I Messed Up

I'll give you a little background. I've been married for 20 years. About six years into marriage wife became cold to me sexually and emotionally. I don't know what happened, other than she said I was working too much. I had a young family to support and I was working hard to build a future for us.

Over the years I dealt with sexlessness by drinking, smoking, and working myself to death. I decided I didn't want to live that way and began approaching my wife for sex again a few years ago. She still refused. She was very cold in her refusals and said sex did not matter anymore.

Well, having kids, I was kind of stuck. But I worked continually on the marriage. The harder I tried, the worse it made things. I was heartbroken and depressed.

Then, one of my wife's friends began approaching me. We had what was primarily an emotional affair. We got busted and now my wife has gone from not loving me any longer to hating me. I feel so trapped and alone. I feel that she will hold this over me forever.

The EA made me feel alive and wanted again. Now, I am just depressed and lonely. Is there any hope?
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20 Responses Jul 19, 2010

Hi, so sorry to hear this, life is a tough lesson, I am in the same boat, but its other way round, my common law hubby wont have sex with me because I am fat. I weigh 170lbs. I it and I think its making me very depress, I work and work and come home and cook and clean, we have everything but sex is missing in our relationship. What to do. I am scared to find another person to have an affair with so I just keep queit. I look at men at work and think what it would feel like to be sexually involded but I chicken out .....hang in there I guess ..... take care

You need to sit down with your wife and tell her this will not do. You are lonely and you need her to be there for you. Stand up be a man! Say to her that things need to change and if not, you are leaving! If you do you need to be prepared to pull the trigger on your promise.

You ask if there is any hope. There are two and only two possible outcomes. Either the two of you work out your difficulties at some pace to a satisfactory conclusion or divorce one another and go on and find someone new - even at this stage of the game. A marriage with out marital relations is no marriage. We went through an awful long term of minimal and diminished levels of intimacy. I made a decision that I was not going to accept this and step by step she agreed and we worked things out - very, very well. Now it was not easy and she was willing to work with me, I never cheated on her but I did look at **** and *********** and in it's own way this is almost as bad and is a form of cheating on a spouse - no longer - I do not have to - we give each other everything we could want or handle.

I've been marrried 32 years most without intimacy... and the few times that she concented she was rarely there... felt more like i was raping her... I love her and my heart is dying... I feel so lonely... its been 7 years since we touchecd since she let m embrace her with any semblance of pashion I have 2 severly handicaped children I can not find the strength to ever leave them I don't know what to do... I wish I had your strenght

do things of your pleasure ;))))) it is just in your mind


Hope for what?<br />
Your marriage? - NO. She sees you as a meal ticket and is the martyr now. Society will support her however much you were justified in the EA. (FYI... I don't consider EA, cheating)<br />
Your EA? As long as you are in this marriage, then no. Your wife will be watching closely.<br />
Yourself? YES. This is hardly the end. You have decided to move on after the kids are older.<br />
That's a plan. Focus on it.

Too much talky talky on these boards. Take action. Go bang someone tonight. See the lawyer tomorrow. Start hiding assets after lunch. Good luck.

mwforce here again.<br />
What are you doing blaming yourself she sounds very selfish. Don't even talk like that its your wife thats to blame for you having an emotional affair you can't live a lonely life.<br />
You have to leave her asap for your own sanity.<br />
If she has been like that for 12 years she won't change back to how she once was. She may change for a while to win you back if that whats she wants but it will go back to being bad again.<br />
Plain and simply JUST LEAVE HER!!!!!!! and don't feel guilty about it either.<br />
Good luck!

I agree, an emotional affair is not a deal breaker...your wife wants to play the victim and paint u as the bad guy! For what? She obviously gets pleasure from kicking you down...she's been doing it for years. You certainly cannot be considered weak for succumbing to temptation...even if it was a sexual affair. A person has needs, if they are not being met, it's only natural to look elsewhere. If your wife really cared, she would have seen this as a wake u call. But she doesn't care, she hasn't for years. I hope you can find the strenght to move on.

As i said before you and me living same lives mate. You mentioned your wife spending to much well my wife probably owes about £17000 in credit card bills. Thats what i know of anyway. <br />
Anyway this is about your problems.<br />
Best advice i can give you is don't hang around any longer. Get good legal advice, sort out your money even if you do have to declare your bankrupt. Plan on a future being single for now and obviously look at your kids situation i.e custody. Your still young enough to meet someone really nice and who loves you. Most people say second time round is usually better. <br />
Your wife won't change she my for a while but it will go back to being a bad marriage.<br />
Funny i think how in most marriages there seems to be a selfish partner, why is that?

You're a good man. I would start banging hookers on the side and would've nailed the wive's friend surely. Listen, you're kidding yourself if you think you are doing your kids a favor by showing them an example of living with hatred disguised as a marriage. Get out.

Sorry dude, but seriously take care of yourself. You need to realize the more you do the less she's going to want from you, especially sexually. That's the way marriage works -- it's like a see-saw. The more you do the less she will want you. So do nothing. Do yourself a favor and don't waste your time. Sorry ladies, but a sexless marriage is not a marriage. <br />
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Go get that $99 no fault divorce or even better get an anullment -- lack of intimacy IS grounds for an annulment -- and leave her in the dust for someone else. Seriously, I'm in the same situtation....my wifey more and more wanted me less and less sexually, then I found out she's got a boyfriend...who's married. Well, long story short, I'm getting separated and she's buying a house of her own -- good luck paying for it because her hubby's not going to, lol ! <br />
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Short story long, I'm happy as hell !!! I can't believe I actually waited on her to have sex with me for sooooo long, once a month...jesus...God I am so much happier now !!! Single life rules and single women are even friendler !!! No more lame excuses, no more sticker shock from the shoes, dresses, lingerie, jewelry, goofy **** she buys, no more haggling with some married women's baggage, no more waking up at 4:30am when she's being an ******* and can't be bothered to be quiet while I'm trying to sleep as she gets ready for work, no more reason to make up ways to get her into the bedroom...terminate that sexless marriage and start over !!!<br />
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Do yourself a favor. Get the divorce. Go find that special someone, be very picky about who you want in a lady and what you want out of your life and then go enjoy the hell out of your sex life -- Bottom line, go forth and be merry ! Just remember, you can change, but she's going to be like this for her next marriage...again. Poor sucker will probably some day have a heart attack...<br />
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Statistics and studies show that 1 out of every 10 women are seeking someone just like you and about half of them haven't had sex in over year. Believe it or not, I was told this by a guy whom used to work for Scwann's. Apparently, the statistics are very true...Multiply that figure by the millions of women in your state that are just dying to get laid and you've got yourself a hell of a chance to find that wonderful, sensible, beautiful woman of your dreams who will stick to you no matter what you do or where your life goes...<br />
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Best of luck, get her done !

Hi there,<br />
<br />
Your life sounds like a duplicate of mine. Im 42 been with my wife since 18 and we have only had intercourse to make babies then it stopped. When i confronted her she said she didn't enjoy it and wasn't willing to try either. She has also never given me oral sex either but she is happy to accept it. Anyway im in the same boat fed up with no intercourse ever 12 years ago the last time and not only that she is a bad mum never at home. Ive sort of discovered she is a lesbian although no proof of this apart from finding lesbian **** and hangs about with lesbians. Anyway i am in the middle of an emotional affair with my best friends wife (not good) but im thinking why not. I don't feel guilty to my wife at all and you shouldn't either. I do feel guilty to my friend though.<br />
What im trying to say is don't feel guilty, LEAVE YOUR WIFE and find someone who loves you before its too late thats what im going to do. Your wife sounds selfish like mine time to leave. Just work out properly your finances and seek legal advice over money and your children.<br />
Good luck!<br />
Oh could you rekindle your romance with her friend? They probably aren't friends anymore anyway

I was watering the flowers the other day, and the heat was been bad enough that I thought some were dead. Sometimes they are dead, sometimes they will return. And of course relationships are similar. Without attention, empathy, communication, caring, etc., they will also begin to wither and eventually you cannot recover them. <br />
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I am sitting here in a different house with my wife and kids several miles away. I did leave - and I would NOT change a thing. Some days are like today in that I have trouble sleeping - these days are fewer and farther between. Most days are good or even great. Each day I feel happier and excited about the world. When I am with my children, I am a happy dad - and each time I am with them I know that they are seeing the real me. We are working thru the divorce, we are creating the co-parenting plan and I am confident we are going to work all those things out. It won't be exactly what I want and it will not be exactly what she wants either, but it will be infinitely better than where we were. <br />
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Anyway - how did I get here. Well - I went thru a process of building the strength to leave and it took almost a year. Part of that process is understanding yourself, what you need, what you want. And it is ok to have your own needs - work on articulating what those are. Once you can define those and feel good saying them out loud - you may want to give your wife a 'last chance.' That may sound funny since you may feel that you are the one that cheated - but its actually true. I also was the one who strayed, and I was the one who filed for divorce. I would not change this - and in many ways, it feels like this is the first time I stood up for myself in my marrage. <br />
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I would suggest that while you are building the strength to leave, you should definitely have a legal consultation. You just need to understand what your options are, what it is going to be like, what to expect, etc. This will ease your fears. The main reason I did not have the courage to leave is feared - I will not see the kids, she will turn the kids against me, the kids will lose financially, etc. etc. If fear is keeping you in a marriage, I would doubt that will be good for you or your children long term. <br />
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Also - you need to forgive yourself for what happened. Regardless of whether you wife will or won't - you need to forgive yourself. This may actually be your first step - and you may need some counseling to get here. I actually think my soon to be ex (STBX) was glad she had the affair to hang over my head. The reality is that it happened - and you need to get to forgiveness and so does she. If either of you do not choose to do this - you do not have a chance of a real relationship. I read somewhere that in a relationship where one person is judge over the other person - there is no chance for intimacy (intimacy of any type.) She can punish you forever - but that will do nothing for either of you. <br />
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I won't blame my wife anymore - I am sure there is plenty of blame to go around. And while we want to blame someone or something for a relationship that is "dead" - it doesn't bring it back to life. If you and your wife can have a real conversation, real communication where there is empathy and caring on both sides, then you can move toward a new relationship. If you cannot - then you need to start the process of moving on. You do not have to make any snap decisions, start with forgiving yourself - then take another small step and then another. And after several steps, then you can decide what and where you want to go with the relationship.

" But I worked continually on the marriage. The harder I tried, the worse it made things. " <br />
Funny how that happens. <br />
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Actually, if you consider the possibility that your wife actually wants you to leave her, then all of her behavior sort of makes sense in a dark way. Working on the marriage would be counter-productive to her. <br />
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I think it is time that we seriously start to look at refusal as a method for a warped mind to destroy a marriage.

It's a **** isn't it.<br />
You are getting no intimacy / empathy / sex in your marriage.<br />
You start getting some intimacy and empathy outside of the marriage - which probably aids the marriage in as much as you feel a lot better and it spills over into the marriage.<br />
You spouse goes apeshit over you accepting some emotional comfort - when she was not prepared / not capable of providing it.<br />
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Well Smilingthroughitall, the genie is out of the bottle. You have had a taste that things need not be as they are.<br />
The journey starts for you. Good luck. Read extensively in here. As you pass thru different stages of this process, there will be others at the same place. All available to tap into.

Nothing to add but, try loving yourself more if this is possible. What do you do in life that you are really good at? You can lose yourself in these activities for a little while and this may be what you need in order to feel better about yourself. Just be careful not to distract yourself too long as it will become an avoidance problem... speak from personal experience.

What you did, well I don't think it was wrong... I don't know if it helps but love.

Seems like you have a choice at this point and so does your wife. YOU can leave and go find someone who loves you and wants to be loved by you. YOU can stay and hope she forgives you. YOUR WIFE can choose to continue hating you and that can happen whether you stay or leave OR your wife can forgive you and love you again. That may only happen after you tell her and actually do --leave. At least thats how I view it. If you stay...you are gonna eat a lot of sh*t. Don't you deserve better? I understand working for the kids....but maybe its time to work for yourself? <br />
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as a aside..this comes from someone who is choosing to stay and eating a lot of sh*t.