Co-dependency, Loneliness, And Taking Responsibility For Staying In It

Well, here we are. Therapist is away for two weeks, husband is full of anxiety and not able to be present in the relationship in any way, and I am realizing that my fear of being alone is irrational since in many ways I AM alone in this relationship.

Fourth came and went. I love fireworks and tried to get my husband to go with me. Nope. Didn't want to...pissed about how awful this country is and who wants to celebrate? So, I took my teenage daughter who took off with a friend and I photographed and filmed the fireworks by myself. I ended up really enjoying it although I was downright furious when I left the house. His constant anxiety makes holidays really difficult.

Last week, I went on vacation with my daughter. I was really struggling and depressed before this - but I spent a lot of time with her and lots of time by myself on the beach and it was good for me. Hard at times. Beautiful at times.

I am always trying to demand something from him he isn't capable of giving. And, I understand that he is suffering with his anxiety (he has OCD) and addictive personality and there is not a lot of room to give of one's self in such a cage. I understand what that means as I am bipolar (really, not the loosely thrown around term, but clinically long term). I understand, but I am still really angry at him and disappointed in him. I want to be there for him in the process as he starts to open up to getting help, but I am also tired of nagging him to do the most basic things like setting up a medication appointment and calling to follow up with personal therapy. He avoids these things because they trigger more anxiety, and it is not healthy for me to be the catalyst to get him moving. It has been two weeks since our last therapy appointment and we won't have another for 10 more days (therapist is away) and he still doesn't have a med appointment and he has yet to follow up with therapy.

It is maddening.

This obviously can't go on indefinitely as I am at the end of my rope. I am realizing that I have allowed myself to stay in a unhealthy situation because of my DEEP DEEP fear of being alone. I think that is a common thread among us that doesn't get discussed nearly enough. We complain, we moan, we post here, yet we stay. And, our staying is a choice.

I have clung to this relationship and made it the scapegoat for loneliness that goes beyond what another person could possibly fill. I do like many things about my guy - he is curious and fun and funny. He is smart and insightful at times. We certainly have had some good times together. But, it seems my healing is learning to be okay with being alone and if that is how it falls out, I need to get ready. I know many people here talk about jumping into sexual relationships because they are so starved but I know for me that would be a disaster. I know I am not strong enough not to seek validation through these encounters, and the last thing I want is to repeat this horrible and torturous pattern. I run to relationships to be okay, so that is the thing I have to break. I won't have any good ones until I knock it the hell off. I also don't even know what healthy sexuality would look like for me right now.

All of this is a LOT easier to say then to actually practice. I completely slipped tonight and went to my husband knowing full well he was in no place to give anything. It was even kind of mean because he is having such a torturous time and I am losing it telling him that he is on the verge of losing me if this is all he has to give. I was trying to get him to make me feel better and seeking my relief from this situation through him. The precisely WRONG thing to do. Oh well. Back on the horse.

The sex actually has become the least of my focus. I am finding myself less attracted to him as I view him with the more realistic lens of who is actually is rather then what I need him to be.

Looking at myself, I realize what a place of little love this truly is...You can't really love someone if you are always focusing on how you are going to get your own needs met through them and manipulating how they need to take care of you. I feel like a selfish teenager.

Ahhh- midlife epiphanies...not if I am able to act upon the knowledge....
rosedl rosedl
41-45, F
3 Responses Jul 9, 2010

VivaLasBaby, I am living it right now!<br />
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Moment is all we have...and this period of testing is the stuff that tempers steel :)

I am sorry,seena. <br />
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I know counseling around this issue is very helpful. I did a year of DBT (dialetical behavior therapy) and it was life changing.<br />
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Good luck!

Your story sounds so much like mine.I to have a husband that has a addictive personality.we have been married 25 years, and he does somuch to please me and i still am not pleased. he is a great father and husband, but he can not take my selfihnish any longer. I feel the need to have to help people and if they dont need my help( my husband include) i push them away. now he does not stay home that much, and im realizing how alone i really am.