Thinking About "why"

My husband just came home from work.  I was in the kitchen, finishing preparing something for dinner before heading out to pick up my older daughter.  He was very pleasant, as was I.  But I couldn't help thinking..."what the hell is wrong with you?"!  We have had discussions about being in the marriage for the finances and the kids and that being it.  But, I know he's not getting intimacy and/or sex elsewhere (unlike me).  So, I felt like asking him (but didn't), "do you just not care if you ever have sex again in your life?"  My thinking is, we're both here for however many years more, what would be so bad about having sex once in a while?  Believe me, it's not like I'm lusting after HIM, just lusting!!  He won't have his testosterone tested...saying he *********** so he must be ok!  It's just so frustrating living with someone who claims that they just don't desire YOU...and that there is nothing wrong with them.

I recently responded to a forum where the question was is it important to know "why"...I said that I would try not to dwell on the reason why, since it's impossible to really know for sure and that I would use my energy more effectively to move myself forward.  How difficult that is! Why does this weigh so heavily on me and so many others in this group?  Why can't I just accept the situation for what it is, continue my search for an affair and be happy enough with that?  Why dwell on the rejection?
goldilks goldilks
46-50, F
16 Responses Jul 16, 2010

Hi Iselflove, thank you so much for your words of advice and concern. He actually is being treated for depression and takes a lot of meds for it...I know that the drugs do affect his libido...at one point he was willing to admit that, now he doesn't...he just says he's not attracted to me, doesn't love me "that way" anymore, etc. That's the frustrating part. He is not depressed because he is on so many meds, and he has a tendency to always think he's right (a man thing!)...I could go on and on. Anyway, I do see a therapist and she is somewhat helpful. When I read other stories here, I realize my situation is really pretty tolerable...it's just that one hopes for more than tolerable!

Goldilks...I'm sorry, you didn't say he had a medical condition; I was THINKING it because it sounds like he has untreated depression. Sorry I wrote that part, it was my mistake.

Goldilks...it sounds like you might want to leave him if only you had more income. If I'm wrong, I am sorry. If I am correct, I am sorry that you feel trapped. I have three ideas to offer and they are only ideas; not suggestions. It may be helpful to you if you find a therapist to listen to you and to help you stay emotionally strong. Opening yourself up to an affair could be dangerous because it could emotionally hurt you even more than you already hurt, and/or you could get an STD from a stranger. I'm not judging you, I'm only saying that it might make you feel better in the short term, but in the long run it could make you feel even worse. Lastly, the money issue is a tough one. If you decide that you really want to leave your husband then you should...we only get this one life to live and we shouldn't settle for less than we deserve...and that goes for you as well as your husband. If the house is sold then both of you will have money to support you as individuals; maybe, it depends on the equity in the house. It sucks if money is the only reason you two are together, and him having a medical condition only complicates it more. If you decide that you want to see a therapist, it will probably be covered by health insurance; most do. Maybe they will be able to give you some options or good advice. Take care and good luck. I realize the situation you're in is an unhappy one and that you're frustrated and disappointed with your marriage. I wish I had a magic wand.<br />
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Hug

Iselflove...we are in a situation where finances are tight enough running one household, there is no way we can consider divorcing and trying to go it alone...we have two kids that will be going to college in a few years. We have openly discussed this and it is sad but true...it is not an unusual situation. I don't know whether I still love him, I guess in some ways I still do. But he is not there for me and I need that in my life. I realize that having an affair is not the ideal solution, but it's the best one I can come up with for the time being.

I've been living in a sexless marriage for almost 7 years now. I didn't know why he didn't want to have sex with me until I caught him having phone sex with someone 7 months ago. It turned out he was also doing cyber sex with others as well. Nothing has changed since that and it hurts me to know he would rather have sex that way than do it with me. I also wonder what the hell is wrong with him. Now our marriage still looks great on the outside( we just had our third baby) but absolutely empty on the inside. I cried every night and he asked me if it's so bad to live with him. I wonder....

With all due respect, you said that you are not lusting for him; just lusting. Are you still attracted to him? Are you still in love with him? Do you feel loved by him?<br />
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You also said that the two of you have discussed finances and the children. Have the two of you ever had a heart to heart discussion about your sex life and sexual intimacy? <br />
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My opinion is that you deserve more than a sexual affair, and he deserves someone who is still attracted and still loves him. Staying together and being miserable does neither of you much good. I believe you should question the 'why' and find out what the elephant in the room is. Only then will you both find out what is wrong. <br />
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Hug and Good Luck

Hollynadine .. some of the sexless marriages are older than you. If it were a matter of taking time away, having diner, candles, lingerie.. heck we'd all be having it in spades (those on this site). This is the land of nothing has worked, tried, tried again. Hope you never end up here. Read around, learn the warning signals. <br />
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Goldilks -- totally understand, except that my way of dealing is reframing my marriage as platonic. And similarly upside down (crazy), my H claims he does want me .. uh but ... the reality is no different than yours. Best!

No, I know he's not thinking about men. He looks at pics of young thin women...(even in his best days, he wouldn't have gotten women like that!).

Janeybaby, that's a good question. I guess I'd be pretty annoyed if he was getting it elsewhere. But I just dint get his total lack of interest.

I have only been married 2 mos and our sex life is declining so fast that...well I googled and ended up here. What was once the best sex ever1-3 times a day is rapidly declining. I get a pity **** once a week. Its like he said 'I do' and left his sex drive at the alter. For goodness sake he is only 22! I hope it gets better....in the mean time I bought a toy....honestly it just isn't the same. An affair this early seems just sad.

I left mine. I saw this online though and saw many others were going thru the same thing I did. I had questions. I am still in the healing process.

Thanks, I know there's nothing I can do to fix the situation. I just find it astounding that he says there's nothing physically wrong with him and yet he seems content to never have sex.

If you knew the why, you could 1. Try to fix it or 2. Simply understand that this is nothing that I can fix and not carry the burden anymore.

its something that can not be put to rest .You want a answer ,medical reason or something because what ever reasons he gives you , you know in your heart are bullshit.Mine used to also associate a sparkling house and meals with his sex life.Made me think do you care about food and appearances more than you care for me?.I pointed out that he is not my ideal person either but does not mean i deprive myself of sex with him .

Exactly Meerin...it's a slap in the face!

It's hard to not dwell on something that you have to face every day, several times a day. I'm sure you're not ASKING for it several times a day, but for me, every time I see my husband I'm reminded that I can't touch him, every time I see a couple touching or dancing or laughing, I'm reminded that we don't do that. It's slapped in our faces at every turn.