Text Message Exchange

OK, ,,Siince everyone in ILIASM shares the common element of dealing with the "avoiding the issue" spouse, her is an example of a text message exchange that illustrates that.

ME: " BTW, when are you going to up front and honest with me on why you are so distant,,,, and non-affectionate towards me,,,and discuss the sexlessness in our relationship?"

HER: "Can I make a request? Can you not text content like that to me? The kids play on my phone and may see it. That is not a question that can be answered in a text, and besides, we have been in therapy for years and are no closer to an answer...thnx"

All thoughts welcomed.

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15 Responses Jul 20, 2010

Discuss it during therapy session. She might feel obligated to answer exactly truthfully and a suggestion could be made by the councelor (and obviously no kids present either). Sex is important (maybe not the most important thing in the world) but passion and desire is important even when you get to be older. Passion and desire is a form of showing love and caring. I did read somewhere not that long ago that sometimes people grow apart or the love goes to the kids. Sometimes its just merely when a woman gets closer or is in menopause that they get a little dry and it hurts (lube will work wonders). Maybe she doesn't feel sexy or feels moody from a change in hormone levels. Maybe she feels embarassed in some way too. My mom started going through these changes in her mid to late 40's (everyone's different though). Best wishes always.

Actually, my husband and I have texted "sex" arguments before, and while it may not be the best method of handling things, if both of you are honestly communicating, texting is better than not talking at all. It doesn't sound like she is doing her share of communicating; it sounds like she is just waiting for you to give up and quit asking for what you need.

Um I'm sorry but what a *****. That is messed up. Tell her to lock her phone. I would be thrilled if my husband wanted to make some effort, instead of live in denial. God! How did we all get hooked up with these spouses? If we were all single, I would say let's make a dating group. At least then we would all be guaranteed to get some once in a while.

Um I'm sorry but what a *****. That is messed up. Tell her to lock her phone. I would be thrilled if my husband wanted to make some effort, instead of live in denial. God! How did we all get hooked up with these spouses? If we were all single, I would say let's make a dating group. At least then we would all be guaranteed to get some once in a while.

I think you need to take the direct approach and confront the situation while you both are alone. In the bedroom after the kids are sleep or take her off guard and do it over lunch. Either way it sounds like you need put her in a situation with no distractions and ask the questions directly. Take a drive around the block without the kids and get to the bottom of this. If she still avoids the topics then you know its time proceed with a different course of action.

Come on people! We are all in sexless marriages, yet, some of us feel like him texting his wife about sex was inappropriate and the kids may find out? That's probably why we're here in the first place. Many (not all) refusers are from households where real issues were not discussed. Sex is taboo and embarrassing. I say BULL! <br />
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Hey, before you crucify me, I'm in my 20s (was a teenager only a few years ago) and I know that there is so much worse things you could be texting that is inappropriate (like ****?) for kids to see. <br />
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Parents need to learn how to teach kids about real life issues, so they don't end up like my H who is completely clueless! Yes he's perfect because he was sheltered but he does not know how to take hardship like a MAN! Does not know how to handle his wife like a REAL husband should. He wants to be the head of the household only when it's convenient...<br />
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If kids should not know about you (not) having sex, then what do you think they'll think of marriage? Should you not be having sex in a marriage? Is marriage just about mommy and daddy living together?

Dear Backagain, I think she may have given you the answer you were looking for. While it is inappropriate to text something of this nature, it was clearly a desperate attempt to bring up the subject since all other previous methods hadn't worked. You deserve better than this. I am truly sorry to say this, but it sounds like she doesn't respect you and doesn't want to improve the situation. You've tried therapy, you've tried to discuss this face-to-face, I bet you've tried everything, but it seems to be only YOU that is making an effort and it takes TWO. How dare she treat you this way? I think SHE is the one with the problem and that you clearly deserve better. Good luck and a hug to you. You are not alone and you are not the problem. If anything, you are the solution but she won't make an effort.

Oh, and I would have soooooo traded filthy texts with my spouse. If the kids see 'em, oh well. They'll know better than to be fooling around with mom's phone again! They'll be way more embarrassed than I would be! (Note: I said "spouse" not boyfriend/girlfriend)<br />
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Princess Onemansbadgirl

AnarC -- you made me laugh out loud at my desk! :) <br />
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I wasn't going to comment but AnarC dragged me into it... BackAgain, dude, you need to see this for what it is: total complete avoidance. If the two of you were stranded on a desert island, she would have a reason not to discuss it. Other here have said it: she doesn't want to talk about it. The why really doesn't matter. <br />
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Princess Reallytriestokeepittogetheratwork

In that case, get 69 pink flamingoes and a huge road side sign for the front lawn.

The texting content is nothing. Zip. Zilch.<br />
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Try looking at a few 16-17 year olds text conversations one time. You can discuss adult things however you need to. Especially if they are avoiding it in every other way. It only makes sense that you would try it this way too. It's not like he texted her asking for a BJ or something. THEN it would be offensive if the kids got ahold of the phone. Plus as an initial conversation starter - even if a kid saw it first - there isn't anything REALLY offensive there. Nothing. Maybe *****-footing around the issue for some people is why they are still in this position - maybe me included.<br />
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If I was a betting man? I'd say SHE didn't want the kids to know they were sexless vs. the content of actually talking about anything involving sex. Meaning, if my 12 year-old saw this from me going to my wife, she'd blow her gasket at her mom and give her hell. She tried to be protective of me (for whatever reason, I don't know). Really… maybe I should try this… Good idea BackAgain! She's caught hell before from our daughter the day she declared 'I never see you EVER hug dad any more'. You could imagine how talking no-sex might end up!

Your wife might be afraid of how you may respond to the truth. Therefore, she withholds that truth. It is dishonest but it might make sense. <br />
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That is why my wife left me dangling -- leastways, that is what she said. She said that she was afraid that I would seek a divorce and throw her out of the house right away.

Hi Backagain...I agree with her that texting is not the best place to be discussing that particular issue. However, Iwould have to imagine that you've probably tried more traditional routes to no avail. If you've gotten to the point where you're resorting to texting about it, it might be time to throw in the towel...either on the marriage if that's possible, or the subject itself...it's doubtful that it will be resolved from her end. Good luck.

Sorry man, but I think your wife is right in this case. Not about avoiding your question but in regards to appropriate topics in appropriate forums. Why are you texting sex problems? Does it not seem completely impersonal? I mean, hey, whatever works... but wouldn't a good old fashioned face to face conversation be more upfront?

Classic avoidance ! My STBX always said "XX (our child) might hear !" If I asked her a question she didn't want to answer..she used to make sure our child was in earshot of course ! She is indeed waiting for you to stop wanting sex, just like mine. It worked. I stopped wanting sex with her when I found someone who wanted sex with me ! Bingo.