Is It Me?

I searched for Aspergers syndrome, and found this group.

I never knew that this was the way I acted toward my partner, I understand that perhaps I'm not romantic, perhaps I'm not spontaneous.. But I never thought that it would make her feel unloved. I love my partner with all that makes me, every tiny atom in my body is magnetised to her, she is not only my partner, she is my soulmate, my best friend, the only person who cares for me in the way i need. She is beautiful, the most intelligent girl I have ever met, she agrees with me, we like the same things, we hate the same things.

In my mid, this relationship is perfect, no one feels love like I feel it for her.

Yet I make her cry, sometimes I lash out and break things, sometimes I can't cope.. Most of the time I can't cope.
She puts up with me being on my computer all the time, she listens to allthe news articles I tell her everyday, she does almost everything for me.. And in return I physically can't show her the love in the way she needs.. It makes me sad, it feels like part of my brain just hasn't grown like everyone elses, I feel left behind.

She loves me so much, and that's what hurts the most. I don't think its fair that I am not intimate, that I cant enjoy social situations like her, that i need things the way they have to be. She accepts all of this with me, but everyday I hate myself more and more.. Im cold, im heartless, im unemotional, im a blank canvas and most of the time I can't even laugh.. This is how I am, but its not how I feel.

Sometimes my emotions are so strong, that they appear as if there's no emotion at all.

I wish that when she puts her arm on me, I wouldn't pull away, but I feel just as strong body communication by sitting next to her, as I would if I enjoyed being held.

The other day I brought her 6 big bunches of flowers, Ive never done anything like that before, so i thought she would like it. She did, and I am glad, but Im going over and over it in my head and can't see how she would like it.. But then, maybe it's just me.

I like recieving books or things I collect so maybe it's the same for flowers.

I always say to her, if i could take my core out (the part thats filled with emotions and stuff) and give it to her, she would only then understand how much I love her.

I am the worst partner in the world, but it doesn't mean I can't love.
Bestbefore Bestbefore
8 Responses Sep 10, 2012

Thank you so much for sharing! I am a NT woman seeing an aspie man, reading this has given me so much perspective and moved me to tears. I KNOW that my man loves me and would do anything for me, it's just really hard for me to FEEL that most of the time.

And I am a female version. I recently discovered Aspergers and identify positively with every trait listed and score a high probable on all web tests. Ironically I initially thought it was my husband who was the Aspie. Now I realize he might have some traits but most likely was trying to cope with me after we got married. He used to tell me that I broke his heart but I thought that was just his excuse for cheating.

See I was programmed to think a certain way (not intentionally) by what I've been exposed to. And as I am high IQ I soak up everything around me but then my subconsciously my brain sifts through the data to find patterns that can be used to create a lens that will help me interpret my environment and then I try to understand the world through that lens. What then spews out of me is not pretty if I've witnessed TV shows that honor sinful behavior or if I am around people/neighbors whose relationships have destructive sub currents. Prior to my recent realization and my new therapists who understands Aspergers I was completely paranoid about my spouse and his attempts to control and destroy me. Or so my mind thought. Armed with knowledge gleaned from various Aspergers sites I was able to recognize how twisted my perception can be and also modify my behavior.

Do I feel? Oh hell yeah. Can I be distracted from my emotions? Absolutely. I tend to feel my emotions by what is expected of me or by observing others. The biggest difficulty was/is learning what to do or how to interact once the relationship/marriage was obtained. I can easily live by myself except now I have kids that demand an interactive approach and lots of real facetime ...I used to go to restaurants, movies and dinner by myself before it was pointed out to me that it was odd. So now that both my husband and I have acknowledged these traits our relationship is much more peaceful and loving. And strangely enough over time I began to use sex as a barometer of my spouse's love for me and so I became quite fixated on sex to the point of being abusive in my demand for it. But sex does overload my brain such that I am quite foggy in the brain afterwards but then it becomes harder to function like normal in society. Yet being in that state does protect me from the outside world. So I really wanted to return to that state on a permanent basis after all my kids were born. Apparently pregnancy and infancy was so stressful that the negative traits of Aspergers became enhanced.

I could blather forever on all the various connections my brain makes which subsequently drives my behavior. The main point I'm trying to make though is that you can feel loved by your Aspie if you explore their world through their eyes for a little bit. And finally remember that Aspergers does not define who you are it just helps to explain some quirky behaviors and or lifestyles. It's a spectrum so ironically there is no definitive distinction.

Please don't say you are the worst partner in the world. You are HER partner, and that is what's important to her. If you show her what you wrote here, she will cry, probably, but she will also feel validated and LOVED. The written word can be very powerful.

Your words here have helped me a lot to see things from my sweetheart's perspective.Thank you for writing it. Please write more, you could help a lot of women understand what it's like for their partners.

You are not the worst. It's beautiful the way you expressed your love for her. Show her this. If writing makes it easier write her poems. Don't ever put yourself down your a beautiful person just show love different. She understand and is why she is there.

Thanks for sharing that.

Makes small changes. Take small steps. Buying the flowers was an huge improvement and move in the right direction. It isnt easy for you I'm sure but slowly over time perhaps you can slowly realize her side of things or understand, even if you don't agree, things from her perspective. Also though, an important thing is to explain all of this to your partner. Tell her explicitly how you feel, how you don't feel, what confuses you and what you want to see for the future. Good luck!

Every girl is different, just ask her what she likes, it seems like she is willing to express how she feels and that is good. When I really like someone, I wrote everything they like down so they wont forget. I am not a flower girl, so if a guy gives me flowers, I kind of think to myself thats pretty thoughtless lol. I would of wanted him to draw me a flower I could put up on my fridge then to buy one that will die within a week

I read an article earlier about how to save relationships that lost the spark. It's not written from Asperger perspective but you might find it helpful.<br />
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Wishing you and your partner eternal happiness.