Not Sure How I Am Supposed To Feel

Ok, so we had sex yesterday. One would think this would be a cause for celebration, but I am troubled.

I had to do all of the initiating. I guess I was so stunned that she was letting me do this at all that I didn't think of stopping. We finished up and I rolled over and she snuggled up next to me - the first time she has done that in 4 months.

Now normally at this point, I am usually experiencing some form of afterglow mixed with affection for my wife. But this time - nothing. I enjoyed it physically, but emotionally I didn't feel anything for her after it was done.

This hasn't changed my concerns about our relationship and quite honestly, I think it was pity sex (she had been gone all Sunday on her own and felt bad). But I am troubled about the lack of feeling. Anyone else been thru something like this?
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9 Responses Jul 13, 2010

Pity sex is worse than no sex. It seems just like another thing they can cross off their to-do list. And they think it will get us off their back for a while. Evil it is.

Yes, often. Sad isn't it.

I worry that this happening to me as well.

I used to say to her that it wasn't a singular sexual encounter I was holding out for,but for sex so regular that I all but took it for granted ! I felt that this was what she owed me after years of very little indeed. The point shortly after which I left the marriage was when I realised that she would be willing if we were away for a weekend or on holiday, but not in our own house, (because of unresolved OCD issues) and that this would be the story for the forseeable future if not forever.....the irony being that on our dream weekend away she was on her period ! It was such a pathetic situation I actually had to laugh that it could have come to that. "People have sex all the time!" I used to say to her "for fun !". I realised at this time that even if we had sex again, I wasn't even feeling it anymore, she had killed everything I like about it, spontaneity, adventure...<br />
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When I was leaving she promised me the earth of course...she was "just starting to feel sexual again" (TEN YEARS after the birth of our child) but I realised that I just didn't need her anymore. She thought I would come panting like a good doggie, but she miscalculated the time it would take me to find love elsewhere (it just happened ! I know, that's what they all say!). All of a sudden the crumbs she was throwing me didn't matter any more. I think she was completely non-plussed that I didn't need her....her power over me had evaporated, her games were well and truly over.

Research has proven that men like the surge in testosterone they get when talking to a new woman. I found out Steve had low testosterone, and that was why he wasn't interested in sex. Could there be a medical reason? Endocrinologists can run tests and help with this. When he takes it, he's like a teenager again in his sex drive. Just something to think about.

Bah. I am not sure it helps to dwell on who initiates. We are not playing " Who smelt it delt it. " are we? <br />
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I think if you and your spouse love each other, you would not even notice who initiates.

same here, I wanted sex but I see that he does not have any interess... if I initiated he might do it just to avoid a tipical conversation "why we dont F**?<br />
so since the last horrible time 2 months ago I decided never ever try it again with him, because is never good, I need sex but not the kind he can give me. I have to move out.

I'm there now. I posted a story about it awhile ago. I don't know how to feel. The connection is gone and I just wonder why he's touching me, how long it's going to be this time and I just can't get my head or emotions into it.

That isn't surprising at all. You can't go for months feeling disconnected, frustrated, and rejected and then have those feeling chage after one night of sex. This is a seldom discussed topic here, but it should be. My husband has not initiated in 8 years. We did have sex more frequently in the first few years of those eight, ONLY because I initiated and did everything. Sex became either a forced routine that he usually didn't want, and eventually it became so unfulfilling and it took so much cajoling that I basically stopped trying and that is when it ended pretty much altogether. Definitely been over a year and the year before that maybe only two or three times in that year.<br />
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There is sex and their is INTIMACY where you feel connected to your partner. Sex can be mechanical but intimacy isn't. <br />
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If your wife is willing to try and reconnect with you in this way, I would strongly suggest sex/couples therapy (find one who does BOTH & has training as a sex therapist). You may be like me, and not really ready to reestablish physical intimacy into you heal through the hurt and rejection caused by your partners long inability to be physical in the relationship. This makes perfect sense. You can want to reestablish the sex and intimacy but the damage caused by the long term rejection of a partner is NOT healed with one romp, and engaging in sex without addressing your own hurt and feelings, one can end up feeling worse then not having it at all.<br />
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Sorry your going through this...

For me, that's never happened after connected / loving sex.But it happened every time in my (limited) experience of casual sex.