The Double Standard

Every so often here at ILIASM, I read about members taking separate vacations from their spouses. While I would love to get some truly relaxing vacation time in without having to tiptoe around my refuser's delicate sensibilities, it would never happen in this marriage. To my refuser husband, my taking a vacation without him would be treated the same as if I'd demanded a marital separation. However, that only applies if I'm the one who went on vacation without HIM. HE is permitted to take any number of vacations without me without batting an eye.

Early this spring, I had mentioned that I was planning on going on a couple of camping trips with my hiking club. Up until then, hubs had taken only a token interest in the activities I participated in with my friends from the club, but when I started talking about taking some several-days-long trips with the club, hubs suddenly became very interested, to the point where he now intends to go too (even though he wasn't invited.) I think he took this sudden interest because when I told him about the trips, I phrased it in such a way that stated I was going. Period. I didn't ask for him to accompany me, nor did I ask for his 'permission' or his 'approval' for me to attend, and I think that bothered him.

During this same period of time, hubs planned a weeklong out-of-state trip for himself with a couple of acquaintances, and spent weeks and weeks before the trip telling me how much he was looking forward to it, with the expectation that I should share in his enthusiasm. He didn't invite me, but as I had no desire to go, that was fine. However, I did not invite myself to go along with him, as he did to me on my trips.

One of the things that really makes me angry about being married to a refuser is the fact that he can't seem to give me what I need, but he'll sure as h*ll go to great lengths to make sure that there isn't even a sliver of a chance of me getting those needs met elsewhere. I-don't-want-you-but-I'll-be-d*mned-if-I'll-allow-you-to-be-in-a-position-where-someone-else-might.

And the worst part: On the rare occasions when we are intimate, it's like the man has forgotten that there's anything more to me than lips and a vagina. 5 minutes of kissing on the lips (which, I think, is supposed to be foreplay) and then penetration. No fondling, no kisses anywhere else but on the lips, etc.

The last time we were intimate, he actually laid there next to me and said, "I don't know what you want me to do." WTF???!?

This, from the same man who, nine years ago, would stay in bed with me for entire weekends! He never seemed to have any problem figuring out what I liked THEN. Guess what, honey? What I like hasn't changed, it's how often I'm getting it that's changed. Nine years ago, though, we also spent much more time in close physical proximity to each other...holding hands, sitting by each other, etc. Now, we sit on two separate pieces of furniture on opposite sides of the room.

And why do we spend less time in proximity to each other? Because I've stopped pursuing him. I got tired of being rejected and figured that if he wants me badly enough, he'll come after ME. Hah! I should have known better. What a joke! He's tried pouting, he's tried insisting I 'don't love him anymore,' and he's tried to make me feel guilty for not pursuing him, etc. In other words, he's done everything to try to return our relationship to the status quo (short of HIM pursuing ME) but he can't figure out why it's not working. Couple that with my spending much more time away from home and telling him he's "all talk" when he starts up with the double-meaning sexual jokes, and he STILL hasn't figured it out.

passionshandmaiden passionshandmaiden
41-45, F
5 Responses Jul 11, 2010

Yea even in a normal non refuser marriage you need some me time so you don't shoot each other...lol Before my wife became sick we each had our own me time. I would go fishing, golf or whatever & she had her friends to go shopping or whatever she liked to do. Even in the most normal circumstances people need some away time to relax & do something THEY enjoy. My bride once asked me if I would like her to go fishing with me or go to the golf course. I said no I need some me time. She just laughed & said "thank goodness, I hate golf"..lol

I know this behavior. My stbx was a master at inviting himself to "my" alone time activities. He couldn't stand I did Toastmasters so he joined too. Almost totally ruined it for me. When my friends wanted me to see a show with them at a bar and he didn't want to go, he blew up at me and told me he didn't want *his* wife "hanging around in bars.". Just two examples of many. I did have the guts to keep my nature time to myself. I told him if he insisted on coming with me, I would stay home and he could walk the dogs by himself. That stopped him. He never could be bothered to do anything by himself. Just tell him "no.". Yes, yes, easier said than done but it is possible. <br />
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Princess Doesntmissthatshit

Go on this trip without him and tell him that you want...no NEED some space. Your husband sounds ultra-controlling. From your description, it seems as if the issues go way beyond lack of sexual intimacy. <br />
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You have drawn boundaries but you aren't holding boundaries. If your husband can insinuate himself into your activies without invitation or consideration for how you feel about it, then the boundaries aren't being held. This is up to you. Tell him how you feel. If he gets mad, let him be mad. He needs to own his own feelings and you aren't obligated to live your life contigent upon his reactions. If you want to do something. Do it. I know I have used my husband's previous controlling behavior as an excuse to not do things and played a victim role. I am just unlearning this behavior. <br />
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Good luck. Tough stuff.

I am totally feeling the part about him acting as if he has forgotten what to do....My refuser does the SAME!!!!!! Sometimes I think he purposely does a bad job just so I won't ask for it again....SO FRUSTRATING!!!!

Do you think he has something on the side? I'm sure you've thought about it. These trips he goes on are a red flag.<br />
Have you tried just going on an overnight trip without him while he is out of town? <br />
If you work--sometimes saying a work trip is scheduled when really it's a personal trip. Yes, I am suggesting you lie since it may be the only way.<br />
BTW--a solo trip such as this is what led me to my affair. I have always gone on trips with friends since he is such a lug about traveling...add in the years of non sexual relations and you have a recipe for infedelity. <br />
Just make sure you are clear about your motivations b/c you are setting yourself up for such things.