Husband Not "interested" In Sex

So glad I found this site! Helps me feel not so alone. I'vebeen married for 3 years, I love my husband very much but sex has been a problem since the start. When we first met we had sex about twice a week, I wanted more but that was still fine with me. Three months in and the sex just stopped. I would try to initiate, but I was always rejected, him saying "maybe later" , well later never came. Now I'm about to explode, we havent had sex in almost 2 years and when I talk to him about it he just says that he isn't interested, that he hit his peek at 18 and now he's too old(he's 11 years older than I am). He says it's not me, he says that he'll try to be interested, but nothing ever happens. Since I am tired of being rejected, I don't even want to try and touch him. It's all just too painful. I've suggested doctors and sex therapy, but he says no way to all of that. I feel so stuck, I don't want to live like this anymore. He's loving and I try to enjoy all the things I love about him. We're bestfriends and spend all our time together, but not having sex just makes me feel like a roomate more than a wife. I feel the closeness that sex can bring is so vital...but I'm not looking just for sex, I want sex with my husband. I have no desire to cheat, but I am getting the sinking feeling that I may have to leave him and that is so hard to imagine. I've been reading through peoples experiences and I have to say it is all a little depressing because seems like our partners are inconsiderate, non-caring and selfish. From a lot of the post I read it seems like there isn't much hope for the relationship to last....I know my thoughts are all over the place, hopefully I made some sense. It's just really nice knowing that there are people out there reading this and completely understand where I am coming from. I always wonder, is it shallow to leave someone you love over sex? I;m torn because I love him, but thats whats killing me. I love him so much I can't help but to want him sexually and it's absolute torture. I just don't want to be anymore angry, bitter and disconnected and unhappy than I already am.
puffs28 puffs28
11 Responses Jul 13, 2010

Im 21 and been married nearly two years. Your experience sounds just like mine. My hearts breaking and I'm so confused because we get on great, we cuddle all the time and hold hands but I feel like a roommate. I've tried telling him this. Thought i was alone till i found this site. I want a family in the future. How is that gonna happen if we can't even have sex? I'm at my peak and I feel like he's cheated me out of the years I should be having wild hot sex. But I only want that with him, I want him to want me back, but I can't force him to feel that way. What am i meant to do?

I feel like I relate more to your post than I do any other. Like me, it seems like you want nothing more than to have wild passionate woopy with the person you love. Like me, you're best friends with your hubby and still enjoy time together but not in the sex department. You're right, alot of people are really quick to tell you to leave on this site and it makes it even more frustrating. Why can't we hear every once in a while " maybe you should have his testosterone levels checked" or " sex therapy really helped us!" you never hear that on here. I think alot of people will let the sizzle go for way too long before they want to seek help; by that time it probably is too late. But can I please suggest that he gets a full physical? And have his testosterone levels checked? I have read a post where the male admitted to being sexless due to his health issues that were eventually fixed and he was back to a horny man. If not that, maybe a good therapist might help. Maybe your husband has become insecure with himself. Maybe he feels guilty for something and cannot get past it. I really hope you and him try other options first, it sucks to start new with someone else. Especially when you have invested so much with someone.

I guess I empathise with your situation.

Personally I think leaving a relationship over "just sex" is not relevant in ILIASM. Sexlessness is never, IMO, just about sex when it occurs in a marriage or other serious relationship. . . . <br />
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If a relationship was truly excellent in every respect, sex would automatically be a part of that. If sex is missing, it is a HUGE absence in a relationship which naturally impacts on intimacy, self respect, self esteem, etc. etc. etc. <br />
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Puffs, your situation is seriously sad because it seems highly unlikely your husband is, by nature, interested in sex. I would suggest that your chances of a "normal marriage" with this man are slim at best . . . . And you are still very young - and deserve a real life. I'm assuming you have no children - and in fact I hope that is true. Because I truly believe your only chance of a genuinely happy and fulfiulling life is if you leave this man and start again.<br />
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I know how seriously difficult it is to do this if you love someone - and I personally do NOT agree that a sexless spouse is necessarily someone who does not love you. IMO he may well love you dearly, it is just that his form of love does not include sexuality - and your's does.<br />
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Take your time to decide how you wish to proceed - but please don't fall pregnant until / unless you have truly and satisfactorily resolved this situation.

Well, I told my husband tonight that he either had to start living up to his word about working on our sex problem or that one day I'll have to go. Told him I don't want a divorce, but I can't live like this either. He is sooooo pissed at me that he won't even talk to me and asked me to sleep on the couch. Said he'd talk to me when he got his anger under control.<br />
I have no idea whats going on in his head and I know I won't sleep a wink tonight. I guess I'm afriad he'll choose to not work on things and I really don't want that. Still, I had to tell him because I just couldnt' hold it in any longer. I tried to be loving when I talked to him, but some of my anger did come's was terrible. Guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

GADude, <br />
You are right. All I am doing is encouraging newcomers to critically reconsider their assumptions. <br />
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My assertion that " Your refuser spouse does not love you. " is extremely bold and unverified speculation. I just think that it is the best first assumption to make for us who are denied the truth. I have a hard time believing that our suffering is endured in the context of love. <br />
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In the hypothetical situation where my assertion is actually wrong, then I think newcomers to our club should consider that refuser-love has very crazy limitations which DIRECTLY cause our suffering. The quicker newcomers understand that, the better, I say. Our love is taken too much for granted and we suffer as a result of it. Too many of us are trampled and made to feel like we are the problem. That must stop. <br />
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Newcomers need to realize that the refuser's capacity to love is not much more than my capacity to love Elvis, my pet cat, Kraft dinner or rock and roll.<br />
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By the way, I really REALLY love my pet cat. I do. Seriously, I love her a lot. What does that tell you about love??

Thanks for all the input, it really helps. I know my husband loves me, in his own way. And I do know that I can't live like this. I feel I deserve more. Sex for me is vital, I need the connection with him and if he's willing to be this cruel to me then I know I have no choice but to leave. That thought kills me, but I don't see what else there is to do. Sorry we all are going though such a terrible thing, but I appreciate all the advice and thoughts, I'll take them all in with an open mind.

Puff, <br />
Your husband does not love you. <br />
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No, it is not shallow to leave just over sex because your husband's refusal to make love to you is an act of cruelty. Everybody in the world knows that. Only a few have the courage to confront and admit that truth. <br />
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Leave your husband and take strength in the fact that from this point forward, you will be walking in the march to defend human love and dignity. <br />
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Remember: <br />
Many years ago, otherwise normal people thought slavery was normal. They were all blind to the cruelty they endorsed. They were blind to the evil they perpetuated on normal black families. Now, we know it was evil. <br />
Many years ago, otherwise normal people thought battered wives should stay with abusive husbands. Now, we know abuse should NOT be tolerated. <br />
Today, we look back and hang our heads down in shame. Sometimes, the rest of the world truly is mad. <br />
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You are a modern day slave and abuse victim. Many years from now, NOBODY in the civilized world will ask the question: " Is it wrong to leave over sex? "

. . . . . " always wonder, is it shallow to leave someone you love over sex?" . . . . .<br />
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Personally, I think it is. But,<br />
I think you are really thinking of leaving over a matter of being disconnected / lack of intimacy / not being appreciated / respected / loved etc of which sex is a vital component.<br />
If it's not fixable - and my time here in this group suggests it's not fixable usually - then that is a very different matter.<br />
Departing a relationship that is failing to meet important needs is in no way shallow. It is far more shallow to stay in such a relationship living a lie.

I completely understand where you're coming from - I'm in a sexless marriage (once or twice a year?) and I am not interested in just having affairs. I'm sorry to tell you though, that things are likely to get worse - can you live with it if you don't ever have sex with your husband? I don't have good advice for you, as i have been trying to figure out what to do for 7 years now. Like you, during the early years, I hoped that it would be solved. I'd rather the marriage improves, but it hasn't.<br />
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But it is great that you're best friends and loving towards eachother, that is much more than most marriages.

I'm a male and have the same problem only i've not had sex with my wife going on 3 and a half years now. I also dont wont to cheat but things are getting quite desperate now.