"i Knew What I Was Getting Into"

Here is my story such as it is...When we met he told me he had a problem with the fact his foreskin wouldnt go all the way down and that sometimes sex was painful, so I was gentle and we talked about it and he promised that if it became a problem in the relationship he would seek medical opinions on what could be done to help. It became clear over time that he wasnt too interested in sex and although I was a bit disappointed everything else in the relationship seemed to be working. After 2 failed long term relationships where sex had been fantastic, but that had drained me of cash, energy, self esteem and pretty much left me emotionally dead this seemed a small thing to put up with. If I wanted to do it he would oblige, but it never got him off and he wasnt willing to try new positions form the "climb on board and go nuts" scenario so I got more and more bored and disappointed and my attempts to initiate what usually ended in disappointment got fewer and fewer.

I knew he watched a lot of **** before we got together and I knew he *********** a lot - by his own admission 5+ times a day and at work sometimes. I told him the **** made me feel a bit uncomfortable and that I would happily meet any needs, desires or fantasies he might wish to have fulfilled and no matter what they were. I loved him and I wanted to please him, pleasing him made me happy and the mutual aspect of sex is what does it for me.

He had a female friend online who worked on a project related to his company and they talked constantly on MSN and the phone. I was jealous I admit it freely. All major decisions were run by her, her input into our relationship was often used by him to decide if I "were right or wrong" in a situation. I hated it, I suspected he was having an affair, but when I brought it up he got angry, said I was out of my mind and said I had no right to tell him who he could and couldnt speak to.

We got married in the July that sparked things for a little while. Then they died down again. The following April I had a virus on my pc which wiped all my files and so went on his pc to find the wedding photos so I had copies again. imagine my joy whenh I found sex conversations he had saved with this woman saying "I want to keep my sex life separate from my married life" and "yes well, she wont do that any more" (which was a big fat lie - he never gave me the bloody opportuinty!). To couple the sex conversations they had been writing **** stories for each other and she had sent him naked pictures. Then I found the naked pictures from the two american woman he was "friends" with and the massive stack of ****.

When I confronted him about it he was "disgusted with me" that I could "invade his privacy". He did not, nor will he still accept what he did was wrong or cheating. I thought we could get through it, initially. I decided that although we had been married less than a year maybe it was a bump in the road and we could get by it. We decided to be "open and honest" and that was when I discovered that he had been using **** to fulfill his sexual needs, whilst rejecting my advances and finding excuses to get me out of the way so he could watch ****.

We had many conversation over the next 12 months, he told me he needed ****, that my views were prudish and unbalanced. After a time he said that he didnt want to hurt me any more and that he wouldnt look at porna dn that if he was horny he would approach me and let me help him out.

Our sexual relationship was then one of mutual ************, I have never been able to finish him off despite his protestations that "it's him, not me" I decided to settle for that, I loved him, what else could I do? He stopped leaving "used tissues" in the bedroom and lounge waste bin. He had the decency to delete the **** sites and attempt to cover his tracks on the pc when he trawled the internet, he even removed his **** from the hard drive. (rightly or wrongly when I am mad at him I check his PC so I knew he occasionally still looked).

So once again we stopped having sex of any kind and he said he just wasnt interested in sex at all. It has the same importance to him as "driving to work" So ok, he doesnt want sex. I'll have to live with it.

Last night he tells me he has been looking at **** and ************ up to 4 times a week. Every time in the last 4 months I have made an advance he hasnt wanted to know. The fact that he did it behind my back is my fault because "I made him feel bad about it". When I tried to tell him I need more from a sex life than "you sort yourself out i'll sort myself out" he said I had known form the start what he was like, that he had never liked sex and thought of it as something to be done alone. He isnt willing to include me, he doesnt want to talk about it and "you knew what you were getting into".

So I am left this morning looking at my future. I am 38. He expects me to put up or shut up and can't understand why I am making such a huge deal out of all of the above. I feel trapped and lied to, buthe is right, other than sex every other area of the relationship works. I am financially secure for the first time in almost 20 years, my kids have good schools, I have a nice house all my basic needs are met. I am beginning to wonder if I AM the one with the problem. I am so confused most of the time. Is this really what marriage is supposed to be? Am I supposed to feel this broken hearted? How can you say you love someone and make them feel like that?
Bogwhoppit Bogwhoppit
10 Responses Jul 14, 2010

straightandwide, I think you may have it wrong. She is willing to participate in his sex life, he is the one witholding. I think it is just a control thing. I would say get out, and go and find a normal man, IT DOES NOT GET BETTER, IT GETS WORSE!!

"After reading a little into your post I wonder if he is just a high sex drive partner"<br />
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S&W, in your marriage it was your wife who had the low libido. In this relationship, the poster WANTS and desires sex with her husband but he neglects her for ****. I think the two situations are totally different.

You are young and you don't need him. Wash your hands and find someone who deserves you. Cheating is unacceptable, no matter the circumstances.

Sorry that you are going through this. You have said exactly what you should have that you would meet any and all of his fantasies.... what a lucky man, sadly he does not seem to deserve it.

None of this is your fault. You sound like you have tried harder than I would have. I couldn't agree more with AnarChristian and I think everyone on here is trying to tell you the same thing. This addiction your husband has is HURTING you. Until he wants to end his addiction it will run his life and there isn't anything you can do to fix this.

Ditto to what others said. he probably has a p o r n addiction. Until that is addressed nothing changes. Like with anybody addicted to anything they say I do this because of you. WRONG. They have the problem that needs to be addressed. That stuff really warps your perception of what sex is. I had a neighbor who had the same problem for a couple of years & it made it impossible for him to have sex with his wife. After he stopped (& I mean really stopped not lying about stopping) & after time to reshape his mind they started back with a normal sex life. BUT he didn't spend years lying about it, having online affairs & the many other things you mentioned. The problem was addressed & fixed. Big difference there.

Have had some experience with a spouse with addiction issues. (And it seems to me that the **** here is, or bordering on, an addiction)<br />
Addiction comes first, everything else comes 2nd or worse. That includes you, unfortunately.<br />
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Until the addiction is addressed - and that may never happen - the situation doesn't change, indeed it may get worse.<br />
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Seems you have been doing all the 'compromising' in this dynamic. Unless he starts to 'own' his part in it it is hard to see how this situation can ever meet your needs (which are entirely reasonable IMHO)

One more important thing: The title of your post is 100% WRONG! <br />
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You did NOT know what you were getting into because your husband lied to you. The freaky foreskin thing is a lie. You know that. <br />
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Now, start walking in the direction of the truth.

Bog, <br />
Your husband does not love you. He is psychologically abusing you and he does not care. <br />
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You think you are old but you are not. You are young enough to stand up for your dignity and your normal desire for loving sex with your husband. <br />
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You have to leave your lying husband.

I do think that it is difficult for a real life spouse to compete with **** and fantasies, because, obviously, we're "real". Is it possible for you to let go and enjoy the same fantasies that he does, and meet him half the way sexually in his fantasies, whatever they may be? Don't feel bad if you can't, as it takes two, and he should care about your feelings about sex as well. If the other areas of your married life are good, a sex therapist might help you work something out as a couple.