What I Hope Will Be The Start Of Our Talks

tried to talk (calmly, emotionlessly) about our issues this evening. i told my wife that i thought she was a good woman, that she is a great mother, but that when it came to intimacy, at being a lover, that our relationship was awful.

she gave a slight head shake and said "what can i say? go f@#$ someone else. "

this is what i have to deal with. haha. i think its funny that someone can be so downright cruel. but then i remember that this is my wife.

i told her she was going to drive me away. and that it was going to be her fault. that this no sex business is a deal breaker and that it will be the reason that i leave.

she just gave me the same cold look and a facial gesture that to me said "i don't care"

i hope this opens the door for more talks, because im not going to let this go. and ultimately, i will just have to leave, it gets more and more obvious by the day. the reality is though, that i havent done anything wrong, and i dont deserve it but i will eventually come out on top regardless of the outcome (i hope). i can see 2 possible scenarios; #1 the talks will get through to her and something different (ie couples therapy) will start happening or #2 her attitude remains the same and i eventually leave and find someone who will care about me more than she does.

i'm ok with that.
jazzconstructionist jazzconstructionist
31-35, M
9 Responses Jul 11, 2010

Trying to be delicate here, but that doesn't sound much like a talk. Sounds like you bridged the subject, your wife got defensive, and you were both left in limbo and silence.<br />
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I know the drill because I did the same thing for YEARS with my husband before anything changed. <br />
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The reason that he is now in couple's therapy with me and finally addressing his **** with his OCD is because there was a crisis moment. I discover he was having on-line video sex chats, and I told him either he call the couple's therapist HIMSELF or he leave. He knew I meant it. There was no blowing it off, either lose the relationship or change. <br />
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If you tell your wife that no sex is a dealbreaker but don't follow through with any actions, she is just going to shut you off everytime you broach the subject. A more useful approach is to set clear parameters that must be met in order for you to stay in the relationship and define what that means. You could say, 'my choice is to work on this relationship and reestablish intimacy, but if you are not willing to do half the work, then I won't be able to stay in limbo'. Then, give her a timefr<x>ame for going to couple's therapy and getting help. If she doesn't want to go, then you need to actually follow up with actions to leave or temporarily separate. <br />
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And, therapy for you individually is a good idea whether she goes or not.<br />
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Good luck. This stuff is so painful.

thanks GaDad,<br />
My child is the only thing that keeps me around. the idea of not seeing her everyday is more than i can handle. typical huh? if that weren't a factor for me, I don't believe I would be on EP or still living in this situation.<br />
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I really hope married people (without children yet) who are in my situation, read this and can leave prior to bringing kids in. It really changes everything.

i'm just jaded i suppose. if this were the first time i had dealt with this, i would be a little more optimistic i suppose. <br />
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thank you for your response, i will keep on demanding the truth, its working for me.

Sounds like she is on the right path. Maybe after thought she is genuine. Yea I am a glass is half full type..LOL I guess as with all, only time will tell. Best of luck.

thanks everyone.<br />
No matter how suggestive she may seem about me going to someone else, she would never be ok with that. I don't think i would be either though, just as I would be inviting a new set of problems into my life. And if the new girl were ok with me being married, then i wouldn't be comfortable with that either. <br />
we'll see what happens. this morning, after i slept in another room for the 4th night in a row, she said she loved me and that she was sorry she made me feel that way. sounds good right? hate to sound like an *** but i have heard it before. but hey, like i said, i'll hang in for a bit and see what happens.<br />
i don't think I can change anyone though, if she hasn't realized actions/consequences by her mid 30's, then i don't think its going to happen. a temporary fix perhaps, but a permanent change seems unlikely.

It is GREAT that you have started some dialog. Great to hear she knows it is a deal breaker. Her first reaction seems typical. Anger, hurt etc. But maybe she will think about it & come around. Could take time. If she doesn't & remains staunch in her position then you have you answer. In her mind she may well think it is your problem. Some personalities refuse to see they have problems, shows weakness in their mind. If she gets past that then you know she really does want to improve. If not you still have your answer. Whatever the outcome best of luck.

VB is exactly right. Same situation here. I have been moved out now for over 5 months. I started finally getting some truth after about 3 months of being moved out, but it is coming very slowly.<br />
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I 100% agree that she is trying to create a situation to make you do the work of moving on so that in her eyes you will be a fault. She will sit back and either live this way until death or until you move on which ever comes first.<br />
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But you are doing the right thing. Keep pushing the issue. Talk very calmly and as a matter of fact type attitude. Make sure she knows that you can handle anything she tells you and never show emotion.

Some might go the girlfriend route but I have to agree - I would rather be clear of the situation all together and be free to be with someone - wholly and completely - and many women wouldn't settle for a part time man. I'm not sure that I could maintain respect for a man that was satisified having a part time woman.<br />
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I think you are doing the right thing - making it clear to her that this is a deal breaker and that you don't want to leave her if she is willing to work on things - but if not - you do know where the door is. Just remember - be prepared. You never know what people will say or especially do - when faced with the end of a relationship - particularly when they feel they have had the upper hand for so long. Hope for the best but Plan for the worst.

Would you stay if she really WAS ok with you having a girlfriend? Because there is a good change she IS ok with that.