It's Not F*cking Fair

I saved myself for the man I wanted to marry - not for religious reasons but just for myself - and I ended up marrying a man who is completely uninterested in sex. How did this happen? At the beginning he was very much into it. For a brief while, I even felt pressured about having sex. We would fool around but never actually do it and I think the restriction made things really exciting.

Finally, on the night we got engaged, we did it. This was the beginning of the end. The dynamic of our relationship *very* quickly became me begging and him refusing. He became emotionally and physically neglectful and he would take attention but never return it. Now it's 13 years later and I am miserable. He's on the internet looking at other women but can't be bothered to look at me. He doesn't want to talk about it and, if we do, nothing comes of it. Sometimes he cries, sometimes he pretends that he'll take some sort of step towards fixing the situation but it never happens. I am angry and miserable and resentful all the time. I have been trying to numb my feelings with food but it doesn't help. It only helps me to feel more complacent with my miserable life, like it's just not worth trying to make my life better.

I'm so angry that I waited for him. I'm so angry that I've given up my sex life for the rest of my life in exchange for nothing. I spent my 20's feeling rejected and unloved and now I'm in my 30's and I feel like my chances for happiness are slipping away forever. I'll never cheat (I believe that cheating is wrong no matter what) but I fantasize about having a fulfilling, passionate romance with a young, strong and healthy man. I've wasted my life on his constant need for attention, his selfishness, his bad moods, his insecurity. I'm so tired of being so unhappy all the time but I don't know what else to do. I'm unemployed and have no savings. I can't afford to go live somewhere else on my own and, even if I could, I don't know that I'm strong enough to do it. Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up.

jejune jejune
31-35, F
5 Responses Jul 16, 2010

Wow...reading your story is like reading my own life. Exactly the same!! I see you posted this last year and hope you found what was best for you. Good luck and like Mistakemaker comment said --Make plans for your future. God made our bodies to share with your husband or wife but when that is not happening in your bedroom than it is best to walk away. Again Good luck.<br />
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Its a shame that these men are very selfish with their spouse. In the end they will be the ones suffering and getting old alone.

I too ended up in a similar situation and have asked how? and why? In the end it doesn't matter how we ended up where we are - it only matters what we're going to do about it. I will leave my husband in four long agonizing years when my children are a little older. It is hard to keep going each day, but I know that one day I'll be free of him and my happiness will return. Don't give up on finding happiness - make plans for your future.

There are many reasons why sex is less often, eg illness or stress. But I would be worried if it never happens at all.<br />
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Marriage counselling, where the both of you go together and sit in a room with a counsellor, can be good if you loose your way. This way you can try and sort things out, rather than straight away decide that it is over between you.<br />
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If it is a personality thing, then I dunno how you are supposed to change that. If it is some sort of depression, then things could change and improve between you.

im not trying to be mean ....i am young i don't know alot about this im only sixteen, but see a consuler, it really helped me with my problems or better yet a marrage doctor<br />
good luck!<br />
my best wishes<3, andi

I think you just need to know that there are people who will listen to you talk about your pain. I have no clue why these dudes play bait and switch. An affair would be delicious at first as it would temporarily scratch that itch. You don't want though to become a ************ toy for some loser single guy who has commitment issues. Why the **** else would he just go after married booty? In effect, your guy cheated on you. He is withholding. He changed the terms of the arrangement without your consent. Aint no way kiddo that be cool in any universe.