Lonely Husband.

I live in a similar marriage. My wife and I used to have sex quite often. Now I only have sex with myself. I have arranged my schedule so I can be only with my computer. I still love my wife, but have no intimacy with her at all. I still try, but over the last year, pretty much gave up hope. I am quick to anger and have no sympathy for her. Basically, we are roomates with kids. On average we kiss only once every few days. I have a wife, blonde, blue eyes, pretty, been married for 16 years but am very lonely.

36-40, M
16 Responses Oct 23, 2009

I fill your pain, I've been married 23yrs. We haven't kissed in over six months and sex, well it's been a minimum of two yrs. it's a lonely life. If I would of none this was my life then I would have stayed single. I had more conpanmenship when I was single that's sad. the other thing she has had a affair on me once that I know 100% of . But I still loved her and wanted to make it work.so I've stuck around, But being by myself is getting to be more work then I can deal with. I would never have affair myself, cause when I said I do I ment it, till death do we part. I just wished she felt as I do, but I guess I was to far in the clouds. I fill like such a loser.

We have much in common. (I've suffered through 15+ years of agonizing involuntary celibacy.) Wish I could offer advice, but I'm also lost--so I'll just send my best wishes and prayers your way. I'm actually Jewish, but I trust you'll be OK with I say, God Bless You--and to paraphrase/reinterpret Isaiah--may the wings of eagles allow you to soar above the sorrow!

I stumbled across this site by accident and found it sounded so familiar. We all struggle. The Bible says: "There hath no temptation (ie trial, trouble, difficulty, struggle etc.) taken you but what is common to man" (1 Corinthians 10:13) This means our problems may be different in some ways but they are fundementally the same and everyone goes through them. So, if everyone goes through stuff like this then perhaps your mate is in someways, although different, going through stuff too. I wonder how many of you have taken the time or made this much effort to express how you're feeling sometimes? Or to find out why they seem so far away or behave in this way that displeases or hurts you? It saved my rough and tumble marriage and I have never loved her more. Forget about yourself for awhile and take the time to find them again. It may be your only hope: to help them...took me 8 years.

Yes I understand. However my wife is the angry one.. Not only no sex but no words of love or affection. I am. always getting criticized.

.. She has gained weight and this also make it hard to have the sex and lover that should be in a marriage.. I am a strong Christian and I know Jesus cares. I will be praying for you
It be a long time since I have be loved.. Sometimes I hurt so much i think of having a affair
But that would be also wrong.. So I guess I well deal with the lack of love and being lonely
With god grace.. Thanks the place to vent.. 1 corinatins 13 .... Greatest is love.
I do love my wife and family... John lonely in Indiana.
Not interested in the gay stuff... Jesus never fails..

I need someone's outlook, I share everything with my husband every topic no matter what. I was married prior to my current husband I have two boys 17 and 20. My husband has a daughter from a past relationship. When it comes to my kids he is always told about anything going on in there lives. But if it has to do with his family it's like everything is a big secret he don't talk about it just gives me a blow by blow description of what's going on. It makes me upset because he is so secretive about a lot. Then he don't understand why I get upset.

I'm a female my husband sounds like your wives. When we first met sex was great. Now it's like once in a great while. I will admit my sex drive is high and I do want it all the time, and he use to be able to satisfy but now even when he does want sex it's different it's more for his satisfaction, I don't understand why people change so much what it took to get each other is what it takes to keep each other. I hear so many men say women never want sex and I say I don't get that because its so the opposite for me. I can only wish sex was a priority for my husband.

When I Was 32 And Single I Met A Woman Who Was Married, But Was Rarely Having Any Sex With Her Man. We Got Together And Had Sex Six Times In One Night. I Felt Bad Afterwards, But Obviously Not Too Bad Because We Dated For A Year. She Was Always Seeing Me On The Side And We Would Have Amazing Sex. Eventually Though, I Guess I Grew Tired Of Being The "Other Guy" And I Met The Woman Who Would Become My Wife. I Told The Married Woman I Was Seeing That I Met Someone Else And Wanted To Move On And That She Go To Her Husband And Try To Work Things Out. She Got Mad And Left And I Haven't Seen Her Since Then. Anyway, After My Experience With Her I Vowed To Never Have A Marriage Like That. I Got Married And Our Sex Was Always Great Until Recently. We Have A Little Boy Who Is Afraid To Sleep In His Own Bed At Nights And Always Wants To Sleep With Us And To Top It Off My Wife Got A Job Working Nights. I Work Days So You Can See Where This Is Going. On My Days Off I Will Get Our Little Boy Off To Preschool And Quickly Get Naked Afterwards To Join My Wife In Bed And Hopefully Have Sex With Her Before She Goes To Sleep, But she's Often Already Asleep By The Time I Lay Down With Her And I'm Laying There Naked And Hard And Just ********** Instead. I Hate This And Have Begged Her To Quit Her Job, But She Won't Do It Because We Need The Money. I Don't Know How Much More Of This I Can Take.


Before marriage our intimacy was wonderful. I thought I died and went to heaven. Shortly after we said I do she said I don't and intimacy and sex no longer are a part of my life. At times I wish I would have stayed single and we could have just stayed good loving friends. I love my wife very much. I just will no longer live the life of a monk. I use to want to live life to the fullest. Now if I get the chance i work lotsa over time just so I don't have to go home and be treated like a distant friend. Sounds sick but this IS how I am now feeling.

I have been married for eighteen years and have always been there for my wife and my family. After the kids came along, sex became less frequent, demands on time became greater and the chance for sex was catch as catch can. I could not begin to count the number of times that my wife would say tonight, only to be greeted by an excuse, or a sleeping wife. After a while, I just stopped trying. Recently I found that my wife has found the time, energy and desire to have an affair. Oh her reason, I did not make her feel attractive.

That is horrible. I am sorry to hear that...but of course the affair is all your fault. Women are deceitful, evil, cunning creatures we can not live without.

I feel your pain,I too am in the same situation. I recently had prostate surgery and my wife wants me to heal, which i understand but she has no desire to even touch? I woke at 4:30 this morning and just wanted to feel her near me, when i reached out and touched her she said why are you waking me up! If the shoe were on the other foot, we as men are supposed to hug and comfort them! Why is it we can only receive the same treatment if we turn to some outside source for attention? Then we are labeled Unfaithful,selfish etc...Talk about Equal rights..I to love my computer but it can only satisfy my quest for knowledge ,really does not work when i just want to feel a human touch!

Ihave been married 5 years ,now no sex for 3 years ,who knows how a womans brain works ,they are wired up differant to men , she is tall no kids and dresses sexy ,but hates sex ,with me anyway ,i feel like sex with othe people ,i love her but she aint interested in my hot body .i need sex

So sorry to read this. I just found this site and wish I'd found it earlier.
Pls pray. God answers prayers. Be patient. See what The Lord will do. Pray that God touches her heart. She doesn't understand what she's doing. Please don't give up.
Pray for your marriage so that the enemy doesn't hijack it.

Wow feel like I wrote these stories. Married 15 years my wife is very distant when it comes to making love, not interested. It was never this way about 3 years ago she became uninterested. As someone mentioned we are roommates with kids.

Divorce??? Why stay in that environment? Don't stay miserable. Offer counseling. If she refuses, leave. Why stay? Talk to her. That's what women want anyway. I am female, 41 years old. I love sex. I believe in the traditional way of living, biblical if that makes more sense. My guy works so hard to take care of all of us. I rub his back, fill the tub with warm water and oil, let him soak for awhile, and again, I love sex. I know men want and need sex more than most women, that's okay. I've never ever told him no. Quickies are perfect for him when I do not want a long love session. Please, consider your options. Don't stay miserable. My guy was married for 20 some years to a woman who wouldn't even let him touch her vaginal area! That's ridiculous! There's nothing wrong with using what our bodies give us! Here's an idea, I go to salons for brazilian waxing, in other words, they wax all the hair off down there...it is silky smooth and you will love it. Please...try this...go get her a gift card for a wax and a massage....have her do the wax and then the massage....treat her to a day full of stuff that you are going to benefit from....try it! My point is that you have to either try to fix the situation or leave.

You sound to good to br true not saying your not but wow i am so jelous of ur man if i could get that type of attention

I guess it depends on the relationship? I still do the same things, I always have. Men need to be allowed to feel like men!!

I can relate to your situation.

Married 20 years. Husband had brain injury (he is okay, can walk and talk and do things( like fix cars, build things, go to music festivals), and then a few years later developed hep c and went through two rounds of treatment to no avail. (he is okay, can walk and talk and do things like fix cars, build things, go to music festivals). <br />
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We have not had sex in years and I left about six months ago. The year before I left I tried everything to get us back to some sort of intimacy as husband and wife. I understand he gets tired and needs to rest more than other people, but even when he was having good days I would try to initiate some form of touching. He has an impotance problem, prob due to meds, but he does have fingers and there are other ways to take care of a woman to ******. Like I said I tried everything, even blantantly pulling his hand onto me. He was so disinterested, I had to move his hand and fingers myself. <br />
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Counseling, self help books, hep c support groups. Nothing worked. now that we have been separated it is apparent divorce is imminenet. He is now upset and angry, loves me doesnt want to lose me. cant believe I am abandoning him. <br />
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My point to this post is that I left with no regrets of trying everything, No stone was unturned. I am not some big horny girl needing it all the time, but it is seriously insulting not to even have your needs recognized. <br />
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Its a hard road to go, but I think most people posting here are not in a sexless marriage, but in an intimatless marriage and that is no way to live.

Hi Keepgoing. I do empathise with you, having cared for my wife since her brain haemorrhage 11 years ago. Trouble is that people with brain injury seem to see the world differently, in what way somewhat depends on the brain injury. She still loves me but has no interest in even touching. Best wishes.

There's a lot of us out there, who have had some brain injury, and then a lot just changes. I suffer from epilepsy (20 years now). Nine years after our marriage I experienced a seizure and injured myself in the fall. It almost took my life and brought some psychological challenges. One of the major ones was the 'psycho-social disorder'. To cut it short, I didn't have any desire to have sex, and a lot more. This lasted about 2...3 years. , and now I have pretty much overcome all challenges.
One thing which has changed is the relationship with my wife. I know I was distant ... in the period after the incident. We have almost become strangers & act more or less like average friends. I know my psyche was not OK, and whatever. But now, I just miss my wife so much, not only physically (sex, ...) .
As a result of the fact that we distanced from each other and everything I experienced, I started studying and reading up on what all has happened to me. Now I work with an organisation (LEAGUE against epilepsy) and also run a support group.
But from my point of view, from what I experienced and all what I have witnessed. It's the spouses of these people who need support, who need to listen, to understand, to forgive.

Since a tumor removal on July 31 2001, It was on the top of my husbands Brain stem, it had caused a condition called hydrocephallus and leading up to the day he collapsed on the job he became ever harder to deal with. His left foot dragged, the headaches where horrible and ever5yone thought e had been crying the last seven months. It was the pressure in his scull forcing cerebral spinal fluid out around his eyes, There were so many arguments leading up to this surgery between me, my husband and my father in law about social and moral responsibility and rights. When my husband came home from the navy 16 years before he came home with the hope of having vacations, days in the sun on a golf course a life of sex and love, now he was not constantly under water on submarines He got out after requesting a special admirals mast when he seemed to be the only one going on back to back patrols and fulfilling the needs of the navy.
When he arrived home I was told he needed to be controlled and kept from using his seniority for at least the first two years of his return he was not to be allowed the Use of the seniority he had accrued under his UAW contract, He was coming home with now 9 years more than 60 percent of the work force His father had friends with sons and daughter as well as Neices and Nephews that had just hired in in the last to years after the attrition of the last five years recession and even though they did not even have the seniority my hu8sband did when he went on his Military leave they were angry he could come back and not start back with day one seniority.
So his father told me that we had to keep my husband off balance from the second he came home or he would disrupt the lives of everyone, at the time I was drugged to the max, With seriquell, xanix, mellarill and lithium. I was handed some kind of sleeping powder to take by the doctors, after I had become Bi Polar Effective and Phscizo Effective a year and a half before, The navy never informed my husband I was ill. So his father started keeping my tired sick husband off balance before he was home even an hour. it was something we should have seen would not work in the end with my husband, He did not get the same greeting other sailors received from their wives and girl friends even after a three month deployment. My husband after processing out and getting the things loaded to be moved I had left in a storage shed. first was bumped off the flight home by somebody going to the 500 and the next flight was in four days, so he made the airlines pay for a rental one way home, as a compromise to not cause trouble about traveling under military orders he was still in till that Friday at midnight just considered on liberty. He bought 2 thermoses and filled them with his addiction and drove the sixteen hour drive home. He was met at the door of his fathers home with a note to take the sofa, and leave me alone. His fathers and his fathers friends campaign started 45 minutes later.
When I heard his father get up and yank my husband off the sofa telling him to get in and reinstate on his job, His father had not figured on my husbands brother who had sliped my husband a copy of the New contract. which said my husband could take 30 days from the effective date of discharge the Friday next this was Tuesday the 1st of June 1985, my husband informed his father he was not going back until the end of the month. And the roof came off his fathers house by both of them.
I heard his mother go out and beg my husband to please just do as his father wanted there would be vacations and other days he could spend with me after all there's always tomorrow is how she put it, she said please don't cause a murder the first day home, She also said I don't see them starting you back until next week any way. My husband dressed in his salt and peppers, ribbons, awards and patrol pin. with his father yelling didn't he have something else to wear. My husband had not been out of uniform since we married, And I saw the reason why he wore it the next day. He took his discharge and went back, filled the paper work out to reinstate, the tax forms, his Physical which he nearly failed because of his blood pressure being up because he was angry. They then put him back on second shift, that evening making him borrow coveralls for his uniform.
He was met after a twelve hour shift with the same note. Then his father again woke him up 45 minutes latter screaming to hit the bricks and find a place to live. This time his mother burst into the room telling me to come help prevent a murder. My first sight of my husband was a red bearded man 75 pounds lighter than he was three and a half years before, pinning his father against the cieling screaming he had just bite into his last nerve. Nothing hasd wo0rked out the way he had planed for the last three years and seven months and by god he was going to say something now
. He was yelling at his father I told you years ago that you had nothing to say to me in my life any longer, He said I was just coming here to pick my wife up and have the honey moon we never had, take a little time to decompress. Find a home and set it up, but no his father and his friends in the community were getting into his life before even having the chance to get his bearing, His father could not breath were he was pinned and was turning blue, his last words were to keep out of his way or else as he saw me and dropped his father straight to the floor, I think that morning scared everyone to the point we never knew how to make a deal with my husband.
The next day my blackmail started. He had been handed a guardianship on me that day by the state because of my mental illness. We had picked a house and at work he put in his shift preference to days. It happened to be a young 19 year old pretty blond with six months seniority he was bumping. Her mother worked in the same place as his father, and her father was an area manager in the plant my husband worked in. When we went back to drop me off before my husband went to work that Thursday his father, the blond and her mother, were at the table, the blond crying her eyes out over being sent to second shift, she cried it was a death blow to a social life which she had a very active one. I understood her problem but my husband did not even show he cared a thing for her plight. So I told my husband that for the next two years we cold not share a bed. to make sure he was not going to disrupt the lives of others. Let things settle after his return, He grabbed the keys to the house we chose that morning, Went to the Garage and grabbed his old Alice pack from the army and yelled I was a mercenary b**** . and left me standing there crying, His father said I had done the right thing for every ones good.
I have continued to choose the side of people that it was felt needed the time my husband had rights to the next 31 years, In 2001 after that brain surgery he decided that even if people had to die he was no longer going to accept my blackmail, Over a job bid on November the 5th 200. We had spent 2 weeks trying to back my husband off taking it. He cared less it was a county commissioners son he was going to defy as well as his father and the commissioner and others, I had even gone to my husband on my knees begging him to just back off the job it was stepping on to many toes, I said just back off this last time and I would normalize our sex life, show him the greatest sex he would ever experience with any one. even get him included on the vacation trips, get him so his father and others left him alone over holidays and weekends he wanted off. I offered everything he wanted including the next time he decided to get off second shift. Knowing that I did not have a leg to ever get his cooperation again. I was told to die, preferably stepping in front of a semi, so he could find a real wife, namely my best friend who had told me that if my husband was not married she would take my husband and run with him. They were not in an affair but I knew if my husband was free she would have.
MY husband told me he was tired of his fathers tryany, his interference in his life, he was really tired of my being the community girlfriend and tramp while he received nothing out of a marriage the state trapped him in, his father was shocked at his refusal then found himself laying in the yard as my husband left for work telling him he was to get out of our life, I was again crying like I had done after my husbands other refusals to be reasonable, even the vacation of 1987 when he sent me home to my mothers with the intent to divorce me over me not keeping my word. It was over me making the promise that any where, any way and any time he wanted a vacation I would go as a willing sex partner after I had begged him to cancel his planes to go to Rome to let the same girl from two years before go and marry her fiancé there.
I was a matron of honor, and we had talked between everyone of the best time my husband could take a vacation to stay out of every ones way was in seven months, beginning of January to mid February, he was intending to go the second we flew in to Yosemite and until 2001 he was under court order to work all hours offered the twelve years between 1989 when the court turned down his petition for divorce because of the guardianship and 2001 until the day my husband put his hands out and told a deputy that he could go ahead and jail him, he would love the multi million dollar payout for false arrest it was over this job bid, the sheriff washed his hands of the attempt to keep my husband in line that day. THEN THE MORNING BEFORE THE BID WAS TO COME DOWN I LOCKED THE FRONT DOOR AGAINST MY HUSBAND TO GO BACK AND REMOVE HIS BID. Four men were coming up on the porch to ether escor5t him back or teach him what his place was and he would still remove his name. My husband turned our front porch into a blood bath in his refusal. The rfr5ont door landed on me with him standing on it telling me he would kill me if I ever tried getting him hurt again and when his father arrived crying about the harm he did over a job my husband delivered a pinch in front of the police putting his father on his rear in the yard with a broken nose, He parted emergency services and the police like he was Moses parting the red sea when he drove off. The four men are still undergoing surgery's from that morning in 2001 His father and others took it to mean they had a free hand in armed intimidation. Even then my husband hurt people yanking shotguns out of hands and smashing faces in with the butts. Kicking people out of cars going 45 miles an hour then after MRSA he comes home on a night I had made promises to go to an event about he decides I was boing to live up to my promises first. I tried to negotiat that evening to try7 and just talk though his grievances which were legitimate. I wanted to offer the same time period now of 1985 to see if that would work this time after his crippling by MRSA in his spine in 2009. He raped me begging and crying again to please understand things had to go the way they had. He through me the phone and said the number is 911, don't clean up the police will want a rape kit done on a tramp.
Things did go to the DA that nights event was cancelled after my still enraged husband threw his fathers best friend at his fathers windshield landing him face first in the driveway, The ADA was given my journals and my husbands logs of the last 31 years. She just about threw the book at me. Fraud by a spouse and extortion as well as conspiracy to deny civil rights.
Now on a day that means forgiving to most people, His father wanted him gone from our house before guests arrived that would feel a sense of dread at my husband being there on Christmas. He offered 4000 to go any where else. When my husband to be difficult refused I formed a plan where he could have the first Christmas meal in 33 years on his property. We now live in NE Wyoming. I made up a full dinner plate and told him to go outside and eat, if he wanted out of the cold wind eat in the pole barn. The whole plate hit me in the face, he was now enraged again telling me he would eat in his own house. His father and several otheds had contusions sprains and in the end two pistols were drawn to throw him out on the porch telling him to come back with manners in a thousand years and maybe they would let him in. Even his mother knew that was not the end. She came in to help me clean up and told me we had better get him back in fast before he decided to come back on his own she asked me where he kept his rifle. It was in a safe in the barn with the ammo. He had already decided nobody was throwing him out of his house and getting away with it. His horse Bart Jumped up on the deck and kicked the front door open. My husbands lariat looped around his fathers throat and before any one could react my husband had his Lever action 30 30 trained on everyone, One of the men that he knew had a pistol started to reach for it and he looked up to see my husbands rifle pointed right between his eyes, My husband said go ahead be stupid a .30 caliber hole in your forehead and a garage door in the back. He disarmed the four that had weapons including the women that carried. his father was in terror that his horse would take off with him being dragged behind.
I know everything came from the years before we came here, I just felt some day we could think of a way to make up for everything to my husband until MRSA, Then it turned into just keeping him out of every ones way He wants in our face now. He wants our faces red about the way he was treated he basically wants us to hurt!

I have been married for 27 years now and my wife and I have had sex about 7 times in the last 17 years. For all intense and purposes she is a good wife. There is no intimacy between us. She is more interested in the childrens problems than our personal relationship. I have tried to talk to her so very much in the past 17 years that my mind and heart are all but dead.