It Angers Me!

I am about ready to go crazy on my husband. For the past week and a half he's been telling me he wants to have sex. This is the way he tells me "lets have sex, even if it's for five minutes". He tells me this while I am either A. doing homework or B. putting my kids to bed, as he goes to sleep before the kids and I.

I really don't understand the way he thinks or if he articulates what I tell him...

Everytime he tells me he wants to have sex, I tell him I too desire to be intimate with him, but the way he comes across with it is he just wants it right there and then. He does not seem to care to turn me on, or anything of that nature. I am to the point where I just feel like telling him fine, if sex is what you want then have sex with me even if I do not enjoy it.

I just don't know what to do, I've tried talking to him about it many times and talking does not seem to work for him. I tell him I want to be complimented and treated with respect and like a woman, but that doesn't get through his head either. I don't want to leave him. He is a great father, but I too have needs. Like I said, I could easily have sex with him, but it's not that what I want. I want him to make love to me and show me he really cares, not just have sex with me and satisfy himself. I just really don't know anymore and it angers and frustrates me....
JenRR JenRR
22-25, F
13 Responses Jul 13, 2010

There is a lot of reason to hope that he will mature. A lot of men do a lot of growing up between his age and 30 or so. <br />
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JenRR, put this in the context of what married life is normally like. Having no sex with your husband for two years is extreme punishment for his lousy-lover ways and it's not going to make him more full of the kind of love you're wanting to receive from him. Your behavior would seem to be reinforcing his behavior rather than melting the ice.<br />
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I would advise you for the sake of your marriage and your children to try to be a lenient in your attitudes toward him as you can. It's possible that he got his entire sex education from ****. Many men are genuinely oblivious to the fact that **** is altogether unrealistic and provides terrible sex education. Wives in marriages often do sexual things for their mates when they feel no desire of their own, and similarly with husbands who have disabilities that leave them unable to receive gratification, only to give it. Not everyone in a one-sided sexual situation chooses to view it as "using," and I would not assume he perceives it that way.<br />
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I would suggest you get some sort of e-book on how to be a great male lover for him. The e-books out there actually seem to me be better than what's on amazon.com. If you're interested, I may come back and make a recommendation.

He is 24

How old is your husband?

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions....I have spoken to him about counseling, and have told him if he doesn't feel comfortable with that then we should discuss it between ourselves first. I am very outspoken and tell him exactly what I need and want, but when it comes down to intimacy he avoids the topic or listening to me, but yet when we're in bed he wants me to have sex with him at his convenience, I may sound like a refuser (which I understand I am under these circumstances) but I don't feel I deserve to be treated this way. He only wants his needs met, and I have done it this way in the past just for the sake of our relationship, but I don't feel I can do so anymore...I need to know he desires me, and not just wants me to satisfy him with nothing in return....

I'd agree with Yemanya about the value of counselling - if you haven't tried it yet. There may be two different things goinf on here. Firstly, your husband is being manipulative and after two years of refusing you sex and physical intimacy, is now trying to force you to reject him, which eans he can accuse you of refusing him, as he has done to you. Secondly, and this is provides more hope, your husband is a poor communicator and is unable to articulate his needs, which makes bringing up sex difficult - and he overcompensates with being demanding. This can be addressed, if he is willing. Counselling on recognising each other's needs, communication skills and a realisation that more fulfilling sex can be attained with enhanced intimacy and a sense of deep connection and a willingness to be vulnerable with each other may help. Best wishes.

You are not unreasonable for wanting a mutual, reciprocal loving / sexual relationship ... your feelings are legitimate. I hear your plea for INTIMACY and connection - it is more than the act of sex. Just because he has an itch doesn't mean he's trying to get closer to you-- however, maybe he is and it is certainly worth exploring. All that said, you have to figure out how to move forward. If you and your H haven't tried it already, marriage counseling may help as it may be an avenue for talking in a safe place about each others needs and the like. Best of luck!

Please take AnnaKarnina's posting seriously. <br />
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Every serious marriage expert I've ever read says playing the reward and punishment game with sex is the wrong way to go in marriage.<br />
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I suggest you take some time and find a good book or article (or maybe multiple sources) that explains in a gentle fashion (not with stinging feminist war between men and women kind of rhetoric) what a typical woman wants from a man in the bedroom. There is all kinds of material of this sort available. Tell him that it's very important to you that he read it and take it to heart. It's not guaranteed to work, but it's worth a try. Best wishes.

Jen, I know you're mad at eternalhope, but do put yourself in our shoes. My husband doesn't even want ANY intimacy, no sex, no hugs, no kisses, for YEARS. If he had wanted sex, i would take it as at least the first sign of a thawing, and I'd be glad to please him just to re-establish some closeness, some connection again. Although we try to make an effort, to talk a walk together once in a blue moon simply to try to "connect", we end up more like old friends than lovers. In that sense, your husband wanting some sexual intimacy is already an enviable step closer to what most of us have from our husbands, and it is punishing. It kills us, it is a slow dying. If I were you, I will take the sex as a step closer to establish some connection with your husband again. When the thawing starts, perhaps he will be more open to pleasing youin your sexual needs.

Jen, <br />
You have clarified your position. It sounds like your husband quits as soon as he gets an ****** and then leaves you dangling. That must be awful to endure. Your husband is not being a good lover at all. You have every right to be angry. <br />
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Rest assured, the world is filled with men whose primary goal in sex is exactly to get the woman to climax. Dump your unloving husband before you lose your mind. If you lose your mind, you will not be able to be a good mother. <br />
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Shame on your husband. There is nothing wrong with you at all. You are normal and you are suffering horrible abuse.

Hi Jen<br />
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I think the first sentence in your previous post helps clarify things, I know when we try and get all our feelings out sometimes we can skip pieces of info - the first post mentions a week and a half of your husband pestering you - so forgive us for jumping to the wrong conclusion.<br />
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That said... my husband, back when he did initiate (years ago) did the exact same thing - he would actually lie there on his back with his eyes closed and expect me to 'do him' while I got no eye contact, no touching...well basically nothing. You're right its not acceptable to not be pleased and you deserve more - welcome to ILIASM... it's not a great place to be - but there are some great people here!

i HAVE NOT HAD SEX WITH MY HUSBAND IN ALMOST TWO YEARS. HE DOESN;T KISS ME, TOUCH ME, HUG ME OR ANYTHING OF THAT NATURE. <br />
HE HAS BEEN TELLING ME FOR THE PAST MONTH (IN TWO YEARS!) THAT HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX AND EXPECTS ME TO JUST "PLEASE HIM AS HE NEEDS IT". <br />
LET ME SEE IF I UNDERSTOOD YOU CORRECTLY "ETERNALHOPE", YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT I NEED TO TAKE THE TIME TO PLEASE MY HUSBAND?!<br />
I UNDERSTAND YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE YOU ARE WANTED, BUT I DO LOVE MY HUSBAND AND WANT TO BE INTIMATE WITH HIM, BUT NOT AT THE CAUSE OF FEELING AS IF I AM ONLY BEING USED. I DO NOT WISH TO ONLY PLEASE HIM, BUT WANT TO BE PLEASED AS WELL....<br />
DOES IT ANGER YOU OR ANYONE THAT I TOO WISH TO BE PLEASED. PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES, I AM ONLY 22 YEARS OLD AND AM FULL OF LIFE, BUT I FEEL AS IF LIFE IS PASSING ME BY AND ALL I AM WORRIED ABOUT IS MAKING EVERYONE HAPPY...<br />
I CAME ON THIS SITE AS A LAST RESORT. AND IF YOU ALL WANT TO CONSIDER ME THE REFUSER IN THE RELATIONSHIP FOR HAVING NEEDS THEN GO RIGHT ON AHEAD....

eternalhope, why should she just have sex with her husband if he isnt going to do anything to please her? From what I read she wants to make love to her husband and for him to give her pleasure not just himself, what is the point if it only about him and not her too. As a woman shes longing for that conection between her and the man she loves. We need to be turned on too.

I'm sorry, but you DO realise that this group is for people who don't have sex for years and years because we're married to people like you!!!!!<br />
I'm sure you have your 'reasons' but so do all our spouses.<br />
Take a night off from all your other chores and make that man feel special. Then, tell him how you feel and work out a compromise.<br />
You have a man who wants to touch you and be intimate with you. Don't push him so far away that you find him here!