Oh What A Night

I tried to make this a blog, but that isn't working today. So here it is!

I swear that I will never learn. I always push the issue and it gets me to the same miserable place. Once again crying my eyes out.

I actaully had a really good day. I spent it with my nieces and daughter building a fairy village/garden. Fun, distracting. I went home to suprise D with dinner. I made steak, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, and his favorite onion rings. I made this all from scratch. He was quite happy about the meal since I haven't really cooked in a while. He asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him.. he NEVER watches movies, so I jumped at the chance.

We laid in bed and watched a movie and relaxed and had a good time. I tried to hold his hand a few times, he never grasped my hand back... depressing. I rubbed his arm and leg and ran my fingers through his hair while we watched. I had no expectations. I wasn't even thinking about sex, I just wanted to be close to him. I love affection. I think it is all those little touches and kisses that tell someone "I really love you"

The movie ended and D quickly picked up his book to begin reading. I was kind of peaved that he didn't want to talk a little. And then I did it... I said "you never wrote me back" (referring to the email ultimatum I gave him the other day) If I had thought this through, I might have predicted the **** storm those 5 little words would create.

He snapped back "i haven't gotten around to it yet" I don't remember the rest of the back and forth, it really isn't im portant. It ended with me crying and him asking me why i don't just find someone else because he can not be who i want him to be. I told him I love him and he replied with ugly remarks about me crying. All I wanted at that moment was for him to hold me. I wanted to know he loves me, cares about me on some level. I asked him why he tells me he loves me if he truly wants to be alone and he says "i say it just to shut you up"

Thanks for that stab in the heart, D.

I actually think he is pushing me as far as he can so I will leave him. I think that is what he wants.

I laid there and cried for a few minutes feeling absolutely crushed. Then I got angry and I thought "**** him, i will find someone else" finding someone else goes against everything i believe in. I logged onto to AOL with the intention of chatting with people (something i have not done in years) to escape for a while. I didn't do it. After all I met D in an AOL chat room and look how this has turned out.

So he turned off the light, I shut the computer and tried to sleep. Of course that wasn'ty going to happen. so I got dressed and grabbed my laptop and here I am sitting outside on the porch in the dark, listening to the waves and staring at the house next door wondering if it is haunted by the woman who died there earlier this year.

I tried to make a dramtic exit, so he was clear that I was leaving. He doesn't know I am only on the porch. I made a presentation of getting dressed and getting the car keys, slamming the front door. Kind of childish, I know. Honestly I hoped he would come looking for me, or call me. He hasn't, he won't. I know him. He could give a **** if I ever came back. He is the coldest person I have ever met in my entire life.

I literally feel sick to my stomach and although I know he is mean and undeserving of my love and affection, I know tonight was my fault. I accept that and it ****** me off. But he is still a grade A *******!
marriedintx marriedintx
31-35, F
8 Responses Jul 11, 2010

Oh honey. I have lived similiar scenarios. <br />
<br />
When it gets this bad, it is time to stop turning to a partner that is not capable for whatever reason to meet your needs and figure out how to meet them yourself. Every time you look to the unavailable partner for validation or sex or whatever it is you seek, you set yourself up for the cycle of rejection and loneliness and pain. <br />
<br />
You have to break that cycle. <br />
<br />
It is NOT wrong for you to draw lines and set boundaries, however the best way to do it is without expectations that your boundaries will result in change from the other person. Don't set boundaries for a reaction, set boundaries to take care of yourself. <br />
<br />
The question as other posed - why are you staying in the relationship?<br />
<br />
You may find that the answer is more complex then financial concerns. It may be that you are co-dependent and don't know how to define yourself outside of a relationship. It may be fear. Only you can answer for sure. <br />
<br />
You can't change him. It won't work no matter how thoughtful, good, loving, and caring you try to be. <br />
<br />
Take care of yourself.

You are right WUIT. It does go way beyond SM. My husand has been on this downward spiral for 5 years and he just gets meaner and colder as time goes by. I thought, foolishly, if we brought back the intimacy things would begin to repair. Obviously that hasn't happened. For a few weeks we were very intimate and very frequently I might add. We were getting along and talking - really talking. But for some reason unbeknownst to me he has pushed me away again. I knwo I am not perfect, but I do not abuse my husband emotionally, physically or otherwise. I give myself to him completely and never make him wonder what I am feeling. I don't raise my voice, I do not name call. I can't figure out what I am doing wrong. I know I know "I'm not the one doing anyhing wrong' but I find that hard to believe, no one is perfect.

NIL, Meerin and EH are all correct. Did you know that abused people always say:<br />
"It was my fault" - as in "It was my fault he beat me because I should have realised he wouldn't want carrots with his dinner".<br />
<br />
It sounds to me as if you are also being abused - emotionally abused - and you are blaming yourself for bringing this abuse about. Abuse is NOT acceptable no matter WHAT you have done . . . so you should not accept responsibility for it.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry to sound so harsh - I'm actually mad at your DH!! You are deserving of SO much better . . . .

This has already been a long road for me. About 5 years long. I honestly can't answer about why I put up with it. I am only just starting to fully realize how deeply messed up my husband is. i am so glad for ILIASM, If i didn't have EP to come to and let everything out I would go nuts!

'Letting things be' does not solve the issue. The problem only festers and becomes worse. I've been there, done that - no resolution.<br />
DON'T blame yourself. This is how they play us. We feel guilty for asking a question we have every right to ask! <br />
You identify him as being mean and undeserving, then, why do you put up with this?<br />
Before you start on this journey ( for it is long one), ask yourself,<br />
Why are you in this marriage?<br />
What do you expect from it?<br />
And most importantly, how much are you willing to sacrifice for it?<br />
Make no mistake, you WILL have to compromise. <br />
If you read up some of the posts here, you will find some great confrontation tips (they really helped me!)<br />
The one thing I've realised is that, by keeping quiet, I'm doing exactly what he wants me to do. As long as I keep quiet, he is happy because, his world is perfect!

well meerin, I feel like I should have just let it rest for the night. I think I started it by asking that question. I know nothing good comes from me trying to discuss our life. We were having a relaxing evening, I should have let it be. <br />
However, it is very hard for me to let things "be" I am the type of person who needs answers and needs things to be resolved. I got neither of those tonight.

How was tonight your fault? You asked him a question and got the hell beaten out of you emotionally.

that hurts.<br />
people are so mean. you didnt deserve that.