Am I Becoming A Refuser?

My wife and I have been married for 13 years and have followed a somewhat typical pattern. We went from "can't keep our hands off each other" to "can't seem to touch each other. my wife had been a refuser for almost 10 years. Somewhere around the 1 1/2 year mark she mentioned that she hates giving oral s** and that as a married woman she shouldn't have to do that anymore. Over the years she has gradually told me of other things she hates like: she no longer likes to receive oral, only does it because i like it, she doesn't like to kiss (because she has a thing about bodily fluids) etc, etc,.

So where i was previously content with making all the advances, and just hoping i get lucky (which only seemed to happen once every 5 weeks or so), after hearing her gradually tell me that i have been a mercy f*** all these years I am now completely turned off! She is incredibily beautiful, has a body to die for, and is still the most gorgeous woman in the world to me. i just don't feel like having s** with her anymore.

At one point she would be the aggressor at times, and now? her idea of initiating is "letting" me see her naked for a couple days and wait for me to "make love to her". I have shared with her how much having her "make love to me" means. Yet she will only say that she can't bring herself to do it (well she had no problem being the S** kitten before we married).

i know I'm rambling, but for the past week she has been moping, and making these outrageous comments of how she is now "stuck" with a husband that won't make love to her?

have I really become the refuser now?
geedub333 geedub333
36-40, M
7 Responses Jul 14, 2010

A lot here hit the nail on the head. Your reaction is very normal. Ask anybody here who has endured many years of refusal how they feel about their spouse now. Her statement that "I don't have to do these things (oral etc) now that we are married" is very telling. She basicly got what she wanted then ignored your wishes once she had the papers. We see a lot in this group of what some call the sex bait & switch from men & women refusers. As soon as they get what they want, be it marriage or whatever then it becomes about their needs, wants & desires & ignore the same of their victim. <br />
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Now she is starting to feel some desire & then blames YOU that she isn't getting what she wants. Typical that they never see the role they played in your desire being shot. I guess how could they see. It has been all about their needs for so long that they still only see what they want. Sad but common thread. Best of luck.

Sounds like she still has a sex drive, but just has completely lost her intimacy (at least for you). Kissing, oral, and other acts are very intimate. What many of us learn here is that it isn't about sex, but it is about intimacy.<br />
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Those that never or very rarely get sex will comment that others are so lucky that they get sex. But sex without intimacy does not work when you are in love with someone. You find that something is still missing.<br />
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What you are feeling is very normal. What you are missing is a feeling of intimacy from her. Your desire is for that woman that use to have that. So the fact that you do not desire this woman without intimacy makes sense.

So sorry for your situtation. I think it's better to be out of the relationship than to be a refuser. Denying yourself something as basic and special as sex in a marriage just doesn't help it at all. Not having a full and healthy relationship with your wife is not what a marriage is suppose to be about. You've just been so hurt that the thought of having sex with your wife is a turn off. Thats a sign of some serious pain. Hopefully one day you'll be able to open yourself up to her again, but it takes time to heal. Hopefully she'll treat you well, take the time to inspire that spark so you can be turned on instead of off.<br />
Hang in there, wishing you the very best

Geeb, <br />
You are a refuser but your wife still is too. See how she still refuses to take responsibility for the lack of sex?? Let me guess: she will tell her friends that you have a limp **** but she will never tell them that she had a frozen ****** for ten years. <br />
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Regardless, I consider your type to be the most valuable member in this group. You have the insight and empathy of all sides. I also have a theory about our membership that some of us here complaining about being refused are people like your wife. They are the direct cause of their marital sexlessness but they do not see it that way. Too many peculiar stories here. <br />
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Keep posting. Your contribution and your commentary may be invaluable to the future of mankind.

"I also have a theory about our membership that some of us here complaining about being refused are people like your wife. They are the direct cause of their marital sexlessness but they do not see it that way. "

This is HUGE. Can any of us really say we've seen it from our spouse's side?

Interesting isn't it ?<br />
With some people it's like having a Ferrari in the garage - all buffed up, tremendous performance capabilities.<br />
But rarely driven. <br />
The owner likes to show it off, have it admired. But has no interest in exploring what it can do. Even if the owner deigns to take you for a ride, you are not to touch the upholstery, fiddle with the knobs, switches etc. As far as letting you have a drive - forget it !!<br />
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(Give me a 15 year old Ford clunker - where the owner knows what it will do, loves to explore it's capabilities, will show me what it can do, and wants me to have a drive, any day of the week)<br />
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I think you have decided that the Ferrari is too high maintenance. <br />
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To me, that's not refusing<br />
. <br />
If you were being asked to go for an adventurous drive in the Ferrari, and share the driving, - and you said no - that would be refusing.

I wish I had the power you now have. To actually be in control of my sex life instead of at the mercy of my wife who couldnt care less about it...wow. I dont think you are the refuser..she made the bed (or in this case refused to get under the covers)!

She's pissy because she can't make you dance like a little monkey and salivate over her "allowing" you to touch her. I wouldn't call you a refuser for that.