Ego Blown

My husband and I was supposed to have sex yesterday nite but in the end he can't do it. I felt hurt and my ego blown. When these happen, it seems to me that I am not attractive enough for him or he does not find me sexy. oR he does not love me? Anyone can help to answer this? Any other reason why this happens? It hit really hard on me everytime this happens. What's wrong? Is it ME? While there are a lot of men find me attractive.
furrypurry furrypurry
26-30, F
16 Responses Jul 12, 2010

I can understand why he wouldn't want to share about something like this. Many men have their sexual capability as a big part of their ego (I do!). I wouldn't want to turn to my wife and say "Here's what's going on" and discuss it. I'd try to minimize it and brush it under the covers and forget it happened. HE probably had his ego blown, just like you.<br />
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There is a bad joke:<br />
Sadness is the first time you can't do it a second time.<br />
Depression is the second time you can't do it the first time.

Hi Guys and Gals! Thank you very much for your supports. I feel better now to see from different perspectives. To answer some of your queries.. our sexual life has not been very satisfactory but the ED only happens recently. Anyhow, my husband like to keep things to himself and that is why there are many things I don't understand.

OK... I am that guy that couldn't get it up. I know why it happened. It was definately my issue. So I taked to her about it... and it seemed like we were on the same page with fixing the problem. I got some medication and it worked. It worked too well and now I have a new problem. Her endurance isn't very long... so I'm back to square one. WTF!? No sex in two months again... <br />
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If you don't want to leave your wife...go get some "strange" once in a while and deal with what life as it is.

I suggest you don't see him for a week or so, come back and then he will want you again. He's probably just got too used to you.

Men always get hit hard (no pun intended) on the erection issue. If a woman's inability to lubricate was represented in the same manner as a mans inability to get an erection then we'd have to say there are a ton of women out there who "can't get it up". We would call it LD or "lubrication dysfunction". Personally I see both sides of the issue as equally important; it's just that when a woman "can't get it up" the issue is easily resolved with lubricant. I'm getting tired of hearing about men who can't perform. What about all the woman who can't perform? It's a two way street. If men took a womans inability to lubricate as a personal reflection of their own sexual attractiveness then 99% of all men would be depressed and sexually insecure.

maybe he is just tired... just dont really make big fuss about it.. its normal.. u can ask for IT some other time.. mybe, next time, he will demand doing IT when u least expect it..

A friend just recomended a book for me. The Sex Starved Wife= by Michelle weiner Davis. I cheched it out on her website and it sounds good. I feel the same way, I know my husband loves me but dont feel it. He tells me all day how sexy and beautiful I am, but to me those are just words without action. Dont put yourself down it really isnt you. He may just have a low sex drive and still love you and find you attactive. So many nights I think my husband is in the mood and instead he complains about a headache, some kind of ache and then goes to sleep. And maybe he has alot of stress at work or something.

There is a problem here, it's just not clear what it is from the story. Maybe there are emotional issues, maybe physical, maybe it's his problem, maybe it's yours, maybe it's both of yours - but if you're unhappy there are things you can do about it. It's really important to communicate and get to the bottom of this. For the first couple of months after my partner and I began sleeping with each other, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. At first I was really hurt, because I thought he wasn't attracted to me anymore (I have major insecurities about my body), but he assured me that he loved me and my body, and he didn't know why it happened. Neither of us were very sexually experienced and I thought it was probably just performance anxiety and told him it didn't matter to me, it didn't make me love him any less, and it would get better over time. He was really down about it though and bought expensive drugs for it without telling me. He never ended up taking them. It just came right. I'm pretty angry at the clinic who sold the drugs to him, though. A 20 year old guy in his first sexual relationship and they give him drugs after one appointment! Those people are often just out to make money. <br />
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I think it's important not to take it personally until you know what the problem is, because if your husband is, say, going through a lot of stress or has some physical or emotional problem, it'll only make things worse if you blame him for something he might not be able to help. Of course, it's also possible that the problem is a difference in your sex drives - you don't say whether he's satisfied with the way things are. If he's satisfied doing it once a week and you want it once a day, neither of you are wrong, you're just different, and it'll take compromise from both of you to work things out. So I think you need to talk to him, tell him you worry he's not attracted to you, find out if his explanation for things. Depending on his answer, it might be a good idea for him to get a check up at the doctor, or if things are more emotional, you might benefit from working on your relationship and lifestyle. Don't rule out the possibility that you play a big part in this either (it could be your perceptions that are unhealthy, rather than his sexual ability) - if you have emotional issues that you're bringing to the relationship (and who doesn't?), you might benefit from looking at how satisfied you are with your work, marriage, other relationships, and so on.

I completely agree with notseekinghookups. Age has nothing to do with ED. In many cases it is a result of medications and/or some fear of not being able to please because of physical (small penis or no positive body image) or an inability to communicate his feelings. Confrontation is not an absolute answer and certainly not anger. Merely suggest in an usual time of conversation that you were confused about what happened to the tryst that you both were anticipating last night.

It is very hard to be rejected on such a personal level. I took my husband's inability to make love to me incredibly personally, and he certainly jumped at the chance to make it about me. But, it wasn't and it isn't. In his case, he has intimacy issues coupled with untreated OCD, and he has a hangup about thin and young (which the OCD plays right into). I am not fat, nor am I old. I am in my upper 30s and look great for my age. He is going for treatment and we are going for couple's therapy. <br />
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The posters above are right, though. You don't give enough information to provide any good general advice. Is this only an occassional thing? Is it a consistent pattern? Have you talked about it with him?<br />
How long has it been going on?<br />
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You joined the group, so I assume this isn't just an isolated incident.

Well- the post does say " It hit really hard on me everytime this happens"<br />
So maybe it isn't the first time? Just guessing from the post.

Furrypurry- Did he WANT to do it? Did he try to take care of your needs? There is the physical component which can be outside his control. It is the intellectual/emotional attitide that (in my mind) defines the refuser. Had he said "I don't want to and you can't make me and why is it always about sex?" that would have been one thing.<br />
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If he wanted to please you and couldn't then your ego shouldn't have taken the hit.

Very true. If it is a one time occurence don't sweat it. I was assuming it was an ongoing problem. But weather we admit it or not every man at some point will have a problem. It's just normal & may have no real cause. If it is ongoing then it could be a physical issue that is easly addressed.

He could just be having problems with E D, Low testosterone or one of several medical conditions. That is easily addressed. He can see a urologist & he can prescirbe whatever he needs. Don't blame yourself. It isn't you. E D is a fairly common medical condition problem & has nothing to do with his attraction to you. If he has it, the worlds best known super model could try to seduce him with the same result....lol So it isn't an attraction thing. <br />
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But your reaction seems to be fairly common. Usually just because people don't understand. It looks like he may be young but that doesn't make him immune from E D, Low Testosterone or one of the problems that can happen. Many men will just suffer in silence because they feel like they are less of a man when it is really just a medical thing that can be addressed. Try to talk to him about it in a reasuring way & see if he is willing to get help. If so it should easily be fixed. best of luck.

He could just be having problems with E D, Low testosterone or one of several medical conditions. That is easily addressed. He can see a urologist & he can prescirbe whatever he needs. Don't blame yourself. It isn't you. E D is a fairly common medical condition problem & has nothing to do with his attraction to you. If he has it, the worlds best known super model could try to seduce him with the same result....lol So it isn't an attraction thing. <br />
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But your reaction seems to be fairly common. Usually just because people don't understand. It looks like he may be young but that doesn't make him immune from E D, Low Testosterone or one of the problems that can happen. Many men will just suffer in silence because they feel like they are less of a man when it is really just a medical thing that can be addressed. Try to talk to him about it in a reasuring way & see if he is willing to get help. If so it should easily be fixed. best of luck.

I can say one thing with 100% certainty, IT'S NOT YOU!!!<br />
Why is he like this? Now that's a bit more complicated. It could be a variety of issues stemming from the physical or the psychological.<br />
The first thing we, as victims tend to do, is to question ourselves. It's normal but, counterproductive.<br />
The problem is with HIM and he needs to address it. You can of course, gently encourage him in that direction to get the help he needs (if the gentle thing fails, hit him over the head with it - I had to).<br />
Step back, take a deep breath, look in the mirror and tell yourself - I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM HOT AND IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.<br />
Sadly, he probably does love you, though not in the way we would expect.