Love Does Transcend Lust...

It doesn't matter how much i try to explain it; it always comes back to people not understanding. I love my wife, very much and i cannot leave her.  But when i comes to sex, well, it just doesn't happen. She doesn't want it, doesn't desire it really. Its like computers and a geek's passion for them. most people don't really get the passion that drives them to learn and do more with a computer and if you aren't one of those people you really can't relate. Her being sexless is like her not being a geek, she can't relate, she has nothing to compare it to.

That is not to say that she doesn't enjoy it when it happens.. or used to anyway. For her nature dealt a truly cruel blow. Suffice it to say that the change of life made trying very painful for her, and not just painful at that time, the pain afterward lasted days. Doctors have been useless, and she doesn't fully grasp the problem this causes for me anyway. Like i said she has nothing to compare it to.

And because she doesn't desire it or even think about it unless i bring it up, it never occurs to her that inside i am bubbling away. What am i going to do; remind her that i am a sexually active male, everyday? what and hurt her more by reminding her? that is what it would do, would be an emotional battering ram and how could anyone do that to the one they love? you can't because that would be abusive, and torture. So what do you do? Remind yourself of the real reasons you feel the depression, the uselessness, the lack of something.  And remember it isn't her fault. I mean what more can you do when everything else about that person is a perfect fit for you?
dovertn dovertn
36-40, M
8 Responses Jul 18, 2010

@reflections:<br />
<br />
What is love?<br />
“Do you love me because I'm beautiful or am I beautiful because you love me?"<br />
<br />
<br />
wow

These comments are honest, non-judgmental, and sincere.<br />
<br />
A marriage is alike to a business arrangement.<br />
We agree to live with another person ... most of the time the relationship starts with a genuine feeling of like and love for this person ... <br />
<br />
We accumulate material possessions ~~ at first it might be a toaster and a microwave and "the bed" .... then we may or may not bring children into our world .....<br />
<br />
We rent an apartment or buy a house .... we have joint checking accounts ... hopefully we have financial stability ... we go to work and we come home and we go to sleep ... Somewhere over the years .... intimacy can be lost ... we either accept or reject the concept that we are no longer living the married life we want to live ... We settle or we seek another sexual companion .... <br />
<br />
The marriage vows have been broken ...our spouse did not agree to having sexual intercourse with us when we needed and wanted it .......but now we have woven a life together ... a material life consisting of possessions. We don't want to get a divorce because then everything will change .. we want to stay married ... we "love" our spouse ... <br />
<br />
What is love?<br />
“Do you love me because I'm beautiful or am I beautiful because you love me?"

Just an observation from reading the many posts and comments from members of this group. Often when someone writes that everything else is wonderful, I get the sense that the writer feels that sex or rather the wanting, craving of sex is somehow inignificant when compared against everything else. Just to add some context - my spouse has on several occasions when we have had 'the talk' - and you'll learn about 'the talk' - stated that she cannot see how one can feel so unhappy over 'just sex', or even leave a relationship which has friendship, stability in finances, activities and interests, kids, relatively low debt, etc.... because one aspect is lacking. Its not 'just sex' really. Its intimacy and openness, acceptance of one's sexual nature and its the single defining difference which identifies a spousal relationship - the dimension which defines this relationship - being lovers. So, please consider, do you really feel that everything is well (apart from sex), or is something intrinsic missing, which you feel uncomfortable acknowledging?<br />
Be well.

"I mean what more can you do when everything else about that person is a perfect fit for you?"<br />
<br />
OK. Maybe u need to take a really uncompromising look at your situation. Merely to establish if "everything else in the garden" is truly as wonderful as you reckon. If, after this frank and honest look at your situation you TRULY believe it is as you have described, then you can do your sums.<br />
<br />
Merely suggesting that the Column of "Good Stuff" might not stand up to a rigorous examination.<br />
The Column of "Bad Stuff" might have more in it than you might think.<br />
<br />
If you do have a really honest look at your situation - and find it truly is as you presently think it is, you "lose" nothing. You might find that things are not as you presently think they are. <br />
<br />
Can't hurt.

Tough as it sounds, eventually ALL of us have to recognise that we have a CHOICE. For many reasons (often very good ones) many people here feel they have no choice - but that is actually not true.<br />
<br />
Sometimes the choice is between ****** and ****** plus - only you can know which side is better for you. The important thing to do IMO is to be fully aware about the outcomes of both choices - so you can make an informed choice. <br />
<br />
If all else in your marriage is wonderful and you choose to stay, then good for you. Just be aware that sexlessness is such a BIG thing that it can mask other problems and inadequacies. . . If you are certain this is not the case in your marriage, then your choice to stay is made with all available information. Good for you - I hope you can find happiness in your choice.

Agree with Goldilks, there are many beautiful ways to be intimate if she WANTS to be,but I get the feeling she doesn't really want to be. Of course you wouldn't cause her pain by having intercourse if it's painful for her, but there are ways to feel wanted and loved on both sides which will keep you happy. My wife refused sex after the birth of our child which was of course fair enough, she needed time to heal...however, I thought ten years was pushing it a bit. There were of course other reasons, but as she never did me the honour of discussing these I never found out what they were.

You are in a very difficult position and I admire your ability to understand your wife's issues and still love her. However, is she intimate with you in any way? If her problem is the pain from intercourse (and there's nothing the doctors have to treat this?), she can still be intimate with you in other ways. Total lack of intimacy would suggest other issues.

Your analogy of sex and computers threw me off a little bit. PCs and Macs are not an essential part of the life process. If you went your whole life without touching a computer i doubt that you would anguish over it even if you did for a little while and we became a pre-industrial society all over again, you would adapt and survive. Sex is part of love which stems from an emotional desire to be "intimate" with another human being. Sex is also a reproductive process which keeps making more and more babies on this fragile shelf we call earth. <br />
<br />
I understand your plight and how you love the person she is and that she has a medical condition that prevents her from having sex (i assume this has been verified by doctors and you have seen the results not just talked about it). <br />
<br />
You are not torturing someone expressing what you desire, love affection and tenderness. They say that passion burns out after three years in a relationship but there are many who rekindle the spark and remain happy for years. <br />
<br />
I suppose you will just have to find some way to divorce yourself from your sex drive (meditation, rock climbing, etc) and I wish you a happy and un-frustrated life, though by coming here and sharing your story you are obviously not a happy camper.