Amazing Romantic Husband But No Sex?!

Ok where do I begin? My husband has no faults except that he is never horny! Other than that, he is so good to be in many ways and I am so thankful for that. I really feel lucky to have met him - he is sweet and caring and also romantic, touchy feely (ie we always kiss, touch, hold hands, cuddle, etc) - he is very neat, clean, etc and so supportive of me and gives me everything...except sex! Arghhh!

We have been married 2+ years but together almost 4 and this non-sex issue started early but he is so amazing in other ways that I overlooked this one downfall. He knows it is an issue and we have gone to see someone which didn't help much, have tried many different things, had testosterone and blood work done, talked about it until we are blue in the face and stil NO ANSWERS and very little improvement.

Now I am early 30's, attractive, and consider myself pretty skinny and in great shape and don't understand why/how he doesn't want me?! It is very hurtful too because he knows if things don't improve we could end up in divorce (which he is strongly against). Also he works so hard at so many things, his job, etc, so why can't he make this a priority??! That is what is most hurtful to me, that he can watch me cry, ball my eyes out and make empty promises that "it will get better.".

The longest we have gone without sex is 6-8 weeks! That is so embarassing bc it happened in our first year of marriage! The only way we have sex is if I cry about it or if I am forceful with him. He always seems to have an excuse though: I am tired, or I haven't showered yet, or I just showered and am all clean and oh maybe later, or how about later on tonight...which never happens and is a buzz kill bc I like morning or spontanous sex!!! Also this is TMI but he won't do it during my monthly, which is usually very light but really he just won't go there - so that makes us lose over a week. So we go in cycles, we won't do it for a month, I cry my eyes out, we do it, repeat, same thing next month! I just feel so unwanted and its not a good feeling. Sometimes though I just feel I should accept it bc he is amazing in SO many other ways. I think to myself things could be worse and I think about some of my friends husbands and their gambling ways, drugs or drinking issues, etc and think my issue is nothing compared to theirs! So not every marriage is perfect and I think mine is good but this one thing is killing me and eating me up inside!

Is anyone else in a similar situation or do you have any advice??? Please help me! I may consider a sex therapist or relationship coach - my only other option is to give up and eventually leave but I don't know if I have that in me bc I love him so much!
SooSad77 SooSad77
26-30, F
13 Responses Jul 9, 2010

Oh my God, it's like u are me and u managed to write down everything that I am and have been going through!! Even the time fr<x>ame... I am 31 (32 in july) attractive, married to a WONDERFUL man who gives me everything- EXCEPT SEX. I moved to Germany to be with him, and I was home for a month, I came back three days ago and NOTHING. He barely gave me a peck on the cheek!!!!!! I don't know what to do bc I love him, He's so good to me, I'm so spoiled by him.... but I don't know if I can live my life without passion anymore. While I was home... I may have slipped. And even if I feel a little guilty, part of me feels so alive again, I feel like a woman!!! Like the attractive sexual woman I know I am, and that I have given up being bc of my husband. I'm back in Germany now, I know that won't happen again (at least not until I go back home), but I don't know what to do. To top it off, he has fertility issues but after much consideration I wonder how wise it is to bring kids into a marriage that is not 100% happy...?? Someone shed some light on this.

My advice, take it or leave it. I have just got out of an 11 year dysfunctional marriage. You're young. Get out of that marriage. You will loose ALL your self esteem eventually because he is not meeting your needs emotionally (sexually is merely a symptom).<br />
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Just think "He's just not that into me". Because that's most likely what's actually going on.

I am also so sad. Your story is very similar to mine. We have sex 1-4 times a month & he's fine with that. My husband was adopted as a baby and sexually abused by his "sister" so I feel guilty when I pressure him. But I also feel resentful and bitter toward him because he won't go to counseling because he's scared of it. Morally I can't cheat & if I divorce without proper grounds, I can't remarry. I sometimes hate him so much & yet feel sorry for him.

i do know how you feel. it is very hurtful when your husband cant or doesnt want to have sex with you. we have been married for 10 years and my husband has been in cronic pain for all our married life. he is on meds which suppress the urge for sex. he went off them for awhile so we could have sex but the pain was so bad and he was so depressed he went back on them. he is so great in otherways as well and always tries to look after me. because he cant work i have to earn the money, i have a home business. i dont know what i can advise for you because i dont know what to do myself. sometimes it just helps for someone to listen,. i cant talk to my husband about how i feel because it makes him feel bad and just makes everything worse. at times i just want to die. i think about cutting myself because the physical pain would be so much easier to bear than the emotional pain i feel at times. right now it is 2.00 in the morning and my husband is sound asleep, oblivious to the pain i am in. how can i impose my pain on him when he is in so much pain himself. we are living in a nightmare. we dont socialise as it is too hard for him and he is a bit anti social. i am growing in contempt for him and feel that i will just have to live with it for the rest of my life. i am usually a proactive kind of person but feel i have no options. i think about separating at times but cant bear the thought of him living his days isolated and alone.

And I have thought about the gay thing, trust me, but there are no signs of it at all. Some occasional **** browsing but women not men. No signs of an affair or anything like that. I have dotted all my I's and crossed all my t's - I don't know what it is except *a) low sex drive b) possible stress from work or c) just not attracted me to. The old doctor we were seeing tended to think it was from stress but not 100% sure.

A lot of these comments remind me of my first marriage. I was the romantic type & she didn't have a romantic bone in her body. Sex was frequent but had NO passion. For most romantics that is almost as bad as no sex. I knew just how bad when one evening I spent the whole day preparing a nice dinner, had the house lit in candles, roses awaiting, rose peddles on the bed. The wife walked in & said "that's real nice but I'm not hungry & really tired. If you want a B J I can do that but I really want to go to bed" Talk about a buzz kill...lol yea I know some would say I sound like a woman....lol. (That's a joke) That is just one of the reason we divorced. I finally found somebody after divorce & dating a few that matched my passion & libido. Then she got seriously ill but the point is they are out there.<br />
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Sounds like the hubby has all the romantic traits but has a low libido. You mentioned you eliminated the medical causes. So you may well be stuck in this. But if you still have all the warm fuzzies there is always a chance. If you want to stay you do need to address this before it becomes a real source of anger, resentment etc. Ask anyone here who has endured years of this how they feel about the spouse today. If it isn't addressed & something is done now all the warm fuzzies you have now will turn into anger. Best of luck

And I have thought about the gay thing, trust me, but there are no signs of it at all. Some occasional **** browsing but women not men. No signs of an affair or anything like that. I have dotted all my I's and crossed all my t's - I don't know what it is except *a) low sex drive b) possible stress from work or c) just not attracted me to. The old doctor we were seeing tended to think it was from stress but not 100% sure.

Yes but I am not ready to leave, I want to see someone and give this one more chance. I know he would not objext to seeing someone - but I just haven't found someone yet. I need to get on it and fast bc I cannot take this much longer.

SoSad, <br />
Your marriage is hopeless and your husband does not love you. He misled you into marriage. <br />
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You are too young for this bullshit and abuse. It will only get worse. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM. You must plan to dump him soon or you will go crazy. That would be such a crying shame -- actually, you are already crying. <br />
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Your dishonest husband does not deserve the safety and protection of modern civilization. He knows he can let you suffer in silence while the rest of the world thinks he is a good guy. <br />
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Now, let us talk about practicalities. Can you afford to live alone?

Oh, hon... This is oh too similar. Yes, 6-8 weeks sounds like a long time, but if you don't do something soon, it'll become 6-8 months, or where I'm at now: 16-18 months! Definitely seek out therapy to try and save your marriage if that is what you want to do. I agree wholeheartedly with "rosedl"... It's worth a shot to try and fix a relationship that you seem to enjoy in all other ways. Just remember- Sex is all too important to a marriage and don't let anyone try and convince you that's it's not. Your needs should be met. Good Luck!

Mr diffident feels very bad, he is usually very quiet when we talk. He never fails at anything so this is hard for him. He always promises things will get better but they don't. Either that or he denies there is a problem! When I say its been 6 weeks of no sex, he is like, no that's wrong, we just did it! I am like no, I have a log!<br />
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Also yes I understand everyone here is in the same boat...but all thew stories I read are just so depressing and no one ever talks about the good in their husbands or wives. I see the good and he makes me smile almost every day. I am never miserable for more than a few hours...I am usually happy-go-lucky and bubbly, you know? I am happy with my marriage but maybe 10% unhappy. I just don't know if there are better out there so that is why I would rather work with what I have and ee if we can make things better.<br />
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Oh and I do want to find a sex therapist but not sure how? I have done some research but not excited about the people I found. How do you know if someone has a good track record?<br />
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I am in the NY / north NJ area and would love a recommendation for someone to see if anyone has one! Otherwise I did find a relationship coach who seemed promising. He said he would work on finding out what turns us on and try to move forward (instead of harping on the past and the why why why's?).

Mr diffident feels very bad, he is usually very quiet when we talk. He never fails at anything so this is hard for him. He always promises things will get better but they don't. Either that or he denies there is a problem! When I say its been 6 weeks of no sex, he is like, no that's wrong, we just did it! I am like no, I have a log!<br />
<br />
Also yes I understand everyone here is in the same boat...but all thew stories I read are just so depressing and no one ever talks about the good in their husbands or wives. I see the good and he makes me smile almost every day. I am never miserable for more than a few hours...I am usually happy-go-lucky and bubbly, you know? I am happy with my marriage but maybe 10% unhappy. I just don't know if there are better out there so that is why I would rather work with what I have and ee if we can make things better.<br />
<br />
Oh and I do want to find a sex therapist but not sure how? I have done some research but not excited about the people I found. How do you know if someone has a good track record?<br />
<br />
I am in the NY / north NJ area and would love a recommendation for someone to see if anyone has one! Otherwise I did find a relationship coach who seemed promising. He said he would work on finding out what turns us on and try to move forward (instead of harping on the past and the why why why's?).

My advice to you is get help now because this has the ability to destroy your marriage. A skilled couples/sex therapist is necessary. Going isn't a gurantee that it will fix the problem, but it is worth a shot because you love him and he is good to you in many ways. Do it soon before it gets worse. <br />
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Crying and yelling are understandable, but they don't work. They actually make it worse because he comes to associate sex with disappointing you. We have certainly all done similiar - I know I have yelled, begged, cried, asked what is wrong with me, all the normal stuff that goes along with this type of rejection. I try not to do it anymore (we are in therapy) but it isn't easy. <br />
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Good luck sweetie.