Saving Myself

Thank you, TP. I spent the day talking with friends and they helped me come up with more questions. Then I went around the house taking pictures of every project he has started and never finished. I took pictures of the red electrical wire hanging outside the front of the house. I am a bundle of nerves though.

Thank you for the prayers, Reflections, I need them. At least our children feel comfortable and safe enough with us to be able to confide in us. I've been taking deep breaths all day today.

I went to a Safe Haven woman's shelter awhile back .. didn't stay, just talked to a social worker.

After speaking to her she said that abuse comes in all shapes and forms and hits all walks of life ... and nobody can tell when a woman is being abused ... when it is emotional and verbal .. that is the worse form of abuse because there are no outward signs,,, no scars .. just our self esteem and how we permitted our spouses to abuse us with their moods, words, threats ... once you see this clearly ... a veil is lifted ..



My children also said with your son said ... growing up with their dad ... was difficult because he criticized .. still does,,,,never gave them encouragement .. always wanted better and was removed from them emotionally ...



Sending my prayers ... you are OK .. and will be better ...

Remember to breathe .... feel the air in your lungs .. don't think .. just breathe and you will know you are alive and deserve a better life .

I am trying to stay focused between bouts of tears. This morning I was having a conversation with my son and he remarked that my H has been calmer since Easter. He said ''dad is always like that, he lets the pressure mount, then he blows. He's okay for a while then the cycle starts again''. It was eerie because I remember battered women describing their abusive partners that way.

Thank you for posting that, AC. I just watched it and it is haunting. The words are so accurate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-HdBUk3iFY />




" When there is no truth, let us end this lie tonight.

This is easy to understand, without your best fight.

But I see a new sun rising in the east



She said save me

Save YOU! "

Thank you Victor. It is draining, I've been bursting in to tears throughout the day. I just hope that I won't be setting out with a broken wing. I want to soar!

Thank you, S924, for your encouragement. I may have to move it one small hill at a time.

You have no idea what you are capable of...you are going to move mountains!

Jo,

I'm so proud of you. This decision is very difficult and emotionally draining, but you can handle it. You have so much inner strength and goodness. You have the support of your two wonderful sons. And you have the support of all of us here on EP.

Set yourself free. It's your turn to be happy. It's your time to fly. You've earned it.

Victor

TV, I hope that I can keep a clear head. Today my nerves seem to be ruling me. I will prepare a list of questions for the lawyer just in case I should forget anything while I'm there. My determination seems to come and go, but every time I hear the birds moving around in the attic it helps give it a boost.

Thank you, Coyote. Since my oldest has left home he has often told me how freeing it has been. He says that his father's moods no longer affect him as he can leave and go home whenever H is in a pissy mood. My youngest has not experienced this freedom yet so I can imagine that when he does he will see just how suffocating it was at home.

This is wonderful news J. I am so happy for you! You will free your sons by freeing yourself. This is so right!

Thank you for your advice, DryCreek. I will certainly do that.

Windy, my youngest son lives at home. If my oldest spent a few nights here H would be very suspicious and that would certainly provoke him. I don't want to do that right now.

Thank you for your comment, Italianinvegas. My H has never been physically violent towards me so if my sons were to physically throw him out of the house they would get in trouble. He is not worth getting in trouble over.

Mary, I would have to order a copy from the notary public where the contract was signed. I'm afraid that if my husband saw this it would make him suspicious. I'm sure that my lawyer could get a copy if need be.

Mrsbiggirl, my H was offered help years ago by my psychiatrist because she saw that he was probably in chronic depression. He refused all help saying that I am the one with a problem.

Thank you, Avalonleppard. I am certainly blessed to have their support.

Jo...can't you order another copy of the contract from the Vital Statistics Office?

JO you are doing the right thing, you are not in a sexless marriage you are in an abusive one (mentally) you need to get out. One of your sons should have physically removed this man from your house already. I would have.

JJ - Regarding the contract that may be in his bank deposit box... Ask your lawyer about locking bank accounts and safe deposit boxes pending a court order - to prevent a cleanout or things conveniently disappearing.

Thank you, FoP, for your support. The Easter incident really pushed me into that wall and all the other stuff since has rubbed my face in it.

It sure is, Fy!

You have finally hit the wall... it is so good to hear that you have the support of your sons...



Mine too, dear friend...

Lol-Fy! You made me laugh!!!

MmR, we are married, but here in Qc. we also sign marriage contracts. Common law spouses in Quebec have no rights no matter how long they were together. He will give me a hard time because he is selfish. He believes that everything is his. He also cares a lot about appearances. We appear to be a happy couple-he thinks.

Thank you, Chai. I'll tell the lawyer everything on Monday and see what she has to say. I've looked for that marriage contract everywhere, but I'm afraid H has it in his security box at the bank.

Jo,

Can't advise you on legal stuff because laws are different here in Ontario. I CAN advise you to try to take good care of yourself. And don't take any chances if you think there might be any physical danger - first instincts are often correct in those cases.



Sending mega-supportive thoughts and hugs your way.

Yes, the laws are different Jo. :( I know before my man came back here, he was in Tenn for two yrs or so, and he literally got a divorce, start to finish in 3 mths. No kidding. Nothing was contested of course, and nothing to split up between the two of them, since he literally left everything to her except his clothes. But still, it would have been quick.

You mentioned marriage contract, not marriage license/certificate? You mean tech you were common law all this time? Even so, I believe that after 3 yrs, you ARE considered married and that you are entitled to half his property, etc. But you are right to research, research research. Write questions down as you think of them so that you will be prepared next time you see counsel. It's worth it to know your rights, and to know EVERYTHING up front. If he's as selfish and uncaring as he is, then somehow I just don't see him giving you a hard time or contesting anything either.

He is the type of guy that guys like me can't be friends with.

I have no sympathy for men who have no respect or politeness - he seems (by your stories) to have neither.



Just pay close attention and keep yourself out of anything odd that could escalate.

I only watch once in a while so when I turned on the TV and saw what the show was about, I listened.

And you're right, the more I think back on his behaviour the more I see him as a bully.

Sorry - don't watch 'the O'.

I just get that feeling - being a guy and all. He is acting like a spoiled brat with a bad temper.

Not a good combo.

Thank you, MMR, your words are very reassuring!

VK, this morning I took the Mosaic violence assessment test that Oprah talked about last week and he scored a 6 out of 10. I used to minimize his outbursts and excuse them. Now I take them seriously.

Everything I've read of yours makes me think violence-waiting-to-happen about your H.

Just be careful. He could do something stupid in one of his hissy-fits.

Happy belated birthday bibbeeeeee. !!!!!! *hugs and more hugs*

I must ditto ditto ditto kungfuchic and Stevem7 who summed it up quite nicely. I agree for what it's worth. I am so sad for all of this Jo, BUT I completely understand you , your decision and love you have for the kids, and the love you have left for yourself. No matter what happens, know you are not alone. You have those who love you , esp the kids, and they will always be your children. No matter what, there is always someone who cares. Good luck JJ. We're here. *hugs*

I'll try, TV, but for now my mind is racing in circles and analyzing every what if's.

VK, I hope that it never comes to physical violence, but just in case I keep a can of wasp spray that we used for the wasp infestation we had in the attic last Fall.

BD, I hope that the stars are aligned. I'll know Monday when I talk to the lawyer.

LadyA, thank you for that because I sure need both right now. Both sons were greatly affected by his behaviour on Easter and both feel I should make a move.

Stevem, it all depends on what the lawyer tells me as to how quickly I will see him in my rear view mirror.

Canadian law is different from American law for divorce and Quebec law is different from all the other provinces. So I have no idea to what I am entitled. We have a marriage contract but the laws have changed since so I don't know if it is still valid. The house is paid for but in his name only. He always promised to have it put under both our names but never did.

I say to you honestly it is time to put this man in your rear view mirror JJ. He's made your life miserable and doesn't deserve anything in the way of consideration. Move on and find yourself some happiness which you are fully entitled to

JJ, I know it is inexplicable but you reach a point when all the stars align and the light shines in your mind and you can finally see the road. Do not doubt yourself and your ability to travel this road. To echo TV, be resolute and put one foot in front of the other. Step One is the hardest I know. But it will give you the momentum you need to take the rest of them, so do not stop.

Also, walk around the house with a hammer - just because.

It serves a couple of purposes:

1) you tell H you're trying to fix what is broken

2) you tell H you're fixing what you thought was fixed and is still broken

3) you tell H you're fixing to break him if he starts being an ******* again



Protection, and house cleaning all at the same time.

(hockey mask is optional)