Post

When To Call It Quits!!!

I was reading an article that was sent to me from an e mail listing.  As a lot of you know, I already got a divorce and called it quits but it was very difficult coming to that conclusion.  This article might help some of you make that choice somewhat easier..:

 


When to Move On:  Signs of a Relationship Apocalypse

You can’t stop talking about it—the “relationship.”

“Should I stay or should I go?”
“I’m too old to date.”
“Am I being too sensitive or is he really a jerk?”
“It’s not really that bad.”

Your girlfriends are ready to tie a gag around your mouth. If your co-workers are forced to overhear one more teary conversation about the big dilemma, you’re going to find Belladonna in your morning coffee. But there are no neon signs (visible to you anyway). There is no ringing alarm bell. And not many friends are willing to risk their relationship with you by sharing the brutality of the truth. So how do you know when it’s that time?
Conscious cruelty.
If you have communicated how certain things bother you (your insecurity about your cooking ability, for example) and he makes offhand remarks that he attempts to pawn off as funny and then insists you’re too sensitive when you get upset, he’s practicing conscious cruelty. This is different from you keeping your culinary anxiety to yourself and then being offended when he ribs you about your lousy meatloaf. We all say and do things unconsciously that hurt the ones we love. The first time it’s a mistake, the second time it’s a choice.
Blaming you for his behavior.
When he consistently won’t take responsibility for how he behaves, and instead, tries to put it on you, it’s time to develop an exit strategy. Even the most evolved of us find something too shameful to claim ownership of every once in a while. If it’s his norm and not the exception, and he’s not open to conversing about it, take note.
Tension in your body.
Make a conscious choice to notice how your body reacts when you know you’re going to see him. When you become aware of tightness in your throat, a pain in your stomach, or an ache above your eyebrows, acknowledge it. Have you felt these body signals before and attributed it to bad fish or a tough workout? If so, create an intention to be honest with yourself about its origin. Your body won’t ever lie to you.
Constant bickering.
Do you disagree about everything from what color towels to put in the bathroom to the kind of ketchup to buy? Being unable to settle on simple decisions is an indicator of how you’ll handle the bigger ones. Many times bickering is a way for one of you to get attention because you’re feeling neglected. If you both look honestly at the motivation, you’ll be shown whether you’re just feeling a little needy or if you really aren’t compatible.
Too much energy.
Are you spending most of your energy thinking about, analyzing and evaluating the relationship? If so, ask yourself how much work you’re willing to put into a relationship and whether or not you’re getting an acceptable return on your investment.
No more fun.
When was the last time the two of you laughed together? Being able to act silly with someone is one of the prime benefits of a relationship. If each time you say, “Honey, I need to talk to you” and the dread emanates from his face like a bad sunburn, it’s time to inject some fun. If you make several attempts to no avail, it may be time to rethink your choice in a mate.
It’s never easy to walk away from someone you love. But when you love yourself as much as you love him, you can find the strength to take care of yourself.

cstreaker cstreaker 51-55, M 7 Responses May 3, 2010

Your Response

Cancel

We are an older couple. We both have been married befor.this is the fourth time for both of us. 3 of my previous partners died. 2 with heart attacks and 1 with cancer. my now partner had been divorced 3 times because of 1was running around with an underaged girl and they were expecting a baby, 2 was a drunk and was abusive. 3 was possevive and insanely jelouse and was as glad to get out of the marriage. We have been married almost 9 years (in a few months). and we get along very well together. We don't argue (we do discuss things together). we have a solid loving relationship. we do have sex together altho it may be weeks between times. but we are so comfortable together that it is not a big thing.and when we do it is still wonderful and fulfilling.

While I agree with much of what has been said, there IS such a thing as a "comfort zone". <br />
<br />
We have been married 22 years and bicker about trivialities - sometimes days of silence even.<br />
<br />
But on separate holidays recently (as well as our own), we missed each other (including the trivial arguments.<br />
<br />
Given opportunities for a "holiday fling", both of us declined!<br />
<br />
I guess we are like an "old pair of slippers". Maybe too 'comfortable' - or perhaps frightened that nobody else would put up with our bad habits!<br />
Here's to another 22 years of marriage. That's if one of us doesn't kill the other first! (lol)<br />
PS: We got engaged after just 14 days. It MUST have been love at first sight!

Wow! I could have used this article last year - wish I had seen it, BUT, I am glad I found it now. It just reaffirms that decision I have already made to pursue a divorce. We are in a holding pattern right now due to finances so he is still living under the same roof, but we haven't been in a "relationship" worth keeping in years now!<br />
<br />
Thank you for sharing this. I hadn't read about Conscious Cruelty before but I just got done writing a story yesterday where I talk about not being able to share my vulnerabilities with my stbx husband because he would use them against me later on - that seems to be the definition of Conscious Cruelty. He has done that for YEARS, maybe even before our marriage.<br />
<br />
I could say YES to all of these things and I have even talked about several of them. Since we both agreed that we were not compatible, probably never were, the tension has definitely decreased. We don't argue nearly as much if at all - you have to care to argue, I think AND the things that bothered me the most were the issues surrounding OUR relationship. If we are getting a divorce (which we are), then discussing them becomes moot!<br />
<br />
Thanks again for sharing this!

Great post CS! Like you, I know how HARD it is to come to the conclusion that you need to move on . . . and there are always so many "but . . ." moments. Articles like this are very helpful in that people can do a mental checklist of their own relationships and see where they stand on the spectrum. I suspect most ILIASMers could tick each point sadly . . . .

My friend: Thanks for posting this. I definitely had friends that probably wanted to shove a gag in my mouth, because all I did was talk about my marriage.<br />
<br />
Yes, it's a lot of wasted energy in the end.<br />
<br />
Hugs and kisses<br />
KFC

This kind of nails it right on the head for us all. Its so true thank you for posting it.

Thanks for posting this. This really says alot.