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No Intimacy

Hi...............even though I am living in a sexless marraige I also posted this in the "my husband is bipolar" group but felt it belonged here too and who knows it could mean extra advice!!!!

.....this is a sensitive subject and I am here in the hope that just one of you may understand what I am going through or have some words of advice!!!

My husband was diagnosed with bipolar a couple of months ago he is also aspergic (diagnosed 2yrs ago). We have been together for 8 years. When we first got together we did not know about either of these conditions my husband was on anti depressants which he told me were for anxiety attacks.

At the beginning things were ok or at least they seemed so! Sex was never an issue at as we had a long distance relationship so we were only ever intimate at the weekends and it was always exciting as we hadnt seen each other for a week sometimes 2. Once we started living together it changed started to dwindle almost immediately I noticed that my husband was calling phone sex chat lines and our phone bill was increasing each month. I quickly fell pregnant with our son our sex life became almost non existent all the while my husband seeking gratification elsewhere not with people but over the phone.

It started to become apparent that he had real issues being intimate and that anything that was at arms length was fine but anything that involved seeing or touching wasnt really enjoyable. We probably had sex about once a month. I tried everything dressing in sexy dress ups wearing lovely lingerie. I always keep myself nice I am slim attractive cheeky and love dressing up and having fun but everytime I did this he told me how sexy i looked and then would continue to watch a movie!! I started to give up feeling rejected isnt nice especially when you try so hard.

My husband told me that he would like to see me with someone else or for us to have another couple. Although I was a little aprehensive I thought why not it may be quite fun and may help us perhaps this is what he needs. We had a couple come to our house and he was a bundle of nerves could not go through with anything at all. It later became obvious that he desire was to see me with another man so we did experiment a little on several occassions but I often just felt like an object an didnt really enjoy it but pretended for his sake, it really turned him on which was great but still nothing ever came of it. It didnt spice things up and it didnt produce a night of passion for me with him!

As the years have gone by he still continues to phone up chat lines mostly gay ones the more obscure the better. We have sex about once every 10 weeks if Im lucky and even then I have to tell a story of being with someone else, its like having a third person in the bed!! Its never just about us and its never passionate, its like an act!! He has said for ages "get yourself a ****buddy so you can have fun then you can tell me the stories as that will turn me on" (thats the bipolar talking)

Take the intimacy away and I have a lovely husband, funny, charming loving, very generous, he does so much for me and to help me. He has terrible mood swings too and has all the right medication for this. At times he is like having a 15 year old boy.  He just cannot fullfill this area at all and doesnt even want to try.

I am a 39 year old slim attractive woman who is very passionate just wanting to be held and caressed be lost in the throws of passion. I have the option of taking bed mate if I so choose. I am seriously considering this as I just dont think I can do this for the rest of my life its making me resent him. I am so often left feeling so sad inside and empty. When he has a meltdown he is often very abusive verbally he makes some very sharp personal insults he really goes off on one and I have to be very careful what I say. Thankfully this doesnt happen too often but when it does it takes weeks for me to heal inside I feel so bruised. It is very hard to forgive and to heal and to regain closeness when there is no physical contact to bring you back together again. I feel he is selfish fullfilling his own needs and never thinking about mine. Whenever I go out the first thing he does is reach for the phone!!

Anyone who is in a similar situation wether your the partner of someone with bipolar or you are bipolar yourself your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading
xxx
ClarissaB ClarissaB 36-40, F 11 Responses May 28, 2010

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Hi Clarissa,<br />
I'm a man and caught your site from researching phone sex. My girlfriend does phone sex and I understand your feelings. Personally, I think phone sex is an emotional affair, whether with men or women. It seems your husband likes the cuckhold scenario. It must be hard on you to love someone and seldom become intimate. My girlfriend talks to all kinds of men, mostly professional, like lawyers. <br />
She does a lot of cuckhold, sissy and panty wearing men. Mostly all closet kept. I know it's addictive and destroys relationships, which is sad. Have you ever consulted with a therapist with the concerns you described here ? For example, you have seen how phone sex evidentially led to you being with someone else. That process will accelerate given enough time... it's addictive. I believe the core issue with your husband could be intimacy with you alone. Love is a strange thing sometimes, sex is way stranger. For me sexy works every time, lingerie - heels - perfume and make up... and with the woman you are in Love. I also believe in the straight forward approach, as a man, we don't read minds well. Sitting with your husband and talking about it..even making it sexy, flirtatious and amorous. If you ever read, "Care of the Soul" by Thomas Moore, he explains intimacy to a level beyond the physical which is where you may reach your husband... use conversation, talking, complimenting and see if you can break into that realm which is unusual, unique and bonding. If you go there with him and he with you, sex, intimacy and Love will respond. I hope your life gets better.

Sounds like your hubby might be bi sexial if he is calling gay chat lines. Sounds like you have went way above and beyond to try and make him happy. try calling him on the phone since he loves the phone sex. that might spice things up for you? Maybe you can tell him your working doing phone sex part-time and make up stories of what men where asking you and that might turn him on???? I would not let the bipolar issue make you think that is the problem. If you think about it sexy one we are all bipolar and depressed, it's just a title to give one a excuse. I am alway here if you need a ear or a heart lonely one. <br />
<br />
smiles and hugs xxx

I really feel for you. How are things now?<br />
x

Clarissa,<br />
<br />
I realize I am a year and a half late responding to this. I just now came across this in my own search for answers.<br />
<br />
What you wrote in this post is an identical match, to a T, for how my relationship with my significant other is. We were long distance and had great sex during the 6 months of that. Then we moved in together and, dare I say, we have not had sex for 2.5 years. No snuggling, no cuddling, nothing. The sex you described - the fantasy talk, the other people, etc - is exactly how our sex used to be. I once asked, "Have you ever made love to a woman? Not had sex like this, but really ... made love?" I love hot sex, but there is also a definite need for two people who love one another to connect in a more real way.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that YES there is definitely someone else out there experiencing exactly what you are/were experiencing. I broke off my relationship 8 days ago because I found an eHarmony account that my SO had told me he'd cancelled a long time ago. I asked him to cancel it and he said he did. A week later (8 days ago) I went online, signed up for eHarmony, made a fake profile with what I thought were all the right key words and in the first group of matches sent to me there he was. No cancellation, alive and well online, looking for his dream girl. And the site said he had just updated his information the day before.<br />
<br />
I am in excruciating pain. Beyond any that I can describe. My brain feels like I am doing the right thing, but my heart hurts so badly. It's not even the eHarmony account that bothers me the most. What bothers me the most is that he lied. From this point forward, I could never trust him again as far as I am concerned. He is bipolar, and we have talked about that fact, but he refuses to seek treatment, so he is unmedicated.<br />
<br />
As far as I am concerned, without an aggressive treatment plan, total disclosure along the way and a whole lot of relationship therapy, I could never even look him in the face again. I still have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and it's been 8 days.<br />
<br />
Those who know about bipolar would say, "You weren't married, run for the hills, girl! Get out while you can." And frankly, I am so starved for intimacy and physical touch I don't even know what I would be getting out of it if I went back. But it sure does hurt to have lost my best friend ... Bipolar Disorder is a cruel punishment to all involved.

You might look up: "ourhotwives.org. Not for everyone but...

I truly admire your dedication to your marriage and your obvious love for your husband. I also recognise that the usual difficulties in leaving a sexless marriage are greatly magnified when your spouse has significant disabilities.<br />
<br />
But I encourage you to at least consider (and discuss with a counsellor) the proposition of leaving this marriage.<br />
<br />
As a person who suffers from depression, I have spent a lot of time in therapy groups with people with a range of mental illnesses. These are wonderful people (including me! LOL) - BUT living with them can be an impossible ask for their spouses. <br />
<br />
It may seem that you cannot leave a spouse with his issues because it would make you a "bad person" in some way, but truly, you may NEED to leave him in order to live a real life yourself.<br />
<br />
I am not urging you to leave - just to consider the possibilities. . . I hope you can find a better and happier future, whatever path you take.

Hi cumbersome,<br />
<br />
Thanks for your comment. <br />
<br />
I get your point about incorporating it into our relationship my problem is what I yearn for is this with him and not someone else. When we experimented in the past it didnt cause a problem he was in his element!! Jealousy turns him on oddly enough! But no matter what I do and what I tell him even when othes were involved it didnt make our sex life any better!!<br />
<br />
I think everyone has needs I would love nothing more than to be held and caressed by my husband for it to be spontaneous and passionate, for every time we fall out knowing that we can make up. For lazy days in bed where all you do is watch movies eat chocolate and have sex! For naughty weekends away where the kids stay with grandparents!! And for the weeks where someone is ill or you just dont feel like it cos your tired or unwell or had a stressful week. But to not have it at all is becoming crippling!! <br />
<br />
I question how guilty I would feel every day, he would know about everything and nothing would be done behind anyones back. I think I am still trying to accept that this is my reality and I am powerless to change it. When you desire someone so much and you know what it is to feel to become one in the throws of passion and you also know this is never going to be.......well as you well know its crucifying!!<br />
<br />
Thank you for your thoughts xx

Thank you very much for your comment.<br />
<br />
I have a support worker because of my husbands illnes and she is very good to talk to, we have discussed the possibility of counselling together. This isnt something he would be able to deal with well. Ive read loads on both bipolar and aspergers and I learnt early on that the aspergers causes him to with seek intimacy alone. <br />
<br />
The Bipolar on the other hand causes his promiscuity not with people in person but arranging situations and fantasies which he knows he cannot go through with, the excitement is in the planning and he creates his own little fantasy world! Part of that fantasy world is fantasising about me with other people and he loves me to tell him stories, begs me to go and do things so that I can tell him about it. <br />
<br />
It would be easy to have a lover that could fullfill my needs but would this be right? Things arent going to change and I have come to accept that. I love him and am not about to leave. I want to have this intimacy with him more than anything but the reality is this isnt ever going to happen. <br />
<br />
But....... would having a playmate be taking advantage of someone with a mental illness??<br />
<br />
When I read this back I can see why counselling would be useful, however at this moment in time I think talking it out here is just as helpful.<br />
<br />
Thanks again for your comments xx

I think you probably have already done this, but if not, read widely about Asbergers. You will see that the lack of intimacy is characteristic of this syndrome. Phone sex is a way for him to have sex WITHOUT intimacy and is therefore also part of the syndrome.<br />
<br />
The important thing is that he cannot change. It is part of who he is. Added to this, his mental illness will further complicate this already difficult situation.<br />
<br />
Have you tried counselling, either individually or as a couple? I sincerely recommend you try counselling for yourself - particularly with a counsellor who is skilled in the areas of both Asbergers and bi-polar. YOU really need help to decide how to proceed. . . . Your husband may well be content with things as they are, but this does not mean you should accept this. Your needs are valid and important too.

Thanks for your comment......it thinks its important to add that on a daily basis i am dealing with a very funny kind generous loving person.....just a person who cannot be intimate and who happens to have Bipolar/Aspergers.<br />
<br />
Life isnt a nightmare but neither is it a bowl of cherries!!! The phone calls are the really cheap ones where you are actually talking to people who want to be on the other end of the phone rather than someone thats being paid t be on the other end. <br />
<br />
Ive never been forced to do anything I dont want to and he isnt laughing about it behind my back. He just doesnt realise the how deep my needs are. <br />
<br />
Any human being can go without so much physical contact especially under special circumstances but when it becomes years of a real lack of physical passion thats pretty hard to deal with. <br />
<br />
I cant even remember the last snog I had!!! how sad is that lol !!! <br />
<br />
He adores me, we have a lovely home, he took on my elder 3 children and we had our own child. He has been very supportive in lots of other ways and we do laugh. <br />
<br />
I often think I am just being greedy in that "you cant have everything" but this yearning doesnt go away and probably never will!!<br />
<br />
I want some intimacy and wish it was with him as this is the man I love but am seriously considering finding it elsewhere because it isnt going to happen in our relationship!!<br />
<br />
Thanks everyone thats taken the time to read this and respond,<br />
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wow. That sound like he's a weirdo. My brothers girlfriend has an soon to be an ex husband that did that to her. She's pretty messed up over him doing that kind of stuff to her. Making her have three-- somes and abuisve to her mentally. And they have children too. He keeps them hostage from her. He told the courts she was crazy. She was in women shelters and living with family. Never learned how to drive a car. And her work treats her badly also just because she dont stand up for herself. I feel for you. And you shouldnt have to deal with this.<br />
Sounds like this phone sex has been going a long time. I bet if you called the phone company to block those 900 numbers you would see his true colors! And how in the hell can he afford those phone calls? He's mentally sick and I dont think you have to wait to see IF he gets better with meds. Seperation is a good start. Give yourself time to see if he really does want to get better. Otherwise you are doing the best thing by getting out before it gets any worse. If he WANTS help with his issues. He will try to get himself better. So he can get you back and make it right.