictable for one to ,'live' emasculated,depressed,and the likes.do i love her? very much, but now i also love me, which looking back can't remember doing..atleast consciously..has she cheated, will she cheat, what if, she cheats? those questions haven't got the time, wherewithal to think about. to fellow male initiate this issue to other male as a joke to friends and familiar males and be surprised by initial responses you get...then put on a serious face, and repeat the query/statement..after a few "you're serious' " and few walk-outs, some will open up..that's how our 'boys' group came about..forget not tho', "the smart one told the fool to go and thrash his wife, yet the smart one went home to praise his wife"...anyway male friends,your call, enjoy life, or live depressed..happy Fathers day,everyday!!

Once a woman turn off her feeling for you it's almost impossible to turn it back on. So, be prepare she is not going to change ever. However, that doesn't mean you cannot have a good life still. Yes, not having sexual relationship with your wife is tough (My youngest is 5 and that's the last sexual intercourse we had). It's wrong for any wife to do that. But, I have since forgave her and decided that my life can still thrive without have sex with her. I am involved in different hobbies and have close relationship with my immediate family and a circle of friends. You know what? after I made up my mind not to live like a victim and stopping begging for sex and have my self-respect, I became more effective in many areas of my life. I have two kids and I want to remain faithful for their sake. Also, you know what, a wife denied her husband is doing herself any favor at all. She could experience so much more in life in a given and take relationship instead of the wrong path. I used to be a wimp trying to please my wife in every decision I made. Not any more...I feel my mind is sharper and more clear when I made decision for the family on the ground of what I believe to be right and correct path for the family. That is a good feeling too.

I turned my back but the LORD kept nudging me I was hurting him. So with God's help. I'm back!
Please pray for us women. Don't give up on us. The enemy wants us to drive you men into sin and destruction.
If only you would see the spiritual aspect of this things we do, you'd start a prayer chain for women who deprive their husbands of what God expects us to give wholeheartedly.
Please pray for us.

Don't you think your body is sacred and not to be a man's toilet to use when ever he wants. Sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable experience it shouldn't be like doing the laundry.

I have been in a sexless marriage for nearly twenty years and now am in my fifties, outward we never display any signs of our difficulties and all my wife's friends think that we have an ideal relationship and that she is mad about me as apparently she never stops talking about and praising me to them, there has been a few times that I have contemplated having an affair but I know that I would need something more intimate and sustainable but all my confidence has gone and at this stage I don't know if I would even be able to satisfy any woman either emotionally or sexually and as our children are still in college I cant leave and start another relationship due to financial restraints so it looks like that I'm stuck where I am for at least another five years.

Do you talk about it with her? Sometimes trying something crazy like pretending to be single for awhile might help both . Maybe she needs to feel jealous you know an emotional jump start.

Women will make all sorts of excuses but what this boils down to in a lot of these stories being told by men on this article is emotional abuse. You are living with emotionally abusive women who are using sex as a weapon against you. Instead of confiding in you about concerns they instead immediately try to punish and control you with sex. Sooner or later they will cheat and then claim that it was you the mans fault for the act of cheating as women have a habit of doing. Society has become to skewered in the favor of women and this is being reflected in the punishments and treatment the MAJORITY of women seem to doll out to men.

The dimple answer is do not tolerate it. End the relationship as hard as that maybe and walk away. If you were abusing the woman in your life by withholding food which should be mutually shared or money or even talking down to her and calling her hopeless you as a man would be held responsible. Called a monster and disowned. Yet women can and do do this in many many relationships and because of the nature of society get away with this poor behavior. Men of the world need to stick up for themselves no more paying the way for emotionally abusive women who cant even perform a 5 minute sex act with you ever now and again. Your paying for a leech to suck the life blood from you de emasculate you and drain any money you have! often paying and raising a child that's not yours. Its sad and its not right once a relationship gets to the stage where you are being denied sex for no good reason you need to speak up. Once a women starts putting you down or using sex as a tool you need to leave her.

As men we should HAVE to take a women on a date every time we desire to be intiamate. A woman commenting here mentions how we should try taking the women out with no thought of sex and just treating her well for a while and we will be rewarded! Why should it be like that? May as well get an honest working lady in that case.

Women have a bad habit of making sex into this tortures affair that leaves them scarred and takes hours upon hours to do. Its all false its a form of control and its abusive and damn right disgusting .

Flirting in front of you man to the point of confrontations is despicable behavior. Withholding sex for large amounts of time for no apparent reason or explanation is both damaging to the relationship and the man. I swear women in general love nothing more than to emasculate a man take away everything that 1st attracted hthem to him and hold control over him so he never cheats so he is begging for her all the time then she is satisfied.

Your to easy! Is a saying ive heard before what im to easy because i love you? You want a challenge FOR GOD SAKE grow up. Ive been tested before unknowingly placed in a position where if i failed i was in trouble yet i had no idea of said test and in my case she almost set me up to fail to justify her bad behavior.

Its sick women need to stand more accountable for there actions and the damage they do to in most cases nice men who are perhaps a little shy and not that successful with women. This western culture this self enlightenment to the BEST all the time has turned the majority of women into this self absorbed self righteous mess who believe that every rich good looking man should be with them and the current man is never enough.

Some of the stories here are awful and to be honest i want to slap you out of this pit. STOP IT stand up for yourselves! I dont condone violence but if she trys anything when you leave attacking you screaming shouting put her in her place or better yet phone the police. These women and they seem like the majority on the internet at least are scum. They have no qualms about winding men up leaving them feeling hopeless and d emasculate and in some cases hold beliefs like its ok to flirt with other men or sleep in the same bed or even have extended times alone with another man. They have no respect they have no integrity and it seems to me to be an ever increasing number of women who are like this.

I have been one of these saps. A gentle man loving kind and caring! When she called me out for being just what woemen ask for and making me less of a man and finially dumping my *** i flew off the handle. I got angry! I saw it all and i changed. Now i have changed for ever and now i am full of this bitterness which i know is to much. All because i suffered at the hands of a women who decided to destroy for all other women before leaving me. Eil and its about time more women were either named or shamed for this **** or at least it becomes more recognized. Men get abused all the time eryday just the ***** in soceity get the stats on TV! 40% of abuse was against men back in 2002 and thats years ago......

Stats that are not heard of that are hidden. Stats that if you studdy certain subjects at collegue or Uni you will learn about. It has to stop but only men can stop this.

I am so damaged from my experience its quite likely my resentment and bitterness will manifest itself inn my next relationship and thats IF i can attract a women. Wil i beat her will i try and control her who knows! Hopefully i can see that not all women are the same but its about time we stopped sweeping womens bad behavior under the carpet its about time that women got true quality in EVERYTHING! Not what suits them. The law marriage and life in general. Either women except equality in its whole or we do away with it.

Makes me sad the stories here i mean jesus you poor guys. Un Loved unwanted rejected left to rot. Yet your the PIG if you leave them. Tell you what i can see why men react with iolence sometimes. Our sexes are different but the power balance between them is skewered completely.

Like how its ok for a women to cheat on her husband in many peoples aeyes because he WASENT doing enough for her. Regardless of the fact its her withholding the sex and he is still working everyday still talking to her everyday, still showing affection. God help us men. They way its going things are just going to get worse and worse.

The woman who treated you badly is winning. The best revenge is to live well and make your next relationship a loving one. Take time and get a game plan to do that.

Hi I can see how in some cases this my be true that some women use sex as a weapon. I stopped wanting it because I didn't enjoy it. Sex is supposed to be an enjoyable activity for both. I got tired of being a toilet for 10 years. I still lay down for him sometimes but it's only to keep him content. And after he's relieved I feel like a toilet again great feeling after something that's supposed to be a wonderful experience.

Romance boys! Srsly men got lazy after marriage. You guys have that " expect sex" syndrome or you feel you only need to be sensual when u want sex. Your disinterest to try makes us uninterested in sex or worse, uninterested in you. Take her out on the town,rubb her down without leading to sex! Then ud be complaining. How much you're legs are sore ;)

I have not had sex since my son was born *8 months ago it is painful and embarrassing but the hardest thing for me is the feeling that she has totally shut down to me and probably doesnt love me anymore and certainly is not attracted to me. I love her and my son so much but I am very scared that this will be divorce number 2 it seems doomed.

I don't want to judge you. But why won't the second marriage work, again?
Please pray, ask God to show you what you're doing wrong or not doing at all. Women aren't wired like men so we can't tell how you feel.
Also pray for her. Forgive her and don't sentence yourself to misery by accepting the status quo. God is ready to answer prayers.
Just repent of whatever you think you've done or not done, then ask God to intervene in your marriage.
Shalom!

Get out
life is to short

I understand your situation as they are partially the sane except we aren't married yet. But since we had our 2 year old and a few years before that it seems she dosent want to be touched kissed or even havecsex. I'm confused and burned out talking to her about it but don't want to leave. It's a crazy feeling

If you don't feed the wolf, the wolf will feed himself.

( That's for all you ladies that don't want to have sex with your man, because you are a selfish prude that cares more about her 100 things on her list to do, than your own husband or boyfriend, you are being selfish. Get your damn priorities straight.)

My girlfriend of 5 years will not have sex with me, because she disrespects me. She feels superior to me, for many reasons, mostly because she has a job, that takes 90% priority in her life besides our son who is the other 10% of her motives.

I myself have a job working for my father, and tend to make more money than her, even though its under the table she holds that over my head. Also, she lives at home with me and my parents, says im jealous because she is doing better in life than me, yet she has no where else to go and cannot afford a place on her own. There is a long story behind this, but just know this. Because she has something against me, even if its a figment of her imagination, she holds it over my head and will not hug me, look at me, talk to me out of her own will. I do everything for her, i clean her room i cook dinner for her when she gets home, i tell her how beautiful she is everyday. Yet because i am this "bad guy" she doesn't feel the need to return the favor, or any favors for that matter.

I am an attractive guy, 26 years old, I give her multiple ******* each time we are intimate once every 3 months on average over the past 4 years since my son was born , the sex just slowed down and now it has been 6 months and she has now, pretty much, decided she cannot be intimate with me because she despises me.

Her claims are she has never really been into sex much because of issues in her past with abuse from men in her childhood. Yet in the beginning we were having sex like rabbits so i don't feel that excuse is relevant for her anymore.

I am the type of guy that is open about my feelings, I tell her how i feel, and i am assertive about it, yes i yell and get mad, even cry, when things come out about my feelings for her and not wanting to lose her. I tried the "Be a man, and stop being a ***** make her submit." approach. Which only made her hate me even more. She thinks im a jerk. I cannot do anything right, even when i try and am on good behavior, things never get better.

She just wants to move out of my parents house, i have no problem with that i also want to and we are working on it, but i am afraid if i move in with her and spend thousands on a home, that she will still act this way against me. Either way i am moving out with her and seeing what happens, its a valid sacrifice, especially because i do not want to lose my son. ( He is not biologically mine but he knows me as daddy i was there when he was born and everything, she does not speak to the father since 1 month into the pregnancy, because he kicked her out for not getting an abortion.)

Her living situation was horrible when i met her, i was her night in shining armor and things were awesome then. She feels she is independent now and does not need me and here i am still in love with her and now she wants out, or away from it all, an escape from her so called life. She is cold to our son also, she does not give him enough affection, she thinks reading a book to him and getting him ready for preschool is affection enough. He is only 4 years old.

She is supposed to be my teammate, yet she acts like i am her opponent.

Sometimes, I just want to pin her against the wall and tell her to love me, tell her to give me a hug when she comes home, tell her to submit to me and my role as a father and man of our family. I cant make her do anything, and obviously if i did that to her she'd leave me on the spot and id end up in jail. But, the amount of frustration that builds up in me over the lack of acknowledgement i get from her is too much to handle.

I dont want to lose her, i dont want to lose my son, I want a new home with them, I want intimacy with my girlfriend of 5 years, I want affection and love from her. I want respect from her.

I guess i just dont know how to attain the respect, the affection, the love and attention.

Maybe shes just a selfish *****, and i need to ditch her, or maybe its me.

But one thing is for sure, "If you don't feed the Wolf, the Wolf will feed himself."

damn bro, I thought i was the only one in this world dealing with this situation. I thought my woman just ha to much sex in her past life and now has no room for me and it hurts so much.. and I also am in the same boat as you because i dont want to leave since we have kids and one of them isnt mine but calls me dad and looks up to me i couldnt just be another father figure walking out of his life. she has made me feel like i dont know how to be with a woman or love one at that, she drives me crazy. saying one thing when shes mad and ripping me apart then manipulating me with words to see that she oes love me and then teases me an never does anything. I feel like the biggest joke ever. and my whole existence is just crashing i dont feel like a man or anything worth while anymore. she has destroyed my self esteem my reason to love. she has altered my perception of what a relationship is truly about just because she abused the meaning of love,sex, and relationships. I got to say though, the "if you dont feed the wolf,the wolf feeds himself" is perfect.

I don't know all things. I do know that a man whose heart earnestly yearns after God without hypocrisy and married to a woman who loves The Lord will both have a different story. If you don't have ED issues that you are hiding, let God be your problem solver. Ask Him.
Some of us aren't that perfect at dealing with you guys. I hurt because it's usually ten seconds long **** and it drives me crazy afterwards. I can go 2 hours or more. He doesn't act like he loves me. Never says it. Meet my needs as he can afford , but is either cold or nasty 95% of the time, but as per the ED, he won't get help. I won't have affairs cause it's a sin before God.
I work out to keep fit and take my mind off ****. Yet I get complements from younger men, I'm nearing 50.
So I agree to be a ***** bin, I lay there and I let him have his way anytime, but he wants me to be seen to enjoy the 10 seconds marathon! Cuddle, hug, kiss!
When I refuse, he sulks and rants on been deprived sexually and abandoned, I link him up with doctors, he won't follow up.
Where's love here?
Who's starving the wolf?

are u all serious! that u couldnt make it work after that stage?. i am guy with a 12 yr long married relationship and with kids. over last one year we hv had somewhat improved relation. however i raise concern with my wife when we dont hv intimacy n sex more than once a day. but have to admit i was in ur situations couple of years back but did lot of mutual counseling and worked out things. still feel its not a consistent relation to keep us going over next few years...

Hey,
It's not worth the trouble. The relationship hasn't been sealed by God so it's fornication, period!
Let her go alone.
Seek God while he may be found, before you make another mistake.
Give your whole being, your lust for her to Jesus.
Let her by herself find the love of God.theres no true love if God is not the center, whether you're in love or not. When God is in the center, when you both love God, as you meet with Him, you're inadvertently linking up with her, because where she is, God is, if she gives her life to Jesus. I'm not talking being a Christian or a churchgoer, I mean living the life that Jesus alone gives.
In that new life, she will submit without being told, times of praying together can heal. Clean up!
Get cleaned up!
Then you'll have to find something legit to do so the enemy doesn't use your under the table income to wreck your love life. Most importantly, seek genuine godly counsel. Get a better life. When you're both saved and enjoying the unadulterated love of Jesus, things should change. After this, Propose marriage to her. If she says no... What are you waiting for?

1 More Response

I know exactly what you are going through, as i am going through the same thing with my wife, we have been married for 20 years and had 3 kids, things was fine up until my my wife reached 40, then sex starting getting less and less frequent, now she is 43 and i am 42, and its got to the point where we no longer have sex, and she cant bear me touching her anymore, i love her very deeply and she says she loves me, i don't know what the hell as happened but i don't feel loved anymore, i am at my wits end as i get urges all the time and cant do a thing about it, i am at my wits end and don't know what to do about it.

Damn, this sounds exactly like my life. After 25 years of marriage, I'm having to beg my wife for affection and sex. I thought I had this figured out after so many years. She is now 44 and has zero sex drive. I'm 43 and still feel like a teenager. At this point I don't need Viagra, I need a pill for my wife. I also don't feel loved or appreciated. She uses the kids as an excuse, but when we go away without them, nothing changes. The excuses are endless. Sometimes I get promises, but I know her game, rarely does she deliver. The only affection I get these days is from close female co-workers. I ended up having an emotional affair with a friend because we both felt unappreciated and ignored by our partners. It never got sexual, but it could have very easily. We both decided it was wrong and had to kill the affair. I'm now back to reality with my "ice princess." It all feels like a waste of time now. I can't imagine living the rest of my life this way. By the time our kids move out, I'm going to be a hollow shell of a man. My self-esteem has already crumbled and I'm not allowed to touch the woman that are actually happy to see me. Our public love life is also a fraud. Everyone thinks it is a fairy tail love affair, but actually it is all a lie. I don't know what to do. When I bring the subject up, she denies all of it. If it is untrue, why would I bring it up? If I wanted a roommate, I would have not gotten married and whole-heartedly committed my life to this women. Feel like a prisoner in cage serving a life sentence.

You have a right to expect sex from your wife. She is not holding up her end of the bargain in your marriage. First, ask her why she doesn't want sex. Then ask her to go see a doctor to be sure there's not a medical problem that is lowering her libido.

If you feel unloved and unappreciated, ask her what exactly is causing her to behave in unloving, unappreciative ways.

If she really still loves you, but is having problems that need to be addressed, she will answer your questions and go see a doctor. If she blows you off with excuses or non-answers, then you may have to consider the possibility that she wants a divorce and is trying to force you to pull the trigger first because she doesn't have the guts or the honesty to do so. Or she could be having an affair and because her sexual needs are being met elsewhere she has no more desire to have sex with you.

A lot of married women pull the same stunt after the kids are born. Their attitude is, "I got what I wanted out of the deal, and now that my husband is really locked in to the marriage, I can cut off the sex and do anything else I like to him and not be held accountable. No matter how bad my behaviour is, the courts always side with women and he will have far more to lose in divorce than I will."

Regardless of how your wife responds, I strongly suggest you get counselling for yourself to find out how to deal with your marriage. I would also see a lawyer and get basic advice on where you would stand in a divorce, because it sounds like a divorce is coming. I can guarantee you that if you push your wife to deal with her lack of libido, there is a good chance she may find it's put-up-or-shut-up time and she will then say, "I don't love you anymore. I want a divorce."

Women can be absolutely horrible in the way they treat men.

Are you sure you are not the mirror I look into
I have been married 7 years to a women 9 years younger
I am 57 shes 49
When we met she told me of her 6 children
1 when she was a teenager 14 years old hes now 34 yesterday
1 16-19 by a ex husband who she left after 9 years of marriage due to him not working and bullshitting he eventually movef to missouri
and sghe had a boyfriend for 5 years who turned out rto be a verbal abuser and she had 2 kids by him
wow i met her took all of them on except the 34 year old
The 2 older boys live with dad in missouri whi i pay child support too
the 2 younger ones we now have fuklk custody of $20.000 out of my pocket for court costs
and I have a a baby girl who is mine and hers whos my heart
I clean work bathe and basically do all choirs around the house she takes kids to school and reads her kindle all the time I support the kids the kids medical she doesnt need to work and she gets anything she wants
she spent $20.000 on lawyers to get them to represent her in custody case and failed to tell me how much money she spent
she now tell sme I knew, she never hid anyrhing
perhaps she is right but she never volenteered anything either

The05 yr/8 yr/are constantly mentioniong to me Why dont mommy clean?
I domt have a problem with this except for the last year She as gone through menopause and tells me she dont want sex/She s never in 7 years rubbed my back about intimacy-Whats that a song title
She seems to have time for other people but not even a real converasation with me
shes telling me we are married and shes comfortable and se doesnt like sex
Its a bad feeling because is it the truth or as she gone off me?
I tell her all the time Look if you are not into me you need to be honest
she consustently tells me is not me its her
why dont i believe her
I love her however i dont believe her
she shuts down when we talk or i try to talk about intimacy
its never a good time because of the kids are being awake
Its never a good time when there a sleep
and she gets to the point if i cornrt her goes to bed abd clams ujp wont talk to me and its always because i talk about sex she not gonna answer
My daughter was very sick with a trach and breathing equiopment for three years i slept on couch and she slept in bed with my daughter and its still thw same way
she tells me you need to come to bed i am not stopping you however i am so pissed anout how she treats me
I feel we are drifting apart however my friends tell me she as always been this way
I fiund a marriage councelor and we are going wednesday
what do you think it is
I am truly depressed

Oh also she was in a lesbian rwelationship for 12 years
she swears she is not a lesbian

and as i am writing this she just called and asked for the passcode to computer because my dayghet wants to play ansd she told me she loves me
whats going on
confused

Of all the desperately single loving strong ladies in town, you chose one one with six kids!
She's burnt out!
She s found a steward. Can't you see..?
If not, pray together and ask God to touch her heart.

God again? What does God have to do with it?

It's very tough. I'm in a very similar situation. I wish my wife and I could have a intimate relationship. But our wives treat you and me about the same. Sex had dropped off to about 4-6 times per year after having kids. Now It's been almost a year since the last time. I get a kiss goodbye. That's about all the physical contact I get from my wife. My youngest is 13. I not want to cause any pain in any if my kids life by leaving. I truly still love my wife. But I'm so damn lonely.

Sometimes staying together 'for the sake of the kids' is the worst thing you could do. Your wife clearly does not love you anymore, so why stay? She must know that she is putting your marriage at risk by treating you so badly. If she's willing to let things go that far, then there is probably a good chance that she doesn't care if you leave or not.

Same here, we havent kissed in yrs. i dont know what her breasts feel like. Im sick of it. She wants me to b nice but im angry.

Do she care about kids? If yes, then I think you should try to work it out. Take her for a tour. She might need an adventure. And try to change some habits of yours which you think she doesn't like. I think you should try before taking any serious step. Remember ,kids need both parents.

Oh my god...some of these tales are incredible! Now, I will say I've not been married yet. But I cannot fathom life in a marriage without sex. Let me put it bluntly: even when I am not near that time of the month, I will purposefully pleasure myself, just because it feels good. Sometimes I will go for at least 3 nights in a row. I desire a man who is just as loving as he is passionate, for I am like that. I believe in knowing myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually and most definitely physically. I do not understand this "duty" bullcrap. There are things about certain sex acts that I still feel uncomfortable with, but I hope to find a guy who.will help me work through it and discuss it without judging me. (Such a guy will have to be a nonsmoker. Cigs are a turnoff for me on multiple fronts) From one human to another group of humans: A wise man once said "Know Thyself." Really know yourselves and what you are about. I know divorce seems like a no-go for some, but why be unhappy with someone who does not even give affection, let alone want sex? I know the kind of relationship I want. And I refuse to settle. Yes, I know I have years to go before The Change. But when I get there, I will be on a quest for knowledge on how to keep the marriage hot. Especially as I refuse to fall in line with what people say is "typical." I do not plan on having kids anyway. Not because I don't like them, but because I would have troubles getting pregnant anyway. My dad's side of the family is dysfunctional anyhow, and I need time to explore who *I* really am and where I want to go with my dream career. Besides, if I feel the urge to nurture young souls, there are other ways. So...reading all these stories only reconfirms what I feel might be the path for me.

Wow!! Blame blame...

NEWSFLASH: ever consider your wives may NOT be physically attracted to you??

I've been married for 9 years. The husband was VERY inexperienced but I thought it'd get better. BZZZZ. WRONG.

It's pathetic. It's quick (30 seconds?) and just isn't desirable.

Plus add on the fact that physically he's gotten more unattractive (he "doesn't care what anyone thinks" of him) and I'm just like "Don't touch me".

It's not JUST that...there are other things that have caused marital issues and it just adds on to it, but overall, I have no physical desire for him. There is no passion or that heart-banging lust.

So, boys, get over yourselves and consider there are other reasons (like YOU) for the rejection.

So it's his fault that you're treating him like crap, right? A woman who marries a man she knows she is not attracted to is a parasite, plain and simple.

You need to stop being a ***** and become a real man and put your foot down. You ask her sit down and You need to let her know your the man of the house and You demand she stop acting like a ***** and act like a wife. I wish in the USA there was not so much little boys being ****** maybe woman will not be walking all over men. Just ******* grow up and be a man and tell her to put out or get out.

So.

I agree that women marry men for children only. They settle for anyone just so they can have kids and a husband to pay for them. Women have no sexual interest. God made them this way. Divorcing your wife will only lead to being lonely because you will not trust another woman. They will only want your $. No other woman will be any different. All women hate sex. At least you get to see your children. That will have to be enough. Sex is like a game of bridge. If you have a good hand, you might as well go it alone.

Im sorry that you are going through that, but I am in the same boat your wife is in. To me sex is the last thing on my list of 1000 things to do. I always tell my significant other to find him a woman that will be willing to have sex with him because I'm not anymore. At this time in my life I need mental simulation. I think that once I find that, I will be able to find my "mojo" again.

So, you have a partner that just doesn't stimulate you mentally. At one time he did though? Or have you changed? So, you feel he should remain committed to the relationship with you, and find something on the side? Fascinating.

I'm going on six years without. I am not happy but the wife has some serious problems with endometriosis and depression. Bad situation.

What if she gets leprosy and her vagina falls off? Seriously, your responses are asinine and far from helpful. Even if people can find happiness without sex this poster isn't one of those people, nor does he want to be. The purpose of his post was to find resolution not listen to your small minded reasoning that your selfishly delight in.

Why not help him out or spare the world your childish negativity and half witted responses?

Your choices:
1) cheat
2) get her to go to counseling with you to find the root of the problem and fix it
3) divorce, even if you only get partial custody. You aren't doing your kids a big favor by staying in a loveless marriage.

I don't get you guys that put up with this for years. i would be out the door. So long *****. Its normal for men and women to have different sex drives, but a woman that wont' have sex with you at all? Won't meet in the middle or compromise? No affection at all? Thats not a marriage. Why did you agree to have kids with her if you knew she was like this?

You need to confront her and ask her which of the 3 above options she would like you to take, since your emotional and sexual needs are not being met.

I'm 59 and have watched my marriage of 30 years dissolve into a passionless, sexless, affection-less marriage... No kids, but now strapped with elder-care on two fronts... when my parents are gone... I am going to finally leave my wife.... and try and salvage what little remains of my time on the runway. I used to think I could stick it out.... truth is I no longer want to... keep the house, cars, dog, ... I want out.... it will be worth it in my book... I will be the crusty salty dog down in key west at the bar...

My wife and I tried to have a child but couldn't. I'm infertile. I know it's off topic but sometimes off topics on some blogs find more common ground than topics on respective blogs. I'm 52. I'm a very horny guy and often need to resort to saving a dose of Adderall (for ADHD) to pop it at night or when I'm alone in the house, and try to get off on it. My wife might ask what I did today, and I tell her the truth, and say that I want her everyday and I would be more energetic eventually. But being infertile is horrible.

It's not all lost. Give your beautiful heart to Jesus.
Ask Him for forgiveness and let him take over.

So, we should ask for magic to fix everything?

Reading these responses, it's quite sad to see how many men feel slighted by their wives or SO. My take is this. Women naturally have a lower sex drive than men. The vast majority of my male friends complain about lack of sex. Heck, I found this website by accident because I was researching why I want sex 7 days a week. (as opposed to my 2 a week) Here's a bit of advice that worked for me. I sat my wife down and was basically honest about my needs. I tried to explain my basic need for sex. I explained that for men, sex is as necessary as eating or drinking water. Without it, I feel like a useless ape. Worthless, unsexy and not manly. I explained that it was tough on me having to think about sex 24/7 and only get satisfied once every 2 weeks. I told her I desired 'her' non<x>stop. I told her I fantasized about 'her' all day and I explained the multitude of scenarios I pictured with 'her'. It's very important to emphasize that it is her that you desire and not just sex with a female. That little talk helped get me back to 2 a weeks which has maintained for a long time. If it doesn't help you have only 2 real alternatives - split up or get some on the side.

2 a week is pretty lucky, I'm telling you, it is. Everyday is more like fantasy. After all, many things could get in the way.

Wow I thought my problems was bad enough. I haven't had sex in so long I think I will need an instruction book to know how to have sex. Sex was great and adventuresome but some where along the way it ended. She even asked me if I was asking for a divorce. She is not a bad person but really???????? I try to touch or fondle her and she pulls away even in her sleep. So I do allot of ************, but I would prefer someone with me. She never was one to start the fun. I have even went to AFF in hopes to find someone on the sly. Frustrated *** all hell. She wont discuss it with me just blows me off and not a good way.

Is AFF Adult FriendFinder?

Dear Augusta Bill..if you are still around.I lost my wife emitionally and sexually to a religious cult masquerading as Catholicism.No true religion "weakens" the marita bond.Yet religion is so powerfull a force...that No opinion alone can change it.It is a false theology of marriage but like my wife your's is probably list forever.Find a girlfriend and hunker down for a life of duplicity and suffering.

Just in case you missed it, due to editing, I discovered my husband has been chronically master-bating and viewing Internet p o r n! Yeah me!!!

If he is doing it behind your back and keeping it a secret, I understand your concern, but don't forget he is only viewing and at home in private. On the other hand perhaps he thinks if he's open about it, he'll upset you. I personally am not all for believing that men are this way and women are that way. While the numbers may prove it true in the majority of cases I still think it depends on the individual. There are women who join the army and men who become homemakers. Women who like hunting and men who like knitting. My wife loves to watch baseball and I could care less whether our so-called home team wins or not. I also believe that there are women who love **** and there are men who don't. So I don't feel I'm just speaking from a "man's" point of view. But I love my wife to the ends of the earth and am always expressing my desire for us to **** *** like in the past. I also view internet **** but I've always been open with her about it and while she doesn't love the idea, she seems to be understanding. I think if you sit down with your husband and bring up the issue calmly you and he can have a very reasonable, civilized discussion about it, assuming he is normal.

I have a pretty good understanding why your husband is doing this, I may be able to relate. I hope i can ease your mind a bit because this is my truth in my situation.

how often do you and your husband have sex? Once a week, once a month, once every three months or less?

If you dont feed the wolf, the wolf will feed himself.
My girlfriend of 5 years will not have sex with me, because she disrespects me. She feels superior to me, for many reasons, mostly because she has a job that takes 90% priority in her life besides our son who is the other 10% of her motives.

I myself have a job working for my father, and tend to make more money than her, even though its under the table she holds that over my head. Also, she lives at home with me and my parents, says im jealous because she is doing better in life than me, yet she has no where else to go and cannot afford a place on her own. There is a long story behind this, but just know this. Because she has something against me, even if its a figment of her imagination, she holds it over my head and will not hug me, look at me, talk to me out of her own will. I do everything for her, i clean her room i cook dinner for her when she gets home, i tell her how beautiful she is everyday. Yet because i am this "bad guy" she doesn't feel the need to return the favor, or any favors for that matter.

I am an attractive guy, 26 years old, I give her multiple orgasums each time we are intimate once every 3 months on average over the past 4 years since my son was born the sex just slowed down and now it has been 6 months and she has now, pretty much, decided she cannot be intimate with me because she despises me.

Maybe there is a lack of respect in your relationship, maybe you need to try to do your makeup or dress like you use too when you first met. Maybe you don't have sex with him enough.

The only solution i see here is to fill his apatite of sex (give him more sex and flirt with him), so he doesn't go to the "fast food joint" (****) to get his burger.

I am 40 (female). I am considered quite attractive. Usually have to beat men off me. I have lived the better part of my 17.5 year marriage without intimacy. Even back in his twenties he could go six months. Both pregnancies I didn't have sex for a YEAR each! I was climbing the walls. When my milk came in, he was disgusted. When we finally had sex after the baby, my milk leaked on him and he lost his erection and was grossed out. Actually the first pregnancy we did actually attempt to have sex once and he could get over my beautiful belly. I keep myself up. I am curvy in all the right places. I never go out of the house looking sloppy etc... Anyway, my husband tested low in the testosterone department about 7 years ago (at the time he was 31). So I thought we finally found the problem. NOPE! I just discovered that he has been ************ to internet **** instead of taking care of my needs. He claims he has intimacy issues - no **** Sherlock. I am incredibly hurt, angry and disgusted. So, as someone mentioned, this is a human problem. It actually exists for both genders, not just women. Now I have to decide if I want to stay in this nightmare while my husband seeks help.

I think a woman having breast milk is very hot. Leak all over me that you want. Having sex while you are pregnant is great as well. Lets get together.......loll

I'm sorry Burlesquegirl. I didn't see this earlier this month. I am puzzled about his use of internet **** and ************ if he has low testosterone. Maybe he is trying to get in the mood in private because he might feel robbed of manhood being all soft and limp in your presence.
My wife and I tried but couldn't have a child. Male infertility on my part. I eventually had a spermatic vein ligation to no avail. Adoption takes a lot of spirit and I give people all the praise in the world who adopt, but it just isn't for me. I freak out every time I hear of another expecting couple.
Your husband's getting grossed out might be low spirit on his part because as much woman you've got in you, might make him feel even less man.

Im so sorry to hear that. I know how difficult it is to live through a day where your spouse doesn't make you feel desired, wanted, loved, and liked. Best wishes to you and your spouse in fighting the **** addiction.

It is very clear that the average woman after getting married has little to no interest in intimacy. They are more interested in the security of marriage and will do whatever it takes including the pretense of being hot and horny, prior to marriage, in order to fool the man into believing that she is interested in intimacy. I have been married twice and both women were exactly the same. It should be noted that they are from different cultural backgrounds, so one cannot say that I chose women of the same kind. They are very manipulative and lacking in true love. My advice is if you are married and experiencing a loveless marriage, get out of the marriage and find someone younger and before re-marrying, ensure you learn from your previous marriage and totally vet her. Your instincts will lead you. Let wisdom be your guide, not your emotions and desires.

Ok, I am probably going to be slammed for this, but oh well. I am female, 41 years old. I am a nurse, I have children, and I am in college. I love sex. My man works incredibly hard, I rub his back, I file his nails (because I like it!!!), I cook and bake foods HE loves, and I buy sex related stuff...like chocolate syrup, whipped cream, ice cream, whatever I think up. I am extremely traditional. I give him my paycheck, he determines what it is to be used for. These things are what I have gathered from my belief systems. I am incredibly happy. The Bible says that women are to submit to their men, as well as men respecting their women. I believe that it is my job to take care of my guy in every single way. I also believe that he does the same for me. He takes excellent care of me, I take excellent care of him....it is a two way street. I believe in God, most definitely. Behind closed doors, I am a bad girl, lol. And my guy loves, loves, loves it. I think sex reduces stress and tension while increasing self esteem, confidence, etc...I sometimes do not feel like long sex episodes and that my friend is what quickies are for!

A bad girl you say? The only bad, well, next best thing to bad here, more like annoying, gullible, and primitive, is using that stupid "bible schmible" to decide how to live your life. The very word "bible" pretty much tells what it is. It is a book for those who "buy bull". Yes I know, one must respect another's religious beliefs. Too much respect. That's why the world is still a "kill in the name of...place!"

Marriage as an institution is designed to fail. The differences between men and women are too big. Men are made with this desire for women and women are beautiful and desireable but incapable to enjoy sex. It is a receipe for disaster. I think men are tortured by nature. Why? How can homosexuality be a sin in this mess?

Since the birth of our third child I'm relegated to the ba<x>sement. My wife has no interest whatsoever in sex anymore. She uses her new found Catholic faith to hide behind, in particular the believe that all sex should only be had with the possibility of creating new life. I love my kids to death but three is enough. We both don't believe in abortion, the pill is not much better, but I'd be fine with a condom, all of a sudden she isn't anymore. But it's not just that, I get no tenderness, no affection, there is no desire left in her. I help a lot around the house, I'm a hard working guy, and we're pretty well off, and I get thanks for that, but never in the form of any sexual attention at all. We've discussed it at length, I don't want a divorce, but she is not willing to do anything about it. It's eating me up inside and it's really starting to tick me off. I'm even looking for way to retaliate, and it's starting to eat away at our marriage.

Krelus.....in the Catholic faith abstinence is supposed to be a joint decision. Not one sided. Catholicism does not teach that sexual relations with your spouse is for having children only. Intimacy with your spouse is a gift from God! If she knew more about the Catholic faith she would know about NFM (natural family planning) It is a very educational seminar and she should consider asking her Priest about this. She is just using excuses and I know this because this is what my husband does. He's too tired, backache, headache, ankle hurts, knee hurts, feels sick, etc.etc.etc. I blamed myself for a long time but now know this his problem. It's not about me. But I'm the one being hurt by this. I recently discovered he occasionally watches **** and "takes care of himself" that way. He is a Catholic man but does not believe anything is wrong with this. For over a year now, I have gone thru the annulment process from a previous marriage, RCIA and now we are to have our marriage convalidated in the Church. Then and only then will I be able to finally be confirmed and receive Communion. The thought of marrying him in the Church feels like a lie to me. We have had no sex in over two years and live like friends. He is a wonderful man in every other aspect but intimacy remains elusive. I am very sad. I will not divorce again but I can honestly say that the thought of being in a sexless marriage makes me so upset! We have had many discussions about this but nothing changes. I am starting to feel resentful toward him and it's eating away at our marriage too. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone!

NO you are not alone and that is for sure for I am in the same boat <br />
Sex is dead now and only happens to keep me quite. For we got married about <br />
Fourteen years ago , for I have two children that I love so my choice is <br />
Look after myself and the kids suffer , or look after the kids and I suffer <br />
Since the kids did not ask for this the choice is look after the kids first ,<br />
I would love to talk to a woman who lives in my area (cork Ireland )not for sex <br />
But to talk to and know that the rest of the world not find out about it ..spider

Dump her....you will do 3 yrs of hard labor, and skip the life in prison.

Hi Guys<br />
<br />
I'm a 44 year old woman. I have ALWAYS been turned on by my husband, and we had great sex<br />
through out our enitre 24 year marraige.....even after kids.....until about 3 years ago. I had to have a hysterectomy (overies left in) for uterine fibroids. Well, I was very excited to have those gross things<br />
out of me, and I couldn't wait to recover, and feel better. Well, guess what? My sex drive did NOT come back, even after I felt better! They left my ovaries in, so I figured everything would be fine in 'that' area. Well, after seeing a new doctor .... a woman gynocologist..... she told me that the trauma from the surgery alone can put a woman into early menopause....and testosterone is the FIRST to go. She tested my blood, and said my estrogen levels were fine, but my testosterone levels were next to nothing. I could TOTALLY tell. For the first time ever, I had NO interest in my husband at ALL, and that wasn't like me. I was also (warning..graphic....) very 'dry' down there, which never happend before, either.<br />
<br />
Okay.....to make a long story short....I read Susanne Summers book...'Ageless'.....and It has changed my life! Tell your wives about it! She discusses 'Natural' Hormone Replacement....which are bio identical hormones, that are identical to the hormones on our own bodies. There are many doctors around the country that prescribe bioidentical hormones. (They are not yet FDA approved) I am not on estrogen, yet, but every 4 months, I get a an injection of natural Testosterone (A female dosage) into my hip. Well, let me tell ya....Im BACK! Oh boy does Hubby REALLY love me!! As a matter of fact, I'm wanting it more than he does now! I wear him out! My sex drive is UNBELIEVABLE. Even better than before...which was great!<br />
<br />
Anyway, it sounds like your wives 'could' be in early menopause, and their hormones are dipping. BUT, I will say, that....YES.....even ladies have 'Mid Life Crisis'. It's a tough time for women. Lots of things are changing. For some, the kids are leaving the nest, which can be very sad, after years of caring for them, and being extremely busy. Sudden silence, and LOTS of new time with your husband, can sometimes be an event that is very hard to take, and needs and 'adjustment' period. <br />
<br />
So, I just wanted to give you a heads up. It could be hormonal, and a little bit emotional due to kids leaving the nest, etc.... Check into hormone replacement, AND consider starting a new hobby together, or start taking more interest in HER life.... OR maybe even help around the house more.....(A HUGE aphrodisiac for women!!)....But Bio-Identical Testosterone is DEFINITELY Worth looking into!<br />
<br />
Hope this helps

good post! but I must comment on the "help around the house" post.
Make sure your wife likes that. All women are different. I hate it when
my husband "helps around the house." It's always been my job, and if
he starts doing it, I feel it's because he thinks he HAS to, or because
I'm not keeping up, you know? It's just how I feel, whether I should or shouldn't feel that way. anyway, my point is- find out what your wife does want. don't just guess based on what "most" wives want. (hoping I didn't sound rude, sorry if I did)

I have been married for 42 years, and except for the first 3 or 4 years my wife has allowed sex only 10-15 times per year, and then it was often reluctantly and without any emotion. We now have not had sex for 8 years. She refuses all forms of intimacy. We have not kissed for at least 30 years. I have asked her many times to discuss it or go to a counselor and she has always refused. I now realize that I should have given her an ultimatum - go to conseling, discuss it, or I'm gone - and then followed through. Finally I met a lady who had a good sex life, then 7 years ago her husband suddenly stopped all sex, refused to discuss it, and refused to go to a doctor or counselor. She and I have been having an affair for the past 2 years and satisfy each other very well, and enjoy each other's company. It's really refreshing to be with a woman who enjoys sex with me. If my wife discovers the affair and wants a divorce I will go along with it.. I feel that I have pretty much wasted my life on a woman who never really cared for me, but just wanted a home, financial support, and the public image of having a successful husband. Its not her fault, its mine for putting up with it all these years.<br />
Slow Learner

I don't blame you at all. This is probably not a bad solution, really.

it's a game. Women fake liking sex, until they gain what they want. Then the switch gets thrown, it's over. Men spend years trying to figure out what the hell happened. Until they move on to another women playing the same game, and men believe its different this time, it is'nt. Game on !

I do not know what to tell you, I have lived for the last ten years without holding hands, kissing, hugging, or even just sitting close together. I was asked to move into the guest bedroom, use the guest bath, basically just live my own life separate in the same house. As for intimacy, there has been none for 10 years. I try to hold her hand, tell her she looks nice or give her a hug, but I am rejected and told things will not change until she is happy with me. I ask her to go to counciling with me, but she says that she does not need it and that I'm the problem. I have tried to do everything she says will make her happy, but nothing changes. I'm just in my forties, so maybe there is still hope.

Desire, yes!.... I have desires that i would like to share with my partner... i share my love with my mouth and little playful gestures... i'm afraid that the only desire my partner has is enjoying pleasure given by me. The hard work is shared in the bedroom... except that i'm doing all the oral work and the attention is paid to his desires... after a few years, im getting lonely..... i want play in my way! ( i enjoy him looking at my butt and stretching it while i work as hard as possible to please him(this quite pleases me :)... but my **** and gspot aren't getting any love) what do i do? thats my libido being ignored... when its shaken up, my body creates good hormones and productivity in my day... it makes me want to do more dishes and laundry for us.... what do i do with out it.... my hand is okay but doesn't get the job done, and i wont use a vibrator (don't want to stretch his lovely ***** out) if i tell him its demanding and that's not the submissive girl i want him to really work into... : ( <br />
-need help... true intimacy? is it real? this mustang has blinders on.... is this how i'm kept in my place? <br />
.........he does lick my ***** in brief intervals for 3seconds or so, rarely, before his attention is consumed. and maybe twice a year I'm spoiled with oral sex from him. is that all I deserve? I shave and clean.... i use lolli-pops for added flavor...(not that i taste bad..but sometimes girls are a little more sour.. do to different the variation in acid in our diets..if i had the money id buy pineapple juice to drink everyday...unfortunately i dont.... where is the true intimacy? i have to fight for french kisses... and believe me! I brush the **** out of my teeth now... i even started brushing with baking soda! pretty f***'n fresh! i must say... why no love!?! <br />
I want credit where credit is due!<br />
i don't feel it is fair for me to quite giving him head to try to get more for myself. i enjoy giving head.... or maybe its that i am a an appeasing person.... i just wish he wanted to appease me more than twice a year....<br />
-The girl having a pitty party for 1... who had better get back to cleaning the house..no high heels for this work wench.... would you like to join me?<br />
Thank god for music... helps with comforting me and makes houswork go by faster and funner!<br />
:)

As sad and painful as this situation is, I have to say... there's something oddly comforting in the idea that it's so common. It makes you think that someone, someday might figure out the solution. <br />
<br />
What I'm hearing from all of you -- male and female -- is the desperation of lost intimacy and the loneliness that entails. Some are getting divorced, some are sticking it out. For lack of a better answer, who knows which is the right alternative? Certainly not me. <br />
<br />
Bear with me a sec and I'll tell you a little about my marriage...<br />
<br />
I'm almost always convinced I married the right woman. Or at least, a good woman. She works hard to take care of all of us, she has great creative talents, she's smart, she's attractive, and she can -- sometimes -- be surprisingly bold and willing to keep life interesting in the paths she chooses. What's more, I know she loves our children fiercely. <br />
<br />
When we first got together, we also had sex often. At least daily if not more. And we almost always had good times together, traveled well together, etc. She exposed me to knew things, got along well with my friends, etc. <br />
<br />
Now we've been married about 10 years. We have two great children, which we wouldn't have if she hadn't pushed for us to get started. And I'm eternally grateful that she did. Our children are hands down the best thing that's ever happened to me, to us, and I believe -- like every proud parent -- to the world. In the small moments, they make us tired and frustrated sometimes. In the grand scheme, they're wonderful. I adore them. <br />
<br />
But yes, our sex life too is... well... I can't say dead, but it's close to it. We're down to once a month at best. Right now, we're about a six weeks from our last liaison. And about half the time when we do have sex, it's either rushed or strangely awkward. My wife seems to like to just get it over with, which says to me that (a) I'm not good at giving her what she wants and (b) she's just not that into it anyway. She once even talked about it as a "duty." I damn near got out of bed to go sleep on the couch. The idea of our passion devolving to such a level made me physically sick. <br />
<br />
Sometimes it seems like we'll get it back on track. When we were trying to have children, of course, the sex was constant and it was passionate. But that ended the day(s) she got pregnant. And now that's all behind us. She just doesn't seem to have an interest. But then, I know that I've made mistakes making assumptions about her emotions often in the past, so I don't know. It's a topic we can't safely bring up, because it makes her feel guilty or upset or whatever. <br />
<br />
I know she wishes it was different. But she's not sure herself what "different" would be. More desire? Less desire but me being okay with that? Some other untangling of emotional complexities that would reopen those doors to intimacy? It all seems like a puzzle that's not easy to put together. <br />
<br />
One thing I know for sure is that she's full of resentment. That seems common in marriages too, but it's also a personality quirk of my wife. Everybody seems to have done or do her wrong at some point. She's angry. A lot. And from what I can tell, she always has been, except for perhaps that brief period where she was charming enough for us to come together. I feel terrible saying that, but it's true. As much as I desperately wish I could fix our sex life and intimacy issues, I equally wish I could heal her of her resentment. But I haven't a clue where to begin. <br />
<br />
You'll tell me, perhaps, that I need to listen more, be less argumentative, help our more around the house, and so on. And you'd probably be right, because what relationship couldn't benefit from more of that? That said, I kick in quite a bit... I work hard and make a very good living, I spend most of my free time with the kids, I took on and still take on half if not most of the middle of the night kid moments, I try to help out around the house (though admittedly, she dominates in that area). <br />
<br />
My favorite times are family times, with the four of us together. And she well knows that and would say the same. Yet, there it is. The resentment issues. The intimacy issues. No doubt they're connected. But it's more than I can seem to figure out, which is what brought me here in the first place. I'm so overwhelmed by it, my work is suffering... my sleep is suffering... I'm edgy a lot of the time... and maybe I'm starting to build some resentment myself. <br />
<br />
But here's the thing... <br />
<br />
Even as I say all this and as I read what all of your are saying above, I have a few key realizations. <br />
<br />
First, that I don't want to leave her OR the kids. Not at all. Our relationship is about so much more than the sex. And yes, I'd probably stick it out to the end even if we never fix that aspect of us. <br />
<br />
Second, the thing that CANNOT be either denied or ignored is the mutual accountability. While I don't know exactly what aspect of all this is my doing and what's hers, I do know that both of us are pla<x>yers in the same game. And just as importantly, I realize that until we STOP pointing fingers and agree to take things on mutually -- not easy, I understand -- nothing will get better. The mere act of saying "she won't do this..." or "she won't do that..." is an obstacle not an observation, even if there's some truth in it. Likewise, I think it can't help but be a step toward healing to feel like we're both on the hook to fix this. Even if only one of us, for the moment, is feeling that way. <br />
<br />
Third, the fact that there are so many of us with the same issues suggests that it's not only common but perhaps not insurmountable? I mean, after all, sure there are examples of couples who have crashed and burned. But aren't there millions... billions... of couples that didn't? And yet, if the experiences represented on these forums is any indication (and it seems to be), many if not most couples have dealt with this very same issue. <br />
<br />
Anyway, I'm just saying... i know what it is to feel desperate... but throwing in the towel, to me anyway, seems premature. And maybe not the solution it seems to be, prior to actually doing it. <br />
<br />
If we do this right, we've got another 40 to 50 years left together. I think I've pretty much decided (who am I kidding, of COURSE I've decided) that I'd like to take a shot at making it work regardless. Uncertainty is no fun, sure. But sometimes, that's how the best things get started... eh?

As sad and painful as this situation is, I have to say... there's something oddly comforting in the idea that it's so common. It makes you think that someone, someday might figure out the solution. <br />
<br />
What I'm hearing from all of you -- male and female -- is the desperation of lost intimacy and the loneliness that entails. Some are getting divorced, some are sticking it out. For lack of a better answer, who knows which is the right alternative? Certainly not me. <br />
<br />
Bear with me a sec and I'll tell you a little about my marriage...<br />
<br />
I'm almost always convinced I married the right woman. Or at least, a good woman. She works hard to take care of all of us, she has great creative talents, she's smart, she's attractive, and she can -- sometimes -- be surprisingly bold and willing to keep life interesting in the paths she chooses. What's more, I know she loves our children fiercely. <br />
<br />
When we first got together, we also had sex often. At least daily if not more. And we almost always had good times together, traveled well together, etc. She exposed me to knew things, got along well with my friends, etc. <br />
<br />
Now we've been married about 10 years. We have two great children, which we wouldn't have if she hadn't pushed for us to get started. And I'm eternally grateful that she did. Our children are hands down the best thing that's ever happened to me, to us, and I believe -- like every proud parent -- to the world. In the small moments, they make us tired and frustrated sometimes. In the grand scheme, they're wonderful. I adore them. <br />
<br />
But yes, our sex life too is... well... I can't say dead, but it's close to it. We're down to once a month at best. Right now, we're about a six weeks from our last liaison. And about half the time when we do have sex, it's either rushed or strangely awkward. My wife seems to like to just get it over with, which says to me that (a) I'm not good at giving her what she wants and (b) she's just not that into it anyway. She once even talked about it as a "duty." I damn near got out of bed to go sleep on the couch. The idea of our passion devolving to such a level made me physically sick. <br />
<br />
Sometimes it seems like we'll get it back on track. When we were trying to have children, of course, the sex was constant and it was passionate. But that ended the day(s) she got pregnant. And now that's all behind us. She just doesn't seem to have an interest. But then, I know that I've made mistakes making assumptions about her emotions often in the past, so I don't know. It's a topic we can't safely bring up, because it makes her feel guilty or upset or whatever. <br />
<br />
I know she wishes it was different. But she's not sure herself what "different" would be. More desire? Less desire but me being okay with that? Some other untangling of emotional complexities that would reopen those doors to intimacy? It all seems like a puzzle that's not easy to put together. <br />
<br />
One thing I know for sure is that she's full of resentment. That seems common in marriages too, but it's also a personality quirk of my wife. Everybody seems to have done or do her wrong at some point. She's angry. A lot. And from what I can tell, she always has been, except for perhaps that brief period where she was charming enough for us to come together. I feel terrible saying that, but it's true. As much as I desperately wish I could fix our sex life and intimacy issues, I equally wish I could heal her of her resentment. But I haven't a clue where to begin. <br />
<br />
You'll tell me, perhaps, that I need to listen more, be less argumentative, help our more around the house, and so on. And you'd probably be right, because what relationship couldn't benefit from more of that? That said, I kick in quite a bit... I work hard and make a very good living, I spend most of my free time with the kids, I took on and still take on half if not most of the middle of the night kid moments, I try to help out around the house (though admittedly, she dominates in that area). <br />
<br />
My favorite times are family times, with the four of us together. And she well knows that and would say the same. Yet, there it is. The resentment issues. The intimacy issues. No doubt they're connected. But it's more than I can seem to figure out, which is what brought me here in the first place. I'm so overwhelmed by it, my work is suffering... my sleep is suffering... I'm edgy a lot of the time... and maybe I'm starting to build some resentment myself. <br />
<br />
But here's the thing... <br />
<br />
Even as I say all this and as I read what all of your are saying above, I have a few key realizations. <br />
<br />
First, that I don't want to leave her OR the kids. Not at all. Our relationship is about so much more than the sex. And yes, I'd probably stick it out to the end even if we never fix that aspect of us. <br />
<br />
Second, the thing that CANNOT be either denied or ignored is the mutual accountability. While I don't know exactly what aspect of all this is my doing and what's hers, I do know that both of us are pla<x>yers in the same game. And just as importantly, I realize that until we STOP pointing fingers and agree to take things on mutually -- not easy, I understand -- nothing will get better. The mere act of saying "she won't do this..." or "she won't do that..." is an obstacle not an observation, even if there's some truth in it. Likewise, I think it can't help but be a step toward healing to feel like we're both on the hook to fix this. Even if only one of us, for the moment, is feeling that way. <br />
<br />
Third, the fact that there are so many of us with the same issues suggests that it's not only common but perhaps not insurmountable? I mean, after all, sure there are examples of couples who have crashed and burned. But aren't there millions... billions... of couples that didn't? And yet, if the experiences represented on these forums is any indication (and it seems to be), many if not most couples have dealt with this very same issue. <br />
<br />
Anyway, I'm just saying... i know what it is to feel desperate... but throwing in the towel, to me anyway, seems premature. And maybe not the solution it seems to be, prior to actually doing it. <br />
<br />
If we do this right, we've got another 40 to 50 years left together. I think I've pretty much decided (who am I kidding, of COURSE I've decided) that I'd like to take a shot at making it work regardless. Uncertainty is no fun, sure. But sometimes, that's how the best things get started... eh?

OK, Well here's why my Husband & I rarely have Sex, He NEVER tells me he loves me anymore, so neither do I!! He doesn't pay any attention to me (Unless it's in bed)!! Oh there are times, he'll come up & grab my breasts, from behind (God I hate that)!! It's so (just like a Man)!!He is not romantic,(except in bed), he doesn't even know I'm alive (except in bed) I miss the gentleness of when we were just Boyfriend & Girlfriend, the holding hands, the kisses on the cheek, the friendship, now there's nothing between us, we don't talk, unless it's something that must be said & he doesn't understand why I don't always want to have sex, men can be so stupid, all us girls want , is to just be loved, be loved (without) having sex (sometimes) Try it guys, just be nice be sweet, do things just because it makes her happy, pull her close in bed, tell her how much she means to you & that you couldn't live without her!! without having to have sex, she'll come around, we just want to be loved all the time not (just in bed)

My wife and I have only been married for six years. Before we got married, we both started going to church. We decided to stop with our sexual escapades and live according to God. The night we got married, I had to beg her for sex.
We got home and she would tell me things like "If you would help out and clean the kitchen I would be more likely to have sex with you." So for a month straight, I cleaned the kitchen. Results: Nothing. She then told me that if I would spend more time with her daughter.... Results: Nothing. (BTW- I kept cleaning the kitchen, and I started on the laundry). She then told me that if I lost wieght that sex would be more likely.. While I can't sit here and say that we haven't had sex, it just seems like sex is a beg and I may not get it type deal.

So I do feel for those men who have helped out around the house and get nothing back as a result. I work nights and she would tell me on friday over the phone, that if I were to come home, we would have sex, only to get home and she is yelling at her kid and is no longer in the mood. I soon learned that she only wants me when she can't have me. Tell me, Do you think that is a result of me not being nice to her?

Oh good grief! "living according to God??" I am a pretty spiritual woman. And MY experience of the Creator says that if God wanted us humans to not have sex with each other, He/She would have made us all asexual, like certain plants. HUMANS have made up these dumb rules about sex and religion. AND those dumb rules about sex and religion are part of what drives couples apart, sexually. And I do not understand this bargaining and manipulation that goes on about chores and sex.

Yes, it is true that women have naturally low libidos. However, that does not mean a marriage should be sexless. I don't get this at al

Oh I do dislike typing on this phone. :-

druidkat- he meant that they agreed to save sex until after they were married.
(living according to God)

1 More Response

I think no one is perfect and that's me included. I love my wife very much and try to do all I can to make her feel the same way towards me. The one thing that I've realized since I've been married is that men and women show affection in different ways. Men tend to like physical love and women emotional that leads to physical. Ever since having kids my wife doesn't kiss, hug, or like to have sex but or rare occasion. I just hope this is a phase of our marriage we can work through and make us stronger in the long term. I feel for everyone that's writing on here, but maybe you should think about your spouse a little too instead of just yourself.

Yeah, we're all ******* my husband just told me I was cold, callous and critical. I was trying to tell him that I just needed to be hugged sometimes. Just hugged without expectations. Just hugged, just feel his tenderness, his assurance. Every now and then I feel so lonely and just pure sex does not quench my pain. Just a hug and proximity. just a hug. Laugh if you want because I know I am cold callous and critical.

Posted by keepgoing on Nov 16th, 2010 at 12:42PM <br />
-----------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
You woudn't give your hubby any but when you're devoriced you get dates and have wild sex with them WTF. No wonder I will never marry I'll just stay single and hit it and on to the next. t's like when you women get your cherry popped, or have children You women flip out all you women need effin help bad.

OK, I've read all the comments to see where my experience falls. I see some comments saying it's not always the woman who doesn't want sex. Sure nothing is totally 100% black and white, but I think that situation is rare. The really sad thing is when a spouse for 23 years doesn't even WANT the situation to be better- how can an intelligent, sensitive and generally kind woman not realize that life will be over someday with never having the kind of intimate relationship that God intended. And when you know NOTHING will ever change, it's very depressing. She can't even stand talking about sex. Funny how it all seemed fine when we were dating- she could be fun and naughty. I agree whole heartedly with the others- once she has security it's over- she changed the week after we got married. And after fulfilling the drive to have kids, it's even worse- she has what she needs- her priorities are constantly buying more things, decorating the house, blah blah. There's an old saying that goes "men get married hoping their woman will never change, and they do. Woman get married hoping their man WILL change, and they don't". There's much truth to that.

Married 20 years. After we had two babies our sex life changed. I did go into Mom mode and it was hard to feel sexy much less sexual. I did please him regularly at first as it was a wifes duty, but never allowed myself to get pleased in return, it was just get it over with and let me get back to the kids that is what a good mom does. <br />
<br />
Now I realize I sabatoged myself, when I came back to wanting intimacy and sex again, his drive was gone. Neither one of us lost utter love for eachother, but turned into brother sister relationship. <br />
<br />
Saying this, and hindsight, makes me wish I had handled things back then differently. and I wish he had handled things differently. When I was in Mom mode, I needed help getting into sexy mode. That could have been accomplished by having him be more of a part of the family, not just working, but participating in dinner and weekend activities, spending quality time together. We never did that. Now kids are grown and I see that without being in Mom mode other feelings are coming up and coming up strong. <br />
<br />
You hear people mention women in their 40's have great sex drive, it may be hormone levels, but I think it is the responsibility off the shoulders that allows us to relax more and begin putting ourselves first again. I also think that at that point men in marriages have quit trying and have learned to let their sex life be secondary again. <br />
<br />
Both female and male are at fault. I hope the younger married readers will take some of this information to heart so that you will not be in some of these situations 20 years down the road. <br />
<br />
I am getting a divorce now, have had a few boyfriends and some wonderful sex. Looks like I found the balance, but little too late for my marriage. Sad thing, very sad, however not as sad as staying without the intimacy.

My wife talks to me on the phone like we are two kids still in college having sex all the time right up until the point that she turns the door knob to come into the house. Then she disappears to some other part of the house that I am not for the rest of the night.

i deserve better too. We want kids, so we have sex at ovulation time. I'm at an age that if I don't have kids now, I'm not going to have them, and I really want them. <br />
<br />
Other then ovulation time, i don't get a lot of sex. There's always SOMETHING that prevents it. She says stuff like: I'm tired, I have to get up early tomorrow, I didn't take a shower yet, I just got back from the gym, I'm sore. <br />
<br />
She claims to want sex, but never follows through. She'll say things like "lets make sure we make some time for each other tomorrow". .. then tomorrow comes and it's another excuse. Aside from the lack of sex, I really like my wife and we generally get along well. We don't often fight, we respect one another, but no sex. <br />
<br />
I've been thinking of having a conversation with her that would go something like:<br />
Hey, I love you, but I need more sex then I'm getting. We've discussed this dozens of times, and nothing really seems to work. What do you think about me seeing a prostitute once a week or something? <br />
<br />
I don't know if I'll actually have the nerve to say that to her, but I really want to. I didn't sign up for a sexless marriage.

i am having the same problems. I didn't create them but i have needs and thats not being selflessness. we tlaked about the lack of sex and she avoids and walks away without resolution. I feel like i am stuck of stupid. Women think we are insensitive or bastards when we stray or leave for good. i deserve better.

I thought I was the only one.... Having sex with my wife is like pulling teeth.... Getting her to touch me is a chore... she flinches when I touch her. NO PASSION at all in her kisses, just goes through the motions.... what is this a pratical joke from GOD? I am a sexual passionate and even told my wife that I would do anything to please her... but to no avail... NOTHING. She doesn't even like talking about sex.... it makes her stomach turn... Not sure why, she wasnt raped or anything, she is just not tryly interested....

My life is a living hell. I love my wife and have devoted my life to her. Her intimacy problems and physical problems have always been the issue. I love her and don't want anyone else, but her touch is cold and lacking. God help us all'.

I beleive that most women have a healthy desire for sex , but , I have just the opposite, she says she has no desire for sex anymore , I Tried for hours to get her to ******(licking, rubbing, g-spot) to no avail.<br />
<br />
hmmm should I find another who desires a full sexlife?

Let me respond to your story as a woman in a sexless marriage for 41 years. I am surprised no other women in ILIASM has responded to the comments left by the men above.<br />
<br />
Do I know what your women refuse you? Do you know why my man refuses me? It is not a matter of gender, it is a matter of DESIRE. They have either lost their desire or they have a warped sense of desire for procreation only.<br />
<br />
This is not a gender problem. This is a universal human problem, whether male or female. There are many, many women who are in the same situation as you. This is apparent by the women right here in this experience.<br />
It baffles us as much as it baffles you. No spouse, whether husband or wife, has a "right" to control the sexual frequency between each other. Intimacy is a gift to be enjoyed, not to be used as a weapon. <br />
<br />
MEN and WOMEN are both equally guilty of treating their spouses with disrespect and not abiding for the vows they took when married. A Monseigneur in a Catholic Church told me that when one spouse or the other, refuses sexual intercourse that the marriage vows have been BROKEN. Accordingly, my marriage vows were broken many moons ago and I held on hoping and praying that the tide would turn and he would want and desire me.<br />
<br />
When he turned 60 he decided it was safe for him to completely refuse to engage in sex. After all, he was an older man and had trouble getting it up.. I had to understand that just happens .. Well, I didn't understand and I researched and I pleaded that he see a specialist, which he finally did. He received ED meds and a simple blood test showed that his testosterone levels were low and he was given a cream to rub into his arms, which he did every day ...to no avail. When he took his magic erection pill it was horrible. He had no desire for me but needed to get rid of his erection so it became mechanical and I said "uncle" no more. He admitted he had no desire and just wanted to go to sleep. <br />
<br />
I have a sexual drive and my GYN said I have very healthy hormones. My choices are to either stay or leave because nothing is going to change. He never was very sexual and not he is just non-sexual. We sleep in separate beds for a couple of months now which is no different from sleeping together. I use to lay in my little area, never crossing that imaginary line in the middle of the bed. If I would try to snuggle he would move,,, if I touched him he would shift away from me.. He admitted he is annoyed by the touch of my hand. I have asked for a divorce and he didn't want one. Why would I want to spend anymore time in this marriage? I don't and Isay no more... I need a man who needs a woman. As you guys need a woman who needs a man.

kmahn, Some women are like that.. but so are some men. I'm sorry if you have not met women who feel that a healthy sex life is it's own reward, but rest assured they do exist! Take heart and go and get one.

I appreciate the comments from all of you. My wife & I have been married also 38 years. We love each other with all of our hearts. She has had a full hystroectomy, now no libdo, I have ED problems. I continue to believe there is hope for all of us.

I'm in the same boat. The main thing I want to say is that I am really tired of seeing all over the internet how it is always the mans fault. "Maybe you need to listen" or maybe "you need to be more understanding". I'm so tired of 90% of the crappy advice. I believe we are intelligent enough to know just how "understanding" we have been and how much we have listened. The truth is right there, you said it. Once there was security there was no more need for sex for her. You've been tricked. Thats what women do. Sure she wants kids too. And she will have sex with you then too. As long as she gets what she wants. See the pattern. Women use sex as a tool and a weapon. Just like they use children. Men use it to communicate love and trust. Then they try to tell you the opposite and THEN try to convince you its all your fault. Grab your balls and be a man and please DONT GET FOOLED AGAIN!!! GOOD LUCK!!!

Thanks for the information. I work in healthcare and suggested a lab test for hormone deficiency. I think I am lucky to have all my appendages. At this point, she doesn't care for me at all. She has no bond and acts like she would be happier if I died. Sometimes the best revenge is living long. I am here because of my children. They need a father.

Well I know that you are not by yourself, you could have written my story with a few variations. I have come to the conclusion that, hot (even medium warm), sexy women are really few and far between. But what is nice to know is that I am not alone with a cold wife. I have been married for 42 years so I will stay married. Even though the love and affection and sex may not be there there is still a bond, I just have to work really hard at it. I know that part of my wife's problem is metabolic and you might suggest a good physical and lab work to your wife -- if you dare.

I think that is quite common.<br />
My wife soon lost interest in sex once we were married.<br />
She had got the security she had wanted.