Breaking Co-dependency

So much of what I have done with my husband in this sexless marriage has been a cry to get his attention and elict a reaction.

He is away this week, and usually I am the one who calls and checks in. If he does, it is only a brief moment. This is a reactive space for me because I want him to miss me. I want him to realize that I am important to him. But, he is GREAT at taking space. It is his comfort zone. It has been two days and no calls. I thought he might call if I didn't, but that wasn't the case.

Lately, it has been one long exercise in turning towards myself and other support systems to get my needs met. My birthday is this week, and though I would love to think that he might actually do something to remember it (besides a pathetic obligatory phone call) that isn't going to happen. I have made plans, and I plan on turning my cell off.

I am learning that this man won't/can't/doesn't want to/whatever meet my needs, even the most legitimate and reasonable. Not calling started as a manipulative tactic but it has turned into not turning and seeking out from him what he can't give. It is a healthy practice. I need to learn to do it. It is horrible for me to turn to someone who isn't available, hoping for connection, reassurance, and yes, love from someone who can't provide any of it.

And, I am sitting with my feeling of sadness over this and my loneliness and my grief.

I need to stop seeking out from someone who can't give. It is that cycle more then anything else that causes pain. It is difficult to sit with and change the dynamic, but there is nothing else left. I want things he won't/can't give. I have been like a bird flying over and over and over again into a clear window pane, not learning, trying to go through what is not open but blocked.

Breaking my co-dependency is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do in my life. In fact, I think it is the hardest, it is such a deep core issue. But, I will be getting a lot of practice over the next few months.

Opportunity. Move towards it, not into a solid surface that smashs my heart.


rosedl rosedl
41-45, F
5 Responses Jul 16, 2010

Way to go. That's excellent. Most of all have a happy birthday. This way of thinking can free you up to do just that. :-)

I am in the same situation as you. I just recently realized, after it was suggested here on EP that i am contributing member of a codependent relationship. sorry to be cliche, but acknowledging that this an issue for me has been a step in the right direction. in the couple of weeks since, a lot of things have happened. and my spouse now is fully aware that i am not ok with the way our intimate relationship works. <br />
<br />
draw your line, speak your mind and tell the truth. The truth hurts, but it's who you are and that's not a bad thing.<br />
Good luck in getting what you're after. :)

I couldn't empathise more! I, too, am realising that I need to get my life back on track. No-one else can do it for us, but (if we are lucky) we have friends/family who will support us, as we seek out a new way to live our lives. Good luck to all of us, who are unfortunate enough to be in this dark, lonely place.

I'm so sorry. <br />
Once when my husband was neglecting me bad. I got to a point where I was crying out to God saying I can't do this anymore!!<br />
Well my husband overheard me crying and told me sorry he hadn't even noticed that he had been neglecting me! Things did get better after that. But there are times when he can become neglectful again:(<br />
But I know the feeling it sucks!

Rosedl, you are on the path, find strength in yourself and your friends. You are stronger than you know. Each day of resisting to call, to ask of, to need from your H is a triumph. And each day you do it, makes the next day easier. Rely on friends and family, refocus on the things that YOU enjoy (if you don't remember, re-find them). One foot in front of the other, and be honest (keep telling the truth). Best - Y