The Big D/how Does Being A Refuser Play Out Or Does It

When I think about pursuing a divorce (which is more often every month) I think about the cause and effect of our situation.

He refused intimacy for me for 4 years, did nothing about it and let me twist in the wind (CAUSE)

I started having an affair, which is ongoing for now and satisfys that yearning for intimacy (EFFECT)

I had an affair (CAUSE)

Hypothetical: He wants a divorce (EFFECT)

If he found out I do think it may come to that....so would he look like the helpless victim in a divorce proceeding? Or am I being overly dramatic here?

I know I would look like the bad guy in the court of public opinion...but I wondered if that spilled into the actual divorce process...

Do you tell the lawyer, friends, the world that the spouse cut you off? Guess I want people to understand my side or maybe I should just get over it.
arlington112 arlington112
41-45, F
9 Responses Jul 11, 2010

Oh yea & in a few states withholding sex is grounds for divorce. It's called alienation of affection. In some it falls under mental cruelty. Just depends on which state you are in.

Like others have said it depends on your states divorce laws. If it is a no fault state it wont matter. Divorce is granted & marital proceeds split. If it is not a no fault state then you could have real problems if found out. Can effect custody, financial etc. Do protect yourself. You may want to put things on hold, at least until seperation. In most states during legal seperation it is viewed differently. In whatever you do be careful. Best of luck

logically ... everyone knows about divorce ... but how marriage works, nobody ... miserable :(

Know that if he wants to keep you, or wants to fight you over property, the FIRST thing his lawyer will tell him to do is hire a private detective and then it gets painted really ugly. Sue for irreconcilable differences, put the affair on hold (no phone (they are subpoenaed - even cell records (I work for a big divorce lawyer), your computer can cracked, you have to live a chaste life unless you life in a state like Cali for Florida. If you don't want to go that route, sue him (SUE HIM) in the local court your lawyer recommends (some judges are friendlier to men, some women), for irreconcilable differences and then tell the truth about the affair. You don't want to go into interrogatories denying it and his lawyer throw a folder full of evidence at you. And don't even hint that you want a divorce to him until you have all the loose ends tied up and are ready to file, surprise is key.

Divorce shouldn't be about getting even. It should be about getting out and moving on with your life - leaving all that behind you. On the other hand, you have to be prepared to defend yourself should your spouse choose to take the path of anger. But again, not so you can get even with whatever they do, but so you can be prepared for whatever they might try. In general, the best advice is to let your attorney handle things and don't get into a he said she said contest with friends, family and neighborhood. If they want to go there - let them look like the bad guy shouting at the wind. Take the high ground as much as possible - it will pay off in the end. <br />
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Konaprincess's is write - what covers it best is...<br />
you and your H wanted different things from your marriage.

Yes--this is how I imagined it would be--very hush hush as it is humiliating esp. for him. I don't want to hurt him--so in a way I feel the score is even.

I too advise discretion. Tell the lawyer in confidence.<br />
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It is maddening that our society condemns affairs but is ok with refusers. There is alot of room for education on the gut-wrenching, soul-destroying role that is doled out to us when we marry refusers.<br />
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I did tell some of my friends and my immediate family, except for my brother. I would not dream of telling our mutual friends or my STBX's family as he needs a safe haven too. It's noone else's business. If people get nosey, either tell them it's none of their business or more generically, that you and your H wanted different things from your marriage.

I guess it really depends upon where you live. In California all we have is no fault divorce, so it doesn't matter who did what first. I agree to keep it hush hush....unless they have personally experienced being "shut out" people just don't get it....especially beause you are a woman. It is unfair as hell......but life is not always fair ....so protect yourself. I see no need to tell him of the affair...it will just cause him extre pain. He has to know deep down that he has been absent from the marriage.

I am talking discreetly. I will tell my lawyer when I get to legal proceeding, not to use in court but to protect myself if it gets nasty. I have told *my* closest friends (but not "our" friends or his friends). I have told my mother but not my brothers or their wives. I see no reason to tell everyone but my inner circle needed to know. <br />
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I would advise not to get caught in the affair. It would just make things complicated. If you're going to leave him anyway, I'd advise to do it sooner rather than late. <br />
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Princess Didntgetcaught