I Didn't Expect It To Be Like This

I'm a 27 year-old woman, been with my husband for 6 years. The sex has kind of fizzled out. We have sex once a month maybe less. I know you have to work on these things, but believe me I have tried. He won't really talk about trying anything new in the bedroom. He has a low sex drive, and I have a high one. I guess we are just incompatible sex-wise. I love him to pieces but miss the raw passion of sex. It's not supposed to be like this - the woman is supposed to be the one who denies sex!
sally27 sally27
26-30, F
14 Responses Jul 15, 2010

Hey Sally,<br />
Like some of the others have said, this is a good place to be. I've been learning a lot about the same problem I'm having with my wife. <br />
I don't think that applying leverage to get your man in bed is a good idea as some have suggested. Sure you can threaten him or trick him into sex, but I probably don't have to tell you that not much hollows out your soul like having sex with someone who hates it. I've come to the conclusion that some people like your husband and my wife, simply don't like sex. I don't think it's any more complex than that. You nailed it when you said "sexually incompatible". The question then, is what do we do now? <br />
How is your marriage otherwise? Is he generally happy? You say you love him, so I'm guessing other than the sex issue, things are OK? That's a situation I can relate to. The problem is that he continues on content, and you grow more discontent. It doesn't matter how much you try and convince yourself this is insignificant and shouldn't matter, it's going to get worse. That's experience talking. I've been fighting this for 10 years, and only recently realized I can't win. I hate that one single thing is stressing my marriage to the point of breakage, and she's essentially oblivious to it no matter how much I try and discuss it. Sound familiar? Keep in touch,<br />

myke thinks we just come off the truck all dumb and stupid. Put on lipstick and make his favorite meal and other bullsh!t like that and you will get laid..............where do people get this sh!t? Do they not see we tried it all and that is why we are here?

How many kids do you have? Do you argue alot? Have you put on weight?<br />
Kids needs take the place of the husbands wants.<br />
Don't expect to argue most of the day and then go to bed to a receptive lover.<br />
Seriously, men make love with their eyes first. Are you taking as much care of yourself as you are taking of the children?

go ahead and hit the clubs workin it in a tight leather mini........only difference is don't go home with any of the dudes. Instead make it look like you did. Give him play by play detail what some well hung brother gave you. This works best if you can get a spritz of some sort of men's cologne. Nothing like crawlin into bed with your man smellin like u just been with someone! A two buck bottle of the stuff can be had at any discount store. Be prepared though to see your sh!t tossed out in the lawn as you shamed him to the core!

I think you are saying that the sexlessness is driving you crazy, and it especially hurts because the conventional wisdom is that men want it as much as they can get it. Well, that is conventional wisdom. On EP ILIASM, you'll find about as many women as men suffering from lack of intimacy. <br />
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I think you hit on it "he has a low sex drive, I have a high one. I guess we are just incompatible". Maybe it is just that, he isn't into sex/intimacy/affection ... you have different needs. That is something you'll need to figure out. Read around here and continue to write. Best of luck!

Maybe its time to do more experiment on doing the sex....or should we say you just fond of being his company as companion?

Just give him an ultimatum:<br />
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Either he gets down and dirty with you or you will go out and get it elsewhere!<br />
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Put a time limit to it - give him until the next Friday, if he does not get on with the job then put on a miniskirt, ditch the panties and go sit on a bar stool, say "yes" to any guy that looks good to you. Then go home and describe to him what happened in detail.<br />
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Just apply a bit of common sense about safety!<br />
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If no man makes a pass then ask yourself: do you need a to do something about your own appearance? Maybe you need to join weight watchers or visit a beauty consultant?

Oh sally27,<br />
If I could turn back time, I wonder what my life would be like now. Do not deny yourself intimacy ever. Maybe there is more to your husband's situation then sex, it could be a myriad of things. However, what you feel now is just the tip of the iceberg. Once you plunge into that deep, cold sea of rejection, it is so hard to be saved. My advise, talk to someone whether it is a good friend, a therapist or someone here. Do what is right for you and then your marriage.

All she means is that it is more common for a woman to deny sex historically, perhaps biased by male point of you, thus the stories of female frigidity etc.

All she means is that it is more common for a woman to deny sex historically, perhaps biased by male point of view, thus the stories of female frigidity etc.

I really feel for you. I'm glad that you found this group when you did. I didn't find it until I had already began to hate my husband. The constant rejection combined with emotional abuse has just been too much. You need to express that this is a serious problem for you and that it really could end your marriage if you can't work things out. justanewid is right, it is likely about something much more then sex and you really need to get on top of it.<br />
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Good luck.

There is no suppose to be - it just is. I'm sorry for you.

Well you have a lot to learn and you have found the right place to do it. There are no answers. You will just need to educate yourself in what is going on and then make your own decisions on how to handle it. I will tell you though, that while you think this is about sex is something much more. This is something you will learn in time, whether it is from reading and participating here, or just through many painful years that are to come.<br />
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I suggest you start here.

Nobody is supposed to deny sex in marriage.