Asked Him To Leave On Our 12th Anniversary

16 years together, 12 of them married and I just can’t take it anymore. Most of the 12 years has been sexless, including the last 6 years with no physical contact. I estimate the times we made love in the last 12 years at about 20.

I’ve begged him to see a doctor, a therapist, just do something. He insists it’s not me which I mostly believe, but I am overwhelmed with anger and resentment at his absolute refusal to do anything about it if that's the case! He says he wants to have sex, and we know he can because he jerks off to internet **** regularly, but with me he can’t get or maintain an erection. He insists he’s attracted to me and yet he hasn’t touched me for 6 years.

We’ve been to 2 therapists. The 1st one was 6 years ago and he just sat there for a year and insisted he had no problems, no issues to discuss. He quit going after a year and I continued on for 3 more years. I never told the therapist about the problem, because I wanted to respect him and have him talk about it. I wasn’t there to “tell on him.”

How can you recount 12 years worth of effort in one story? There aren’t enough words to describe how many times I tried, or the methods I used. How many promises were made that this time it would be different. He told me it was my fault. He told me it wasn’t my fault. He told me he’d do something. Months go by then years and he never does.

Then last fall I insisted we see another therapist or our marriage was over. He was honest with that therapist and then we stopped seeing him after about 2 months with nothing resolved. I needed DH to take responsibility for the solution and when an appt got cancelled because of a scheduling conflict, it never got rescheduled. And we stopped going. By now I really felt like it was his DUTY to do everything in his power to save his marriage. This was something he needed to be responsible for. He had to WANT to be there.

So yesterday on our 12th wedding anniversary I told him I was done. I’m done crying, fighting, feeling rejected, and being lonely. I can’t tell you how abused I feel and how I want to punish him for what I feel he’s done to me.

He thinks he’s gone for a little while and he can walk back into our marriage after he gets a ***** pill somewhere and it’s going to be all good now. But for me it’s gone way beyond no sex now. Now I’ve got 12 years of anger and resentment built up, not to mention major trust issues: I can’t believe a word he says. So many promises unfulfilled for so many years.
chickymonkey chickymonkey
41-45
8 Responses Jul 12, 2010

You are not alone...please read any of my stories because they are almost verbatim of yours and a few other commentators here. My former marriage sounds exactly like yours except that after 18 years I had finally filed for divorce. Our husbands sound like the same person. Not that your husband had the same refuser reason, but after I had left him, he had finally seen both a therapist and a medical doctor, and it turned out that he had suffered (and still does) long-term, severe, clinical depression, social anxiety, long-term intimacy issues, issues with self-medicating himself with alcohol and grass and a serious addiction to online *********** (he did the online part of this all day at work and used the company printer and stored (hid) the most incredible amount of photos stacked in our basement). Meanwhile, I went to work 10-12 hours a day and came home to a tired and grumpy man who never took me up on sexual advances. I even baked him effin cookies. I had always thought he had depression, although he refused to seek help and I begged and pleaded with him to seek help, but he never did; promised to, but never did. For 18 years I was made to feel as unwanted, undesired, uninteresting and unattractive, and whenever I would being up the lack of sexually intimacy in our marriage to him, he would get angry and say that it was all I ever complained about and he would even make me feel guilty for bringing it up. <br />
<br />
Geez, I'm practically re-telling my own story here...SORRY! But, please, read my story (s) if you'd like some insight or at least would like to know that you are not alone. And that it is not your fault.<br />
<br />
Good luck to everyone who has suffered the emotional abuse of a sexless marriage. <br />
Love Your Self : )

...oh and I meant to say, that the most laughable aspect of all, is that all our refusers think they have to do is finally be interested in us and that we'll forget the years of heartache and frustration, wipe the slate and come running to them ! Truly a breed apart from humanity,and as I am rapidly learning, all too common in the strange world we live in !

Well done for making your decision ! I did so too after many years of refusal by my wife. The fact that they refuse to acknowledge any wrong doing or blame is perhaps the hardest thing to take. When I left she never begged me to change my mind, she treated it like a big mistake I was making, insisted that I still fancied her and that she might give me another chance if I saw sense down the line !! Luckily that isn't going to happen because I have found someone else...a delightful, sensuous lady who is wonderful in every way and knows that intimacy is a gift to be celebrated !<br />
<br />
As a man I can to some extent understand why men use ****. They are afraid that they can't perform in reality a physical intimate act between two people, but divorced from intimacy and reality it is easy to go through the mechanics and climax this way. <br />
<br />
What is entirely NOT ACCEPTABLE is to do this with spousal knowledge and offer no explanation or be willing to discuss it at all. It shows a total lack of respect for the one person you are supposed to share everything with. You were I'm sure not expecting him to be a stud every time, just for him to express the love he says he has for you in a physical and considerate way.<br />
<br />
A mistake I also made was thinking me and my wife could talk about anything. We could....I would talk, she would listen, and then do absolutely nothing about anything I said. <br />
<br />
You have made a brave move...it is undoubtedly the right one.

CM-<br />
Many times after working all day I thought to myself 'this is going to be the night it all changes.' I would run home excitedly and make an incredible 3 course meal, pop a bottle of wine, get dressed in a slinky dress, hair, make-up, chocolate, the works- only to end up begging for it in bed to which I would receive the cold shoulder. But worse than that I remember the first time I woke up in the middle of the night after trying to create the 'perfect night' to find him ******* off to computer ****. It felt like the wind was knocked out of my lungs. I was devasted. What kind of man refuses his wife and waits for her to fall asleep to cowardly tip toe into another room to pleasure himself with ****. Words can't explain how my heart was crushed. Now years later, when I wake up and he's not in bed I don't even care.<br />
I'm sorry for your story I hope you figure it out for yourself. I'm afraid I'm of no help bc I'm still sleeping next to the 'Iceburg.'

I can't understand what is wrong with guys who spend all their energy on **** when they have a real human partner who needs them and wants them. How can pixels on a screen compare with the feeling of another person giving themselves freely to you, and you to them? It must be a serious mental problem.

OMG--and I thought I was at my wits end! <br />
<br />
I have a LOT of similar issues as you....<br />
1. husband watches internet **** & masterb<br />
2. refuses to take blue pill<br />
3. acts as if he is willing to change but in long run...prob not<br />
Mine won't go to therapy at all--so you are one up on me with that. I have not asked him to go for a while probably b/c I want to leave. <br />
Sometimes--there are just too many issues and too many problems. <br />
But if youre like me the unknown problems and issues that come with divorce can seem overwhelming and scary..<br />
Good luck--but your situation sounds as bad as me...

Getting the trust back is the most difficult thing. There's always this voice that says, "How long will this last?"

Chicky, <br />
You are doing the right thing by telling your unloving husband to leave. Actually, you are being too kind and generous. <br />
<br />
Men who jerk off to **** while refusing to have sex with their wives are poisonous. They should be chased out of town and ostracized in refuser colonies on the outskirts of civilization. <br />
<br />
The rest of his excuses just demonstrate that he is also evil and mentally ill.