So Is It Me?

I think I might have just turned into the refuser. I am not sure how. All I know I want nothing more than to be touched by my husband, make love to him. I definitely don't want to refuse my husband. Except in his eyes, I just did.

It has been another dry spell for us. We have made love once so far this year, at the beginning of April. Apart from the drinking and working 12 hours a day he also started having ED which turned our sex life from barely there to almost none existing. He got his first prescription of Cialis back in 2009.

As so many here I am married to my soul mate. I also tend to walk on eggshells all the time. For some reason we can't communicate as today's example will make it crystal clear to anyone. He is the most wonderful room mate. For the last 2 months he has been working even harder than before. They are very short staffed at his work and he is pulling 70 hour weeks.

So about a week ago I finally had had enough. I broke my "no touching first rule" and initiated kissing and touching again. So today he was going to go out and run a quick errand when he said he was also going to get his prescription of Cialis filled. That is where I ****** up. Thinking about him and how stressed and tired he is I asked him if he was sure. If he was sure this was not going to be putting even more stress on him. That I did not want to add to his plate. That I am o.k. if we kiss and fool around only for a bit. (we never do that either). First try to reconnect on the physical plane without the added pressure of "it".

Major screw up on my side. Of course he did not pick up the prescription. Pissed as hell at me. I swear I only meant well. I tried to explain to him why I reacted the way I did. I asked what do I not understand. And he said "there is lots you don't understand." I asked him to talk about this. But he doesn't want to talk about it. It is done for him right now.

And I am mad and sad and confused and not sure where to go from here.

cassandra11 cassandra11
31-35, F
8 Responses Jul 17, 2010

Your welcome Cass. I guess the name does work as I haven't had any problems. I originally came to this forum to learn ways to cope with S M. Unlike many though mine is caused by a serious illness on my wife's part. In some ways it is better I guess. She isn't mean, cruel or just unloving. She is a kind loving woman so for that I am grateful. That's one reason I came up with the name. I didn't want others to get the wrong idea. As it turns out I don't think I needed the name. Just didn't know when I signed up..lol I haven't found the coping answers yet...lol

Skippyboy you are right. It is the elephant in the room and I want to talk about it and he just gets mad and angry if I try to. I am also often wondering if he wants to make love at all. I guess that's where the saying "actions are stronger than words" comes to mind. He will verbally tell me about his desires for me and his wants for our sex life but he doesn't follow through on any of it. How can you honestly tell someone that you desire them when you never have the urge to hold them or caress them or grab them or undress them with your eyes? <br />
notseekinghookups, first does your name help with all the junk mail and ridiculous offers? Thanks for your answer<br />
pittylover it sounds like we are in a similar boat. But my husband wants to make sure I am satisfied first. It is really important to him. At the beginning we never talked about our likes and dislikes and now I am to shy to change that. I have asked him questions before but he doesn't want to answer them so then I don't feel right talking about myself either. It's like a merry-go-round.

I don't know if it was a matter of handling things wrong. Whatever it was don't beat yourself up over it. Life is a learning experience & even when we are wrong we learn & move on. I'm not saying you were wrong at all. Lord knows I make my share of mistakes or mistakes. We all do. What matters is how we react to them. Do we allow anger or pity to take over or do we learn & move on? Just make peace with yourself & be the best you you can be. IT is all we can do. :-) best of luck.

Hi Skippyboy,<br />
I hear you. I've been refused and denied so many times in 27 years that we now sleep in separate rooms (my choice) and it's been more than two and a half years since we last had sex. <br />
It took me 25 years to realise that sex just isn't important to her ..... I must be a real slow learner or just wishful thinking or plain lousy in the sack. <br />
So now, I feel like we're room mates and nothing more. <br />
I can't look at her naked any more and leave the room if she starts to change her clothes. Recently, I've been getting more and more annoyed at things that I would have otherwise laughed off of not even regarded as noteworthy.<br />
I doubt I'll ever initiate any kind of intimacy toward her for fear of more of the same.<br />
This is a train wreck waiting to happen ..... hope it's not too bumpy and messy.<br />
I wish you well with your new relationship.

"Why can we not talk about our sex life?" is a totally pertinent question, and one which troubled me for years with my STBX. We both have the power of speech after all ! I assumed that being married we could talk about anything. WRONG ! It only took me 20 years to realise that she doesn't WANT to work things out, she doesn't actually want a sex life anymore, what she wants is my salary to keep a roof over her head, and for us to settle into sexless middle age just like her parents did. It is not in her interests to work anything out, because she doesn't actually want it or need it anymore (if she ever did). Once I stopped trying to go endlessly round in circles I realised that I had wasted far too much of my life trying to find an answer which didn't exist.<br />
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I used to believe my wife was my soulmate. Then I realised that a soulmate who refuses to communicate about sexual problems is not a soulmate at all. In many ways for me it wasn' t the `refuser' behaviour which hurt me as much as her repertoire of avoidance techniques and meaningless reassurances to keep me in the game. With the right person sex is EASY.<br />
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Yes, he has ED worries, so do I...but it hasn't stopped me participating in lovemaking with the new woman in my life....as you well know there are many wonderful ways to please a lady and I'm sure you would be delighted with any of them. For you, your partner's ED is not the `elephant in the room' that it is to him. Maybe there's a way to make him understand this ? I know that this is exactly what you were trying to do, but don't feel bad at yourself for the way it came out.He is backed into a corner by his own problems and probably felt his only option was to lash out.<br />
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He is probably very worried about his ability to function right now, but as you say, there is no excuse for not being able to talk it through. Instead he'd rather pretend it wasn't happening,and that it isn't important. I wish I knew what the answer was too, but in the end she rejected me so many times that I didn't even want her anymore.

Thank you drycreek and enna for your answers. Both of your answers are exactly where I am right now. <br />
One minute I am thinking that sex has been minimal for 7 years now! He has always used any excuse in the book. For a long time now I never get the feeling that I am desired. I have to initiate. And I not once turned him down. This will be like Christmas for him. You didn't want me to......... I get really mad just thinking about it and wonder if he not purposely misread what I was trying to say. This was really convenient for him. I get even madder at the fact that I know that he will use this in the future.<br />
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On the other hand I truly think I ****** up with being concerned, wanting to give him a "break". It would come across that I assume sex is a hardship for him. Major **** up on my side.<br />
I wished communication would be better between us. Why can we not talk about our sex life? Why have we never been able to communicate about it? For crying out loud we have been married for almost 8 years and he has no clue what my turn ons are, nor do I know his.

A bit of tough love here - this is NOT your "fault". You were being thoughtful and sensitive. His negative reaction is HIS responsibility. He is probably feeling guilty and chose to see your comments as criticism of his performance . . . . <br />
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Well, that is partently ridiculous! Your tone, your words, everything you said would have indicated your loving concern. If he chose to misread that, HE is the one with the problem.<br />
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Now he can "blame" you for HIS failure to act - as in "I didn't buy the Cialis because you didn't want me too." That is RUBBISH - and he knows it. It is just a peg on which to hang his continuing refusal. I bet if you had said "That is a good idea, dear" to his suggestion of buying Cialis, he would have refused to do so because "That is all you ever think about - sex"!!<br />
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I know it sounds tough but you need to calmly tell him that you are not responsible for his choices. If he chooses to see you loving concern as rejection, that is down to him. You know you meant well - and you might point out to him that he knows this to be true too. He is simply choosing to blame you for his actions.<br />
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If you keep calm, unemotional and refuse to get angry or upset, you might yet get through to him. He will probably bluster, and rage, and try to make YOU feel bad . . . just ignore it.<br />
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I know it is much easier to say this than it is to do it, but in fact it really is the only way to get him to see that you are not to blame here. Whilst ever he can make this issue "your fault" in some way, HE does not have to take responsibility for it. If you just calmly refuse to accept that responsibiulity, he MAY come to realise that this is something only HE can do something to fix . . . Good Luck!!

Cassandra - I wouldn't call this refusing, but you're definitely over-thinking the situation. There would have been no harm in him filling the prescription to have on-hand at a minimum, and yeah, I'd say you screwed up by debating it, which also made his ED a point of discussion. If he's like most guys, he'd rather pretend he doesn't have this problem, let alone discuss it.<br />
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A far better reaction would have been to say "why don't you take one on the way home from the pharmacy.". Since you know he was on his way to fill it (I.e. Passed the test of taking action to fix the problem) before you interfered, perhaps you can redeem yourself a bit by getting it filled and lovingly letting him know that you weren't trying to push him away.<br />
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My two cents,<br />
DC