Jeckyl And Hyde

so we tried and have been rejected right?
last night was another attempt for me. i ended up hanging out with your stories instead. truth be told, i think it was good for me. i certainly felt better about it all. i wish there were a group on EP for refusers. i would love to explore stories from their point of view. seriously, i would pay to join that group.

anyway, you get rejected, you remove yourself. physically and emotionally. for me, once i remove myself emotionally it isnt temporary. i can sleep on the couch or in the spare room but when i wake up the feeling isnt gone. i just deal with it because i have to. as i live with a refuser, i think it is very unreasonable of me to expect an apology. i mean, that would only happen in a normal relationship right?

after last nights attempt, i emailed an ex girlfriend who i still stay in touch with. she's happily married and lives far away from me btw. but i let her know that "she gave me everything and that i wouldn't forget it." she responded and thanked me for saying that, thats kind of a weird thing but it was true so i don't feel badly about it. im sure my wife wouldnt see it that way though :).0 so funny how you can look back on previous relationships and see that things weren't that bad. i was just young and wanted to have new experiences.

so i got treated like s@#! for attempting to be intimate. i left the room and was not asked to come back. this morning, she acts like nothing ever happened. as i mentioned before, no apology or mention of the rejection. nothing. we took our daughter to a friends this afternoon so our kids could play and she asks for hugs in front of our friends and tries to act cute and loving. here's where it gets tough though. I want to be mad. I want to hang onto the fact she habitually forbids intimacy in our relationship. I know i am only making the cycle continue by being that way. but i also know that when i play along it gets me no where. nothing changes.

how can you be such a cold person when the time is right and expect your partner to love you and hold you when its on your terms? should i just be happy with the affection when she wants it and forget my own personal feelings?

this behaviour is pretty par for the course for us. she's is concerned with image, let others think we're happy and have everything and that's all that matters. I often wish my life were a reality show so she could see the way she acts, and hear the way she speaks, adn how rotten it is when your partner is pushed away and feels the way i do sometimes. who knows, it would probably do me some good too though. and i would scream at the tv and ask this guy why he continues to be with someone like that.
jazzconstructionist jazzconstructionist
31-35, M
7 Responses Jul 10, 2010

"i wish there were a group on EP for refusers." <br />
Having been somewhat of a refuser - I'm thinking explaining reasoning may offer some insight?<br />
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The bf before my husband, I just didn't love him, and couldn't bring myself to reciprocate intimacy. I really really did cared for him and loved him deeply but only as a friend. I was young, and still figuring my sh!t out, and didn't want to hurt him so I didn't break up with him, couldn’t bring myself to do it. I finally got the guts and broke it off - knowing I was hurting him more by stringing him along.<br />
I truly think a lot of the sexless marriages are in existence for this very reason – a deep love but not an intimate one. It may not have started that way, but over time that was where the relationship ended up. Most are too scared and/or selfish to let the other one go, or genuinely think staying is for the best.<br />
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With my husband - we're up and down with our sexual compatibility. We've been together about a decade (only married a few of them) - and certainly have had our times where we were in-synch and for sure others when we we're not. <br />
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Thinking of the times when we're not in-synch - there are various reasons where there was refusal (by both parties - not just me). Our main problem - too much pot smokin'. And while we can acknowledge/recognize it when we're rational calm and discussing thing - nothing changes. We’ve also had our times where we’ve let outside stresses affect our relationship (be it work, a roommate, family members illness). Both of us battle depression, and at times that will bubble up in one of us and overtake our mood for a few months – especially in the winter. <br />
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Other times – I think this is probably more to the point of this thread/forum – are times when he's in the mood and I'm not - well quite frankly - he just doesn't try hard enough. Yes, in his mind he's trying , but really a one handed half-assed neck rub sooo ≠ foreplay in my book. Sorry dude, but if I wasn't in the mood, you're just going to have to try a little bit hard than that. Then he just gets frustrated and gives up after 2 minutes. The juices just weren't quite flowing yet man. You had peaked my interest, but I wasn't quite there yet. I’ll end up thinking to myself “Fine, I was almost near sleep anyway, psssh no skin of my back I wasn’t in the mood anyway” and will roll away from him assuming the “spoon me” position drifting back to dream land. <br />
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Then there’s when I'm just not in the mood and I think there’s a pretty good reason to be justified in refusing sex. When I'm genuinely tired, feeling extra contemplative and want to be left alone with my thoughts, or am right in the middle of doing something else that I'd like to at least finish first. It’s horribly frustrating and hurtful to be the sole party blamed for when we don’t sex – am I’m never allowed to ever have not in the mood feelings? I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want me to just lie there and let you have your way with me. That would have to be pretty boring sex anyway. I know I'm not the only woman alone in feeling (even if it is incorrect) that it is all too easy for guys when they're not in the mood - theevery once and a while, when you're not into it, well your parts just aren't gonna work. Discussion over. For us gals, well, we have no - "well can't get it up sorry honey" to fall back on. And lucky/heh - unlucky - for me - my hubby doesn't buy the whole I'm not lubed up enough as an excuse. <br />
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Sometimes, well sometimes he's just kinda sub-par. I'll be honest. The same foreplay routine, starting at the top kissing for less than a minute, working your way down pawing at me, but not really paying attention to what you’re doing, resulting in 5 forgettable minutes of wonderbread missionary sex - well it gets old. Over many years, I've learned my husband will always fail to listen to instructions - be it how to properly do the laundry, preparing certain foods, or my bedroom turn ons and offs. I've learned to be patient, and try not to nag too much, but every once and a while he needs to be reminded - honey, I don't like it when you do that move. Honey, you're not doing oral quite right - you can't do that move yet. He's not gonna know if I don't tell him. I think a lot of women just expect their partners to be mind readers with elephant like memories. He doesn't get my verbal cues (certain moans mean wow you're doing that right - keep doing that) - and he probably never will - as much as I'd love it if he were able to read and respond to them. <br />
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I think another big one is being accused of using sex as a weapon. Or rather – withholding sex as a weapon. I’ve been accused of this, and will not deny that it hasn’t been done, but if it has it’s been hardly ever, and never a time that I can immediately recall. This hurts and enrages me more than most things in an argument. Sure, I’ve said as a joking threat – stop being such an ******* or I’m not having sex for x days/weeks/months etc. but I’m pretty sure I’ve never actually followed through with such a threat. I maintain, that most of the time if we’re fighting – it’s not that I’m not having sex with you to **** him off, its because *I’m* pissed off, and well I’m not ready to forgive you and there’s no way in hell I’m going to enjoy it when I’m this pissed off at you. When you call me the C word, say I’m lazy, or say I have no credibility – even if it IS in the heat of an argument, and you didn’t really mean it – well no sh!t Sherlock – of COURSE I’m not having sex with you in the immediate future. <br />
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I think what has kept us together and from killing or leaving each other, is that I've been able to step aside from my selfishness in the times in life when I’m low libido. Where I differ from a lot of women partners in sexless marriages – I can recognize that sex is important - for my husband. It’s important BOTH of you. There are chemicals in your brain and body that are released that affect your whole being - your overall health physically and emotionally/mentally that happen when we have sex. <br />
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Sometimes, you just have to buck up when you're not in the mood. And no, faking it doesn't count. No one wants to screw someone just lying there. (ok correction, I'm sure there's some fetish for that - but I'm getting off topic). If you’re not in the mood like all the time, sometimes you just have to let go and go with the flow of the moment. Find a connection - get something out of the moment, mentally or physically. More often than not, if you just try to get into it even just a little, after a little bit it turns into – hey this aint so bad – and you end up feeling a little better when its all over in some way – either emotionally closer to your partner, or that happy euphoric physical release we all need. <br />
Girls, you have to communicate - if you don't like it because he's humpin like a rabbit - tell him to slow down. If he has a horrible foreplay move you just can’t get past, tell him. Sometimes you have to remind him, he may have forgotten when you told him two weeks ago. Guys, if you can finally get her to buck up and take one for the team, but she's still just lying there – is it your technique that’s lacking? If you’ve tried to mix things up, and she’s still juts lying there like a corpse - ask her to make some noises or talk dirty, move back, do something to let you know when you've done something right. <br />
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Be sure to tell your partner your needs are important. Drudge up and show them the psychological studies about brain chemistry and sex and health. That was a big eye opener for me years ago. If they cares about you at all (which I'm going to guess many of them still do - maybe not in the same ways they used to, but does have some form of love) they’ll hopefully get the hint and try. -- If they don’t, well I’d bet it's probably been over for a long time, and you're not doing any favors by staying together. If children are involved I'd bet you're fighting a lot outside of the bedroom too, so sticking it out is actually bad for them. Even if there is no fighting, one or both of their parents are still really sad all the time - they can sense that even as babies.<br />
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Good luck to everyone in this icky situation. I’d say give it some time, and you’ll figure things out- but some of you have been going through this for years. But something has brought you here to EP, so there has already been a spark for change. Hang in there!<br />
>>much love<<

sounds good to me pal. lets do it.

My husband is a lot like your wife. He wants pecks and hugs and I usually wind up giving them to him because I don't want our son to see me reject him. But if I try to prolong the kiss, hug too tight, or god forbid, use tongue, he practically runs across the room. And if we fight, once he's over it, he expects me to be too and goes right back to friendliness. Maybe there's an alien planet they all come from.

hey steve,<br />
you're totally correct. i consider what you said all the time and know it to be true. something stops me from being outward about these things, be it some form of respect, or whatever it is. but you are right and i do not disagree with you. <br />
thanks for your response.

ditto, it really put a funny spin on my story. <br />
thanks for the response.

Jazz, you're story broke my heart, we have alot of the same issues but, right as I was ready to cry, I read Quinn's follow up to his post "drop that thang off the bed like it's hot".<br />
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You're too funny man, thanks for the laugh