Need To Vent...any Advice?

Let me start with I'm glad I'm not alone.

I guess although we all share a common theme, there is one wrench to add to my story. My hubby was molested as a child. I don't know the complete details. He mentioned it once, and it is a subject never to be touched again. However, when we got married, he seemed to want me. It was clear that my sexual appetite was more than his, but I was willing to be with him only 1x/wk. Anyway, that soon became 1x/2wks, then 1x/month...so on and so forth. I can honestly say that the longest time we went without was 17 months (but who's counting ;0)

We have two beautiful children, that unfortunately he has used as an excuse to not do anything. Quite frankly, it seems that anything is a good reason to NOT do anything (tired, stressed, too much work, headache, "go ahead and go to bed, I'll be there later", "the kids might hear something" and the list goes on).

I've tried talking to him about it, but I must admit that the last time I tried to talk to him about it was about a year and a half ago. I felt soooo guilty after that conversation that I simply have not brought it up again. He told me that sex was NOT the most important thing in a marriage, and he couldn't believe how obsessed I was about it. His comment made me feel like a wh**re...because i WANT my HUSBAND!! We've been married 9 years now, and I do still love him. But, is it just me or is SEX more important than he wants to admit. AND, yes, this means (according to him) that I am being selfish.

I talked to him about seeking counseling. I figured that if something happened to me and I couldn't please my hubby in some way, I might seek help. He refused...says I'm being selfish for wanting this one little thing when he provides for me in evey other way and he loves me in every other way (without any physical contact). I get frustrated, angry, sad...I cry myself to sleep sometimes. The man I love is my ROOMMATE at best. I've tried different ways to get his attention, but it doesn't matter. After so many years, I must admit I quit trying after a while. It's demeaning, and I can't stand the rejection. I feel like in this house I'm a good mom, roommate, cook...but I am not a woman. I want to feel wanted!

Because I think cheating on my hubby would be like adding insult to injury (he was molested so now his wife cheats on him because of how it has affected him...) I've kinda discarded that as an option. I've thought about getting prescribed meds for depression (because it gets me down in the dumps but also because I know that these can decrease libido. So if my sex drive plumits, I won't feel that I'm missing out on anything, and I won't pressure him. I've also occasionally indulged in eating...after all I should be able to enjoy something, but also because if I don't look as good, then there is no risk of anyone else paying attention to me and then no risk of me cheating. NO, I'm not very heavy, but it does scare me to look good...I know this is all sooo twisted.

I don't think my situation will change any time soon, and I don't know how long I'll be able to stay in this situation...maybe 'til love runs out or I go crazy.

I'm open to any advice. Thanks for letting me vent.
needmorelovin needmorelovin
31-35, F
8 Responses Jul 9, 2010

I doubt that his abuser's death will change anything. If he's not in constant contact with the abuser, then the abuser's death won't really effect anything in his life. Maybe marginal relief that there won't be any more victims, but I don't see that making him do a 180.<br />
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I'm sorry that he won't get help. For him and for you. I can't really give you any advice that Enna did not. So, welcome to the forum no one wants to be part of.

Sad...yup. This is not something anyone talks about. I think I read somewhere that it's like a drug addiction that nobody addresses. The difference is that most people around the drug addict (not just the family) pick up on cues and can figure out something is wrong. Here, I don't know that anyone suspects that there's something wrong. We get along; we chit chat; we laugh at stuff; we pretend that everything is normal for everyone else; after all "it's nobody else's business."<br />
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It definitely feels lonely...glad to have found this forum.

My husband is my 'room-mate' as well. This began about 2 years ago and now besides me being his room-mate; I<br />
I've also become his personal chef, cleaning lady, mother, therapist, and every other label under the sun other than wife. You are not alone but doesn't it just feel like you are.

Enna...your response brought tears to my eyes. The times I've brought up the issue, the response is always the same...I'm selfish, and I've heard it so many times that I started to believe it. Your posting, among others, is helping me realize that wanting to be with him is actually OK. I will be reading others' comments/discussions, etc.<br />
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I can't believe it took me nine years to find this forum...nine years to figure out that I'm not the only one out there...nine years to realize I can actually have some support on this matter. I breathe a sigh of relief for now...

I have much sympathy for anyone who has been molested and I'm so sorry for your husband that this happened to him. Having said that, I also believe each and everyone of us is responsible for our own behaviour. If your husband chooses not to address the abuse, then HE is responsible for the fact that it remains an issue in your marriage.<br />
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Sadly for you, he demonstrates CLASSIC Refuser behaviour, as seen in the following examples from your story:<br />
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* it seems that anything is a good reason to NOT do anything<br />
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* He told me that sex was NOT the most important thing in a marriage, and he couldn't believe how obsessed I was about it. <br />
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* says I'm being selfish for wanting this one little thing when he provides for me in evey other way and he loves me in every other way (without any physical contact). <br />
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He may only be responding to the abuse, but he may be a Refuser by nature for whom the sexual abuse is a convenient "hook" to hang the blame for this. It doesn't matter - either way he is failing to live up to his marriage vows. ("With my body, I thee worship")<br />
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Blaming you for HIS lack of desire is extremely common in sexless marriages (women Refusers do this too ) and is despicable IMO because it is shifting the "blame" onto another person - you. In other words, failing to take responsibility for his own behaviour . . . <br />
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I think it will take some time fore you to reach a level where you feel comfortable doing this, but ultimately I think you will have to "call" him on his behaviour. To tell him that whilst you are very sorry for him that he was abused as a child, his refusal to address the issue, refusal to get help and (worst of all) his trying to blame you for your normal responses, is both unfair and unacceptable. <br />
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What you seek is totally normal - and his labelling of it as "obsessed" is cruel and totally wrong in every sense. Normal loving spouses have sex!!! If he doesn't believe this, ask him to take a poll at his workplace !! LOL (Of course he would NEVER do this because he already KNOWS that sex is normal in marriages. . . )<br />
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Spend time here reading, and thinking about the information you gather. Join in discussions and take the advice and support of others in your situation to heart. May your journey ultimately result in a much happier life for you.

kung fu...I hear ya. Hubby has actually said he doesn't want to deal with it. It is NOT something he wants to discuss or address with anyone EVER. He doesn't trust that there will be a counselor/therapist who can help, and he thinks that if he is "forced" to talk about it, it would be like reliving it and make things worse. I believe sometimes things need to get worse before they get better, but he is not willing to get to this "worst place" even with me around for support...<br />
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I know you are right about his need for counseling/therapy, but he doesn't accept how NOT going to therapy is actually a selfish act...Now if only he could see that...

Dear needmore:<br />
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I am a product of sexual abuse. My father abused me from the time I was an infant in my crib until I was 12 years old. I won't say it didn't effect me. I had an eating disorder for most of my teens into my 20's, I have been to extensive counseling for it. I still managed to have a wonderful and very sexual relationship with my first husband.<br />
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I am not saying your husband is full of it, but there are ways in which to deal with this. He is allowing himself to be held hostage by his abuse, do you know why? Because then he doesn't have to deal with it and deal with you, and he can use it as a way to not be intimate. Sorry to be a little "cold" about it, but he is no different than my husband.<br />
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My husband allowed me to suffer because he didn't want to deal with his own fears of failure and fears of intimacy. He pushed me to leave him. We can only make excuses for them for so long, at some point they gotta **** or get off the freakin pot!<br />
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See it for what it is and tell him to talk to someone, NOW.

I've always wondered whether my hubby will change when the abuser dies--not that we'll actually know since we're in a totally different place. Quite frankly, the jerk (it was a male) who did this to my hubby also stole my hubby from me...and there's nothing I can do about it; UGH!<br />
This may be stupid, but if the abuser is gone...will anything change? <br />
This is probably very infantile, but one can dream...