Unsatisfied

I've been married for three years now. My husband and I met five years ago online. We had a bumpy start (I dumped him to date someone else) but after we got back together things went relatively smoothly. He was the first long term relationship I had. After we had been dating for three months, I lost my virginity to him. I had grown up in a very strict Christian home and knew that sex outside of marriage was a sin (this is still part of my personal beliefs). Completely freaked out, I wanted security from him. We discussed our relationship and unoffically got engaged that weekend. I wanted to get married right away but both my parents and younger brother had eloped so I knew my family would be devistated if we didn't have a traditional big wedding.  So we continued to have a very active sex life, even though we both thought it was wrong.

We both secretly enjoyed the excitement of doing something wrong and frequently ended up in situations where we were in danger of getting caught. Not long after agreeing to get married, he confessed that he had a problem with *********** but that it was under control. I grew up with a father who struggled with the same issue and told him that as long as he kept it under control (read - only had occasional problems) it was not going to cause us issues.

Three months before our wedding, he went on a trip to Florida. He came back with extreme breathing problems. Our sex life went from extremely active to almost nonexistant because of his inablity to breathe, which I understood being asthmatic myself. Then he told me that he was having some major guilt issues as well due to our premarital sex, which I understood and so we backed off. I had an extremely hard time not having sex but thought that it would just be until the wedding.

Our wedding came and went. We had already mutually decided not to have sex on our wedding night because we were going to be completely exhausted so when it didn't happen, I was fine with it. We left for Disneyland the next day and I was thrilled because it meant the reinstatement of our sex life. However we didn't sleep together until the third night of our honeymoon and he couldn't ******. I found out the next night that he had been looking at **** almost every night and had been ************ almost every night. I was furious but attributed it to the fact that we had stopped having sex for three months.

Things continued to escalate during our first year of marriage. In the first year we were married, we only had sex a half dozen times and he was only able to acheive an ****** once. I was so frustrated that I began to take of things for myself, which caused me immense amounts of guilt but I was unable to handle the lack of sex. I became moody and difficult to deal with because of the guilt and sexual deprivation.

The next year continued in much the same fashion. I was becoming extremely upset and I almost left him. The only times we were having sex was when I would break down into a hysterical crying fit because I just couldn't handle it anymore. He felt bad and would finally sleep with me, very rarely orgasming himself, which was leading to more frustration. I began to think that I had a problem and started to do research on techniques to help him. He continued to have major issues with *********** and self-pleasure. I finally broke down and told my best friend what I was going through. My best friend was appalled and told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to give him an ultimatium and leave if he refused to deal with his problem. I listened to my best friend's advice and told him that I couldn't handle it anymore - he needed to get help and that I was considering leaving for a while if he didn't. He freaked out and promised to work on things, which he began to do. His issues went from a daily problem to every three days or so. For a while, I was thrilled with the progress he was making but he still only rarely touched me, and when he did it was just to engage in mutual ************, claiming he didn't want to have intercourse because he was afraid of getting me pregnant due to my weight issues which I began to work on.

He finally talked to our pastor six months later, after I told him that once every three days was not going to cut it. Our pastor gave him materials to read and told him in no uncertain terms to start having sex with me. He started reading and for a while we were having sex once a week or so, which was still not enough for me but was a huge improvement. For a while he would go a week or two before he would lose control and have issues again. He was starting to respond to my touch more often, and I was excited that things were getting better. However even though he continued to have fewer issues our sex life began to slow again. Two months later and he is back to an almost daily ****/self-pleasure addiction and I am left completely unfufilled, having only had sex once in the last two months.

I love my husband. He tells me he loves me and shows it in many ways but continues to hurt me in this area deeply. I am not sure what to do anymore. I don't believe that divorce is right and I don't want to leave him but I don't know what to do anymore. My parents will not allow me to come back home, even for a brief period of time. The only option I have to get away from him is to go live with my male best friend. I trust him implicitly but my husband does not and my living there would create tons of issues. I want to help him. I need to have a sex life. I can't continue to live like this!

deleted deleted
26-30
3 Responses Jul 19, 2010

Pr0n addiction is a major theme in ILIASM, seems that most of the refuser males here are either self-pleasure addicts, having affairs or physically ill. I feel that this addiction is passed from generation to generation, my grandpa had stacks of playboys in his lounge during the sixties and seventies and thought nothing about leaving them around, my dad has swimsuit issue calendars everywhere and a hefty collection of ****. I followed in their footsteps, so to speak, when i was an adolescent grabbing the odd nudie mag and then had a small collection when I was older. These days I do not own a single magazine and my trips to adult sites are infrequent. Sadly, being in a SM i have once again heavily relied on pr0n (movies especially) though if I had a willing partner these forays would be lessened.<br />
<br />
Most men look at adult material, them's the facts. Your hubbie definitely has a problem with it and like any addiction should take adequate steps to quit. Consider therapy outside the church as the church will only say make him feel like a bad person when his addiction seems to be completely out of control. Clinically, therapists will treat him more like a human being than a monster.<br />
<br />
Be well and keep us posted!

ADDICTS LIE. Anyone who has lived with one knows this to be true. Alcoholics lie, Druggies lie, and I would suppose that people who have a **** addiction lie..(my H did, or deny which he did too) Ella...you are going to need help with this one. Like I said..you seem to be doing everything right. Talk to your pastor yet again. BE CLEAR in what you will accept. and acknowledge you may have to walk. START planning on walking now. Just to be on the safe side. Good luck and we are here.

I'm sorry that you've found yourself here in this place. It sucks. You seem to be doing everything right and still its wrong. I know. You may need to follow through with your ultimatum. They only work if you can back it up. good luck and again....sorry you have to be here.