Why Why Why?

I'm 38 years old living in a sexless marriage. There are no major flaws with me in fact some people would consider me a catch. Im the bread winner of the family and average to above average in looks. My husband and I met over 10 years ago and has a normal sexual realtionship, but there were never any bells and whistles when it came to sex. We started experiencing problem a few years ago before we actually got married but like many others, I thought we would overcome it. I started putting pressure on my husband about 2 years ago b/c I desperately wanted to have children and I felt my clock ticking. We began having monthly sex based on my ovulation, but it felt more like a science experiment more than lovemaking. I never got pregnant naturally. We seeked the help of fertility specialist who artificially inseminated me with my husbands *****. I remember my husband telling me that he was committed to giving me what I desperately wanted, to get pregnant, and told me we would work on our 'issues' just as soon as I got pregnant. Needless to say, my son was born a year ago and I haven't had sex with my husband since 10 months prior to that...so I'm going on 2 years.
Now the hard part.....the abuse. My husband has become so nasty its absolutely impossible to deal with. He has on more than 1 occassion told me I'm ugly which reduces me to tears. I don't know why I let him get to me, but I feel like my life is passing me by and I blame him when I really should be blaming myself for staying. No one knows about this struggle-not my friends or my family. I'm too ashamed to talk about it and they would be shocked. All I've ever wanted in my life was to be married to a good guy and have a family together. I'm so happy I have my son but my fertile years are fleeting and I didn't want to make him an only child. I know I have to leave him and financially I can...emotionally I have dear friends and a solid family.
Why in the world would anyone do this to someone they loved?
sadinnyc sadinnyc
6 Responses Jul 9, 2010

Wow! All your comments are so accurate and your advice is so appreciated.<br />
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The hardest part of my situation is opening up to friends & family. Its so embarrassing that I don't think I could say the words out loud. I really don't think I'll ever be able to explain what happened in my marriage, but again I'm not all together sure that thats necessary for others to know.<br />
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My husband is definetly feeling like the end is near. I've always been the one to try to talk it out or try working on it...but as I mentioned earlier, I'm just numb and he knows it. I don't care anymore about him. When I married him for good and for bad, till death do us part I really meant it. But I know I deserve better, I just need to figure out a way to make the jump.<br />
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Again, thank you all for your words. It such a good feeling to finally get some of this weight off my shoulders.

I agree with Enna....<br />
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...and wish you all the best... stay and talk, it really helps...

IMO your husband is blaming and shaming YOU because it makes HIM feel better about his inadequacies. Many refuser spouses do this in some form - but your's has taken it to extremes.<br />
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He may be a good Dad now, but he is obviously entirely self focussed. As soon as your child begins to challenge him (the "terrible twos'!) or to develop a personality with whims, desires and behaviours that do not concur with those of your husband, he will likely treat your child with the same lack of empathy.<br />
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I strongly advise you to take your child and leave him ASAP. At this early age your child is unlikely to notice the absence of his father in any way that seriously affects him. And as the breadwinner, you can obviously afford financially to GO. <br />
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Please know that if you don't leave him, you will still be here in 5, 10, 15 years - more down trodden, more miserable and with no self esteem at all. Plus your child (or children by then) will be older and it will make it MUCH more difficult to leave. Better to grasp the nettle NOW and start a new and better life for yourself and your little one. Good Luck.

The first 3 months were hell. He was scared to be near the baby, but now if he a wonderful father. He is extremely affectionate and loving towards the baby. He has become helpful but sometimes his behavior with the baby is more to benefit him than the baby. For example, last night the baby woke up as he was getting home from work (around midnight). He turned the lights on and proceeded to play with the baby while feeding him when I asked him to keep the lights low and not to overstimulate the baby bc he has been getting up mid-way thru the night for the last week and I didn't want it to become a habit (my son has been sleeping thru the night for some time now). My husband told me that he hadn't seen the baby in a few days and wanted to spend time with him. Fair enough, he has been working a lot more lately, but whats best for the baby is for him to stay in his routine of sleeping thru the night. I explained that, my husband listened to my comments, and continued to play with the baby.

How is he with your baby? Is he a doting dad, aloof, neglectful, helpful?

Thank you both for your words of encouragement. I have said to my husband many times that I thought he had a personality disorder so its ironic that you used the exact same words. I just don't understand how someone you love and trusted could treat their spouse so nastily. The thought of moving on used to scare me, but at this time I have just feelings of numbness.