Talk Of Separation And Space To Work Things Out During His Treatment...

Well, I blew it.

After working so hard to try and be strong, I was right back at it with my demands on him about four hours after he walked in the door after a week long trip. I asked why he hadn't followed up with treatment...why he wasn't vested in working this out...why I am such a low priority. And, I know all the answers. He is out of his mind with anxiety, ocd, and going through confronting issues he has been running from for years. I know damn well that demanding in this way does nothing. Granted, it was a brief episode. About 10 minutes, and then I just left him alone and went off to cry.

Later, we talked about him moving out while he works through this ****. I know he doesn't have anything to give right now. His actions show it. And, leaving is a practical idea, but if he does it, I don't know how I will be able to tolerate the whole situation. Yeah, I know it is 'healthy' to let him go, meet for therapy, go on dates and see if we can reconnect without the burden of the constant dynamic that has plagued us for so many years. I am already at my wit's end, though. He has been so distant and so emotionally and physically unavailable for so long, it feels like abandonment, even if that isn't really what's happening. He is willing to stay at a campground and be available to work on the practical and emotional side of things.

But, I don't know how much more I can give him. If he needs the space and time to address his ****, he needs it. And, I need to let him have it, and I need to address my ****. But, I am also reeling from his recent betrayal with the whole on-line video sex thing, and the rejection of me on so many levels. I don't know if I have it in me to keep trying to repair and rebuild a relationship with this man. And, I think there is the very real danger that if he does move out, I will close him out completely as to avoid any more hurt. I don't know if we can work on this in the context of living together, but I don't know if I can keep letting him go and try to stay in the limbo in the relationship in the process.

Moving out feels as if it would be the end, so I am emotionally reacting to it in this way. I don't know if I can stay open through a process where my needs and desires are so secondary.

I know that if I love this man and want to have any chance of working through this, it is what I should do.

If he doesn't do the work, we will be done. If he does, it may heal. I am so hurt I don't know how much more I can take.

rosedl rosedl
41-45, F
9 Responses Jul 19, 2010

First of all, it may not be your fault that you've had some bad relationships; it could be just plain bad luck. Then again, it might be because you're attracted to a certain type of man, but even then it takes two people to make a relationship work so don't blame yourself. <br />
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Secondly, please consider any and all options: Are there any family members or friends that could let you live with them for free for awhile which will give you time to build your own savings? Is there any chance that you could get a job or a second job if you already work? Telemarketing firms are always hiring and they operate 24/7 so maybe you could fit it into your schedule to work early in the morning or late at night and make some extra money. And, this is so much easier said than done, but what if you did go bankrupt? What if you actually had to file for government assistance? At least think about any friends or family who could put you up for awhile...even if it's just temporary...you need some space to think.

I know iselflove. <br />
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I am learning to let go. <br />
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Doing this is beyond just the relationship, I could lose my house, I will likely face bankruptcy, so this is a full falling apart type ordeal. It is hard enough to lose your relationship, but this is starting from scratch.<br />
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Still, I can't stay just to avoid financial problems. <br />
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It is a huge step. It is letting it all fall away to rebuild anew and the fact that I am peering over the cliff shows just how far this has gone. <br />
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10 years.<br />
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As for other relationships, it may be as you say, but it will take a long while for me to even THINK about entertaining another one. I don't trust men, this is not my first bad relationship and obviously I need to thoroughly examine how I keep getting myself into these bad situations before I could even start to begin again. Lots of hurt. <br />
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Right now, I am not very fond of men although I still am attracted to them sexually. Not a place to start anew.

Great point Iselflove! Many months ago someone here said relationships should not resemble the Bataan Death March! Baz and I love this ex<x>pression and we've used it ourselves quite often!!

I'm sorry that you hate your life right now and I understand that you're at a crossroad in your life. The fact that he AND you have actually taken steps to improve the situation is great...at least it's something other than denying that there's a serious problem. But try to keep in mind that some situations will not get better no matter how hard you try and sometimes it's better to move on. In my marriage, I tried and tried and tried but it wasn't going to get better because only one of us was trying. I left him and I'm now in a beautiful, loving, healthy relationship and you know what? It's not hard, it's EASY. Sure, a relationship takes work and cultivation, but it shouldn't mean that the work has to be emotionally draining and frustrating and dibilitating with no payoff and no signs of improvement. Good luck to both of you and I hope things work out one way or another.

I know. I am holding onto some illusion. And, my resentment about how much he can't give basically drives away and hurts the attempts he is making in the relationship. <br />
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I wish I could be all loving and zen about this whole thing. Right now, I am angry, hurt, and I am swinging with my feelings towards him between love and hate. So, I push and pull. Push and pull. He is actually setting healthier boundaries then I am. (No great victory for him as space, as I have said in other posts is easy for him to take. Part of it is running away. Part of it is needing to process his ****). <br />
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I guess I just need to let go and see what happens. <br />
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It feels like falling off a cliff. <br />
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We have therapy tomorrow and I foresee the session being used to negotiate a separation.<br />
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I hate my life right now.

A bit of distance can't hurt.<br />
The "pressured" spouse, and the "betrayed" spouse under the same roof are unlikely to produce an atmosphere conducive to healing / resolving / negotiating anything. In my humble opinion.<br />
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A bit of time without the "betrayed" spouse may do the "pressured" one some good, or maybe not - who's to know ?? But it is hard to see some horrendous downside to it. <br />
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"Betrayed" spouse might benefit from a break too. If only to clarify, refine and collect their thoughts.<br />
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Some time for each to think about "THE problem", unencumbered by the continued presence of the other might just help this move forward. It may well not start moving toward a rosey future, but it might start moving forward from where you are presently (which is doing neither any good) - and that's got to be a good thing.

I get the "yes, i really need to make this a priority" from my wife but to me it feels more like just another part of the refuser pathos telling me what I want to hear so I stop bothering her. I suggest you mourn your relationship, let him go and if you feel like it try and continue... but if you don't good riddance! <br />
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The quote from Stephen King's Shawshank Redemption goes through my head for some reason when I think about staying for so many years in my SM "Get busy living or get busy dieieng". Every day leads us closer to oblivion, how can we get to that final threshold and not regret? Live a life full of joy and contentment or at the very least a life that strives for this!<br />
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Be strong, you can do this!

It seems to me that the last miles to recovery are the hardest and slowest. My OCD wife always swore that she was getting better and that proper sexual relations would be "soon"....."soon" never comes, and eventually I concluded that if it was always going to be that difficult to contemplate doing something so natural then I just didn't need it from her. I walked away after 10 years of "soon". It was plain that she just didn't want "soon" to ever become "now". Life's too short. Sex shouldn't mess people up, it is the only damn thing you can do for free !

You don't have to take it. What is wrong with shutting him out? It may take losing you for him to heal... anyway whatever you do,<br />
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LOVES<br />
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BB