So What

you guys dont know me. im not a regular.
but i have read all your stories. im just like you. all of it. you and me, we are the same.

so its awful right. getting denied, trying and trying. still doing what you're asked and still getting denied. like the rules change all the time and when you finally figure them out, they change again. ive been married for almost 6 years. im 31. i have a daughter who is under 5.

i married the wrong person.

i know this. i just cant imagine leaving my daughter. it kills me. i moved to another country, married this girl when i was in my mid 20s. and its all screwed up. i have zero family here. leaving Canada would mean leaving my daughter, so thats out. i could leave home,

is it worth it to leave? do you feel better afterwards?

im just tired of being rejected. its screwing with me big time. i feel insane at times. worthless.

happy to be with you all

~j
jazzconstructionist jazzconstructionist
31-35, M
6 Responses Jul 9, 2010

I respectfully disagree with Chocciebean on her opinion about therapy. The advice here on EP is truly priceless because it comes from folks that know your pain because it is also our pain. However, a good therapist can provide something EP can't and that is mediation. Having an unbiased third party making sure the dialogue stays on track and productive is often needed.  How many times do our "talks" with our spouses go south because they get heated or the wrong words are used? You get nowhere!  <br />
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You said that you married the wrong person. This may sound harsh but I don't think YOU married the wrong person, I think SHE did. Let me explain, you say that you love her enough to stay if things can be worked out. You want her. Friend, I'm in the same boat as you, our spouses don't want us because we are the wrong people for them. THAT doesn't mean there is something wrong with you! There are enough women on EP who will tell you that the "right" person for them is a man who will give them attention, affection, and share their life with intimacy. <br />
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Maybe she needs a wake up call. Try therapy.  Through therapy I got some painful truths but it has given me clarity and I'm better informed to be able to make an educated decision. Best of luck to you.

I would forget therapy, you'll get so much better advice here! Honestly. But she has to understand that this is important - and either things improve or you'll be out of there. Now, I know you don't want to leave, cos otherwise things are pretty good. But believe me, this will take over your whole existence - and you've got to make her understand the problem is hers to solve or not - but the consequences will not be good if she carries on ignoring it. Welcome though, and the best of luck xx

hi marriedinchicago,<br />
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if i had the tools i would work with it. perhaps therapy is something to look into. <br />
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i do love her, i really do. and i would stay with her, i just dont know how to continue this way forever, you know. I'm young, i have made mistakes and i don't want to make more. is no sex worthy of a divorce? well, i didn't get married to have sex, but repeatedly receiving the cold glance and cold shoulder is enough to make you wonder what's happening in your life that you obviously have a disconnect with. im sure you know "the look" and that you're familiar with "the tone" but seriously, several years is a long time to deal with it and expect it to get better.<br />
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i think she would rather read a book and go to bed than make love to me. i think its a chore for her. something she just doesn't want to do. how do i compromise with that? ive kept my mouth shut, and not said a word about it. i cook3 or 4 nights a week, i clean often, i look after the baby so she can go out with her friends, or to get her hair cut, nails done,gym etc. i gave up video games when the baby was born (coincidentally i realized what a waste of time it was). the stakes just keep getting higher and higher and there isn't a compromise. but i do constantly try. if shes having a rough time at work, or just a hard day in general, im sensitive to it, and i try to help.<br />
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i live in toronto, but i am american. so technically i could move to buffalo NY and do the joint thing. but then i am not a lawyer so who knows...you know what i mean.<br />
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you said: "My advice is to work hard and fast towards improving things, or work towards a divorce."<br />
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i think that's great advice. i should have done this a long time ago. :)<br />
thanks very much for taking the time that you did. i appreciate it.

married....it really is difficult. that's all that i know to say. :)<br />
thank you.

there is no solution when its ignorance you're dealing with. it really doesn't get any better.<br />
thank you. seriously.<br />
thank you for reading and responding.

Yes. It IS awful... I can say "I'm sorry" and offer you ((hugs)) and all that, but it really won't make you feel any better, will it? Like you said, you and me- we're the same. And we are. I married the wrong person. I am in my early 30's. I do everything I'm "supposed" to do. I, too, have a daughter under 5. I understand and completely sympathize with your feelings about leaving your daughter. I couldn't leave, or take mine away from her father. <br />
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I don't know if things get better if you leave... I can tell you that staying and ignoring your refuser to the point where you are treating him/her like a room-mate is kind of working for me. Well, no, that's a lie. It stopped the yelling, crying, and arguing. But it does NOT make you happier. I'm dead inside. Except around my beautiful daughter...<br />
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I do wish you the best of luck, and I hope you find a solution, or a way out that makes you happy. Take care!