Fell Flat On My Face (figuratively), Nose To Nose With The Devil Himself (literally).

I'm learning no matter how much stronger I think might be getting, I'll never be truly safe until I'm completely free and untouchable from him and my own attachment to him and our past.
I'm humbled by how much stronger the memories of a mere 5 great years out of 20 mostly agonizing ones can so easily, effectively and quickly lead me to betray myself on so many levels, I can't even begin to count them.
Here I thought I've learned so much and made some pretty big strides in my journey for growth and change within myself over the past few months. It was almost too easy to move away emotionally and let go of hope with the way my H acted towards me and our relationship, I was really beginning to feel almost proud of myself and had even started standing up for myself and fighting back in protest against the games and manipulations. My goals were quickly shifting from fighting to trying to make it work at all costs, to fighting for my freedom and a new happier life of my own.

Well just when you're sure they don't give a damn enough to pay you any attention, guess who starts paying you attention. I guess the changes in me that I thought went unnoticed or were irrelevant to my H were very much noticed and not only relevant but down right scary to my H. He started to pay me more attention, holding my hand, giving me hugs even kisses. He sat down with me and started talking with me, telling me things like I want to make things work with you, I don't want to be with out you or with any body else, I want us to be a team and get through our hardships together. hmmmm collectively starting to sound exactly like what I've been saying to him for the longest time. Yes, I know it's pure crap but, it is feeling and sounding so good. One thing leads to another and we wind up in bed together. God I needed this, it's been almost a year since the last time and I plan to enjoy ever second of it I can. I ask him how it feels to which he replies "it always feel good with you Tra....." Tra? Dar? nope not my name, not even close, the look on his face was priceless, if his eye lids could open any farther his eye balls would of shot right out of his head across the room! He then looked at me I didn't say a word or even move. Logic kicks in. Quick processing. If I get all upset and irate that's not going to unscrew that pooch, just ME and it's been a while. it's not like I haven't already had strong feelings that he's been cheating, I simply couldn't find any real proof of it. So, he tried to continue as if it never happened but, what a mood blower, no way I could even attempt to fake my way through this, not even for my own sexual pleasure and needs. He sits up and starts going on and on about how he's done some pretty ****** things to me in the past but has never ever cheated on me, I just sat there numb and just kept saying O.K. to everything he said. The more this went on the more irrate he got. i asked him how in the world do you expect me to believe you when you treat me and our relationship like you do then tell me the other day you took me out to eat at a place I've never seen the inside of before and now this. NOW WHAT!? he exclaimed. I said the last time I checked my name didn't start with Tra... where did you hear that he asked? OMFG I just wanted to beat the brains right out of his head. I said right before you almost **** yourself. I know what i heard, you know what you said or does all your sexual encounters end with an I'm not cheating on you speech? Give me a break.. He jumped up was getting dressed to run to work right that second to get his signed time sheet and have his boss call to verify his over time. I asked him why are you getting so irate, if anyone should be don't you think it should be me? I'm not going all crazy, yelling at you acting like a fool why are you? Of course he never did go get that signed time sheet or have his boss call. He called me from work and explained even if he had done either of these, I'd never believe him and why embarrass us both by bringing his boss in to it. Then asks, can't we just squash this and put it behinds us? I wonder how willing he'd be to do so if I had called him Lar.... Ken.. Lar... nope not his name. Anyway, I called my Dad and asked if I could come stay with him for a few days. Then told my DH I'm leaving for a few days gather up your **** and be gone before I get back. He asked me how am I supose to cover the bills here and feed and house myself? I told him, he should of thought of that before distroying our marriage or maybe before deciding I wasn't allowed to drive or work outside of the house. Then maybe this wouldn't be an issue. Wish I could help you but, you've given me enough hardships of my own to try and figure out.

Our landlord lost the house to foreclosure back in April, the new owner can knock on the door at any time asking for back rent or for us to move. H hasn't put aside any of the rent or saved any money to move, hasn't paid the utilities in over two months so the only thing he's doing here is making me cry and hate my life. I'm going to end up homeless, in the dark with or with out him here. He can get to stepping.

Darby822 Darby822
36-40, F
8 Responses Jul 12, 2010

I can' t imagine how you feel right now. That's awful. And to try to turn his actions on you and by being angry. I'm glad you went to your Dads.. A safe place is where you need to be. Or yes your services department to help you out. I hope for the best for you. You're a strong woman to have dealt with this for so long, it's time for a new beginning that is all about you and the road to happiness!

This one takes the cake for most egregious - as VB said.<br />
Second place would be taking care of it himself without involving you and your needs.<br />
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But, to be cheated on AND being denied… what an amazing A-hole. I feel horrible for you.<br />
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I hope you find your way. And I hope his pee-pee gets chopped off in a freak blender accident.

I had read your first story when you posted it. I wanted to respond but your entire situation appeared so overwhelming, didn't know what to say. And for anyone who knows me, speechless is an uncommon state for me.<br />
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So today, I know what to say...<br />
<br />
Run, Darby, Run!!!! You are amazing!<br />
<br />
I nominate you for induction into the Hall of Fame of the Sexless Liberation Front...(not that we have one, but it sounds like time to start one).

Thank you so much meerin, I can get up there tomorrow and see what happens. Crossing all fingers and toes :o) let you know what happens.

Thank you so much meerin, I can get up there tomorrow and see what happens. Crossing all fingers and toes :o) let you know what happens.

Go to your local social services center. They can help set you up with an apartment, help you look for a job or with job training. If you need any more specific info, message me and I'll try to help. Sorry you got the unexpected **** storm.

Hi vegassbaby, I sure hope you're right about going up from here. As for him, I'm not too sure he could get any lower? My favorite is how he tried to make like I must of been hearing things. If he didn't say it then why the need to go in to the not cheating conversation? It's not like I had said anything about it to give him a reason to. I'm also glad he didn't **** himself, I was on bottom ewwwww. what I'm most angry at right now is while I've been fighting off the urge to have an affair, trying to maintain my own honor and trustworthiness all this time he's been off having a wiz banger of a time. Grrrrr Unfortunately my Dad's place is only good for a few days stay than it's back to wtf do I do now land? *sigh*

Hi maninfull, I'm trying to go, there's sure nothing much to look back for that's for sure. One slap in the face to many and a huge one at that.