Is This The End?

I am a 50 year old married woman withering on the vine.  My husband is a good man but has serious health issues.  We have small children and I would never consider leaving him.  I feel like I'm losing my mind.  We haven't had sex in several years and I just don't think I can do without passion and great sex one more day.  I miss kissing the most.  I would love to meet a nice man in a similar situation but haven't been able to find someone who is a gentleman.  I'm not interested in comments about the morality of the situation.  I've struggled with this decision for many years but I feel like I need to take control of my life to become healthy and whole.
Olivia713 Olivia713
51-55, F
11 Responses Jul 17, 2010

My wife has long-running health issues, that take a toll, but... the kissing stopped long before that. I have searched my soul and slowly become dead certain that the cold wall between us is not her disease talking... it is her emotions talking. Her disease does not prevent her welcoming me in her embrace.<br />
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To a casual glance, I am a total heel for going behind my sick wife's back, but... I am the one living in this situation, and I see going outside as the least-bad option for all concerned. I don't think she has the right to snuff out intimacy and connection from our marriage... and I don't think I have the right to sink the boat my family is riding in just so I can "make a clean start". So I too will be taking control, at least of this part of my time on earth, and hoping for the best not to hurt innocent people.<br />
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It'll sound self-serving if I say there are good men out here, so I'll let what the ladies have said stand. We *are* out here, maybe just hard to find. I always envy women the reported 100:1 M/F ratio at places like AM, but perhaps 99 of those guys are selfish boors... I wouldn't know. There's still the 1%, and I can't imagine you won't find him if you keep quietly looking.

I can remember being sexless for one month then one year and now I turn around and it has been eight years. That is even scary for me to write. We have been married 27 years and my wife’s health began to go downhill in 2002. I was active duty army then and began deploying to Iraq. I deployed in 2003 and again in 2006. It’s hard to believe we did not even make love on my departure or return from either deployment. Her struggle with first a hysterectomy in 02 then diagnoses with internal abdominal scaring in 2005 has kept her busy at her new hobby, visiting the doctor. I believe she has Munchausen syndrome and gets her attention from visiting doctors and having sugary. I am retired from the army now and working in my second career. Life is busy, the kids are gone and we continue to walk around each other like business partners instead of the romantic crazies we were for so many years. Oh yea we use to party our *** off, come home and romance untill the sun came up. Of course we are older now but its just not right to stop all together. I have always kept in good shape and she has not lost her beauty to age either. It’s just that her interest for kissing, holding sex or even sleeping together completely disappeared. I am beginning to feel that at 51 I will never experience sex again. I can’t imagine ever visiting a prostitute but I do look for eye contact among women my age at the gym or around work. So far nothing has sparked but I can imagine a scenario where I engage in a intimate conversation and then we move on to satisfying our needs. I have been so very faithful throughout our marriage. With all the travel I did in the army I certainly had opportunity in the past but I never cheated. I am ready to take that leap now.

Olivia713,<br />
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Just so you know, they are LOVING, DECENT, HONORABLE GENTLEMEN out there. I left my marriage after 18 yearsof virtually no sex and no sexual intimacy; he had untreated depression. It wasn't easy to make the decision to leave, but I made my decision and am now and forever with the man of my dreams. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but know that there are good men out there...don't settle for less.

I can sympathise, am on the opposite side of the fence though. My wife not in the least bit interested in sex, could happily go the rest of her life without it.

I completely sympathize with your situation. My marriage has been sexless for one year this month. She wont touch me, kiss me in any way, shape or form. She is very religious and has no sexual feelings or desire. She gets very agitated if she catches me ************ so I even have to sneak around with that.<br />
I feel your pain

I can sympatize myself. I am in a similar situation due to my wife's ill health. The big difference is we do still kiss & she does other things as well. So similar but different if that makes sense. Personally I decided against the affair route but don't knock those that do. Each has to make a decision that is a fit for them. Also unlike so many here my wife does what she can & isn't cold towards me at all. <br />
That being said finding a "real gentleman" will be quite the challenge. It hard enough to find single people that fit into that catagory......lol... I'm not saying you couldn't ever find it but I would imagine it will be tough. Don't know the answer just wanted to say good luck.

I sympathize with you totally. I am a 45 year old woman whose husband is impotent due to ignored diabetes, on top of which I have endured emotional abuse. I have not had sex in over 6 months. I was recently in a situation where I got a massage from a very attractive man that turned sexual- the most intense passion I have ever felt in my life. I refuse to feel guilty about it. However now I am feeling periodic waves of depression from thinking I will never have passion like that again (even though this is probably not true). No one should ever judge you for being human and having needs- don't you dare let them! My heart is with you.

Do you think that he would grant you an open relationship? Some men with health issues are open to the idea of letting their loved ones take care of their physical needs. Then again, some people do not see them as "needs" but more as "wants". I suppose it is what it is depending upon what side of the fence you are sat.<br />
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No judgements in this community... half of us have considered an affair, some of us have taken the plunge and only the moralistic need to remember not to cast aspersions (or stones). Be happy!

"I'm not interested in comments about the morality of the situation", hits home to me. I felt exactly the same way when I finally went outside my marriage and consumated the love I found with a friend from over the ocean. It felt great, and I don't mind saying so. To feel like a man again, to turn somebody on and realise that I am not a bad lover after all, to be told that my touch is just right, well was worth all of the guilt anyone can throw at you. <br />
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Only you know the true situation, and if you know your husband is capable, but will not turn his mind around to considering your needs, then I say go ahead and find it where you can, you don't get a medal for being faithful. I was faithful for 25 years, it got me nowhere other than total frustration and the very real prospect of never having intimacy again. Then I met my new love and life started anew. <br />
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I still think that maybe meeting someone through `normal' life is better than internet dating, although it sure as hell isn't easy, I know that. It's still no reason to go on feeling this way. <br />
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I think what you're saying is that more than anything you need to be desired and wanted, and if your husband has to be forced into it, then you don't really want it on those terms. That was how I felt with my STBX wife. Hand on heart, I think she could have lived without sex for the rest of her life as long as I was there to put a roof over her head.

I am sorry that your husband has medical issues. This must be a sad and frustrating issue to deal with on many levels. <br />
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You said that you would never consider leaving him. Is that because he depends on you so much, or is it because you love him and you feel love from him? I hope that the two of you can work things out and I wish you well. <br />
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I'm not judging you on your need to have an affair, but my opinion is that unless he suffers from complete immobilization (which very well might be the case) and cannot physically move his lips to kiss you or use his hand to hold yours, then there is a serious issue. A kiss can say everything and having your hand held can speak volumes. I realize, firsthand, how devastating it is to be refused sex and sexual intimacy, but I believe that one has to either accept it and carry on or find it unacceptable and move on. <br />
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I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

Thank you for your comments. It does help to talk to someone without judgement. Before his health issues became acute, our sex life was spotty at best and totally without intimacy (kissing, touching, etc..). I do love him but he is very distracted by his illnesses. It's all consuming. He has tried medical intervention but it didn't work and even if it did, he just not a passionate person. So, no, kissing stopped a long time ago. And I disagree...I have tried the married dating sites and sadly, there are no gentlemen out there, just some scary and insincere men. Wow, just typing that makes me feel hopeless.